tips

Oddest tip for a vibrant marriage!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I’m going to give you the oddest, most counter-intuitive tip for your marriage.  You’re not going to want to hear this tip, let alone do it!  However, I urge you to give it a chance; maybe even do an experiment and try it for a few weeks straight.  I learned in my marriage to Raul that this tip was powerful and transformative, and it drew my husband’s heart to me.  Here is the tip, and it is a Biblical principle:  Die to self.  I know. I told you it was counter-intuitive!  In short, this principle could be summed up like this:  It isn’t all about me! 

  • Luke 9:23 And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.”  
  • 1 Corinthians 10:24  No one should seek their own good, but the good of others. 
  • Philippians 2:3-4 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Here’s what I know.  When I focus on myself, and what I want, and what I think I need, and how the people in my life aren’t making me happy or perfectly meeting my needs….I grow depressed and resentful.  I become an irritable, sour-faced woman!  No one, including a husband, wants to be around that!!  But, if I focus on serving God, responding to his prompts on loving and serving others….I feel fulfilled and joyful.  In marriage, if you focus on being a blessing to your husband, his heart is drawn to you and your heart, believe it or not, is drawn to him. The marriage grows stronger!  By the way, being a blessing to your husband can mean many things.  It can mean being kind even though he’s in a bad mood from a stressful day…or getting up early to make him a great breakfast even though you’re headed off to work too…or lovingly and respectfully asking him to seek help if he has a personal problem that is spiraling out of control. 

Try it for a few weeks.  Ask God every morning to help you die to self-centeredness and ask Him for direction on how to be a blessing to your husband this day.  Let me know how it goes!

Words a wife should never say!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Husbands battle the world every day at their jobs.  Co-workers stab them in the back.  Other men put them down in order to look more important.  The culture tells your man he is a failure if he doesn’t own a Tesla and he can’t dunk like LeBron James.

So when your man comes home to you, the last thing he needs is to feel like a failure in your eyes too.  However, our words often unintentionally communicate just that!  Perhaps this is why God felt it necessary to actually instruct wives in Ephesians 5:33 that “the wife must respect her husband”. 

Even if your husband has disappointed you, you can still be respectful as you address his behavior, request changes, and establish boundaries.  However, if you condemn him and belittle him in that moment of disappointment, you shred his heart.  As a result, he will likely turn his heart away from you, self-medicate his pain in destructive ways, or simply stop trying to be a good man since you don’t see anything good in him anyway!

With the need to respect your husband in mind, here are 12 words you should never say to your man:

  1. You always….(insert complaint)
  2. You never… (insert complaint)
  3. Why don’t you ever…?
  4. I don’t respect you
  5. I feel like your mother
  6. If people only knew what you are really like
  7. You don’t make enough money
  8. How many times do I have to tell you…?
  9. That’s not the right way to do it
  10. I don’t need you
  11. I’ll never be able to trust you
  12. You’re a jerk

Take a marriage lesson from you dog!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Have you ever noticed how a man loves his dog?  Maybe it’s partly because the dog is clearly devoted to his man and shows it by jumping around with giddy delight the moment his man walks in the door.  Maybe it’s because the dog is his loyal companion.  Maybe it’s because the dog seems to just accept his man, despite his flaws and isn’t bent on criticizing his every move. J   

I can’t help but think wives could learn something from a man’s dog. (Yes, I’m saying this a bit tongue in cheek, but maybe a bit seriously too!)  What if you, as a wife, rushed to the door and greeted your husband with love and excitement, just as a dog greets its owner when he comes in the door at the end of the work day?  What if you, as a wife, were as eager to please as a man’s dog?  What if you were as much a faithful companion to your husband as dogs are for their owners?  What if you, like a lap dog, made it a practice of snuggling up close, without talking?  The Bible actually has something to say about that.  In 1 Peter 3:1, God says that “husbands may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives.”  Hmmm.  That’s something to ponder.  Yep, perhaps there are a few lessons to learn from “a man’s best friend”….

This makes a husband feel respected

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

If you’ve spent plenty of time reading the New Testament (or if you’ve read many of my devotionals), you probably already know that the Bible has a very clear instruction to wives about respect.  God’s instruction is very concise and to the point in Ephesians 5:33. God simply says, “the wife must respect her husband”. 

However, two concerns often arise when a wife thinks about this instruction.  First, many wives shrug off this command because they don’t feel respect for their husband.  But the Bible verse says nothing about waiting to “feel” respect.  It simply tells wives to carry out the action verb of respect!  In other words, a wife can choose to act respectfully toward her husband, and she can do this even if she’s establishing a boundary on sinful behavior.

The second concern that arises from this instruction is how to show respect to your husband.  We aren’t men, so we don’t know what comes across as respectful versus disrespectful.   I’ve learned that many things communicate respect to a man, but let me share just one easy thing you can do.  Ask your husband’s advice on something and then actually follow his advice!  It’s so simple, yet so powerful! 

I did this the other day.  I was trying to craft a text to a relative regarding something rather sensitive and I wanted to be diplomatic.  Then I remembered to ask my husband for advice, and he actually provided a good insight!  In addition to that, I know he felt respected.  When you ask for your husband’s advice, you’re basically communicating that you think he has a brain and has something valuable to offer.  That makes him feel esteemed and respected.  Try it. 

One way to rid stress from your home

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Is there a lot of tension in your home?  Are you or your husband stressed much of the time?  There’s likely an imbalance in one or both of your lives!  I know that was sometimes the case for me and my husband Raul over the years.  In our situation, we got so bent on running ministries, counseling others, and helping take care of grandchildren that there was little to no time at all for us to simply relax and get filled back up.  God didn’t intend for us to be so “driven” that we became grouchy, irritable, cantankerous people!

On the other hand, Satan wants you to be so busy that you become stressed, pay no attention to nurturing your marriage or yourself, and then both you and your marriage slowly wither and die.  But Jesus says He wants us to enjoy life to the full!  Meditate on what Jesus says in John 10:10 “The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it to the full”.

All work and no play is a formula for disaster.  We need to intentionally carve out some “down time” for rest, recreation and fun.  When my husband and I could feel the stress mounting, we would choose to get away for a day or a weekend.  We relaxed, and it was rejuvenating!  Our stress level decreased.   My goodness, even Jesus needed to get away from the stress of his work to spend quiet time alone.  Luke 5:16 says Jesus “often withdrew to desolate places and prayed”   Is there an adjustment you need to make in your schedule or a weekend get-away that you need to plan for you and your husband?

4 things to do if he disappoints you

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Every wife is going to have moments (or weeks or months!) that she’s disappointed with her husband.  No man is perfect, and your husband is bound to frustrate you, annoy you, or fail to meet your expectations from time to time.  The question is:  How can you keep from being seriously discouraged or resentful during those times?  I have found 4 things to be really helpful:

1) Clearly communicate your expectations and desires!  Men are not mind-readers, yet often wives expect their husbands to “just know”!  So, think about the areas in which you’ve been frustrated or disappointed. Then calmly and clearly tell your husband what you desire or need, as well as how much you’d appreciate him making an effort to meet those needs and desires.

2) Be grateful for what he does right!  Isn’t it strange how most wives tend to gravitate to focusing on what their husband is doing wrong, but barely give a second thought to what he’s doing right?!  Stop right now and ask God to help you see the many good things about your husband and the positive things he does.  This is the essence of Philippians 4:8… “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such thing.”

3) If your husband is actually sinning against you, it’s time to stop wringing your hands and it may be time to take action!  In Matthew 18:15-17, Jesus instructs us to confront the person who sins against us, and to even get others involved if necessary.

4) Pray, and never give up!  Prayer truly can move mountains, and Jesus tells us in Luke 18:1 that we “should always pray and not give up“.  So go to battle in prayer, and ask God to reveal His love to your husband and to mold and shape your husband’s heart.

Remaining beautiful to your husband

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Here are three things I learned over my many years of marriage to my late husband Raul (and my new marriage to Mark) about becoming a beautiful wife in the eyes of my husband, regardless of the aging process.  **For those of you who are new to this devotional, both Mark and I lost our spouses to illness, and as a widower and widow, God brought us together in marriage in 2023!

1)  Put effort into looking your best for your husband, just like you did when you were dating him!  There are many healthy decisions you must choose to make on a daily basis so that you can look your best.  For instance, build into your schedule a 30 minute walking or bike-riding time perhaps 4 days a week.  Even if you have young children, there is a way to make this work. Put the kids in a stroller or have them ride their bike with you.

2) Shed insecurity and choose to have a confident attitude about your appearance and value.  My late husband told me several times that a woman’s confidence is VERY attractive to men.  Flirt with your husband.  Give him some playful, sexy, sass!  He will find that quite attractive, whether or not you have a poofy abdomen following childbirth or wrinkles on your face!  I’m over 60 years old, and I’m still doing this in my new marriage to Mark.  Guess what?  It works!! 😊

3) Embrace 1 Peter 3:4 which tells wives their beauty comes from a “gentle and quiet spirit”.  When I asked Raul what this verse means, he said it means that a wife is FOR her husband and not fighting him every step of the way.  It means she interacts with her husband in a peaceful way and treats her husband with respect, even if she needs to confront him about a problem behavior.

Every wife wants to remain beautiful to her husband.  So, ask God to grow you in self-control, confidence, peacefulness, and respect for your man.

How your mood affects your husband

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I realized the most interesting thing one day several years ago in my marriage!  I was having one of those super frustrating days, where everything seemed to be going wrong.  It was the kind of frustrating day where you desperately want the cathartic release of smashing china dishes against the wall!  Am I the only one who has ever felt that way?  🙂

Anyway, my husband walked into the house to discover a wife who was steaming from everything that had gone wrong that day.  Then something strange happened.  He got visibly agitated over my state of frustration.  It really bothered him that I was upset. My bad mood became contagious!!  He could not be at peace because I was not at peace. It reminded me that our husbands really do want their wives to be content and at peace.  In fact, 1 Peter 3 tells wives to strive for the “unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit”.   Hmmm.  Interesting.  So, how do we get this peacefulness, even in frustrating circumstances?  The Bible tells us contentment comes when we trust in God, lean into God, and ask for His power to carry us!  Philippians 4:13 says ” I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” 

So, I began refusing to allow the frustrating moments of life to sour my mood.  I began laughing off Satan’s attempts to goad me into being irritable and sharp with everyone around me.  I pivoted to God in those challenging moments and asked Him to strengthen me, equip me, and give me His peace.  Interestingly, when I started choosing to trust God to carry me during those frustrating moments in life, not only did I become peaceful and content, but I enjoyed the unexpected benefit of my husband and those around me becoming more peaceful too!

Make sure he’s thinking of you!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Yes, there are a lot of temptations facing your husband every day.  He will likely see beautiful women, either at work, at the espresso stand, or at the sandwich shop on any given day.  If you have cable TV, Hulu, or Netflix, he will certainly view gorgeous women there.  There’s just no getting around it.  But there’s one thing he won’t regularly encounter with those women.  They’re not waiting at home for him with a passionate kiss at the end of his exhausting day!

The way to ensure your husband is thinking about you during his day is to take a moment before he leaves for work and whisper into his ear some of the “plans” you have for him that evening!  The bride in the Bible’s Song of Songs models this for us!   Here is just one excerpt of the arousing words she spoke to her groom in anticipation of them coming together intimately… “Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits” (Song of Songs 4:10) 

So, what erotic thing could you whisper to your husband as he heads off to work?  You might say something like this:  “I’m getting a sitter for the kids tonight and I’ll be waiting for you in the kitchen, wearing an apron and nothing else.”  Be creative.  Of course, you can’t do this every day.  However, if you do it every few weeks, he’ll be dreaming of the next time you have a pleasant surprise waiting for him.  He will be thinking of you!

The ABC’s of marriage communication

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

So many wives lament about the problem of communication in their marriage.  Although entire books have been written on this subject, allow me to spell out 3 seemingly small things you can do that will greatly improve communication in your marriage.  They are the A, B, C’s:

  1. Assumptions are poison:  Don’t assume that your husband knows what you want or need, even though it is totally obvious to you and to pretty much every other woman on the face of the earth!  Men don’t think like women.  They don’t pick up on hints either.  So if you want something or need help with something, make your request clear and specific.  Example:  If you’re feeling overwhelmed because friends are coming over for dinner and your house is a mess, don’t just tell your husband you’re overwhelmed.  He may just sit down and start watching a basketball game on TV while you frantically start cleaning and grow more irritated by the minute!  Instead, ask him if he will do a certain chore such as vacuuming and have it done by no later than 6 pm. 
  2. Believe the best:  Believe the best about your husband during communication.  It’s funny how we tend to read between the lines in unflattering ways when our husband talks to us.  But what if you were to constantly coach your soul to believe the best about your husband and to place what he says through that filter?  Example:  Your husband says he’s too tired to play with the kids tonight even though they’re begging him to play catch.  You immediately assign a negative conclusion or belief that “he doesn’t even love our children!”.  But that isn’t what he said.  What if you were to immediately believe the best about him and come to the conclusion that he must be really tired from a stressful day at work and needs some time to get recharged?  What a difference!
  3. Careful listening:  Many communication problems could be solved if we were simply better listeners.  Often, we’re distracted and only partially paying attention to what our husband is saying.  Other times, especially during a disagreement, we aren’t paying any attention at all because we’re planning our wise rebuttal to whatever he has to say!  Great marriages benefit from carefully considering and respecting the other person’s point of view, not just our own.  Philippians 2:3-4 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.  Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.