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Pick your battles wisely!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

You’ve probably heard the saying, “If mom ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” Although the primary message of this saying is that mom’s attitude affects the whole family, I think a secondary message is just as significant.  If a wife conveys to her husband through her constant complaints and criticisms that she’s not happy, her husband begins to feel like a failure and starts to close his heart to her.

Unfortunately, many wives get stuck in this dynamic.  We tend to point out one disappointment after another to our husbands.  We remind him that we notice he forgot to take out the garbage.  We point out that he hasn’t communicated in our love language recently.  We remind him that he hasn’t played with the kids in a while.  In short, we can’t seem to resist pointing out his flaws.  Adding insult to injury, we then get really upset that he seems emotionally withdrawn from us!

Perhaps it’s time to pick our battles more carefully.  Maybe we should let the small stuff slide.  Proverbs 12:16 says, “Fools show their annoyance at once, but the prudent overlook an insult.”  Let’s ask God to help us affirm what our husbands do right, overlook the small imperfections, and only confront our husbands if they are truly sinning against us and/or the children. EVERYBODY in the family will be happier!

Secret struggle of many women

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

We’re fearless at Squadron of Sisters!  We don’t shy away from tackling the big, hairy, sensitive challenges that impact marriages!! (Get your seatbelt fastened for yet another sensitive topic today!)  A few days ago, I wrote about common signs that a husband might have a serious problem with pornography, but the truth is many women also struggle with porn.  This is not just an issue for men.  If you are one of the many Christian women caught up in viewing pornography, there is hope for you to break free of the hold it has on you.

First, you need to know how important it is to break free from porn.  You probably already know that God tells us to flee sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 6:18), but there is a very practical side to this as well.  Just like men unintentionally condition themselves to only respond to masturbation as they view porn, women can have the same problem.  If you use your hand (or other sex toys) to stimulate yourself while viewing porn, you may start conditioning yourself to only respond to masturbation.  In other words, your husband may no longer be able to bring you to orgasm.

Fortunately, there are some great resources to help women who are struggling with a porn habit.  Here are some websites that may help you:

http://www.dirtygirlsministries.com

http://www.walkinginfreedom.net

http://www.porntopurity.com

Suffering from approval exhaustion?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

In a recent prayer time, God gently confronted me. He asked me this simple question. Are you going to be a slave to your to-do-list today, or are you going to focus on bringing me glory? Here is another way of posing the question for both you and me: Are you working tirelessly to bring yourself glory as the “perfect wife’, “perfect mother”, perfect Christian, etc, or are you releasing your day to God and asking him to show you what to do and what NOT to do in order to bring HIM glory?

Oh man! Busted. To be honest, I tend to drive myself to always do more and do it better, because I want to look good in other people’s eyes. I become exhausted and stressed in the process. The good news is that God didn’t design us to be people-pleasers. Yes, we are to love people, but our focus shouldn’t be on doing whatever they want. Our focus also shouldn’t be trying to look good in people’s eyes. The Bible reminds us in Galatians 1:10 “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God?”

I am confident that if you and I were both to release our days to God and ask Him to guide us, we would find much more peace! We would be free of performance-exhaustion. We would find freedom from approval exhaustion. Instead, we would be free to follow God’s promptings, which will lead to greater joy and peace than we’ve ever known. In fact, if you listen for God’s voice, he might even tell you to take a nap or relax while listening to praise music! God’s Word promises that those who seek to follow Him (instead of following their own agenda) will enter peace! (Isaiah 57:2 says, “For the righteous man is taken away from calamity; he enters into peace.” And Isaiah 26:3 reminds us, “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.”

Don’t share your girlfriends!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

At the risk of you thinking I’m totally looney, may I suggest that you talk with your husband about clear boundaries regarding your female friends? In other words, he should not be a close “friend” of any of your own girlfriends! I know this might seem old-fashioned or even ridiculous, but many affairs start out with a husband “just talking” with another woman. We need to be careful and alert to the schemes of the enemy!


1 Peter 5:8 says “Be alert and of sober-mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” So, be alert to the enemy’s scheme to get your husband emotionally entangled with one of your friends. He should not spend time with her without you. He should not even be spending time on the phone with her giving advice or listening to her woes. Without him intending to do so, he will slowly find himself developing an emotional bond with your friend, and she will start bonding with him. Danger lies ahead!

How to prevent a nasty fight!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I’m on a journey of learning how to do relationships in a healthier, God-directed way! I don’t know about you, but, in the past, when I got really disappointed in my husband or anybody, I tended to go in one of two unhealthy directions. 1) I avoided the potential conflict entirely by clamming up, putting up an ice shield, and then spiraling down into toxic resentment or 2) I let my tongue run wild and blasted the person with both barrels! Neither one of these options yielded good results.


God’s way is so much different and better! He says in Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare. Gentle words. Gentle words. Gentle words. I need to remind myself of this! God is saying that we can avoid a nasty argument if we speak gently and kindly and maybe even assume the best about the other person instead of giving full vent to our anger.


I vividly remember when I put this into practice several years ago. My late husband was really stressed as we were on a long-distance drive. I was attempting to help with googling a gas station, but my phone ran out of data. Ugh. Then he started getting really sharp with me in his tone. I mean…REALLY sharp. I felt disrespected. And oh boy, I decided that I didn’t deserve that tone and that I was going to tell him what a jerk he was. Yeah, pastor’s wives don’t always have gracious thoughts, apparently. Sigh.


Anyway, somehow God got my attention before I blasted him and God reminded me of Proverbs 15:1. So, I bit my tongue until we got all the way home, and as my husband was about to exit the car, I turned to him, laid a hand softly on his arm and said gently, “I know you love me and you would never intend to hurt me, but the way you talked to me back there was not okay. Please don’t talk to me like that again.” And that was that. No big blow-up. He didn’t feel condemned because I affirmed that I know he loves me. With God’s prompting, I was able to defuse the nasty argument before it could start. Gentle words. Gentle words. Gentle words. Let’s all remember that!

7 words when others hurt you

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment


We’re all going to be hurt by others during the course of our lives, sometimes over and over again! The question is not “How do I avoid being hurt by others” because you can’t control other people. The real question to ask is, “How can I heal and move on with hope, peace and joy?” Over many years of helping women, and after recovering from numerous heartbreaking offenses myself, I’ve come to realize that seven words are key.
The first 3 words are: That was wrong. You need to be able to tell your story to a compassionate listener who then validates the wound by saying those precious words, “That was wrong”. Something very healing happens the moment someone else listens to your story, shows empathy for the pain you suffered, and then validates that the person who wounded you was wrong to do so. This is Biblical. 1 Peter 3:8 “Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.” You need to hear those words, “That was wrong.” So, ask God to lead you to that person who can be a compassionate listener to your story.
However, after you’ve told your story to that compassionate listener, and after a short time of grieving your pain with the Lord, you then need to move on to the other 4 words: Pivot from your pain. Far too many people get stuck in their pain and subconsciously develop a victim identity. This is NOT God’s plan for you! God doesn’t intend for you to be sidelined with grief, mired down in hopelessness, or burdened with a victim mindset. He actually instructs you to forget the past and turn forward with hopeful anticipation! Isaiah 43:18 “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. 19 See, I am doing a new thing!”
So, after receiving empathy from that compassionate listener, stubbornly pivot from the pain and look forward. Ask God to show you the purposes He has for you this day, purposes that will bring you joy and peace. God has good plans for you! Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Beware of this mistake in marriage

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

There is a particularly vicious cycle that can start in a relationship. It’s super common but also super subtle. Trust me. You don’t want to enter this cycle. The cycle goes like this:

My husband does something wrong, so I feel completely justified in my critical and disrespectful response. Or my husband does something that really annoys me, so I feel totally justified doing that certain thing that I know really annoys him. In both cases, of course he responds with his own counter move, and the vicious cycle has begun. We give into the subtle, destructive temptation to “hurt him just like he hurt me”. We feel justified in our reactions, but we’ve just escalated the war. Unfortunately, in this war, there are no winners…just losers.

I know! Here’s an idea! (yes, you noted some sarcasm there). How about if we decide not to play the justification game anymore? How about if you, as your husband’s helper, decide to respond to your husband with grace, love and respect, even when he annoys you? How about if you choose to stop trying to punish him every time he upsets you? Romans 12:18-19 directs us to live this way…”If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord”.

Now, don’t get me wrong. This doesn’t mean you should keep totally quiet all the time and tolerate abusive or harmful behavior. You may need to establish boundaries on sinful behavior. However, even if you’re confronting your husband or establishing boundaries, you can do so with love, compassion, respect, and gentleness!

Key strategy during marital conflict

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Conflict and disagreement is inevitable in marriage. However, conflict need not lead to the formation of two enemy camps! Here’s something that can greatly change the dynamics during conflict and actually move you closer to resolution. Pause and ask God to help you see the situation through your husband’s eyes. Ask the Lord to show you what is truly prompting your husband to say what he’s saying or do what he’s doing. Is he stressed? Is he discouraged? Is he still affected by emotional wounds from his childhood? Does he simply have a different idea on how something should be done, and could his idea actually make sense?

When we intentionally pause and try to consider the vantage point of our husbands, we begin to have compassion, or at least an understanding of why he is thinking or acting the way he is. Instead of only focusing on our desires, Philippians 2:4 instructs us, “Look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” When you truly stop and try to look at the situation from his perspective, you may see some actual merit to your husband’s point of view! You might also start to realize how your husband’s past hurts in life (or current fears) are playing a role in his actions or reactions.

When we ask Jesus to help us see the situation through our husband’s eyes, we start to soften and feel compassion. As we have compassion and understanding, it will be much easier to compromise or find a resolution. Try it!

** or view this topic as a 2 minute VIDEO BELOW

Do this during disagreements

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

It’s vital for you and your spouse to come into agreement on the major issues within your marriage, such as finances, parenting, time spent on recreation, frequency of sex, etc. You must come into agreement because division in a marriage often leads to the eventual collapse of that marriage. God’s word even states this. In Matthew 12:25, Jesus says “Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand.”

So, what should you do if you and your spouse are consistently divided in a specific area? Don’t just throw your hands up in the air and give up! Decide to respectfully, but thoroughly, discuss the issue with your husband. Ask God for the right timing and ask God to prepare your heart and your husband’s heart for the conversation ahead. The goal is to reach a compromise that you can both support. And, if you can’t reach such a compromise on your own, then seek help from a pastor, counselor, or mentor couple. Do whatever you need to do to come into agreement with your husband on this issue. It will bring peace to you, your marriage, and your household!

P.S. If the disagreement stems from your husband wanting to do something immoral, then compromise isn’t the right option! In that case, you will likely want to see help from a counselor or pastor, and you may have to establish boundaries in the relationship.

Overcoming fear of confrontation

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I have seen so many women wither and die emotionally in their marriages because their husband is engaged in disrespectful or sinful behavior and the wife gives up too easily in terms of confrontation. (I should know because I was one of those women in my first marriage!) So why would a wife give up? I believe it boils down to one main fear.

The wife fears that if she continues to confront the issue, or heaven forbid, draws a serious boundary, her husband may decide to leave her…and in her mind, she will lose what’s supposed to make her happy and secure. But this is faulty thinking! Your husband is not a reliable source of happiness. God is the only one we can depend on for unconditional love, compassion, and security. If your husband were to leave after you draw a line in the sand, I believe God is big enough to take care of you financially. I know He is. Do you trust Him? Do you believe what He says in Hebrews 13:5 “I will never leave you, nor forsake you”?

Trust in the One who will never leave your side. Trust in the One who can provide innovative ways to take care of your financial needs. Trust in the One who can bring supportive people into your life to stand by you as you draw boundaries. That One is Jesus.