marriage

Must you submit to your husband?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I don’t claim to be the authority on the Bible’s instruction for wives to submit to their husbands, but after spending considerable time studying God’s Word, here’s what I have come to believe on this controversial subject.  God definitely plans for all of us to live under authority.  I would imagine He knows this prevents chaos from breaking loose!  So, in a family unit, God has placed the man as the authority, and the wife and children are under his authority.  If we used a business analogy, it’s rather like your husband is the general manager who must make the major decisions on the policy and ground rules for how the business will operate.

So what does this look like for a wife?   This means choosing to treat your husband respectfully and allowing your husband to lead you and your family.  Instead of you jumping into to take over leadership, and instead of you deciding how everything should go, you allow your husband to lead.  However, just as in a business, a wise husband will value the input and sage counsel of the wife who is usually more intimately involved with handling family matters each day.  

Now, where “submitting” to your husband can go haywire is when the husband veers off course morally or Biblically.  When the husband starts leading the family (or requesting the family) to engage or support wrong behavior, then the wife need not submit to such decisions.  Her first allegiance is to God and His commands.  God is the ultimate authority.   I believe that is why the Bible includes a “qualifier” in one of the instructions for the wife to submit to her husband.  It is found in Colossians 3:18, which says “the wife must submit to her husband, as is fitting in the Lord“.   If your husband is asking you to do something that is not “fitting in the Lord”, I don’t believe you must submit to such leadership.  I believe a wife can respectfully draw the line.   In addition, it’s my belief, from studying all of God’s Word, that “submission” does not mean the wife must be a doormat who tolerates disrespectful or even abusive behavior by her husband.  Such behavior by the husband is not “fitting in the Lord” either.   Submission is not being a doormat. 

How respect affects your husband

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Have you ever had this thought…”I don’t respect my husband”?  Honestly, I had that thought quite often in my first marriage, and because I didn’t FEEL respect, I didn’t ACT particularly respectful.  Unfortunately, I just went with how I felt.  I rolled my eyes at his ideas.  I took control of most everything in our family because I didn’t think he was capable.  I corrected him a lot.  And…..after quite a few years, he turned to other women for validation.

I learned many lessons after that failed marriage.  One of them is that a man desperately needs the respect of his wife.  He needs to know that she believes in him and is FOR him.  Now, this doesn’t mean she is supposed to ignore destructive and sinful choices in his life.  No, she needs to gently, but firmly, confront him if he is caught in a pattern of sin.  But, even then, she can be loving and kind and respectful!

In my 2nd marriage to Raul, I began pressing into this Biblical command (Ephesians 5:33) for wives to respect their husbands.  And oh my, what a difference it made!  He told me many times that he wouldn’t be able to tackle the things he was doing in life and for God if it weren’t for me being FOR him.  In fact, he often got tears in his eyes when I treated him respectfully because it was a new thing for him as well…and he desperately craved my respect.  All men do.  Try it and see what happens in your marriage.  Have you already tried it?  How has it impacted your marriage?

This activity destroys marriages!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I am filled with righteous indignation today, and frankly, I’m on the war path!  I keep on discovering more and more marriages that are slowly being destroyed due to pornography. The stories women tell me often reveal very similar downward spirals. Their husband’s use of porn has evolved into online sex chat rooms, actual encounters with other women, or even sex crimes.  Then there’s a whole other group of women who feel unloved because their husbands rarely, if ever, want to make love to them anymore.  The reason?  Their husbands are busy satisfying their sexual needs with pornography and masturbation.

I say ENOUGH!  It’s time that women everywhere step up with courage and dignity and declare war on pornography!  Ephesians 5, verse 3 says “among you there must not even be hint of sexual immorality” and in verse 11, God instructs us “Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.”   It’s time that all women adopt a zero tolerance standard for pornography use by their men (and themselves as well). I’m NOT saying to declare war on your husband. He is not the enemy.  However, we can no longer wring our hands in defeat and stand by helplessly as our marriages and families crumble. 

What should you do if your husband is viewing pornography?  Respectfully, lovingly, but firmly, tell him you will not tolerate that anymore.  Ask him if he’s willing to do whatever it takes to stop.  If he says yes, then work with him to find help.  There are some great programs out there.  For instance, in the Bellingham, WA area, men are being helped at Band of Brothers For Christ and another group called Prodigals.  If your husband refuses to sincerely seek help or continues looking at porn, then you may have to establish a firm boundary in the relationship.  You may even have to separate for a time.  Take a stand, ladies!  If you don’t, you and your marriage will likely end up being destroyed.

What legacy are you leaving?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Watching the news each night on television makes me shudder.  We learn of terrorist attacks, riots, murders, and plagues.  We watch towns leveled and lives taken by flooding, earthquakes and tornadoes.  Life on this earth is so short, and we never know when we will be living our last day in these bodies.  It causes me to reflect on the legacy I would leave if I were to be called home to be with Jesus today.  It is something for you to ponder too.  In what condition would you have left your marriage?  What would be your marriage legacy?  Would your children say they had an excellent role model for what a godly wife is supposed to look like?  Or would they say mom was cold and bitter toward dad or seemed to always point out something he had done wrong?

The Bible wisely instructs us “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry…”  (Ephesians 4:26).   So, perhaps today is a good day to take inventory on your relationships.  Have you let anger and bitterness creep into the relationship with your husband, or your children, or other loved ones?  Do what you can to respectfully address the issues that have prompted bitterness or anger.  The Bible says in Romans 12:18, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”  So, do what you can today to make peace. Don’t wait until tomorrow.  I don’t mean to be theatrical, but truly, none of us has an ironclad guarantee of another sunrise.  Let’s leave a godly legacy for our children.  Let’s show our daughters how a wife can show respect and honor for her husband while at the same time refusing to put up with disrespectful or abusive behavior.

Be alert to this mistake in marriage

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

There is a particularly vicious cycle that can start in a relationship. It’s super common but also super subtle.  Trust me. You don’t want to enter this cycle.  The cycle goes like this:

My husband does something wrong, so I feel completely justified in my critical and disrespectful response.  Or my husband does something that really annoys me, so I feel totally justified doing that certain thing that I know really annoys him.  In both cases, of course he responds with his own counter move, and the vicious cycle has begun.  We give into the subtle, destructive temptation to “hurt him just like he hurt me”.  We feel justified in our reactions, but we’ve just escalated the war.  Unfortunately, in this war, there are no winners…just losers.

I know!  Here’s an idea! (yes, you noted some sarcasm there).  How about if we decide not to play the justification game anymore?  How about if you, as your husband’s helper, decide to respond to your husband with grace, love and respect, even when he annoys you?  How about if you choose to stop trying to punish him every time he upsets you? Romans 12:18-19 directs us to live this way…”If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.  Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord”.

Now, don’t get me wrong. This doesn’t mean you should keep totally quiet all the time and tolerate abusive or harmful behavior.  You may need to establish boundaries on sinful behavior.  However, even if you’re confronting your husband or establishing boundaries, you can do so with love, compassion, respect, and gentleness!

If husband is doing things wrong!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

We are all going to be frustrated or concerned with our husbands from time to time because they aren’t doing things right.  Of course, we define “right” as “our way”!!! 

For you, perhaps you’re upset and frustrated with the way your husband is parenting the kids.  You don’t think he’s doing it the right way.  Maybe he is handling the finances differently than you would.  Perhaps you disagree with his opinion on women serving in pastoral roles at your church.  What is a wife to do?!

Here are 3 things that God showed me as I asked him this very question, because believe it or not, my husband and I don’t always see eye to eye on everything!

  1.  Ask God to help you see if you have a pride problem.  Think about it.  The minute you say that your husband isn’t doing things “right”, you’re implying that your way is the only way that’s correct.  That’s pretty arrogant, to put it bluntly.  The exception would be if your husband is entangled in a pattern of sin.  That should, of course, be addressed.  Otherwise, differences of opinion are normal.  Different ways of handling things are normal.  It doesn’t mean he’s wrong and you’re right. 
  2. Ask God to help you focus on what your husband is doing well; the things you can and should be grateful for.  Instead of dwelling on the little differences of opinion and the small disagreements, focus on what he does well.  For example, if your husband attends church and loves the Lord, be super grateful for that, instead of getting upset that his opinions about church dynamics are different than yours.
  3. Ask God to help you remember that your husband is a work in progress in the hands of God.  No one has arrived at perfection, including you.  We are all being slowly molded and matured by God.  Maturity takes time!!  2 Corinthians 3:18 puts it this way:  And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.  So, as you’re waiting for God to slowly transform your husband, pray that God would gently convict him if he’s off course in some area.  God will definitely answer that prayer…in his own timing.

Conversation-starters for date nights

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

We’ve all seen that couple at a restaurant…that couple that hardly speaks a word to each other throughout the whole meal.  Don’t be that couple!  You and your husband may not be used to revealing your hearts to each other, but give it a try, and don’t just talk about the kids.  Here are two helpful hints in terms of making your husband comfortable in opening up his heart to you in conversation:  1) Show an actual interest in what your husband shares  2) Do not criticize, point out flaws, or roll your eyes at the things he shares!   Philippians 2:4 instructs…”Each of you should look not only to your own interest, but also to the interest of others.”  So, really listen to the hopes, dreams, fears, concerns, and feelings of your husband.

Here are 4 questions you could use as date night conversation starters:

1)  What makes you feel most fully alive…as in what do you so enjoy doing that you feel great satisfaction or delight and you easily lose track of time?

2)  If you had 100 million dollars and didn’t have to work for a living, what would you love to do with your time and money?

3) What are the 2 or 3 most impactful moments of your life?

4) What was the best part of your day and what was the most discouraging part of your day?

A game-changer during marital conflict

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Conflict and disagreement is inevitable in marriage.  However, conflict need not lead to the formation of two enemy camps!  Here’s something that can greatly change the dynamics during conflict and actually move you closer to resolution.  Pause and ask God to help you see the situation through your husband’s eyes. Ask the Lord to show you what is truly prompting your husband to say what he’s saying or do what he’s doing. Is he stressed?  Is he discouraged?  Is he still affected by emotional wounds from his childhood?  Does he simply have a different idea on how something should be done, and could his idea actually make sense?

When we intentionally pause and try to consider the vantage point of our husbands, we begin to have compassion, or at least an understanding of why he is thinking or acting the way he is. Instead of only focusing on our desires, Philippians 2:4 instructs us, “Look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” When you truly stop and try to look at the situation from his perspective, you may see some actual merit to your husband’s point of view!  You might also start to realize how your husband’s past hurts in life (or current fears) are playing a role in his actions or reactions.

When we ask Jesus to help us see the situation through our husband’s eyes, we start to soften and feel compassion.  As we have compassion and understanding, it will be much easier to compromise or find a resolution.  Try it!

Hearing God’s guidance for your marriage

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

In any relationship, especially a marriage, there are going to be times when the two of you are in conflict.  Perhaps your husband is breaking your heart through wrong behavior.  At each of those times, we have to make really big decisions.  Should I confront my husband on an issue where he appears to be out of line?  Should I keep quiet and press into prayer, relying on the Holy Spirit to work in my husband’s heart?  Should I compromise on an issue where we’ve been in conflict?

At these times, counsel from other godly women is very helpful, but honestly, my very best guidance comes from God himself.  I just need to take a few moments to be quiet with Him and ask Him to speak direction into my mind and heart.  Psalm 142:3 says “When my spirit faints within me, you know my way.”   When I pause, close my eyes, and ask God in prayer to give me direction, I often sense a gentle nudge, or a prompting, or I feel like He’s speaking a word of direction into my mind in that moment.  Unless the “prompting” goes against what the Bible would say, I trust that God has just spoken to me.

I did this recently on an issue between me and a close relative.  I thought for sure I should make a certain decision, but once I spent just a few moments quieting myself and asking God to speak His counsel into my mind, I received guidance to go the exact opposite direction!  He even allowed me to see why my original idea was flawed. Try this yourself.  God is waiting at the door of your mind and heart.  Open the door and let Him in.

If your husband has crazy plans!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Are you bewildered by the amount of time your husband spends surfing online to check out the latest, fastest motorcycles available, or talking about quitting his job to open a risky new business, or dreaming about buying a huge boat and sailing around the world?  Apparently, you’re not alone!  Many wives report being frustrated, bewildered, and maybe even scared about their husband’s “crazy” ideas to spend way too much money on a hobby or to take a gigantic risk on some new money-making adventure or wild life-style change.  So, what’s a wife to do?  Let me give you two thoughts:

1)  Since a wife is to show respect to her husband (Ephesians 5:33), avoid the tendency to ridicule his plans, but instead come to him gently and with a true desire to understand how his idea would work.  You can simply say, “Tell me more about your idea…”  Then, you can ask gentle, respectful follow-up questions, such as, “How are you thinking we would handle the financial part of that idea?” or “Do you have some thoughts on how we would pay our mortgage while your new business is getting started?”

2)  Also, ask your husband if he will take the matter to God in prayer to seek God’s guidance on his dreams and plans. By the way, it will be super helpful if you’re humble and ask your husband if he has any concerns about the way that you spend your free time or about the things you tend to focus on.  When we are humble, our husbands are much more willing to accept input and gentle correction.  Colossians 3:12 says “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.”