husband

Physical intimacy vs the tired wife

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

For many women, especially moms of young children, making love to their husbands seems like yet one more thing on their to-do-list!  For an exhausted wife and mother, the idea of carving out time to be physically intimate with her husband sounds about as thrilling as running 15 miles on the treadmill at the gym at 5 o’clock in the morning! 

But here’s the thing.  We know that most men have an extremely high sex drive.  It isn’t their fault.  God made them that way.  🙂  So, one of the kindest and most loving things we can do for our husbands is to meet their sexual needs.  We need to strive to build a robust sex life with our husbands, and more than likely, you’ll enjoy it too!  To be honest, if we don’t have a vibrant sex life within our marriage, we’re setting up each other to subconsciously look for that excitement with someone else.  That’s why Paul instructs us in 1 Corinthians 7:5 “Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self control.”

The question is: How does the exhausted wife (and mother) build a robust sex life that both she and her husband enjoy?   Well, I believe she takes a really good look at her schedule of activities and responsibilities to see if there are any things she can cut out.  I bet there are some things she could reduce or cut completely!  Secondly, she asks her husband for help!   Can he put the kids to bed so that she has time to wind down and start thinking about enjoying physical intimacy with her husband?  Can he do the dishes after dinner or help the kids with their homework so that she can decompress and maybe take a bubble bath before she and her husband head to bed? 

Ask your husband if he would be willing to help with some tasks in the evenings so that you are more able to build a robust sex life with him.  I bet it is a trade he is willing to make!

Appreciation for all you do!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I get in a poopy mood (yes, I just used the highly technical term “poopy”!).  During my marriage to my late husband Raul, I would get in this grumpy mood when I did something sacrificial for my husband and he didn’t even seem to notice!  For instance, even though both my husband and I worked full-time in ministry, I decided that, for a while, I would do all the household cleaning chores so that my husband would be freed up to serve God even more.  I did this for a several-month stretch one year.

Did I enjoy vacuuming, dusting, cleaning toilets?  No, I did not.  Did I sometimes feel grumpy when I cleaned the house after already working a full day?  Yes, I did.  But then I thought, “well, at least my husband will sing my praises when he gets home and notices all I’ve done”.  However, even though I subtly pointed out to him what I had done, much to my shock, sometimes he didn’t say anything at all.  What!?!  

It’s at that time that God graciously reminded me that He noticed all I had done, and He was pleased.  I know that God was pleased whenever I served my husband because God instructs us in Matthew 9:35 that “Anyone who wants to be first must be the very last, and the servant of all.” 

God always notices what we’re doing even when no one else sees it!  In Matthew 6:4, the Bible reminds us that “your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.”   Let’s take heart that we are pleasing the “right” man when we serve our others sacrificially.  That right man is Jesus.

Don’t share your girlfriends!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

At the risk of you thinking I’m totally looney, may I suggest that you talk with your husband about clear boundaries regarding your female friends?  In other words, he should not be a close “friend” of any of your own girlfriends!  I know this might seem old-fashioned or even ridiculous, but many affairs start out with a husband “just talking” with another woman.  We need to be careful and alert to the schemes of the enemy!

1 Peter 5:8 says “Be alert and of sober-mind.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”  So, be alert to the enemy’s scheme to get your husband emotionally entangled with one of your friends.  He should not spend time with her without you.  He should not even be spending time on the phone with her giving advice or listening to her woes.  Without him intending to do so, he will slowly find himself developing an emotional bond with your friend, and she will start bonding with him.   Danger lies ahead!

Moving forward following betrayal

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Betrayal in marriage can come in many different forms.  Sometimes, it’s an emotional affair.  Other times, it’s an inappropriate online relationship.  Of course, betrayal can also mean an actual physical affair.  Any way you slice it, the cut is deep to the spouse who has been betrayed.  If you have been betrayed by your husband, your heart is broken and trust has been blown to smithereens by the lies and deceit that surround betrayal.  It will take time for you to heal and for trust to be restored.

If your husband is unrepentant and defiantly continues on with the affair/inappropriate relationship, then you will need to consult God and godly counselors as to whether you should consider divorce or whether you should set firm boundaries and wait for God to do a mighty transforming work in your husband’s life.

However, if your husband is indeed repentant, then you have a different kind of decision to make.  You will need to give yourself some time to grieve, and you will need to tell your husband what he needs to do in order to regain your trust.  Those things are a given.  But, at some point, you also have to make the decision to let go of the hurt and resentment and move forward in building a new and healthier marriage with your husband.  You MUST choose to let go of the resentment and pain after several months of grieving.  If you do not, and you keep throwing his past sin in his face, you will slowly beat down your husband to the point that he simply gives up.  You will also become a sour-faced woman who no one wants to be around! 

It’s easy to let your emotions guide your behavior, but that rarely ends well.  Resentment and bitterness act like a poison!  You must CHOOSE to let go of bitterness.  Hebrews 12:15 puts it this way:  “Let no bitter root grow up among you to cause trouble and defile many.”  Yes, you need to allow yourself time to grieve your pain with God and some godly girlfriends, and yes, you need to tell your husband how to regain your trust.  But then, you need to stop dwelling on the past!  Isaiah 43:18-19:  “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing.  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?”

How to avoid nasty fights!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I’m on a journey of learning how to do relationships in a healthier, God-directed way!  I don’t know about you, but, in the past, when I got really disappointed in my husband or anybody, I tended to go in one of two unhealthy directions.  1) I avoided the potential conflict entirely by clamming up, putting up an ice shield, and then spiraling down into toxic resentment or 2) I let my tongue run wild and blasted the person with both barrels!  Neither one of these options yielded good results.

God’s way is so much different and better!  He says in Proverbs 15:1 “A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare”.  Gentle words.  Gentle words.  Gentle words.  I need to remind myself of this!  God is saying that we can avoid a nasty argument if we speak gently and kindly and maybe even assume the best about the other person instead of giving full vent to our anger.

I vividly remember when I put this into practice several years ago.  My late husband was really stressed as we were on a long-distance drive.  I was attempting to help with googling a gas station, but my phone ran out of data.  Ugh.  Then he started getting really sharp with me in his tone.  I mean…REALLY sharp.  I felt disrespected.  And oh boy, I decided that I didn’t deserve that tone and that I was going to tell him what a jerk he was.  Yeah, pastor’s wives don’t always have gracious thoughts, apparently. Sigh.

Anyway, somehow God got my attention before I blasted him and God reminded me of Proverbs 15:1.  So, I bit my tongue until we got all the way home, and as my husband was about to exit the car, I turned to him, laid a hand softly on his arm and said gently, “I know you love me and you would never intend to hurt me, but the way you talked to me back there was not okay.  Please don’t talk to me like that again.”  And that was that.  No big blow-up.  He didn’t feel condemned because I affirmed that I know he loves me.  With God’s prompting, I was able to defuse the nasty argument before it could start.  Gentle words.  Gentle words.  Gentle words.  Let’s all remember that!

Do not make major decisions if…

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

You may have heard of the acronym H.A.L.T.  It stands for hungry, angry, lonely, tired.   It is a caution often used in addiction recovery where people are urged not to make any drastic decisions when one of those 4 conditions applies.

That’s a really good caution for wives as well!  Don’t make any major decisions about leaving your husband, filing for divorce, or even giving full vent to your temper if you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired.  However, I would like to add one more condition.  Don’t make any major decisions when….it’s that time of the month!!  Women are often so overly-emotional in the days leading up to their period, that we become drama queens!  Everything happening around us is exaggerated in intensity.  So, even though you feel like reacting in a dramatic way, remind yourself to pause and see if you still feel the same way 3 or 4 days later.

This verse comes to mind.  James 1:19-20  My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.

A different way to kiss your husband!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Okay – I’ll come clean.  This might not be exactly what you expected.  I’m not going to attempt to teach anybody how to kiss well…in the literal sense!  However, God reveals something interesting in the Bible about kisses.  He says in Proverbs 24:26, “An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips“.  Wow!

What if you were to bless your husband (almost as good as a passionate kiss!) and be honest with him?  According to God, being honest with your guy would be very well received and appreciated!  Here are 3 ideas on how you can start being more honest with your husband:

1) Stop hinting and decide to directly and clearly state your needs, desires, and ideas.

2)  Be transparent about your past failures and even your current struggles instead of pretending you’re perfect.

3) Be respectful but honest if something is really bothering you, as opposed to stuffing your true feelings and allowing bitterness to close down your heart toward your husband.  In other words, when he asks you if something is wrong, don’t say “everything’s fine”, if it’s not!!

Are you frustrated with husband?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

If you’ve been married for more than a few months, you’ve likely experienced frustration with your husband on occasion.  Sometimes the frustrations are over little annoying habits.  Other times, your frustration may mount over bigger behavior issues, such as a tendency to spend money wildly or be too controlling or drink too much alcohol. 

There are definitely times when God may prompt you to have a serious talk with your husband about destructive behaviors.  However, I’ve learned that sometimes, God wants me to simply consider why my husband is acting the way he is.  In other words, God wants me to strive to be compassionate and understanding.  People always have a reason for why they behave the way they do.  When I pause for a moment to ask the Holy Spirit to give me insight, I’ve frequently sensed the Holy Spirit showing me an underlying reason, such as insecurity, or a need to be respected, or a need for comfort after a hard day.  When that happens, I immediately find myself more compassionate and less frustrated! 

God instructs us in 1 Peter 3:8 Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.  So, the next time your husband does something really frustrating, pause and ask God if you are to say something and maybe even establish a boundary on destructive behavior, but also be sure and ask God to give you compassion and understanding as to why your husband is acting that way.  Compassion trumps judgment every time!  Or as the Bible puts it in James 2:13 Mercy triumphs over judgment.

Learning to trust husband again

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Betrayal in marriage is so devastating.  Betrayal takes many forms…adultery, use of pornography, excessive gambling, alcohol or drug abuse, etc.   If your husband betrayed you in some way, you know the resulting heartbreak first-hand.  If your husband has finally repented of this behavior, praise God!  However, there’s almost always a secondary, deep issue that needs to be dealt with…regaining trust.  That’s because betrayal is almost always engulfed in lies.  The husband who has an affair does so in secret and deceives his wife about his whereabouts.  The husband who has an alcohol problem usually drinks secretly and lies about his drinking. 

So, how does a wife learn to trust after betrayal?   Well, the first part is up to you.  You must clearly communicate what you need from your husband in order to begin to trust him again.  Here is what I suggest.  Let him know you will only be able to begin trusting again if you see him taking actual steps toward serious accountability and recovery.  I would also let him know that he needs to show that he is willing to do the hard work of recovery over the long haul, not just a few weeks.  This is the essence of Matthew 3:8, which instructs us to “produce fruit in keeping with repentance.” 

You need to see fruit, week after week and month after month.  That “fruit” may involve long-term counseling, a treatment program, long-term involvement with a 12-step group such as AA, etc.  The fruit should also mean willingness on his part to honestly account for his time, money, and computer use.

All that being said, remember to treat your husband with the same kindness, compassion and humility that you would want him to treat you if you were struggling with an addiction or had stumbled in some major way.  Your husband is NOT your enemy!  He needs you to encourage him, while also firmly requesting that he do the hard work to regain your trust.

Feel like ending your marriage?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Do you feel tempted to throw in the towel regarding your marriage?  I know it can be tempting to just bail out, but please let me encourage you to do everything you can to fight FOR your marriage!

When you’re going through a serious challenge in your marriage, it seems right to choose the path where the pain can be quickly relieved.  In a nutshell, it often seems best to choose divorce.  But I’ve been through divorce, and I can honestly say that even though some of your pain will be relieved, you’ll be faced with a whole new set of problems and heartbreak.

So, maybe you should try something else.  What if you were to seek outside counsel for your marriage? What if you were to spend time on your knees crying out to God on behalf of your marriage? What if you were to courageously, but respectfully, confront your husband if he is seriously out of line in some area?  That could be the beginning of a turn-around in your marriage.

And also, please consider that other people are watching how you handle challenging times. Your children are watching how you handle this.  Are you teaching them to bail out of situations and relationships when the going gets tough, or are you showing them how to persevere and do the hard work to restore the relationship?  Meditate on Hebrews 12:1-2 “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus…”

Yes, sometimes ending the marriage may be the right path, especially if there has been a pattern of affairs or abuse.  But often, we choose to end a marriage because of resentment or unmet expectations or because “he’s not making me happy”.   Please, please, please work to address the issues that are prompting you to consider divorce.  There may be a way to develop a healthier perspective and a healthier relationship.  This will likely take work, and the process could be painful, but often good things happen when we persevere through the pain!