husband

When a wife’s heart grows cold

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I know what it’s like for a wife’s heart to grow hard and cold toward her husband.  I let that happen in my first marriage of 18 years…a marriage that ended in divorce.  Don’t let that happen to you.  Your marriage and your family are worth fighting for!

In my experience, the reason a wife’s heart grows cold usually comes down to two things.  She has not established firm, clear boundaries on disrespectful or destructive behavior…or she has expected her husband to make her happy and blames him for failing to do so.  Could one of these reasons apply to you?

Boundaries:  It is Biblical to lovingly confront someone who is sinning against you and establish boundaries in that relationship…with the goal being that the person will repent and be welcomed back into full relationship.  Read Matthew 18:15-17 to learn what Jesus has to say about this.  Also keep in mind Galatians 6:1, which says. “Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently.”

Expectations:  If you expect your husband to make you happy, realize you have an unrealistic expectation!  The only one who you can trust 100% to bring you fulfillment, joy, and perfect love is….the Lord!  Make the relationship with Him your top priority, and once you feel secure in that relationship, your heart will likely become softer and more compassionate toward your husband.

Guard marriage from 3 common pitfalls

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

As I’ve worked with hundreds of wives over 15 years of women’s ministry, I’ve noticed some common traps that end up destroying a marriage.  We must be alert to the subtle scheme of the enemy!  1 Peter 5:8-9 (amplified translation) Be sober [well balanced and self-disciplined], be alert and cautious at all times. That enemy of yours, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion [fiercely hungry], seeking someone to devour. 9 But resist him, be firm in your faith [against his attack—rooted, established, immovable]…

So please allow me to help you be alert to 3 common pitfalls or schemes of the enemy:

  1. Allowing yourself to emotionally connect with another man, whether on social media or workplace.  This is SO dangerous.  The moment you start confiding in another man or sharing your troubles or heartbreaks, you will start to emotionally bond with that man.  So, resist the urge to share your marriage troubles with another man, unless he’s a trained counselor!
  2. Believing your marriage should be like the ones in romantic comedies.  Oh boy.  Our culture has glorified romance and made it seem that your guy should be the most romantic, tender, loving, understanding, empathetic, compassionate listener when he comes home to you at the end of the day, while slaying dragons at the workplace and out in the world during the day!  Impossible!  Don’t fall for this scheme from the pit of hell.  The devil wants you to believe you’ve been ripped off and should trade in your husband because he isn’t exactly like the guys portrayed in romantic comedies and romance novels.  Your guy can’t be that perfect!!
  3. Letting resentment go unaddressed. This is such a subtle and slow killer of marriages.  When you stuff issues, rather than working all the way through them, resentment slowly poisons your hearts to your husband.  Ephesians 4:26-27 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold“

** or view this topic as a 4 minute VIDEO BELOW

Apply God’s big command to wives

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

The Lord gives wives a very misunderstood instruction in the Bible.  It’s a command that can seem kind of strange, to tell the truth!  The Bible instructs wives in Ephesians 5:33 to respect their husbands.  But what does that really mean?  Well, when I looked up the original Greek word for respect, it means “to be in awe of” or “to revere”.  Oh my!  You may love your husband, but I bet you don’t think of treating him like you “revere” him!

I wonder how your marriage would be impacted if you really sought to revere your husband?  Hmmm.  Well, first we need to better understand the word “revere”.  Webster’s dictionary says revere means to treat with deferential honor or to regard as worthy of great honor.  Are you starting to get the picture? 

Here’s my challenge to you this week. 😊  Would you be willing to strive to treat your husband as if everything he says is really worth your complete attention?  Yes, this means actually paying attention when he speaks and treating his thoughts, feelings and ideas as very important.  That’s how a person should respond if they think someone is worthy of great honor.  Are you doing this with your husband?  Treating him with honor might mean asking his opinion on how things should run in your family and then actually incorporating his ideas!  Treating him with “awe” might mean taking a few seconds to actually walk over and greet him with a smile and a kiss when he comes home…as if he’s important!

I wonder how your marriage would be impacted if you started showing respect to your husband (whether you FEEL like it or not)?  I have a sneaking suspicion that your guy would stand a little taller, feel more confident, enjoy emotional intimacy with you much more, and maybe even be more courageous in seeking to honor God!

If your husband seems selfish

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

When a husband is clearly sinning against you through something like verbal abuse or an affair with another woman, it seems pretty clear that you should take a stand, draw boundaries, and maybe even have a time of separation.  However, the Christian wife isn’t always as certain about how to handle a husband who simply seems to be selfish or very self-centered.  This is the kind of husband who almost always does exactly what he wants to do, when he wants to do it, with little regard for the desires of his wife or children.   What’s a wife to do?

First, realize that your husband’s selfishness is not okay with God, and thus, it shouldn’t be okay with you.  In the famous love passage in 1 Corinthians 13, the Bible says love is not “self-seeking“, and in Philippians 2:4, the Bible says “each of you should look not only to his own interests but also to the interest of others.”

Second, you must realize that nothing is likely to change unless you sit down with your husband and bring the problem to his attention. Ignoring the problem and hoping it will go away isn’t going to work.  You’ll grow resentful and eventually explode!

It’s time to gently and calmly tell your husband the truth about how you are being negatively impacted by his focus on doing what he wants without regard to you or your children.  Ephesians 4:15 says we should “speak the truth in love“, so gently explain the problem. Then directly ask him if he is willing to begin considering your desires when the two of you disagree on something.  Ask him if he is willing to work with you to forge a compromise the next time you disagree.  Hopefully, by bringing the problem to his attention, he will begin considering your interests.  If he doesn’t, it’s probably time to ask him to go with you to meet with a pastor or counselor. 

Avoid this crazy cycle in marriage!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

In every marriage, there will certainly be times where you find yourself disappointed or frustrated with your husband.  The question isn’t…how can you and I avoid those challenging times?  The question is…how are we going to respond to the challenge?

I’ve met many wives who allow themselves to sink into self-pity or get all riled up with anger toward their husband.  Neither one of those responses is helpful!  In fact, a crazy cycle begins in the marriage.  The wife lets her husband know how disappointed she is in him…he feels like a failure so he either responds with mean words or withdraws…she gets even more disappointed…and the cycle continues!  Please allow me to suggest a couple of new ways to look at those times when your husband has frustrated or disappointed you:

Instead of focusing solely on what he’s doing wrong, choose to rejoice in what he’s doing right.  This is the essence of Philippians 4:8 “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.”  In other words, instead of developing a sour taste in your mouth by dwelling on his every fault, choose to look at your husband as a work in progress.  God doesn’t transform a person overnight (including you!).  So, choose to relish in the sweetness of every good thing your husband does and every good choice he makes.  For your soul, it will be like sipping on sweet lemonade instead of sucking on bitter lemons.

P.S.  You’ll look a lot more attractive to your husband when your mouth isn’t puckered up like you’ve been sucking on sour lemons!

P.S.S. If your husband is WAY out of bounds with his behavior and actually sinning against you, you may need to establish some firm boundaries, while at the same time choosing to remind yourself of his good qualities as well!

If husband is struggling with porn

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I was asked recently how a woman can help her husband (or boyfriend) if he’s struggling with the temptation to view pornography.  This is such a difficult question because, ultimately, he has to be the one who does what is necessary to overcome this temptation.

However, there are 3 things that you can do:

1) Sit down with him and let him know that you want to support him and help him in any way as he wrestles against this temptation.  Then gently and lovingly ask him to share with you the things that seem to trigger the desire to view porn.  As you show compassion and understanding, he will be more likely to feel safe sharing the things that trigger him.  Then once he shares those “triggers”, you can ask what you can do to help him deal with the reasons he’s turning to porn.  You may be able to come up with ideas on how he can avoid situations that trigger him.

2) Insist that he actively pursues assistance from a 12-step group, sexual addiction treatment program, or a godly mentor with experience in this area.  He needs other people to help hold him accountable and to pray for him.  He NEEDS to have other men speak into his life and help him deal with the common temptation to lust and view pornography.  Accountability is Biblical.  James 5:16 instructs, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”

3) Pray for God to break the stronghold of pornography and lust in his life!  You don’t have the power to do that, but God does!  So, lift your husband to God in prayer daily. Ask God to sever the addiction to porn. Ask God to place a desire in your husband’s heart to seek the Lord over everything else.  Ask God to show your husband the way out of temptation to view porn.  God can do these things.  Our role is to pray!

Husbands desire “plain-speak”!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

This little devotional really addresses and accomplishes two separate things:  blessing your man in a way that will also bless you!

Here’s something I’ve come to realize.  Wives have a need to feel loved and cherished, but this need is largely misunderstood by the male species!  We might have read the book “The 5 love languages” and we may have even told our husbands what our love language is, but alas, he does not seem to be “speaking” that love language.  So, we grow more and more disappointed every day. 

But here’s the big idea.  Maybe we need to clearly and plainly communicate exactly HOW your husband can carry out your particular love language.  In other words, tell him plainly!  Don’t hint.  Don’t just expect him to know.  Your love language may very well be a foreign language to him.  And even if he has the same love language, he might want it carried out in a different way than what you desire.  So, tell him clearly and plainly what you need to feel loved.  Tell him clearly and plainly what you need him to do in areas where you have been growing disappointed.

Hebrews 10:24 (amplified) says:  and let us consider [thoughtfully] how we may encourage one another to love and to do good deeds.   Maybe a way we carry out this instruction in marriage is to clearly communicate exactly how to love and do good deeds for each other.  And when it comes to the male species, let’s remember that they are not mind readers.  Men appreciate “plain-speak”.  Just tell them what you want or need!  They will be blessed, and likely, you will be also. 😊

Understanding your guy’s wiring

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I know the Declaration of Independence says “all men are created equal”, and it is true that all humans are equally important.  However, I have learned that not all men are exactly the same!

In my marriage to my late husband Raul, God had me launch a ministry that focused quite a bit on providing Bible guidance for wives.  In the process, I began pressing into my role as my husband’s “helper” as referenced in Genesis 2:18.  I realized that in order to be a help and blessing to him, I really needed to figure out what actually made him tick and what he needed from me.  After studying him and asking him questions along this line, I discovered that he REALLY needed verbal affirmation from me and he desperately desired my respect.  When I helped him by doing those things, he began to flourish even more.  He became a better version of himself, and he often told me how much my affirmation and respect meant to him.

Fast forward following my husband’s untimely death, the Lord saw fit to bring a widower into my life and we actually got married in 2023!  I, of course, thought that I had my role as a wife and helper all figured out for this new husband.  Wrong!  I’m learning that the things that my late husband needed and wanted from me are not at all the same as what my new husband desires.  They are different men. Duh! 

This brought to mind Philippians 2:3-4, which says, “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

Are you looking to your husband’s interests?  Don’t make the same mistake I did, thinking that all husbands basically want the same things from their wife.  Each man is a little different.  This means we need to be a student of our husbands.  Study what makes your husband tick, what lights him up, what seems to be meaningful to him, what actions or words appear to be a blessing to him.  Then do those things!  Your husband will so appreciate you. 😊

Mrs. Holy Spirit??

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

There’s a fine line between confronting someone who is sinning against us and confronting someone about their sin in general.  As I read the Scriptures, it is pretty clear that we are supposed to confront our husbands or anyone who is sinning directly against us.  Jesus gives us this instruction in Matthew 18:15-17 and also in Luke 17:3.

However, sometimes we go too far and start to act like we’re the Holy Spirit!  It is not our job as a wife to convict our husbands of each and every one of their sins.  God says that’s the Holy Spirit’s job.  In John 16:8, Jesus says the Helper (Holy Spirit) “will convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment”.  

This means it’s not your job to be constantly pointing out your husband’s flaws, reminding him of his imperfections, and chastising him for falling short of God’s perfect standard.  A wife is NOT Mrs Holy Spirit!  In fact, when we start acting like we are the Holy Spirit, we start to become that quarrelsome wife mentioned throughout Proverbs.  She is compared to a constant dripping of a leaky roof.  Hmmm.

Create a sense of team in marriage

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

99% of wives would like to feel more emotional intimacy and connection with their husbands, but often a husband and wife end up drifting apart as the years of marriage pass by.  This is especially true when children come on the scene.  You get super busy and absorbed with the kids and your husband feels unimportant, unvalued, and un-needed.

However, there is one simple step you can take to begin changing that dynamic.  Start asking your husband for his opinion!  Ask him his thoughts on the right number of activities for the kids.  Ask him his thoughts on how to best arrange the living room furniture.  Ask his opinion on what is most important to him in terms of cleaning and tidying the house.  (You might be surprised that most men would prefer you focus on keeping the home tidy rather than clean).

By asking your husband for his opinion, you’re communicating that he matters.  You’re communicating that he is a needed and valued team member.  You’re communicating that he is respected by you!  He needs that respect.  He’s wired to crave your respect.  That’s why God gave a clear instruction to wives in Ephesians 5:33.  It simply says “The wife must respect her husband.”  So, start respecting your husband by asking his opinion and truly considering his thoughts and desires.  You will find that he likes being around you more, and you will develop a powerful sense of “team” in your marriage.