husband

If he doesn’t notice your efforts

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Have you found yourself really frustrated with your husband because you put a bunch of effort into making a great dinner or tidying up the house and he didn’t voice appreciation?  Have you found yourself really bummed out because you took great pains to dress up for date night and your husband didn’t seem to really notice?  What gives?

First, it’s important for you to realize that just because he didn’t voice appreciation, doesn’t mean he could care less about what you’ve done!  I bet he loved your dinner and I’m sure he liked the way you looked for date night.  Here is the possible reason for the disconnect.  Men are wired to be providers.  God created men to work and take care of creation (Genesis 2:15 says “The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.”)  It’s only natural that men are focused on their work.  So, when they step through the front door at the end of their workday, their brain is still engaged in work.  They are still thinking about their job and what’s coming up tomorrow at work.  They may be physically present at home, but their minds are often still back on the job. 

So, instead of getting frustrated, tell your husband how much you appreciate his hard work for your family.  Be his chief encourager.  Then, after he’s had a while to unwind from his day of work, ask him how he liked the dinner or the tidy house.  Tell him you put some extra effort into your hair and makeup and ask him if he likes it.  I know you feel like you shouldn’t have to prompt him with these questions.  You would like your man to notice and voice appreciation without your prompting, but most men simply aren’t wired that way.  So simply ask him, and then listen to his response. More than likely, he will say the dinner was good.  More than likely, he will say you look great.  Accept the compliment!  Embrace the compliment, even though it may come with little emotion and, yes, even though he had to be asked. šŸ˜Š

3 tips for the disappointed wife

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Tip # 1:  If you find yourself disappointed with your husband, ask yourself this question:  Is he sinning against me or am I just disappointed with him?  If he is actually sinning against you (looking at porn, being abusive, drinking excessively, etc), then consult with God and perhaps a godly mentor to determine if you should lovingly, respectfully, and firmly confront your husband and establish boundaries, using the Biblical model laid out in Matthew 18:15-17. 

However, if you’re simply disappointed with your husband because heā€™s not meeting your expectations, then try these two things: 

Tip # 2:  Simply and clearly let him know what you desireā€¦.because he is not a mind-reader!  Itā€™s so funny how we expect our husbands to meet all our needs and desires because ā€œhe should just knowā€.  Lol  Well, guess what?  He doesnā€™t ā€œjust knowā€.  Sometimes, you need to actually tell him what youā€™re hoping for and what your expectations are.  Be specific. Donā€™t drop hints. Clearly tell him what you need or desire.

Tip # 3:  If he still doesn’t fulfill your desires and expectations, take a moment and remind yourself that he canā€™t be perfect, and he can’t perfectly meet all your needs!  Now, if someone were to ask us if we expect our husbands to be perfect, we would answer “of course not!”, and yet, at a subconscious level, most of us DO expect our men to be perfect. We pretty much expect them to be Jesus!  It’s time to let them off that hook.  After all, God makes it clear in Psalm 53 “there is no one who does good, not even one”. 

So, maybe it’s time you stop expecting your man to be perfect in every way. How about, instead, you decide to be thankful for the good things about him?  In fact, every time I started to get disappointed with my own husband in years past, I learned to stop and begin to list the things that he was doing right.  This is what my new internal dialogue sounded like:  ā€œHe works hard to provide for me.  He doesnā€™t get drunk or do drugs. He has stopped looking at porn.  He reads the Bible every day. Wow!  Iā€™m not so disappointed anymore! Iā€™m actually kind of thankful for him!ā€

No longer just roommates!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I assume every wife wants a marriage that is strong and fulfilling.  Certainly, every wife desires a marriage where she feels bonded and emotionally connected with her husband.  I would imagine literally every wife wants to feel passionate love toward her husband and sense that he has the same passionate love for her.  But hereā€™s what I know.  If a wife does not nurture her marriage and be diligent in creating time for bonding, her marriage will likely wither on the vine.  The passion and ā€œin loveā€ feeling will slowly fade away and be replaced by more of a roommate mentality.  Let this not be so for your marriage!

You will only have a strong and passionate marriage if you are diligent and intentional about setting aside time to connect with your husband.  One of the most important ways to connect is in the bedroom!  A husband who senses that his wife is eager to make love to him will be drawn to his wife and even intoxicated by his wife!  Listen to what the Bible tells husbands in Proverbs 5:18-19  May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.  A loving doe, a graceful deerā€” may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.

Ladies, letā€™s be diligent in carving out time to bring some romance and bonding into our marriages.  I know you are a busy woman, but we make time for the things that we think are necessary and important.  Your marriage is important! 

Wives: Try the respect experiment!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I have taught women for over 15 years about the Bible instruction for wives to display a respectful attitude toward their husbands (Ephesians 5:33), but apparently, I have had problems over the years perfecting this myself!  I still vividly remember an occasion about 10 years ago that underscored the problem.  I was in the process of texting back and forth with two different women about a need within the Squadron of Sisters wives’ ministry…when my husband came into the room and stood in front of me for at least a minute.  I didn’t look up right away because I just wanted to finish my text and be done with that task.  My husband turned around and left the room, obviously a bit irritated.  My thought was…”huh? What just happened?”

Later, I asked my husband why he was upset.  In a nutshell, it turns out that he felt as if he didn’t matter to me.  He felt that other things came before him.  He had wanted to talk with me about something important and I didn’t even look up when he stood in front of me.  He felt disrespected.  Oops. 

I spent some quiet, reflective time with God afterward, and I believe he showed me that respecting your husband means treating him with great honor.  In fact, the original Greek translation of that word “respect” in Ephesians 5:33 means “to have reverence for” or “to be in awe of”.   Wow!  Those words seem applicable to how a servant would treat a king!  Hmmm.  Maybe God wants a wife to treat her husband as if he is as important as a king or prince.  What if you tried an experiment this week?  Would you be willing to attempt to honor your husband, and pay attention to your husband, as if he were a top official or a prince (without making it too goofy or weird!!).  Are you willing to try this “respect experiment”?  I can’t wait to hear how husbands will be impacted and how marriages may be changed for the better!

Wives: Ask this question often

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I donā€™t know if Iā€™m normal or not (hah!), but I find that even though I want to make my relationship with Jesus and his kingdom business my top priority, alas, my attention quickly shifts to my personal comfort and happiness!  If youā€™re a follower of Jesus, you have likely experienced the same struggle.

Of course, the devil is constantly trying to lure us off course.  Jesus tells us in John 8 that Satan is the ā€œfather of liesā€, so we can expect that heā€™s subtly whispering lies into our minds about what is the most important thing on which to focus at every moment.  The Holy Spirit is saying, ā€œFocus on things that matter in eternityā€, but Satan is whispering ā€œFocus on what will make you feel good right now. Thatā€™s whatā€™s really important.ā€œ  Ugh.

How does this all play out in marriage?  Well, the devil would love to get us to focus on how our spouse is disappointing to us, and then the devil follows that up with whispers that we need to manipulate our spouse, or control our spouse, or even trade in our spouse for a better model!

The Holy Spirit, on the other hand, is urging us to consider the more important, eternal, components of our relationship with our spouse.  Even when your spouse disappoints you, the question God wants us to ask Him is this, ā€œLord, how do you want me to interact with my husband for his good in eternity?ā€.  That question is such a game-changer!  Suddenly, we see the bigger picture.  Yes, your husband might have hurt your feelings or sinned against you, but YOU are no longer the center of the world.  Now you begin to see that God has given you great responsibility to pivot from self-focus to acting in a way that could potentially impact your spouseā€™s walk with God into eternity.  Thatā€™s huge, and this shift in perspective is clearly Godā€™s plan for us when interacting with others!  Philippians 2:3-4 ā€œDo nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourself.  Each of you should look not only to his own interest, but also to the interest of others.ā€

As you ask that question of God, and strain to listen for the prompting of the Holy Spirit, you may sense Him calling you to show extravagant and unexpected grace to your husband.  Maybe God will prompt you to speak words of identity to your husband and remind him how much God loves him.  Conversely, maybe God will prompt you to lovingly establish boundaries with your husband.  Maybe God knows this is the time for your husband to feel the weight of discipline that could end up saving his soul.

The point is:  Ask God to give you a perspective shift during stressful times in marriage.  Every time youā€™re in an emotionally-charged moment with your husband, train yourself to pause and ask this question, ā€œLord, how do you want me to interact with my husband for his good in eternity?ā€

3 ways to fall back in love!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

It’s so easy for a married couple to become more like roommates than lovers!  Once the excitement of the wedding and honeymoon fade away, the everyday stresses like finances, children, housework, etc. can start to suck that warm and fuzzy feeling right out of your marriage!  Well, here are 3 things that will help to rekindle that loving feeling:

1)  Start to do the things you used to do when you were dating.  In the Bible’s book of Revelation, chapter 2, the church in Ephesus received this rebuke, “Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first. Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first.”   That church needed to get back to doing the things that kept them in close fellowship with Christ, and we need to do the same things in our marriage.  Did you go to the movies?  Did you go out to dinner once a week? Did you go snowboarding in the winter or hiking in the summer?  Then, carve out some time to have that kind of fun with your husband now! 

2)  Kiss your husband with passion (like you used to)!  Seriously.  Give it a try and see if some sparks start to fly.

3)  List at least 7 good things about your husband.  Philippians 4:8 says “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.”     So, think of as many positive things about your husband as you can.  Write them down.  Look at that list every day.  As you do so, your heart will become warmer toward him.

Are you intoxicating to your hubby?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

My question for you today has to do with the way you kiss your husband!!  Do you kiss him in a way that communicates to him that he is wanted and desired?  If so, you are a wise woman who is breathing life into her marriage.  On the other hand, do you kiss your husband reluctantly or in a passionless way?  If so, you could be contributing to the slow death of your marriage.

Your husband needs to feel desired by you.  He wants to be your sexual hero.  Your response to his kisses tells your man a lot.  When you press into the kiss with passion, he feels wanted and becomes a more confident man.  The bride in the Song of Songs understood this.  She made sure her groom knew how much she loved his kisses.  In Song of Songs 1:2 she says “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth for your love is more delightful than wine.”

So, this week I challenge you to kiss your husband deeply, as in more than one second!!  Press into the kiss with passion.  Not only will this be a blessing to him, but I bet you will reap some benefits as well.  As he revels in your love, he will likely be more attentive toward you. šŸ™‚   In fact, you might want to intoxicate him with your love, as the Bible mentions in Proverbs 5:18-19.  A husband who is intoxicated with his wife does not stray!

Forgiving relatives who hurt you

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Wounds received by a person in close relationship with you are especially damaging.  Whether itā€™s your mom, your husband, your sister or your grandpaā€¦.when a loved one says something or does something hurtful, the wound cuts exceptionally deep.  After all, you were supposed to be able to trust that relative to love you!  As a result, weā€™re often stunned when their behavior cuts like a knife instead.

As a believer, we know weā€™re instructed by God to forgive those who sin against us, but thatā€™s quite a heavy-lift when the person who sinned against us was supposed to be a person we could totally trust.  So, how do we forgive a relative who has sinned against us?  Here are 4 quick insights from the Bible.

  1. Itā€™s essential that you remind yourself that both you and that relative are sinners and you both are in need of mercy and grace!Ā  Sometimes, we conveniently forget that we have also let people down or sinned against people in the past.Ā  Once you remind yourself that you too are a sinner, itā€™s much easier to forgive that other person, because they kind of resemble you!Ā  Colossians 3:13 says ā€œBear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.ā€
  2. Pray for God to give you a compassionate heart and unconditional love for that relative, because thatā€™s how God treats you and I, even though we are sinners.Ā  Psalm 103:8 ā€œThe Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in love.ā€
  3. Make the decision to release that relative from your desire to punish them or seek revenge for what they did to you. Ā Ā This is what God instructs in Romans 12:19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for Godā€™s wrath, for it is written: ā€œIt is mine to avenge; I will repay,ā€ says the Lord.Ā 
  4. Because trust has been broken in a close relationship, ask God (and perhaps some godly mentors) whether you should have any boundaries with that relative moving forward.Ā  If staying in close relationship with this person could cause serious physical, emotional, mental or spiritual harm to you, God may want you to keep your distance, at least for a period of time.Ā  Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.

God’s unusual formula for relationships!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Recently, God has prompted me to consider who is truly on the throne in my life.  Am I really putting God at the center of my focus, or is everything actually about me?  Drat.  I have to be honest and say that when it comes right down to it, I tend to filter everything in my life and my relationships through the question “what will make me happy?”.  How about you?

What if we changed the question?   I am suggesting that we start looking at our husbands, our marriage, our children, our work, and everything through the question “how can I please God at this moment?”  I believe this could radically change our relationships.  In Matthew 6:33 Jesus reminds us to “seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well“.  In other words, we should strive to please God in all we do, and we can trust Him to meet all our needs in return.

The world tries to convince you to focus on you.  The message is “you should focus on what makes you feel happy at the moment and you will be fulfilled.”  Unfortunately, this ā€œformulaā€ almost never works.  The Bible turns that equation upside down.  God tells us to focus on pleasing Him even when it doesn’t seem like you will be happy, and then you will indeed find true fulfillment and joy. 

What if you were to ask the Lord to show you how HE wants you to treat your husband this week and how HE wants you to handle difficult situations with your husband?  I wonder how your marriage would change?  Shall we try God’s upside-down formula this week? 

How to avoid frustration with hubby

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Even if you have a great marriage, we will all experience moments of frustration with our husbands from time to time.  Well, one key to resolving those frustrations (and avoiding them in the future) is to understand the cause.  In my experience, the cause is typically “unmet expectations”.   We consciously or even subconsciously expect our husbands to act in a certain way, and when they don’t, we get really frustrated!

So, here’s a nugget of wisdom that may be the remedy.  Clearly communicate your expectations and desires to your husband!  Duh!  I know this sounds too simple, but honestly, we are often at fault for holding expectations but failing to clearly reveal those expectations to our men.    We act like husbands are mind-readers and should “just know”.  News flash:  Most men don’t “just know”.  They don’t think like women, and they don’t know what you expect and desire from them.  In fact, when we fail to communicate what we want, we’re not really being honest with them. 

Maybe itā€™s time to bless your husband by being honest about your expectations and desires.  Proverbs 24:26 says “An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips“!!  Start to clearly communicate your expectations to your man.  Now, your husband may disagree with your expectations, and that’s okay.  That’s an opportunity for the two of you to sit down and discuss your respective opinions and work toward a compromise.  But at least you’ll be on the same page and understand each other’s expectations!