I bet you are checking this out because you think I’m talking about your husband’s laziness…but I’m not. I’m actually talking about our own tendency to become lazy in terms of putting effort and intentionality into our marriages.
Laziness is kind of like lighting a really long fuse. You don’t really notice anything for the longest time….that is, until the explosion! Many a wife has been burned, ending up with a husband who seeks attention from other women or who even ends up divorcing her. We can’t afford to be sluggards in our marriages! The Bible has lots to say about sluggards. Proverbs 13:4 says “A sluggard’s appetite is never filled, but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied.” This can be applied to your marriage! Only when you are diligent in investing in your marriage are you likely to have the kind of marriage you desire.
What can you do to strengthen your marriage? Do you need to get a babysitter and go on more dates with your husband? Do you need to find out his love language and start speaking that language more often? Would your marriage be strengthened if you looked for ways to encourage your husband every day and show him respect?
After years of working alongside my late husband Raul to counsel and mentor couples in distress, I noticed a common issue. Even though many of the husbands had greatly disappointed or frustrated their wives, the wives came across as condemning and arrogant. Ouch!
When a wife is perceived as being arrogant and self-righteous, the husband usually avoids her, becomes passive aggressive, and self-medicates his pain through destructive choices such as alcohol, pornography, or even other women.
What if you were to choose to deal with your frustration and disappointment in a different way? What if you were to display humility, kindness and love…even when confronting destructive behavior? One quality that will really endear you to your husband is humility, and it’s Biblical! Philippians 2:3-4 says “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility, consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interest, but the interest of others.”
Catch yourself if you start talking down to your husband or start treating him like he is disgusting or inferior to you. In that moment, ask God to give you His perspective on your husband. Ask God to remind you that you’re not perfect either and that you’re both a work in progress…in the master’s hands.
Have you found yourself really frustrated with your husband because you put a bunch of effort into making a great dinner or tidying up the house and he didn’t voice appreciation? Have you found yourself really bummed out because you took great pains to dress up for date night and your husband didn’t seem to really notice? What gives?
First, it’s important for you to realize that just because he didn’t voice appreciation, doesn’t mean he could care less about what you’ve done! I bet he loved your dinner and I’m sure he liked the way you looked for date night. Here is the possible reason for the disconnect. Men are wired to be providers. God created men to work and take care of creation (Genesis 2:15 says “The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.”) It’s only natural that men are focused on their work. So, when they step through the front door at the end of their workday, their brain is still engaged in work. They are still thinking about their job and what’s coming up tomorrow at work. They may be physically present at home, but their minds are often still back on the job.
So, instead of getting frustrated, tell your husband how much you appreciate his hard work for your family. Be his chief encourager. Then, after he’s had a while to unwind from his day of work, ask him how he liked the dinner or the tidy house. Tell him you put some extra effort into your hair and makeup and ask him if he likes it. I know you feel like you shouldn’t have to prompt him with these questions. You would like your man to notice and voice appreciation without your prompting, but most men simply aren’t wired that way. So simply ask him, and then listen to his response. More than likely, he will say the dinner was good. More than likely, he will say you look great. Accept the compliment! Embrace the compliment, even though it may come with little emotion and, yes, even though he had to be asked. 😊
Tip # 1: If you find yourself disappointed with your husband, ask yourself this question: Is he sinning against me or am I just disappointed with him? If he is actually sinning against you (looking at porn, being abusive, drinking excessively, etc), then consult with God and perhaps a godly mentor to determine if you should lovingly, respectfully, and firmly confront your husband and establish boundaries, using the Biblical model laid out in Matthew 18:15-17.
However, if you’re simply disappointed with your husband because he’s not meeting your expectations, then try these two things:
Tip # 2: Simply and clearly let him know what you desire….because he is not a mind-reader! It’s so funny how we expect our husbands to meet all our needs and desires because “he should just know”. Lol Well, guess what? He doesn’t “just know”. Sometimes, you need to actually tell him what you’re hoping for and what your expectations are. Be specific. Don’t drop hints. Clearly tell him what you need or desire.
Tip # 3: If he still doesn’t fulfill your desires and expectations, take a moment and remind yourself that he can’t be perfect, and he can’t perfectly meet all your needs! Now, if someone were to ask us if we expect our husbands to be perfect, we would answer “of course not!”, and yet, at a subconscious level, most of us DO expect our men to be perfect. We pretty much expect them to be Jesus! It’s time to let them off that hook. After all, God makes it clear in Psalm 53 “there is no one who does good, not even one”.
So, maybe it’s time you stop expecting your man to be perfect in every way. How about, instead, you decide to be thankful for the good things about him? In fact, every time I started to get disappointed with my own husband in years past, I learned to stop and begin to list the things that he was doing right. This is what my new internal dialogue sounded like: “He works hard to provide for me. He doesn’t get drunk or do drugs. He has stopped looking at porn. He reads the Bible every day.Wow! I’m not so disappointed anymore! I’m actually kind of thankful for him!”
I assume every wife wants a marriage that is strong and fulfilling. Certainly, every wife desires a marriage where she feels bonded and emotionally connected with her husband. I would imagine literally every wife wants to feel passionate love toward her husband and sense that he has the same passionate love for her. But here’s what I know. If a wife does not nurture her marriage and be diligent in creating time for bonding, her marriage will likely wither on the vine. The passion and “in love” feeling will slowly fade away and be replaced by more of a roommate mentality. Let this not be so for your marriage!
You will only have a strong and passionate marriage if you are diligent and intentional about setting aside time to connect with your husband. One of the most important ways to connect is in the bedroom! A husband who senses that his wife is eager to make love to him will be drawn to his wife and even intoxicated by his wife! Listen to what the Bible tells husbands in Proverbs 5:18-19 May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.
Ladies, let’s be diligent in carving out time to bring some romance and bonding into our marriages. I know you are a busy woman, but we make time for the things that we think are necessary and important. Your marriage is important!
I have taught women for over 15 years about the Bible instruction for wives to display a respectful attitude toward their husbands (Ephesians 5:33), but apparently, I have had problems over the years perfecting this myself! I still vividly remember an occasion about 10 years ago that underscored the problem. I was in the process of texting back and forth with two different women about a need within the Squadron of Sisters wives’ ministry…when my husband came into the room and stood in front of me for at least a minute. I didn’t look up right away because I just wanted to finish my text and be done with that task. My husband turned around and left the room, obviously a bit irritated. My thought was…”huh? What just happened?”
Later, I asked my husband why he was upset. In a nutshell, it turns out that he felt as if he didn’t matter to me. He felt that other things came before him. He had wanted to talk with me about something important and I didn’t even look up when he stood in front of me. He felt disrespected. Oops.
I spent some quiet, reflective time with God afterward, and I believe he showed me that respecting your husband means treating him with great honor. In fact, the original Greek translation of that word “respect” in Ephesians 5:33 means “to have reverence for” or “to be in awe of”. Wow! Those words seem applicable to how a servant would treat a king! Hmmm. Maybe God wants a wife to treat her husband as if he is as important as a king or prince. What if you tried an experiment this week? Would you be willing to attempt to honor your husband, and pay attention to your husband, as if he were a top official or a prince (without making it too goofy or weird!!). Are you willing to try this “respect experiment”? I can’t wait to hear how husbands will be impacted and how marriages may be changed for the better!
I don’t know if I’m normal or not (hah!), but I find that even though I want to make my relationship with Jesus and his kingdom business my top priority, alas, my attention quickly shifts to my personal comfort and happiness! If you’re a follower of Jesus, you have likely experienced the same struggle.
Of course, the devil is constantly trying to lure us off course. Jesus tells us in John 8 that Satan is the “father of lies”, so we can expect that he’s subtly whispering lies into our minds about what is the most important thing on which to focus at every moment. The Holy Spirit is saying, “Focus on things that matter in eternity”, but Satan is whispering “Focus on what will make you feel good right now. That’s what’s really important.“ Ugh.
How does this all play out in marriage? Well, the devil would love to get us to focus on how our spouse is disappointing to us, and then the devil follows that up with whispers that we need to manipulate our spouse, or control our spouse, or even trade in our spouse for a better model!
The Holy Spirit, on the other hand, is urging us to consider the more important, eternal, components of our relationship with our spouse. Even when your spouse disappoints you, the question God wants us to ask Him is this, “Lord, how do you want me to interact with my husband for his good in eternity?”. That question is such a game-changer! Suddenly, we see the bigger picture. Yes, your husband might have hurt your feelings or sinned against you, but YOU are no longer the center of the world. Now you begin to see that God has given you great responsibility to pivot from self-focus to acting in a way that could potentially impact your spouse’s walk with God into eternity. That’s huge, and this shift in perspective is clearly God’s plan for us when interacting with others! Philippians 2:3-4 “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourself. Each of you should look not only to his own interest, but also to the interest of others.”
As you ask that question of God, and strain to listen for the prompting of the Holy Spirit, you may sense Him calling you to show extravagant and unexpected grace to your husband. Maybe God will prompt you to speak words of identity to your husband and remind him how much God loves him. Conversely, maybe God will prompt you to lovingly establish boundaries with your husband. Maybe God knows this is the time for your husband to feel the weight of discipline that could end up saving his soul.
The point is: Ask God to give you a perspective shift during stressful times in marriage. Every time you’re in an emotionally-charged moment with your husband, train yourself to pause and ask this question, “Lord, how do you want me to interact with my husband for his good in eternity?”
It’s so easy for a married couple to become more like roommates than lovers! Once the excitement of the wedding and honeymoon fade away, the everyday stresses like finances, children, housework, etc. can start to suck that warm and fuzzy feeling right out of your marriage! Well, here are 3 things that will help to rekindle that loving feeling:
1) Start to do the things you used to do when you were dating. In the Bible’s book of Revelation, chapter 2, the church in Ephesus received this rebuke, “Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first. Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first.” That church needed to get back to doing the things that kept them in close fellowship with Christ, and we need to do the same things in our marriage. Did you go to the movies? Did you go out to dinner once a week? Did you go snowboarding in the winter or hiking in the summer? Then, carve out some time to have that kind of fun with your husband now!
2) Kiss your husband with passion (like you used to)! Seriously. Give it a try and see if some sparks start to fly.
3) List at least 7 good things about your husband. Philippians 4:8 says “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.” So, think of as many positive things about your husband as you can. Write them down. Look at that list every day. As you do so, your heart will become warmer toward him.
My question for you today has to do with the way you kiss your husband!! Do you kiss him in a way that communicates to him that he is wanted and desired? If so, you are a wise woman who is breathing life into her marriage. On the other hand, do you kiss your husband reluctantly or in a passionless way? If so, you could be contributing to the slow death of your marriage.
Your husband needs to feel desired by you. He wants to be your sexual hero. Your response to his kisses tells your man a lot. When you press into the kiss with passion, he feels wanted and becomes a more confident man. The bride in the Song of Songs understood this. She made sure her groom knew how much she loved his kisses. In Song of Songs 1:2 she says “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth for your love is more delightful than wine.”
So, this week I challenge you to kiss your husband deeply, as in more than one second!! Press into the kiss with passion. Not only will this be a blessing to him, but I bet you will reap some benefits as well. As he revels in your love, he will likely be more attentive toward you. 🙂 In fact, you might want to intoxicate him with your love, as the Bible mentions in Proverbs 5:18-19. A husband who is intoxicated with his wife does not stray!
When’s the last time you said it? You probably think I’m asking about the last time you told your husband “I love you”, but that’s not where I’m leading. My question is this: When is the last time you admitted to your husband that you were wrong? We like to pretend as if we’re never “wrong”, but that’s not only prideful, it’s not true!
Think about it. Have you been disrespectful toward your husband by rolling your eyes or by using cutting sarcasm? Have you given him the look that basically says “you’re a jerk” or “you disgust me”? Have you been stressed or frustrated about something unrelated to him and lashed out at your husband because he happened to be present? (I’ve done that more than a few times! Ugh.)
If you want to be even more beautiful to your husband, be humble and admit when you are out of line or just plain wrong. You might believe that confessing your wrongs will put you in a weak position in your marriage, but the opposite is true. Proverbs 28:13 says “Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.” Oh, and by the way, instead of simply saying “I’m sorry”, go a step further in humility by saying “I was wrong. Please forgive me.”
The Appreciated Wife 