marriage

Signs husband has online problem

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

In case you weren’t yet aware, pornography is a gigantic cancer that is rapidly destroying marriages and entire families.  Hundreds of millions of men regularly view pornography (and many women too), and even among Christian men, the problem is rampant.  Goodness, even a majority of pastors admit to struggling with temptations to view porn.  Back in 2001, a survey found that 54% of pastors had viewed pornography in the past year.  I’m sure the numbers are much higher these days.

Why is pornography such a big deal?  Well, marriage counselors will tell you, and I will tell you from counseling many women in crisis in their marriages, that pornography usage almost always escalates into something truly horrific.  When a man starts viewing pornography, he almost always progresses to more and more perverse pornography as he chases that “buzz” from viewing something sexually arousing.  Unfortunately, in many cases, the man can no longer get his “fix” from pornography and ends up committing sexual acts outside of marriage.  In either case, the marriage is often destroyed and families are torn apart.

What are some signs of a possible porn problem for your husband?   Some common signs include no longer being interested in sex with you, coming to bed after you or exiting the bedroom in the middle of the night, and requesting increasingly perverse or odd sex acts from you.  If you notice some of these signs, it may be time to have a serious talk with your husband.  However, don’t approach him as an enemy.  Approach him in love, as his helper. Remember, in Genesis 2:18, God says “It is not good for man to be alone; I will make a helper suitable for him.”  Approach your husband kindly, but firmly, and let him know you want to help him tackle this problem that could harm both him and your family.  Insist that he seek serious, long-term help and accountability.

Forgiveness with boundaries

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) 1 Comment

For anyone who has read the Bible’s New Testament, it’s hard to escape God’s frequent instruction for us to forgive others who have wounded or offended us in some way.  A prime example is Ephesians 4:32, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”  Yet, many women struggle with what forgiveness actually looks like if the person who hurt you continues to pose emotional, mental, or physical danger.

Please allow me to share what I’ve learned after spending time studying the Bible and also helping numerous women grapple with forgiveness.  Here’s the big takeaway.  You can and must forgive the other person in terms of letting justice rest in God’s hands and choosing to avoid the temptation to hope (or make) them suffer for what they did. However, forgiveness does not necessarily mean you need to be in a close relationship with that person or leave your heart wide open for further damage. 

God gives a really pivotal instruction in Proverbs 4:23 where He says, “Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life”.  That’s where boundaries come in.  If the person who deeply hurt you is still posing a significant danger to your emotional, mental or physical health, it’s appropriate to guard yourself by establishing a boundary in the relationship.  This might mean a season of separation from that other person.  This might mean keeping yourself distant until you see signs that this person may no longer be a danger to you, or that you have undergone sufficient healing from the Lord so that you are now strong enough to be around this other person.

Yes, we must forgive, but we must also be wise in terms of guarding ourselves from further harm.

Physical intimacy vs the tired wife

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

For many women, especially moms of young children, making love to their husbands seems like yet one more thing on their to-do-list!  For an exhausted wife and mother, the idea of carving out time to be physically intimate with her husband sounds about as thrilling as running 15 miles on the treadmill at the gym at 5 o’clock in the morning! 

But here’s the thing.  We know that most men have an extremely high sex drive.  It isn’t their fault.  God made them that way.  🙂  So, one of the kindest and most loving things we can do for our husbands is to meet their sexual needs.  We need to strive to build a robust sex life with our husbands, and more than likely, you’ll enjoy it too!  To be honest, if we don’t have a vibrant sex life within our marriage, we’re setting up each other to subconsciously look for that excitement with someone else.  That’s why Paul instructs us in 1 Corinthians 7:5 “Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self control.”

The question is: How does the exhausted wife (and mother) build a robust sex life that both she and her husband enjoy?   Well, I believe she takes a really good look at her schedule of activities and responsibilities to see if there are any things she can cut out.  I bet there are some things she could reduce or cut completely!  Secondly, she asks her husband for help!   Can he put the kids to bed so that she has time to wind down and start thinking about enjoying physical intimacy with her husband?  Can he do the dishes after dinner or help the kids with their homework so that she can decompress and maybe take a bubble bath before she and her husband head to bed? 

Ask your husband if he would be willing to help with some tasks in the evenings so that you are more able to build a robust sex life with him.  I bet it is a trade he is willing to make!

Appreciation for all you do!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I get in a poopy mood (yes, I just used the highly technical term “poopy”!).  During my marriage to my late husband Raul, I would get in this grumpy mood when I did something sacrificial for my husband and he didn’t even seem to notice!  For instance, even though both my husband and I worked full-time in ministry, I decided that, for a while, I would do all the household cleaning chores so that my husband would be freed up to serve God even more.  I did this for a several-month stretch one year.

Did I enjoy vacuuming, dusting, cleaning toilets?  No, I did not.  Did I sometimes feel grumpy when I cleaned the house after already working a full day?  Yes, I did.  But then I thought, “well, at least my husband will sing my praises when he gets home and notices all I’ve done”.  However, even though I subtly pointed out to him what I had done, much to my shock, sometimes he didn’t say anything at all.  What!?!  

It’s at that time that God graciously reminded me that He noticed all I had done, and He was pleased.  I know that God was pleased whenever I served my husband because God instructs us in Matthew 9:35 that “Anyone who wants to be first must be the very last, and the servant of all.” 

God always notices what we’re doing even when no one else sees it!  In Matthew 6:4, the Bible reminds us that “your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.”   Let’s take heart that we are pleasing the “right” man when we serve our others sacrificially.  That right man is Jesus.

Don’t share your girlfriends!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

At the risk of you thinking I’m totally looney, may I suggest that you talk with your husband about clear boundaries regarding your female friends?  In other words, he should not be a close “friend” of any of your own girlfriends!  I know this might seem old-fashioned or even ridiculous, but many affairs start out with a husband “just talking” with another woman.  We need to be careful and alert to the schemes of the enemy!

1 Peter 5:8 says “Be alert and of sober-mind.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”  So, be alert to the enemy’s scheme to get your husband emotionally entangled with one of your friends.  He should not spend time with her without you.  He should not even be spending time on the phone with her giving advice or listening to her woes.  Without him intending to do so, he will slowly find himself developing an emotional bond with your friend, and she will start bonding with him.   Danger lies ahead!

Moving forward following betrayal

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Betrayal in marriage can come in many different forms.  Sometimes, it’s an emotional affair.  Other times, it’s an inappropriate online relationship.  Of course, betrayal can also mean an actual physical affair.  Any way you slice it, the cut is deep to the spouse who has been betrayed.  If you have been betrayed by your husband, your heart is broken and trust has been blown to smithereens by the lies and deceit that surround betrayal.  It will take time for you to heal and for trust to be restored.

If your husband is unrepentant and defiantly continues on with the affair/inappropriate relationship, then you will need to consult God and godly counselors as to whether you should consider divorce or whether you should set firm boundaries and wait for God to do a mighty transforming work in your husband’s life.

However, if your husband is indeed repentant, then you have a different kind of decision to make.  You will need to give yourself some time to grieve, and you will need to tell your husband what he needs to do in order to regain your trust.  Those things are a given.  But, at some point, you also have to make the decision to let go of the hurt and resentment and move forward in building a new and healthier marriage with your husband.  You MUST choose to let go of the resentment and pain after several months of grieving.  If you do not, and you keep throwing his past sin in his face, you will slowly beat down your husband to the point that he simply gives up.  You will also become a sour-faced woman who no one wants to be around! 

It’s easy to let your emotions guide your behavior, but that rarely ends well.  Resentment and bitterness act like a poison!  You must CHOOSE to let go of bitterness.  Hebrews 12:15 puts it this way:  “Let no bitter root grow up among you to cause trouble and defile many.”  Yes, you need to allow yourself time to grieve your pain with God and some godly girlfriends, and yes, you need to tell your husband how to regain your trust.  But then, you need to stop dwelling on the past!  Isaiah 43:18-19:  “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing.  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?”

What husbands needs to feel loved

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

You’ve probably heard of the “Five Love Languages”.  It’s something Christian author and psychologist Gary Chapman figured out about how people are wired in terms of receiving love.  The love languages are:  words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, quality time, and gifts.  Well, here’s something I’ve learned after talking with many wives whose husbands have completed the love language assessment.  Almost all men have “physical touch” as one of their top 2 love languages.

Ladies, this means your husband craves not just sex, but little signs of physical affection throughout the day.  When you do these small things, he feels loved by you.  So, why wouldn’t you give him the physical affection that you know would bless him?  By purposely withholding what he needs to feel loved, could it be that we’re actually sinning?  Listen to what God says in James 4:17: “If anyone knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them.”  Oh my.

Here are several ideas on how you can communicate love through physical touch.  Reach out to hold his hand as you walk through the store.  Give him a 20 second neck and shoulder rub as you’re walking by.  Pinch his tush as he walks through the kitchen.  Lean over his shoulder while he’s on the computer and give him a kiss.  Rest your hand on his leg while you’re sitting together on the couch watching TV.  Run your fingers through his hair.  These small acts of physical touch are totally easy and yet they mean so much to most husbands. Try it!

How to avoid nasty fights!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I’m on a journey of learning how to do relationships in a healthier, God-directed way!  I don’t know about you, but, in the past, when I got really disappointed in my husband or anybody, I tended to go in one of two unhealthy directions.  1) I avoided the potential conflict entirely by clamming up, putting up an ice shield, and then spiraling down into toxic resentment or 2) I let my tongue run wild and blasted the person with both barrels!  Neither one of these options yielded good results.

God’s way is so much different and better!  He says in Proverbs 15:1 “A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare”.  Gentle words.  Gentle words.  Gentle words.  I need to remind myself of this!  God is saying that we can avoid a nasty argument if we speak gently and kindly and maybe even assume the best about the other person instead of giving full vent to our anger.

I vividly remember when I put this into practice several years ago.  My late husband was really stressed as we were on a long-distance drive.  I was attempting to help with googling a gas station, but my phone ran out of data.  Ugh.  Then he started getting really sharp with me in his tone.  I mean…REALLY sharp.  I felt disrespected.  And oh boy, I decided that I didn’t deserve that tone and that I was going to tell him what a jerk he was.  Yeah, pastor’s wives don’t always have gracious thoughts, apparently. Sigh.

Anyway, somehow God got my attention before I blasted him and God reminded me of Proverbs 15:1.  So, I bit my tongue until we got all the way home, and as my husband was about to exit the car, I turned to him, laid a hand softly on his arm and said gently, “I know you love me and you would never intend to hurt me, but the way you talked to me back there was not okay.  Please don’t talk to me like that again.”  And that was that.  No big blow-up.  He didn’t feel condemned because I affirmed that I know he loves me.  With God’s prompting, I was able to defuse the nasty argument before it could start.  Gentle words.  Gentle words.  Gentle words.  Let’s all remember that!

Do not make major decisions if…

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

You may have heard of the acronym H.A.L.T.  It stands for hungry, angry, lonely, tired.   It is a caution often used in addiction recovery where people are urged not to make any drastic decisions when one of those 4 conditions applies.

That’s a really good caution for wives as well!  Don’t make any major decisions about leaving your husband, filing for divorce, or even giving full vent to your temper if you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired.  However, I would like to add one more condition.  Don’t make any major decisions when….it’s that time of the month!!  Women are often so overly-emotional in the days leading up to their period, that we become drama queens!  Everything happening around us is exaggerated in intensity.  So, even though you feel like reacting in a dramatic way, remind yourself to pause and see if you still feel the same way 3 or 4 days later.

This verse comes to mind.  James 1:19-20  My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.

A different way to kiss your husband!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Okay – I’ll come clean.  This might not be exactly what you expected.  I’m not going to attempt to teach anybody how to kiss well…in the literal sense!  However, God reveals something interesting in the Bible about kisses.  He says in Proverbs 24:26, “An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips“.  Wow!

What if you were to bless your husband (almost as good as a passionate kiss!) and be honest with him?  According to God, being honest with your guy would be very well received and appreciated!  Here are 3 ideas on how you can start being more honest with your husband:

1) Stop hinting and decide to directly and clearly state your needs, desires, and ideas.

2)  Be transparent about your past failures and even your current struggles instead of pretending you’re perfect.

3) Be respectful but honest if something is really bothering you, as opposed to stuffing your true feelings and allowing bitterness to close down your heart toward your husband.  In other words, when he asks you if something is wrong, don’t say “everything’s fine”, if it’s not!!