marriage

3 tips for the disappointed wife

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Tip # 1:  If you find yourself disappointed with your husband, ask yourself this question:  Is he sinning against me or am I just disappointed with him?  If he is actually sinning against you (looking at porn, being abusive, drinking excessively, etc), then consult with God and perhaps a godly mentor to determine if you should lovingly, respectfully, and firmly confront your husband and establish boundaries, using the Biblical model laid out in Matthew 18:15-17. 

However, if you’re simply disappointed with your husband because he’s not meeting your expectations, then try these two things: 

Tip # 2:  Simply and clearly let him know what you desire….because he is not a mind-reader!  It’s so funny how we expect our husbands to meet all our needs and desires because “he should just know”.  Lol  Well, guess what?  He doesn’t “just know”.  Sometimes, you need to actually tell him what you’re hoping for and what your expectations are.  Be specific. Don’t drop hints. Clearly tell him what you need or desire.

Tip # 3:  If he still doesn’t fulfill your desires and expectations, take a moment and remind yourself that he can’t be perfect, and he can’t perfectly meet all your needs!  Now, if someone were to ask us if we expect our husbands to be perfect, we would answer “of course not!”, and yet, at a subconscious level, most of us DO expect our men to be perfect. We pretty much expect them to be Jesus!  It’s time to let them off that hook.  After all, God makes it clear in Psalm 53 “there is no one who does good, not even one”. 

So, maybe it’s time you stop expecting your man to be perfect in every way. How about, instead, you decide to be thankful for the good things about him?  In fact, every time I started to get disappointed with my own husband in years past, I learned to stop and begin to list the things that he was doing right.  This is what my new internal dialogue sounded like:  “He works hard to provide for me.  He doesn’t get drunk or do drugs. He has stopped looking at porn.  He reads the Bible every day. Wow!  I’m not so disappointed anymore! I’m actually kind of thankful for him!”

No longer just roommates!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I assume every wife wants a marriage that is strong and fulfilling.  Certainly, every wife desires a marriage where she feels bonded and emotionally connected with her husband.  I would imagine literally every wife wants to feel passionate love toward her husband and sense that he has the same passionate love for her.  But here’s what I know.  If a wife does not nurture her marriage and be diligent in creating time for bonding, her marriage will likely wither on the vine.  The passion and “in love” feeling will slowly fade away and be replaced by more of a roommate mentality.  Let this not be so for your marriage!

You will only have a strong and passionate marriage if you are diligent and intentional about setting aside time to connect with your husband.  One of the most important ways to connect is in the bedroom!  A husband who senses that his wife is eager to make love to him will be drawn to his wife and even intoxicated by his wife!  Listen to what the Bible tells husbands in Proverbs 5:18-19  May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.  A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.

Ladies, let’s be diligent in carving out time to bring some romance and bonding into our marriages.  I know you are a busy woman, but we make time for the things that we think are necessary and important.  Your marriage is important! 

Wives: Try the respect experiment!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I have taught women for over 15 years about the Bible instruction for wives to display a respectful attitude toward their husbands (Ephesians 5:33), but apparently, I have had problems over the years perfecting this myself!  I still vividly remember an occasion about 10 years ago that underscored the problem.  I was in the process of texting back and forth with two different women about a need within the Squadron of Sisters wives’ ministry…when my husband came into the room and stood in front of me for at least a minute.  I didn’t look up right away because I just wanted to finish my text and be done with that task.  My husband turned around and left the room, obviously a bit irritated.  My thought was…”huh? What just happened?”

Later, I asked my husband why he was upset.  In a nutshell, it turns out that he felt as if he didn’t matter to me.  He felt that other things came before him.  He had wanted to talk with me about something important and I didn’t even look up when he stood in front of me.  He felt disrespected.  Oops. 

I spent some quiet, reflective time with God afterward, and I believe he showed me that respecting your husband means treating him with great honor.  In fact, the original Greek translation of that word “respect” in Ephesians 5:33 means “to have reverence for” or “to be in awe of”.   Wow!  Those words seem applicable to how a servant would treat a king!  Hmmm.  Maybe God wants a wife to treat her husband as if he is as important as a king or prince.  What if you tried an experiment this week?  Would you be willing to attempt to honor your husband, and pay attention to your husband, as if he were a top official or a prince (without making it too goofy or weird!!).  Are you willing to try this “respect experiment”?  I can’t wait to hear how husbands will be impacted and how marriages may be changed for the better!

Wives: Ask this question often

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I don’t know if I’m normal or not (hah!), but I find that even though I want to make my relationship with Jesus and his kingdom business my top priority, alas, my attention quickly shifts to my personal comfort and happiness!  If you’re a follower of Jesus, you have likely experienced the same struggle.

Of course, the devil is constantly trying to lure us off course.  Jesus tells us in John 8 that Satan is the “father of lies”, so we can expect that he’s subtly whispering lies into our minds about what is the most important thing on which to focus at every moment.  The Holy Spirit is saying, “Focus on things that matter in eternity”, but Satan is whispering “Focus on what will make you feel good right now. That’s what’s really important.“  Ugh.

How does this all play out in marriage?  Well, the devil would love to get us to focus on how our spouse is disappointing to us, and then the devil follows that up with whispers that we need to manipulate our spouse, or control our spouse, or even trade in our spouse for a better model!

The Holy Spirit, on the other hand, is urging us to consider the more important, eternal, components of our relationship with our spouse.  Even when your spouse disappoints you, the question God wants us to ask Him is this, “Lord, how do you want me to interact with my husband for his good in eternity?”.  That question is such a game-changer!  Suddenly, we see the bigger picture.  Yes, your husband might have hurt your feelings or sinned against you, but YOU are no longer the center of the world.  Now you begin to see that God has given you great responsibility to pivot from self-focus to acting in a way that could potentially impact your spouse’s walk with God into eternity.  That’s huge, and this shift in perspective is clearly God’s plan for us when interacting with others!  Philippians 2:3-4 “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourself.  Each of you should look not only to his own interest, but also to the interest of others.”

As you ask that question of God, and strain to listen for the prompting of the Holy Spirit, you may sense Him calling you to show extravagant and unexpected grace to your husband.  Maybe God will prompt you to speak words of identity to your husband and remind him how much God loves him.  Conversely, maybe God will prompt you to lovingly establish boundaries with your husband.  Maybe God knows this is the time for your husband to feel the weight of discipline that could end up saving his soul.

The point is:  Ask God to give you a perspective shift during stressful times in marriage.  Every time you’re in an emotionally-charged moment with your husband, train yourself to pause and ask this question, “Lord, how do you want me to interact with my husband for his good in eternity?”

Men are drawn to cheerleaders!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I thought the title of this devotional would get your attention!!  🙂   However, I’m not talking about guys lusting after scantily-clad Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders.  Instead, I’m talking about how men are naturally drawn to women who are cheerleaders in the sense of being their supporters and encouragers.  So let me ask you this question.  Does your husband sense that you are his cheerleader?

Most men struggle with feeling inadequate.  Most men wrestle with feeling like a failure.  Many men may never put effort into being a better father, husband, employee, or disciple of Jesus because they fear failure.  In other words, they’d rather not try at all if it means they could risk the embarrassment of people noticing them failing in their endeavor.  Perhaps this is why God instructed Joshua over and over again to “be strong and courageous” (Joshua 1:9). Joshua’s natural bent was to fear failure instead of stepping out with courage.

This is where a wife can make a huge difference!  By speaking words of encouragement and affirmation and respect, your husband may find the courage to move forward.  1 Thessalonians 5:11 instructs us to “encourage one another and build each other up“.   By becoming your husband’s cheerleader, your man may risk failure to step out and seek to be become a stronger, and more godly leader of your family.   Wouldn’t that be awesome?!

3 ways to fall back in love!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

It’s so easy for a married couple to become more like roommates than lovers!  Once the excitement of the wedding and honeymoon fade away, the everyday stresses like finances, children, housework, etc. can start to suck that warm and fuzzy feeling right out of your marriage!  Well, here are 3 things that will help to rekindle that loving feeling:

1)  Start to do the things you used to do when you were dating.  In the Bible’s book of Revelation, chapter 2, the church in Ephesus received this rebuke, “Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first. Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first.”   That church needed to get back to doing the things that kept them in close fellowship with Christ, and we need to do the same things in our marriage.  Did you go to the movies?  Did you go out to dinner once a week? Did you go snowboarding in the winter or hiking in the summer?  Then, carve out some time to have that kind of fun with your husband now! 

2)  Kiss your husband with passion (like you used to)!  Seriously.  Give it a try and see if some sparks start to fly.

3)  List at least 7 good things about your husband.  Philippians 4:8 says “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.”     So, think of as many positive things about your husband as you can.  Write them down.  Look at that list every day.  As you do so, your heart will become warmer toward him.

Are you intoxicating to your hubby?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

My question for you today has to do with the way you kiss your husband!!  Do you kiss him in a way that communicates to him that he is wanted and desired?  If so, you are a wise woman who is breathing life into her marriage.  On the other hand, do you kiss your husband reluctantly or in a passionless way?  If so, you could be contributing to the slow death of your marriage.

Your husband needs to feel desired by you.  He wants to be your sexual hero.  Your response to his kisses tells your man a lot.  When you press into the kiss with passion, he feels wanted and becomes a more confident man.  The bride in the Song of Songs understood this.  She made sure her groom knew how much she loved his kisses.  In Song of Songs 1:2 she says “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth for your love is more delightful than wine.”

So, this week I challenge you to kiss your husband deeply, as in more than one second!!  Press into the kiss with passion.  Not only will this be a blessing to him, but I bet you will reap some benefits as well.  As he revels in your love, he will likely be more attentive toward you. 🙂   In fact, you might want to intoxicate him with your love, as the Bible mentions in Proverbs 5:18-19.  A husband who is intoxicated with his wife does not stray!

Wives: Take this simple challenge!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

When’s the last time you said it?  You probably think I’m asking about the last time you told your husband “I love you”, but that’s not where I’m leading.  My question is this:  When is the last time you admitted to your husband that you were wrong?  We like to pretend as if we’re never “wrong”, but that’s not only prideful, it’s not true!

Think about it.  Have you been disrespectful toward your husband by rolling your eyes or by using cutting sarcasm?  Have you given him the look that basically says “you’re a jerk” or “you disgust me”?  Have you been stressed or frustrated about something unrelated to him and lashed out at your husband because he happened to be present?  (I’ve done that more than a few times! Ugh.)

If you want to be even more beautiful to your husband, be humble and admit when you are out of line or just plain wrong.  You might believe that confessing your wrongs will put you in a weak position in your marriage, but the opposite is true.  Proverbs 28:13 says “Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.”  Oh, and by the way, instead of simply saying “I’m sorry”, go a step further in humility by saying “I was wrong. Please forgive me.”

Do this for better relationships!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I still remember the time about 10 years ago when a woman who had been attending our women’s ministry for years told me, “After all these years to listening to God’s instructions, I finally realized I should actually apply them!”  She started working to apply the Bible’s instructions on relationships and reported back to me that she began seeing amazing results!

This is what I mean when I say “Be a doer in relationships”.  The concept of “doing” comes from James 1:22 where the Bible gives this succinct but powerful instruction:  Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.  Duh!  Reading the Bible or hearing great preaching isn’t meant to just go in one ear and our the other!  God intends for us to apply what He is showing us!  He created human beings, so He knows best what leads to healthy, strong, loving relationships.

I can pretty much guarantee you that if you and I were to actually seek to apply what the Bible instructs us to do in relationships, we would see relationships healed and improved!  One of the most instructive sections of scripture on relationships is found in Colossians 3:12-13 (amplified translation) So, as God’s own chosen people, who are holy [set apart, sanctified for His purpose] and well-beloved [by God Himself], put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience [which has the power to endure whatever injustice or unpleasantness comes, with good temper]; 13 bearing graciously with one another, and willingly forgiving each other if one has a cause for complaint against another; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so should you forgive.

Let’s all seek to actually follow these instructions.  Be a “doer” of God’s instructions, and get ready for some amazing results!

Try this new goal during conflict

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

It’s natural during disagreements with your husband to believe you’re right, he’s wrong, and you must convince him of that!  However, if you stay stuck in that mindset, the battle only heats up.  He gets defensive.  You get defensive.  Usually, the situation either evolves into yelling and ugly accusations or a silent, but deadly cold war.  There is a better way, and it begins with rethinking your end goal.

What if your goal was not to “win” the argument or change his mind?  What if the goal was to reach a compromise or solution that addresses the biggest concerns of you both?  Seriously. Think about it. Now you both win and there are no losers.  This means that you both agree to consider the other person’s perspective, fears, values, and concerns.  From there, you begin to present ideas that might address both of your main concerns.  Philippians 2:4 reminds us “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” 

So, the next time you and your husband start to have a significant disagreement, suggest that you would like to sit down together and better understand his perspective and concerns.  Then gently share your concerns, and ask him to join you in brainstorming a solution or compromise that would be the best fit for both of you.