resentment

Letting go is a must in marriage

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I wonder how many marriages have been destroyed because one or both spouses refused to let go of an old offense, disappointment or sin of their mate?  It’s likely that the vast majority of divorces resulted from toxic resentment, stemming from the inability to let go of old offenses!

I know it’s so tempting to dwell on your husband’s failures or past sins against you, but if you allow yourself to do that, your heart will become consumed with resentment.  And I think we all know that resentment usually becomes poisonous to both you and the relationship.  Hebrews 12:15 puts it this way “Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many”.

Also, when you keep bringing up that old sin, betrayal, disappointment or offense to your husband, you will slowly crush his spirit, and he will likely pull away from any further close connection with you.  That’s not exactly helpful to you, him or the relationship!

Now if your husband is CURRENTLY engaged in a betrayal or pattern of sin against you, you should seek wise counsel as you will likely need to confront the issue and establish firm boundaries.

However, if your husband is no longer engaged in a pattern of sin or betrayal, and if he shows some signs of repentance, you MUST choose to forgive him and leave the past in the past.  It is not helpful to keep wanting to talk to him about it.  It’s not helpful for you to keep bringing it up and throwing it in his face when you are disappointed or annoyed with him.  Let it go. 

Forgive as God forgave you.  Does God keep on bringing up your past sin and throwing it in your face?  No, he doesn’t.  Does God keep discussing your past failures with you, going over all the details of your past sin?  No, he doesn’t. He chooses to forgive completely.  Let us do likewise.

** or view this topic as a 3 minute VIDEO BELOW

2 big pitfalls when looking back

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

There are a lot of dangers for a wife who gives into the temptation to look backward. Allow me to reveal two specific ways in which we tend to look backward, as well as the resulting danger.


1) Since almost the beginning of creation, we’ve had a tendency to want to look back at our past. I think of Lot’s wife who looked back at Sodom and Gomorrah and suffered for that decision by being turned into a pillar of salt! God may have asked us to move forward in serving him, or perhaps we’ve entered a new relationship, but we tend to look back with longing at how things used to be. In modern day, many wives are tempted to “look back” at their old high school boyfriend by checking them out on Facebook. But that is dangerous. It opens the door to make a connection that can slowly develop into something that pulls you away from your husband.


2) As wives, we also tend to “look back” at the past failures or sins of our husbands. We often replay the hurtful incident over and over again, even 10 or 20 years later! That always ends badly. Resentment rises up again and causes continuing damage in the relationship. We need to have a forward gaze. Philippians 3:13-14 says, ” Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Deal with any sinful behavior going on today, but let’s decide to leave the past in the past.

7 words when others hurt you

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment


We’re all going to be hurt by others during the course of our lives, sometimes over and over again! The question is not “How do I avoid being hurt by others” because you can’t control other people. The real question to ask is, “How can I heal and move on with hope, peace and joy?” Over many years of helping women, and after recovering from numerous heartbreaking offenses myself, I’ve come to realize that seven words are key.
The first 3 words are: That was wrong. You need to be able to tell your story to a compassionate listener who then validates the wound by saying those precious words, “That was wrong”. Something very healing happens the moment someone else listens to your story, shows empathy for the pain you suffered, and then validates that the person who wounded you was wrong to do so. This is Biblical. 1 Peter 3:8 “Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.” You need to hear those words, “That was wrong.” So, ask God to lead you to that person who can be a compassionate listener to your story.
However, after you’ve told your story to that compassionate listener, and after a short time of grieving your pain with the Lord, you then need to move on to the other 4 words: Pivot from your pain. Far too many people get stuck in their pain and subconsciously develop a victim identity. This is NOT God’s plan for you! God doesn’t intend for you to be sidelined with grief, mired down in hopelessness, or burdened with a victim mindset. He actually instructs you to forget the past and turn forward with hopeful anticipation! Isaiah 43:18 “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. 19 See, I am doing a new thing!”
So, after receiving empathy from that compassionate listener, stubbornly pivot from the pain and look forward. Ask God to show you the purposes He has for you this day, purposes that will bring you joy and peace. God has good plans for you! Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.