husband

Refresh your marriage with quiet moments

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I learned something when the covid pandemic started in spring of 2020.  When the stay-at-home orders first hit, my late husband Raul and I had nothing better to do in the early hours of the morning than pull up 2 chairs in front of the fireplace and start quietly talking about God, family, priorities, hopes, fears and dreams.  We held our cups of coffee and talked for 30 or 40 minutes as night gave way to dawn.  Sometimes we talked. Sometimes we’d enjoy quiet moments of just being together.  It was…special.  It was intimate.  It was bonding. It was precious.

After the main lock-down ended, we engaged in that kind of special moment from time to time, but with no real regularity.  Life got busy again.  We both went to work, and we picked up the rapid pace of life once again. 

But one day about a year later, I realized we had lost those precious, quiet moments together. So, I decided to be more intentional.  Good things don’t usually happen unless we put in a little effort!  So, even though it was a little chilly on a May morning in Bellingham, WA, I told my husband I’d love to join him for a sunrise chat in our backyard as birds were beginning to chirp and the sun was beginning its slow rise for the morning.  It was beautiful.  It was peaceful.  It was quiet.  We had a soft and lovely conversation, sitting there bundled in jackets and enjoying the first rays of sunshine on our faces.  It reminded me that Jesus told his followers to seek out a quiet place from time to time because their soul needed that rest and refreshment.  Mark 6:31 And he said to them, “Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while.”

I encourage you to think about carving out time for a peaceful, quiet, morning conversation with your husband.  I think you will find it is bonding.  I know it will refresh your marriage.

Reasonable boundaries in the bedroom

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Insist on being yourself in the bedroom, ladies!  What do I mean by that? Well, unfortunately, I frequently hear stories from women about how their husbands are asking them to do increasingly bizarre things in the bedroom.  Their guys want them to perform rather perverse sex acts, or dress like a stripper and do a pole dance, or dress like a dominatrix with whips and chains.

Why are many husbands asking these things of their wives?  It’s likely because they’ve seen such stuff in pornography and they’re trying to replicate it with you!  I don’t know about you, but I don’t think this is ok.  Does it seem right that your husband would use you to try to recreate a fantasy featuring another woman he saw on a porn site?  At that point, your husband isn’t even making love to you.  It’s only about the sex act and you’re just playing a role.

The Bible instructs husbands in 1 Peter 3:7 “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”  It is not respectful for your husband to ask you to play the role of some fantasy character from a porn site!  I believe it’s right for you to insist that you get to be yourself in the bedroom.  Yes, as a wife, you can wear sexy lingerie and be adventurous and playful in the bedroom, but let’s agree that a wife should be herself, and not play some fantasy role of a high school cheerleader or dominatrix!  That’s my take on the subject. What do you think?

Are you catastrophizing in marriage?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Have you ever heard the word catastrophizing?  It happens when a person fixates on the worst possible outcome and treats it as likely, even when it is not.  Unfortunately, this often happens between a husband and a wife!  Have you fallen into this dysfunctional and destructive trap yourself?

See if any of these patterns sound familiar.  Do you often believe the worst about your husband’s intentions and motivations? Do you tend to take one failure or disappointment regarding your husband and then blow that up into a sweeping condemnation of him altogether?  Do you tend to make negative assumptions about him?  Do you fixate on your husband’s shortcomings or the ways he fails to meet your every desire?   Do you believe he will let you down or disappoint you before he’s actually done so?!  Then you have likely fallen prey to the common trap of “catastrophizing”!  And you’re not alone.  I, too, have fallen into this unhealthy way of thinking far too frequently.

Here’s the remedy for catastrophizing.  The minute you find yourself going down that line of negative, fear-based, hopeless path of thinking about your husband, immediately catch yourself, and hit reverse!  In that moment, switch gears and start mentally tallying the good qualities of your husband.  It’s amazing how your feelings toward your husband will instantaneously change as you start focusing on the positive qualities he has (or even the bad things he does NOT do).  This is the essence of God’s instruction to us in Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Dealing with a husband’s anger

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Does your husband tend to give full vent to his temper when you disagree with his opinion or his desires?  When you guys have a conflict, does he end up yelling at you or saying mean things?  When this happens, deep heart wounds occur.  There must be a better way to handle conflict!  Here are a couple things you can do to help put out his anger fire before it scorches you:

1) If a disagreement is starting to get a bit ugly, YOU can simply stop arguing! Tell your husband that you love him and you want to take a time-out before discussing the issue further.  Tell him that you’re going to think and pray about his perspective and that you’d love him to do the same for you.  Then agree to talk about it again later that day or tomorrow.  

2)  Remain calm even if your husband does not.  Refuse to match his loud volume or hurtful comments.  In fact, if he becomes emotionally abusive, calmly tell him you do not allow anyone to speak to you that way, and then walk away.  If he follows you and continues the emotional abuse, get in your car and drive away.  Do not tolerate aggressive, harsh, or wounding treatment from your husband during conflict.  That is not God’s plan for how a wife should be treated.  Colossians 3:19 says, “Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.” 

Oddest tip for a vibrant marriage!

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I’m going to give you the oddest, most counter-intuitive tip for your marriage.  You’re not going to want to hear this tip, let alone do it!  However, I urge you to give it a chance; maybe even do an experiment and try it for a few weeks straight.  I learned in my marriage to Raul that this tip was powerful and transformative, and it drew my husband’s heart to me.  Here is the tip, and it is a Biblical principle:  Die to self.  I know. I told you it was counter-intuitive!  In short, this principle could be summed up like this:  It isn’t all about me! 

  • Luke 9:23 And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.”  
  • 1 Corinthians 10:24  No one should seek their own good, but the good of others. 
  • Philippians 2:3-4 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Here’s what I know.  When I focus on myself, and what I want, and what I think I need, and how the people in my life aren’t making me happy or perfectly meeting my needs….I grow depressed and resentful.  I become an irritable, sour-faced woman!  No one, including a husband, wants to be around that!!  But, if I focus on serving God, responding to his prompts on loving and serving others….I feel fulfilled and joyful.  In marriage, if you focus on being a blessing to your husband, his heart is drawn to you and your heart, believe it or not, is drawn to him. The marriage grows stronger!  By the way, being a blessing to your husband can mean many things.  It can mean being kind even though he’s in a bad mood from a stressful day…or getting up early to make him a great breakfast even though you’re headed off to work too…or lovingly and respectfully asking him to seek help if he has a personal problem that is spiraling out of control. 

Try it for a few weeks.  Ask God every morning to help you die to self-centeredness and ask Him for direction on how to be a blessing to your husband this day.  Let me know how it goes!

Words a wife should never say!

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Husbands battle the world every day at their jobs.  Co-workers stab them in the back.  Other men put them down in order to look more important.  The culture tells your man he is a failure if he doesn’t own a Tesla and he can’t dunk like LeBron James.

So when your man comes home to you, the last thing he needs is to feel like a failure in your eyes too.  However, our words often unintentionally communicate just that!  Perhaps this is why God felt it necessary to actually instruct wives in Ephesians 5:33 that “the wife must respect her husband”. 

Even if your husband has disappointed you, you can still be respectful as you address his behavior, request changes, and establish boundaries.  However, if you condemn him and belittle him in that moment of disappointment, you shred his heart.  As a result, he will likely turn his heart away from you, self-medicate his pain in destructive ways, or simply stop trying to be a good man since you don’t see anything good in him anyway!

With the need to respect your husband in mind, here are 12 words you should never say to your man:

  1. You always….(insert complaint)
  2. You never… (insert complaint)
  3. Why don’t you ever…?
  4. I don’t respect you
  5. I feel like your mother
  6. If people only knew what you are really like
  7. You don’t make enough money
  8. How many times do I have to tell you…?
  9. That’s not the right way to do it
  10. I don’t need you
  11. I’ll never be able to trust you
  12. You’re a jerk

Take a marriage lesson from you dog!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Have you ever noticed how a man loves his dog?  Maybe it’s partly because the dog is clearly devoted to his man and shows it by jumping around with giddy delight the moment his man walks in the door.  Maybe it’s because the dog is his loyal companion.  Maybe it’s because the dog seems to just accept his man, despite his flaws and isn’t bent on criticizing his every move. J   

I can’t help but think wives could learn something from a man’s dog. (Yes, I’m saying this a bit tongue in cheek, but maybe a bit seriously too!)  What if you, as a wife, rushed to the door and greeted your husband with love and excitement, just as a dog greets its owner when he comes in the door at the end of the work day?  What if you, as a wife, were as eager to please as a man’s dog?  What if you were as much a faithful companion to your husband as dogs are for their owners?  What if you, like a lap dog, made it a practice of snuggling up close, without talking?  The Bible actually has something to say about that.  In 1 Peter 3:1, God says that “husbands may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives.”  Hmmm.  That’s something to ponder.  Yep, perhaps there are a few lessons to learn from “a man’s best friend”….

This makes a husband feel respected

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

If you’ve spent plenty of time reading the New Testament (or if you’ve read many of my devotionals), you probably already know that the Bible has a very clear instruction to wives about respect.  God’s instruction is very concise and to the point in Ephesians 5:33. God simply says, “the wife must respect her husband”. 

However, two concerns often arise when a wife thinks about this instruction.  First, many wives shrug off this command because they don’t feel respect for their husband.  But the Bible verse says nothing about waiting to “feel” respect.  It simply tells wives to carry out the action verb of respect!  In other words, a wife can choose to act respectfully toward her husband, and she can do this even if she’s establishing a boundary on sinful behavior.

The second concern that arises from this instruction is how to show respect to your husband.  We aren’t men, so we don’t know what comes across as respectful versus disrespectful.   I’ve learned that many things communicate respect to a man, but let me share just one easy thing you can do.  Ask your husband’s advice on something and then actually follow his advice!  It’s so simple, yet so powerful! 

I did this the other day.  I was trying to craft a text to a relative regarding something rather sensitive and I wanted to be diplomatic.  Then I remembered to ask my husband for advice, and he actually provided a good insight!  In addition to that, I know he felt respected.  When you ask for your husband’s advice, you’re basically communicating that you think he has a brain and has something valuable to offer.  That makes him feel esteemed and respected.  Try it. 

4 things to do if he disappoints you

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Every wife is going to have moments (or weeks or months!) that she’s disappointed with her husband.  No man is perfect, and your husband is bound to frustrate you, annoy you, or fail to meet your expectations from time to time.  The question is:  How can you keep from being seriously discouraged or resentful during those times?  I have found 4 things to be really helpful:

1) Clearly communicate your expectations and desires!  Men are not mind-readers, yet often wives expect their husbands to “just know”!  So, think about the areas in which you’ve been frustrated or disappointed. Then calmly and clearly tell your husband what you desire or need, as well as how much you’d appreciate him making an effort to meet those needs and desires.

2) Be grateful for what he does right!  Isn’t it strange how most wives tend to gravitate to focusing on what their husband is doing wrong, but barely give a second thought to what he’s doing right?!  Stop right now and ask God to help you see the many good things about your husband and the positive things he does.  This is the essence of Philippians 4:8… “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such thing.”

3) If your husband is actually sinning against you, it’s time to stop wringing your hands and it may be time to take action!  In Matthew 18:15-17, Jesus instructs us to confront the person who sins against us, and to even get others involved if necessary.

4) Pray, and never give up!  Prayer truly can move mountains, and Jesus tells us in Luke 18:1 that we “should always pray and not give up“.  So go to battle in prayer, and ask God to reveal His love to your husband and to mold and shape your husband’s heart.

Becoming a confident wife

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Do you lack confidence in handling disrespectful or sinful behavior by your husband (or boyfriend)?  If so, there are some common reasons.  Perhaps you avoid conflict because you grew up in a home filled with rage and verbal abuse.  Maybe you’re so insecure about your own worth that you can’t stand up for yourself if your husband is treating your poorly.  However, you need to recognize this truth.  If you remain insecure and scared of confrontation, it’s likely nothing will ever change in your marriage.  You’ll keep getting what you’re getting right now.

There is a solution.  First, ask God to give you courage to confront any sinful behavior in your marriage.  He will be glad to answer that prayer! Throughout the Bible, God continually tells his people to be strong and courageous.  In fact in Joshua 1:9, God says “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”  Helpful hint:  When I need courage, I ask God’s Holy Spirit to be the one who actually does the confrontation.  I ask Him to simply use me as his mouthpiece.

If insecurity is the issue for you, then ask God to reveal your true worth and identity in His eyes.  Meditating on what God says in Zephaniah 3:17 is a good place to start.  He says, “The Lord your God is with you.  He is mighty to save.  He will take great delight in you.  He will quiet you with His love.  He will rejoice over you with singing.”  In addition, take a moment to close your eyes and ask God to speak one word into your mind about how He views you.  You will likely be amazed at the loving, encouraging word He has for you.  You may hear the word “beautiful” or “chosen” or “adorable” or “strong”….