tips

How to avoid frustration with hubby

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Even if you have a great marriage, we will all experience moments of frustration with our husbands from time to time.  Well, one key to resolving those frustrations (and avoiding them in the future) is to understand the cause.  In my experience, the cause is typically “unmet expectations”.   We consciously or even subconsciously expect our husbands to act in a certain way, and when they don’t, we get really frustrated!

So, here’s a nugget of wisdom that may be the remedy.  Clearly communicate your expectations and desires to your husband!  Duh!  I know this sounds too simple, but honestly, we are often at fault for holding expectations but failing to clearly reveal those expectations to our men.    We act like husbands are mind-readers and should “just know”.  News flash:  Most men don’t “just know”.  They don’t think like women, and they don’t know what you expect and desire from them.  In fact, when we fail to communicate what we want, we’re not really being honest with them. 

Maybe it’s time to bless your husband by being honest about your expectations and desires.  Proverbs 24:26 says “An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips“!!  Start to clearly communicate your expectations to your man.  Now, your husband may disagree with your expectations, and that’s okay.  That’s an opportunity for the two of you to sit down and discuss your respective opinions and work toward a compromise.  But at least you’ll be on the same page and understand each other’s expectations!

How to speak into your man’s life

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

You likely know your husband better than anyone.  As his wife, you’re also called to be your husband’s helper.  This is made clear in Genesis 2:18 when God said “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him”.  Then God created woman!  Well, one of the many ways you can truly “help” your husband is to gently, humbly and lovingly voice your concerns when your husband is clearly heading off course in some area of his life.

Is your husband drinking more and more alcohol?  Is your husband spending increasing overtime hours at work to the detriment of his health or family time?  Is your man overly busy and unable to squeeze in any time for exercise?  Is your guy coming up with reasons why he can’t make it to church lately?

If you see your husband’s life getting out of balance, you can do two things.  First, pray that the Holy Spirit would convict your husband about his decisions or behavior and that the Holy Spirit would make your man aware of the correction he needs to make.  Secondly, ask God if He wants you to gently bring up the concern for discussion with your husband.  

Tips: 

  • Take a lower physical position than him (such as kneeling beside him while he sits on the couch).  This position comes across as very humble and gentle and he will likely become less defensive.
  • Tell him some things you really appreciate and admire about him, and say “I am for you”.
  • Tell him something like “I’m in this with you. I’m your partner. How can I help you?”
  • You might also say “I’m struggling with some stuff too (tell him about your own struggle) so maybe we can help each other”.  When you display humility, he will likely be much less defensive about the concerns you’re raising.

Invite 3rd party into your marriage

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

One of my super humbling moments as a newly divorced woman actually reminds me of a vital marriage principle.  Here’s the event forever etched in my memory from December of 2002:

It was nearing Christmas and I had just gone through a divorce after 18 years of marriage.  My children were 16 and 14 at the time and I wanted to keep as many Christmas traditions in place as possible, so I announced that I was taking the kids to cut down our Christmas tree from a local tree farm.  Just before we took off, I realized I didn’t have any way to tie the tree to the top of my SUV.  But hey, I’m a reasonably intelligent person, or so I thought. lol  I wasn’t going to let anything deter me!

So I searched my new house for something resembling rope or a bungee cord.  Alas, there was no such thing on hand.  All I had was some….sewing thread. Hmmm. Well, maybe a whole bunch of thread would work?

Off we went to pick out our beautiful Christmas tree.  My son cut it down.  Unlike me, he apparently knew how to handle this part of the operation.  We hoisted the tree to the top of my SUV and then I carefully wove my spool of thread back and forth across the tree to secure it to the roof.  My kids just shook their heads in disbelief.  Then we took off, and we actually made it about a half-mile before the tree took a slow, inelegant slide from the top of the car to the road. Splat!

Why am I sharing this story with you?  I’m using it to remind both you and me that a tiny thread is not sufficient to hold anything heavy when the wind starts blowing against it.  In the same way, we need a super strong rope to hold a marriage together when we are slammed by the wind of miscommunication, frustration, and unmet expectations in marriage. We need a rope of three strands…you, your husband and the Lord.  Ecclesiastes 4:12 says “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.  A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

Sit down with your husband and brainstorm ideas on how you can keep God in the center of your marriage. You will need Him to help hold you guys together when you encounter the inevitable adversity and challenges that hit every marriage! Invite a third party into your marriage…the Holy Spirit!

How to draw husband’s heart

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

As a wife, you want your husband to cherish you and be drawn to you.  The question is: once you get married and the intoxication of new love wears off, how do you keep your man drawn to you?  Of course, you want to do what you can to stay attractive, and you likely know a robust sex life with him is super important, but here are 2 other simple things that will tend to draw your husband to you.

1)  Listen intently to him when he talks, especially when he talks about his hopes, his dreams, his plans, and the things he loves to do.  If you engage him in conversation about his dreams and passions in life, he will feel understood, accepted, and valued for who he is at his core. Valuing his hopes and dreams is a sign of respect, and Ephesians 5:33 says, “The wife must respect her husband.” This doesn’t mean that you necessarily agree with some of his more far-fetched dreams, but you can certainly explore with him why that specific dream or passion is exciting to him.  Perhaps you can even brainstorm ways to satisfy those longings in practical ways.

2)  Make plans for fun outings together and then make time in your schedule to have fun with him!  You used to do this when you were dating, and you need to keep connecting with him through fun activities and hobbies during your marriage.  Golf together.  Try doing a workout video together.  Start a pillow fight.  Watch funny movies.  Take a hike.  Go sledding in the winter and kayaking in the summer.  Invite a fun couple to your house once a month to play table games.  Your husband will bond with you and be drawn to you when you have fun together.

Don’t look at the squirrel!!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I sensed God reminding me of something this week, and I have a feeling He might want to remind you too.  Let me start out by saying, as followers of Jesus, we have great purpose in life.  Our purpose is to bring Him glory.  We do that by loving the Lord, serving the Lord, obeying the Lord, telling others about Jesus, and loving the people He has placed in our life.  Here’s the problem.  I often start out my day with a desire and passion to bring God glory, but then….squirrel!  My attention gets drawn away to something else!  How about you? 

It’s so easy to get distracted by the “shiny objects”, the newest gadgets, the luxury items we think we need to have, etc.  And if we allow our attention to be diverted long enough, we start focusing on making more money to buy more things instead of focusing on loving God.  For you, the “squirrel” might be getting distracted by our culture’s relentless message that we need to create the perfect home interior or alter our face or body so that it resembles the women on the cover of magazines.

Ladies, we need to continually check in with the Holy Spirit throughout the day and ask Him, “Am I getting distracted away from you?”  We need to take our thoughts captive!  2 Corinthians 10:5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Let me add that this same problem of the “squirrel” or distraction can also impact our marriages.  The devil loves to get us to focus our attention on the neighbor man who seems so nice, or that male co-worker who seems so compassionate and empathetic.  Don’t look at the squirrel!  Stay focused on the good qualities of your husband and refuse to look at or fantasize about another man.  Take captive every thought instead of letting your thoughts run wild, destroying your good intentions in the process.

If husband struggles with addiction

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

You have two choices if your husband is struggling with an addiction to alcohol, porn, gambling, drugs, video games, etc.  The first choice is to wring your hands in despair, whine to your friends, tell him how disgusted you are in him, allow yourself to grow resentful, and eventually divorce him.  Hmm.  That doesn’t sound like the best choice for your family!

The second choice is much more likely to result in his eventual release from the stranglehold of the addiction.  You can choose to pray for him daily, lovingly ask him to seek help through counseling or a 12-step program, set firm boundaries on any behavior that adversely impacts you or your family, and continue to speak “words of life” to him.  What do I mean by “speaking words of life”?  I mean reminding your husband of his many good qualities; reminding him that God has great plans for him; and reminding him that you still love him and that you are willing to stand next to him in this battle.  Your words are so very important.  Proverbs 18:21 puts it this way: “Death and life are in the power of the tongue“.

Your husband will be much more likely to put in the hard work to break free from his addiction if he feels supported, encouraged and loved by his wife.  Yes, you must have firm boundaries, but he still needs to know you are for him.  He needs to hear words of hope for the future if he commits to doing the hard work to break free from the addiction.

Great thing to say during fights

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

When we are having an argument with our spouse, or struggling with disappointment, we tend to blame each other and hurl accusations at each other. This never ends well!!  However, I’ve learned that there is a super helpful, simple thing we can say that helps the other person feel less attacked, and therefore, less defensive.  This simple statement has great power to throttle back the tension and turn your spouse’s heart back toward you.

Here is the statement:  “I know you love me and you would never, ever intentionally hurt me….”  After you say those words in a soft and loving voice, you can gently explain how you’ve been hurt or your perspective on the issue at hand.  You will find that by speaking those words, your spouse will relax a bit as he feels affirmed.  Your words communicate to him that you believe he has a good heart and good motives, and that lowers his need to feel defensive. 

When you speak these kind and loving words, you are really carrying out God’s instructions on how to love well as outlined in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.  Here is that passage in the Amplified translation:  Love endures with patience and serenity, love is kind and thoughtful, and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. 5 It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured. 6 It does not rejoice at injustice, but rejoices with the truth [when right and truth prevail]. 7 Love bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], endures all things [without weakening].

The next time you are your husband are at odds and you can sense the anger and defensiveness beginning to grow, try using that sentence in gentle and loving way:   “I know you love me and you would never, ever intentionally hurt me….” 

** or view this topic as a 2 minute VIDEO BELOW

Bible guidance for step-parenting

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Pretty much anyone who has entered the arena of blended families and step-parenting knows that it is like trying to walk across a field of landmines.  Typically, the biggest problem is that the step-parent thinks the step-child should love and respect them just like they would their biological parent.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t really work that way.

Here’s the best piece of advice I ever heard on this subject.  As the step-parent, take the time (perhaps years!) to sow nothing but love into the relationship with your new stepchild.  Resist the desire to step in as disciplinarian and let the biological parent handle that.  As a couple, talk with your spouse behind closed doors about how “situations” and discipline should be handled, but then let the biological parent actually carry it out.

The idea of sowing love into a person before expecting that person to love you in return is actually demonstrated by Jesus.  The Bible says “We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19).  We need to model this as step-parents.  Your step-child needs to see you demonstrate love for a sustained period of time before believing you actually have their best interests at heart.  This may truly take years, especially if the child is over the age of about 5 when you first enter the new marriage.  Be patient.

You can help husband be better!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Ladies, your words are so very powerful and influential in your husband’s life!  Whether you realize it or not, every time you criticize your husband or correct your husband or point out flaws in your husband’s ideas, you are crushing his spirit.  Every time you crush his spirit, he ends up feeling like more and more of a failure until he eventually gives up trying.  I have lost track of how many husbands have told me and my husband in a counseling session “I can’t do anything right”.  When a husband says this, he has pretty much conceded defeat.  He no longer has the motivation to strive to be a better husband and father.  He no longer even believes that’s possible,

On the other hand, ladies, a husband who is frequently affirmed and encouraged by his wife gains the courage and the motivation to do the hard work to become an even better husband and father.  He can tell his wife believes in him, so he begins believing in himself as well.  A wife’s kind, encouraging, affirming words can actually esteem her husband to greatness!

Ladies, in Genesis 2:18, God says, “It is not good for man to be alone: I will create a helper suitable for him.”  One of the best ways you can help your man is by being his chief encourager!  Resist the urge to point out his faults and failures.  Choose to encourage him instead.  Catch the vision of esteeming your husband to greatness!  You’ll both be happier!

Beware: This is toxic in marriage

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

We’ve all been betrayed and we’ve all betrayed others.  I can almost guarantee this is true for all of us, although we only seem to remember the times when we’ve been betrayed.  We conveniently “forget” the times we’ve betrayed others, in big and small ways.

Here’s the thing.  When we allow our focus to remain on the deeply hurtful things people have done to us, it’s as if we tie a heavy chain around our ankles and toss ourselves into a deep, dark lake.  We slowly sink deeper and deeper into murky darkness.  We’re starved for life-giving oxygen.  We slowly drown in self-pity.  We become enveloped by resentment and that resentment becomes a poison to us and everyone around us!

Cut the chains of bitterness and resentment!  Come up for air.  Drop the “victim” attitude.  The Bible tells us in Hebrews 12:15 to “see to it that no bitter root grows up among you to cause trouble and defile many”.  Your choice to embrace and coddle your bitterness will surely be the death of your joy and the joy of those around you.

How can you get rid of this super destructive attitude of resentment? Here are some insights. Stop hitting the replay button on past hurts!  Choose this day to be thankful for what you do have.  Make a choice to have compassion on your offender, realizing that you’re not perfect either!  If the resentment stems from current behavior, then seek godly counsel on establishing boundaries in that relationship.  Finally, ask God to redeem your painful experience in some kind of way.  He loves to do that!  Romans 8:28 promises us that “in all things God works for the good of those who love Him who have been called according to His purpose.”