husband

3 ways to stop negativity in marriage

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

After many years of listening to couples in distress, I’ve learned something really interesting.  There often seems to be a tendency for one or both spouses to make negative assumptions about the motivations of their mate or to jump to the most negative conclusions during communication!

I believe both these tendencies are instigated by the devil who would like nothing more than to get you to think negative, unflattering thoughts about your husband.  The devil WANTS you to jump to the most negative conclusions about your husband. The devil WANTS you to misunderstand what your husband is saying so that you will be hurt, frustrated and anxious. 

The first step in fighting against this tendency is to realize what the enemy is up to!  We must be alert to his tactics.  1 Peter 5:8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.  Applying this verse in our marital communication means that we continually check ourselves to see if we’ve started jumping to negative conclusions and assigning negative motives to our spouse.

Secondly, if we notice that we are reaching a negative assumption during communication, we ask for clarification from our spouse!  We don’t just start internally grumbling inside about what a jerk our husband is.  We don’t verbally attack them for being a horrible person. We actually pause and ask them to clarify what they meant when they said ___________.  Sometimes it’s not even the words that were said but the facial expression or tone of voice.  Again, ask for clarification.  You might say something like, “When you said that, I felt like you were letting me know that I’m not a good mother.  Is that what you meant to say?”

Thirdly, we must start training our minds to assume the most gracious motivations of our spouse instead of the worst!  It’s so easy to jump to negative motivations though, isn’t it?  Your husband forgets to do a task you asked him to do, and you mumble “He doesn’t care about anyone but himself”.  Your husband struggles with pornography, and you mumble “He’s a disgusting person who would instantly stop looking at porn if he really loved me”.  However, both these events could be framed in our minds completely differently!  When he forgot to do the task, you could say to yourself “I know he didn’t intend to forget. I bet he got busy.”  When you caught him looking at porn, you could say to yourself “I know he doesn’t intend to hurt me. He probably has an actual addiction and needs help.”

Let’s be proactive in examining our thoughts ladies!  2 Corinthians 10:5 take every thought captive to obey Christ

Relaunch your marriage!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Some of you have had a rough couple of months or couple of years in your marriage.  You may have a mountain-size load of resentment toward your husband.  Perhaps your husband also holds a gigantic amount of resentment toward you.  If this is you….if you find yourself in the pit of despair regarding your marriage, I want to encourage you to blow up that marriage.  Yep.  You heard me right.  Blow up your marriage in order to start fresh and build a better one, with the same husband!

Sometimes, we just need to start over when something in our lives has gone terribly wrong.  However, our first impulse is to throw out the whole thing; to discard the thing that has brought heartache and disappointment.  But that doesn’t give God any room to work, and that attitude basically lets both your husband and you off the hook in terms of making any changes in how you do relationships.   If you toss out your existing marriage, you’ll just bring the same dysfunctional patterns into your next relationship.

So, how about completely resetting your marriage?  Listen to what God says in Isaiah 43:18-19 “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland”.  What if you were to apply those words to your marriage?  The devil wants to keep you focused on past hurts.  That way you will be forever stuck.  Don’t fall for his evil plot against you!  Starting today, stop dwelling on the past, sit down with your husband and ask him if he would be willing to start afresh, with BOTH of you putting actual daily effort into blessing the other, serving the other, speaking the other’s love language, and showing care for the other.  This attitude shift can accomplish absolutely amazing things!

Being taken for granted

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I’ve noticed something, both in my marriage to my late husband Raul and my current husband Mark.  I tend to take their small kindnesses and hard work for granted!  I don’t mean to do that.  I don’t intentionally do that, but God has made me aware that I do indeed take my husband for granted instead of noticing and appreciating the little and big things he does.

For instance, for about 10 years, starting on our wedding night, my late husband Raul massaged my feet every single night right before I went to sleep.  I started to take that kindness for granted.  In fact, I remember asking him perhaps 2 or 3 years after we were married, “Why do you like massaging my feet?”  His answer was so interesting.  He said, “I don’t like to do it.  I do it to show my love for you.”  Oh!!  In my pea brain, I thought he did it because he wanted to.  But he did it because he was sacrificing his own interests to be a blessing to me!

Fast forward to my current husband Mark.  He often leaves me little love notes tucked under my computer or in a kitchen drawer or under my jewelry box.  Does he take the time to do that because he likes to do that?  I don’t think so.  He does those little things because he knows I enjoy romance. 

My point is this.  We often take for granted those little, kind acts and even the big things our husbands do.  We don’t stop to think that maybe they are sacrificing what they want to do to do things that make us happy or display love to us.  When your husband works hard for the family, stop taking that for granted!  When he brings you a cup of coffee, don’t take that for granted. No one likes to be taken for granted.  Instead, notice what your husband does for you and be thankful!  Gratitude is nourishing for your marriage, but it also pleases God.  1 Thessalonians 5:18 Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

** or view this topic as a 3 minute VIDEO BELOW

Does your man have dry bones?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Several years ago, I asked my late husband Raul what one thing most husbands really wish their wife would understand.  Here is what he said.  Most men long for their wife to notice something good about them and to tell them what they see!  It could be a positive character quality he displays.  It could be the fact that he works hard to provide for the family.  It could be a talent he has.  It could be the way you notice him submitting himself to God.

According to Raul, men desperately need this validation because most men feel like a failure much of the time.  In fact, my late husband described men as being a bit like dry bones in a desert, in desperate need of water.  Your words can provide water for those dry bones and breathe life back into your man!  Proverbs 16:24 puts it this way, “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”

Will you commit to finding something to affirm about your husband every day for the next 7 days?  Will you commit to actually telling him about the good you see?  He will soak up those words like a sponge, and it will bring life back into the dry bones of his spirit.

Beware of this marriage destroyer

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

From both personal experience and counseling wives in crisis, I can say with certainty that allowing resentment to go unchecked spells doom for a marriage!  Think about it.  If you are really upset with your husband about something, or really frustrated with him, or hurt by his behavior…do you respectfully discuss your feelings and concerns with him?  Do you courageously deal with the issue, or do you tend to stuff it under the rug, hoping things will just magically get better?

If you’re a conflict avoider, it’s so very easy to stuff instead of confront!  It FEELS safer and more peaceful to just hope that your husband changes his behavior.  That way you won’t have any tense moments and you won’t get in a “fight”.  Unfortunately, if you say nothing, nothing is likely to actually change.  Sometimes a husband doesn’t even know what his wife is upset about!  And here’s the real problem.  If you don’t address your resentment, it will grow bigger and bigger and bigger until you are likely to explode months or years down the line.  That resentment will have turned your heart cold and hard toward your husband, and you may end up saying those fateful words “I’m done”.  Don’t let it get this far!

Your husband needs you to calmly and respectfully explain why you are upset and what you are asking him to change.  He may disagree, but then you guys can talk about it.  Talk it through.  Ask the Holy Spirit to give you courage and the timing and the right words to bring up the concern with your husband…soon.  Seek a counselor’s help if you need to.  Just make sure you don’t let your resentment go unaddressed.  As Hebrews 12:15 say, “See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”   Don’t let a bitter root start growing that ends up causing big trouble!

Courage to set boundaries

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Have you ever caved in when you should have set boundaries in a relationship because of the “what if” questions?  What if he leaves me?  What if he leaves me and I won’t be able to take care of myself?  What if he gets really upset if I confront him?  What if….?

When you find yourself paralyzed with fear because of the “what if” questions, it usually means one of three things.  Either you don’t really trust God when he says in Hebrews 13:5 that he will “never leave you nor forsake you”.  Or it means you have allowed the spirit of fear to dominate your thoughts.  Or it could mean that you have become your own worst enemy and convinced yourself you’ll never be able to set boundaries and stick to them.  In other words, you’ve pummeled yourself with negative self-talk!

You CAN overcome these paralyzing fears.  How about choosing to trust God’s promise to never leave your side (Hebrews 13:5)?  Maybe it’s time to command the spirit of fear to leave you, in the name of Jesus (2 Timothy 1:7).  Perhaps you need to stop telling yourself that you’ll fall to pieces if you respectfully draw a firm boundary. Coach your soul just like King David did throughout the Psalms.  Tell yourself you will not crumble.  Remind yourself you will not fall apart.  Philippians 4:13 says “I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.”  With Jesus by your side, you have all you need.  You’re not doing this alone!

One super attractive quality

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I was talking with several women recently, and we came to the realization that one of the most attractive qualities in a person is…humility.  I’m not talking about a woman who is a doormat or a woman who is timid as a mouse.  I’m talking about the quality of being more focused on how to bless others than spending time subtly drawing attention to yourself and your achievements.  I’m talking about the woman who is able to admit mistakes or shortcomings and work to improve in holiness and righteousness.  I’m talking about the woman who deflects all praise given her, and instead, directs praise to the One who is the source of any of her abilities and talents.  That kind of woman is super attractive as a friend.  That kind of woman is also super attractive to her husband!

No husband wants a self-righteous wife who subtly communicates that she is better than him.  No husband wants a wife who can’t admit mistakes and genuinely apologize.  No husband wants a wife who constantly highlights her own achievements but rarely says anything encouraging to him.  No husband wants a wife who is focused on her own desires but treats his desires as insignificant. This begs the question.  What kind of wife are you?

Consider this super instructive Bible instruction in Philippians 2:3-4 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.  And also meditate on 1 Peter 5:5 All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”

Humility.  It’s a super attractive quality.  I have begun praying every morning for God to give me a spirit of humility for that day.  Should you do the same?

**or view this topic as a 3 minute VIDEO BELOW

Do this before giving hubby advice

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

A wife’s words are so impactful!  I have written devotionals in the past about the power of pausing during a heated conversation with our men so that we refrain from responding with words that are harsh or mean….something we’ll likely regret later.  Well, there’s also another reason to pause.  As women, we need to pause before we offer casual bits of advice or “wisdom” to our husbands.

I don’t think we realize how our guys are greatly influenced by us!   We might think they aren’t really paying that much attention to a casual suggestion we toss out, but often they are.  In fact, many husbands in the Bible were greatly influenced by something their wives said, and the wives rarely had good advice!  I think especially of Sarah telling Abraham to sleep with her servant in order for him to have a son, since she was getting impatient waiting for God to fulfill his promise to give her children! Read the story in Genesis 16:1-4 and you will find out Sarah’s decision didn’t turn out so well!

So, let’s think twice before we offer a morsel of our brilliant counsel during a conversation with our men.  I remember so clearly a time I did that several years ago with my husband and he immediately acted upon it.  I hadn’t really even thought it through, let alone prayed about it. It wasn’t actually a good suggestion that I tossed out at him carelessly!  Thankfully, there was no harm done, but it got me to thinking about the need to really pause and pray about any suggestions or counsel I decide to pass on to my husband.  How about you?

Love language mistakes

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Many of you are probably familiar with the 5 love languages as explained by Christian counselor and author Gary Chapman, but I’m pretty sure that many of us are making some mistakes when trying to use the “love languages”.

Before I go any further, let me explain the theory of the love languages and give a brief description of each one.  The idea is that every person has one or two prominent ways that they receive the message they are loved by the other person in the relationship.  Also, if the other person fails to communicate in your dominant “love language”, you may feel unloved. The 5 love languages are:  word of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, physical touch, and gifts.

Here’s where a lot of us make a mistake.  We tend to try to communicate love to the other person in the love language that we prefer….the particular way that makes us feel loved….even though that may not be the other person’s love language at all!  It’s a natural tendency to want to give love in the way that seems meaningful to you.  However, it may not mean much of anything to that other person if that’s not their primary love language!   The Bible tells us in Romans 12:10 Be devoted to one another in love.  But that doesn’t mean devote yourself to showing love in the way YOU want to receive it!

I had that light bolt realization the other day.  I was feeling kind of frustrated because my attempts to show love to my husband seemed to fall flat, to go unnoticed, and to be totally unappreciated.  What?  Then I stepped back and realized I was trying to show love in my love language, not his!  Duh!  I also realized that I was expending a lot of energy trying to communicate love in a way that really wasn’t important to him.  Have you been doing the same thing?  Maybe it’s time to talk with the other person about which love language is most meaningful to him and then start actually speaking that particular love language instead of your own!  It will save you time, energy, and frustration, and it will bring the message of love to him!

How to soften husband’s heart

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

You want to know a sure-fire way to soften your husband’s heart toward you?  Be humble and quick to apologize when you have been disrespectful toward him!  I say “when” instead of “if” you are disrespectful because ALL wives gravitate toward being disrespectful from time to time!  Much of the time, we don’t even recognize that we’re being disrespectful. 

Let me give some examples.  You roll your eyes when he forgets to do something.  You sigh dramatically and shake your head about his “cluelessness” when he doesn’t meet your expectations.  You ask his opinion about something but then point out the flaws in his thinking.  You might even be disrespectful by giving him the silent treatment when he fails to eagerly pitch in to help with the household chores. 

When a wife acts disrespectfully toward her husband, he often hardens his heart toward her as a means of self-protection.  So, if you would like to soften your husband’s heart toward you, ask God to help you catch yourself the minute you say or do something that communicates disrespect.  Then, be quick to sincerely and humbly apologize.  A powerful apology contains these words:  “I was wrong to ….” and “please forgive me”.  Your humility will go a long way in softening your man’s heart.  Humility is a virtue we need to intentionally put on every morning.  Colossians 3:12 puts it this way, “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.“