women

This curse on women explains much!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

When you think of the curses placed on Adam and Eve after they ate the forbidden apple, you probably think of Adam having to toil to bring food to the table and you likely think of Eve having to endure pain in childbirth.  However, there is another curse placed on Eve that may have escaped your notice.  It’s found in Genesis 3:16 where God says “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you“.  That word “desire” in the original Hebrew means “to run to, to stretch out after, to have a vehement desire for”.  Oh my.  This explains a lot!

Almost all women struggle with almost an insane, overwhelming desire to secure a man.  And this starts early!  In fact, over the years, as I’ve observed my granddaughters at toddler age, they have tended to gravitate to their grandpas, dads, and boy cousins.  Hmmm.

My point is this.  If we recognize this curse, we will be more able to deal with it.  The curse may explain why it’s so difficult for most women to establish and enforce boundaries with their husbands when their men are sinning against them by using pornography, drinking excessively, gambling large sums of money, spending time with other women, etc.   If we do indeed have a deep instinctive desire (curse) to desperately hang onto our guy, we believe we can’t do anything to threaten our grip!   This explains a lot, doesn’t it?  Knowledge is the beginning of understanding.  Ask Jesus to give you clarity about how your thoughts and actions are being affected by the curse.  Then ask Him to give you courage and strength to make wise decisions.  Tip:  When you stop making a man the most important thing in your life and make Jesus your main relationship, then you will have the courage and confidence to set wise boundaries in your marriage (or dating relationships!

Subtle signs of codependency

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Over the years, I’ve met with so many women who have been almost destroyed by their husband’s behavior.  They tell stories of husbands being verbally abusive, or controlling, or unfaithful, or only interested in themselves with no concern for their wife. It’s heartbreaking for sure.  And, honestly, I can relate to some of their stories in my own previous relationships.

If you are in an abusive marriage or your husband is cheating on you, of course, I would recommend seeking immediate guidance from a pastor, women’s ministry leader or Christian counselor.  You need not endure or enable such sinful and hurtful behavior.

That being said, I also want to urge you to break free from a subtle but huge snare of our culture.  Our culture has convinced many of us that our husbands should make us happy, that our husbands should meet all our emotional and relational needs.  Here’s the problem with that expectation.  All husbands are imperfect!  Many husbands struggle with sin.  Lots of men have their own deep emotional wounds from childhood that prompt them to lash out in anger or seek validation from other women.  If you rely on your husband for your “happiness”, you will live in a constant state of disappointment, grief and resentment.  You will have fallen into the subtle trap of codependency which prompts you to subconsciously depend on people to meet your deep emotional needs for love and security, rather than depend on God.

Instead, I ask you to look to God alone as your main love relationship!  God alone is steady.  God alone is your perfect help and refuge during life’s challenges.  Psalm 62:6-8 He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken.  My victory and honor come from God alone.      He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me.  O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge.

** or view this topic as a 3 minute VIDEO BELOW

A hazard for high-achiever women!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Hello.  My name is Debbie Chavez, and I’m a list-aholic.  Yes, I admit it.  I love being super- organized, and I love “accomplishing” a lot every day.  It makes me feel good about myself.  In fact, my compulsion to accomplish tons of stuff everyday is so bad…..if I do something that was not on my list, I actually add it onto my list so that I can scratch it out! 

There is nothing wrong with completing many tasks each day, and there is certainly nothing wrong with being organized, but when we become a slave to our lists, we have a problem.  How about you?  Are you a list-acholic?  Here’s what I’ve been noticing lately.  When I become a slave to my to-do list, I am not a very peaceful woman.  I become a driven person, and I’m not flexible enough to respond to new situations or needs in my family.  Perhaps we need to meditate on the story of Mary and Martha in Luke 10:40-42.  Martha was busy bustling about with tasks, while Mary sat peacefully at the feet of Jesus.  Jesus gently rebuked Martha in verse 42 saying, “Martha, Martha…you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed, or indeed only one.  Mary has chosen what is better…”

So, maybe you and I should stop being neurotic about our lists!  I am still making a list each day, but unless something on that list is absolutely critical, I’m allowing myself to skip some of the items in order to respond to my family or friends if I can see that they could use my help or encouragement.  If you’re a wife, I believe this adjustment could make you more like the 1 Peter 3 wife.  She is described as having a “gentle and quiet spirit”.  I don’t think she could be quiet and peaceful if she was running around like a chicken with her head cut off!  She obviously wasn’t a slave to a long to-do-list.   The question is:  Do you need to re-evaluate your lists?

Are you suffering outside God’s will?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Even though you may have accepted Jesus as your Savior and Lord, you and I will still encounter trials and hardships in this life here on earth.  They are inevitable.  In fact Jesus told his disciples in John 16:33..”In this world you will have trouble.”   Sometimes, the trouble is inside your marriage, and when that’s the case, you often find the need to practice great patience, endurance and “longsuffering”.  The Bible tells us in Ephesians 4:2 that we should act “with all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love…” (KJV).  Other translations use the word “patience” in the place of longsuffering.

However, the Bible doesn’t always advise us to just sit on our hands and settle into a long season of quiet endurance and longsuffering.   Jesus says in Matthew 18:15-17 that we’re supposed to confront someone who is actively sinning against us.  We always need to be respectful and loving, yet he tells us to confront that person who stubbornly continues in a pattern of sin against us, refusing to make changes.

So yes, there is a place for patience and longsuffering in relationships, especially when your husband has asked for forgiveness and is working to break free from a pattern of sin.  However, you may be “longsuffering” unnecessarily if you have never directly confronted your husband about a sin pattern and insisted that he make changes. The appropriate time for longsuffering is when you’ve already confronted the person sinning against you and they show evidence of trying to turn away from that pattern of sin.  I guess my question to you is this:  Have you lovingly and firmly confronted your husband if he is sinning against you or your children?  Have you drawn clear boundaries on what continuing behavior is unacceptable? If you haven’t, then there’s a chance you are longsuffering outside of God’s will.  Pray about it and see what God reveals.

A special word to husbands

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

99.9 percent of my Bible-based insights are designed to help women personally and in their marriages. But I know that many husbands also read these messages, so I want to take a moment to give you an important insight about the woman in your life!  Ladies, if you’re the one reading this, perhaps you can tell your husband that I’m asking him to read this as well. 😊

God tells husbands in Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”  And later, in verses 28-29, God says “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church”.

So, God is calling you to love your wife in a self-sacrificing way…and to cherish her.  Please allow me to explain 3 key things that virtually every wife needs from you to feel loved and cherished:

  1. She longs to feel beautiful.  That means she needs you to notice her hair, her make-up, her outfit and tell her how beautiful she is…that she looks amazing today.  It also means that if she finds out you’ve been looking at pornography, she is deeply scarred.  The unspoken message she receives is that she is NOT attractive enough, that she doesn’t measure up, that every time you want to make love, you’re envisioning being with another woman who you view as more beautiful than her. That’s why I’m begging you to get help if you’re addicted to pornography.  Every time you look at porn, you’re slicing your wife’s heart.
  2. Every woman craves security. We’re just wired that way. She longs to feel financially secure and relationally-secure.  That’s why she gets freaked out when you talk about quitting your job or spending money on a new S-U-V.  She desperately needs to feel secure. 
  3. She needs you to be loving and gentle and involved with her children (whether those kids are your bio kids or step kids).  Nothing will break a wife’s heart quicker than to witness her husband being harsh or disrespectful or critical with her children.  That doesn’t mean that you need to be a push-over who doesn’t discipline the children, but she needs you to do so with love.  She needs to know that you deeply care about her children.

3 ways to handle a bad day

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Sometimes, life just gets plain hard.  You forget to pay a bill on time and get hit with a giant “late fee”.  You catch your husband looking at pornography.  You teenager lies to you.  Your child accidentally drops an entire jog of milk on the kitchen floor.  Ugh!

At times like these, it’s easy to feel weighed down.  It’s so common for us to give into despair and depression.  But instead of conceding defeat, we can regain our spiritual equilibrium by practicing 3 things: 

1) Recognize this is a scheme of the enemy to try to steal, kill or destroy your joy  (John 10:10 “the thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy“)

2)  Remind your soul of the enemy’s inability against our mighty God (1 John 4:4 “You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.“)  *Sometimes I even laugh at Satan’s pitiful attempts to drag me down!  I like putting him back in his place!

3) Trust that God will carry you through this challenge and even redeem the circumstances so that something good comes about in the long run. God is an expert at turning lemons into lemonade! (Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who are called according to his purpose.”)

How to reduce anxiety in your home

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Who would have thunk it?  (Yes, I know thunk is not a word).  Anyway, I discovered something absolutely fascinating about 10 years ago, and it was confirmed by a young wife at Squadron of Sisters during a subsequent meeting.  Husbands can become very stressed, anxious, and uneasy when their home is a mess!  I had read surveys about this before, but it was really underscored by what a wife shared with our group.

She said her husband started to have pretty severe anxiety problems.  She didn’t understand why. He had a good job. She had a good job.  Their relationship was going well.  So what could be the problem?  Well, she attended an SOS meeting where we shared that men really desire a tidy household.  So, she went home and created a chore chart with stickers (yes, like parents use with their kids!).  She didn’t do all the chores herself.  She simply took charge of creating a plan to make sure the house could become tidy and clean.

The result?  Within a very short time, her husband’s anxiety completely disappeared!  Wow!  I guess that Proverbs 31 wife really has it figured out.  In verse 27, the Bible describes her as a woman who “looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.”  Coming up with a plan to keep your house tidy and clean can really boost your man’s sanity, your children’s sanity and your own sanity! 

How to break free from insecurity

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I’m a fairly confident, secure woman….most of the time.  But there are still moments where that awful insecurity shows up.  How about you?  For me, it often relates to the way I look.  I compare myself to other women and fall way short.  Sometimes, I’m insecure in terms of whether friends or even relatives really like me.  Other times, I get down on myself about whether anything I do really matters.  Ugh.  I hate feeling so insecure!

So, how do we become more secure?  Well, for me, it means turning to God for my “value”.  I need to remember the only audience that really matters is an audience of one.  God is the one with whom I will spend eternity.  He is the one who created me to be in relationship with Him.  He is really the only one I need to please, and what he says about me is really all that matters.

Meditate on these Scriptures and if you’re anything like me, you will feel a warm blanket of security envelop you.

Psalm 139:13-16

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Zephaniah 3:17

The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you; He will quiet you with his love; He will rejoice over you with singing.

Hebrews 13:5

Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you

What I wish mom had told me

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I wish my mom had told me sooooo many things! 

  • I wish she would have warned me that high school age boys with raging hormones would pressure me to have sex and use the infamous line “If you love me, you will….”  
  • I wish she would have told me that following God’s ways, instead of the ways of the culture, leads to great blessing and peace.  Isaiah 26:3 You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.
  • I wish I would have known that a marriage will never survive if your husband is sinning against you, and you avoid addressing the issue because of fear of conflict.
  • I wish I would have known that if you continue avoiding conflict, your heart will start to grow so hard and cold toward your husband that the devil will gain a huge foothold in your marriage, and you will likely spiral down into divorce.  Ephesians 4:26-27   “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold.
  • I wish my mom had told me that a Christian woman CAN and should set boundaries on sinful behavior of her husband, and perhaps even separate for a while if necessary.  (Matthew 18:15-17)
  • I wish my mom had told me that a marriage can be better than you ever imagined if both spouses follow the Lord, die to self, and strive to be a blessing to the other.  That is the secret sauce of marriage!  Galatians 5:13 says “serve one another humbly in love.”
  • I wish I would have known that even after your spouse is ripped away from you in death, that God is still good to those who trust in Him, and He can and will bring beauty from ashes.  Psalm 103:4-5  who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

I may not be your mother, but now you know!!!

Secret struggle of many women

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

We’re fearless at Squadron of Sisters!  We don’t shy away from tackling the big, hairy, sensitive challenges that impact marriages!! (Get your seatbelt fastened for yet another sensitive topic today!)  A few days ago, I wrote about common signs that a husband might have a serious problem with pornography, but the truth is many women also struggle with porn.  This is not just an issue for men.  If you are one of the many Christian women caught up in viewing pornography, there is hope for you to break free of the hold it has on you.

First, you need to know how important it is to break free from porn.  You probably already know that God tells us to flee sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 6:18), but there is a very practical side to this as well.  Just like men unintentionally condition themselves to only respond to masturbation as they view porn, women can have the same problem.  If you use your hand (or other sex toys) to stimulate yourself while viewing porn, you may start conditioning yourself to only respond to masturbation.  In other words, your husband may no longer be able to bring you to orgasm.

Fortunately, there are some great resources to help women who are struggling with a porn habit.  Here are some websites that may help you:

http://www.dirtygirlsministries.com

http://www.walkinginfreedom.net

http://www.porntopurity.com