Does your husband tend to give full vent to his temper when you disagree with his opinion or his desires? When you guys have a conflict, does he end up yelling at you or saying mean things? When this happens, deep heart wounds occur. There must be a better way to handle conflict! Here are a couple things you can do to help put out his anger fire before it scorches you:
1) If a disagreement is starting to get a bit ugly, YOU can simply stop arguing! Tell your husband that you love him and you want to take a time-out before discussing the issue further. Tell him that you’re going to think and pray about his perspective and that you’d love him to do the same for you. Then agree to talk about it again later that day or tomorrow.
2) Remain calm even if your husband does not. Refuse to match his loud volume or hurtful comments. In fact, if he becomes emotionally abusive, calmly tell him you do not allow anyone to speak to you that way, and then walk away. If he follows you and continues the emotional abuse, get in your car and drive away. Do not tolerate aggressive, harsh, or wounding treatment from your husband during conflict. That is not God’s plan for how a wife should be treated. Colossians 3:19 says, “Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.”
Every wife is going to have moments (or weeks or months!) that she’s disappointed with her husband. No man is perfect, and your husband is bound to frustrate you, annoy you, or fail to meet your expectations from time to time. The question is: How can you keep from being seriously discouraged or resentful during those times? I have found 4 things to be really helpful:
1) Clearly communicate your expectations and desires! Men are not mind-readers, yet often wives expect their husbands to “just know”! So, think about the areas in which you’ve been frustrated or disappointed. Then calmly and clearly tell your husband what you desire or need, as well as how much you’d appreciate him making an effort to meet those needs and desires.
2) Be grateful for what he does right! Isn’t it strange how most wives tend to gravitate to focusing on what their husband is doing wrong, but barely give a second thought to what he’s doing right?! Stop right now and ask God to help you see the many good things about your husband and the positive things he does. This is the essence of Philippians 4:8… “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such thing.”
3) If your husband is actually sinning against you, it’s time to stop wringing your hands and it may be time to take action! In Matthew 18:15-17, Jesus instructs us to confront the person who sins against us, and to even get others involved if necessary.
4) Pray, and never give up! Prayer truly can move mountains, and Jesus tells us in Luke 18:1 that we “should always pray and not give up“. So go to battle in prayer, and ask God to reveal His love to your husband and to mold and shape your husband’s heart.
Do you keep replaying your husband’s past mistakes over and over again in your mind? Do you find yourself dwelling on how he’s disappointed you in the past? Let it go! Thoughts like that become toxic…to you and your marriage. Hebrews 12:15 makes this point: “See to it that no bitter root grows up among you to cause trouble and defile many.” If you keep rehearsing your husband’s past failures, you will end up growing more and more resentful of your husband. The resulting bitterness acts like poison to your own heart. You become a dried up, miserable woman.
Even more damage is caused when you verbalize those past mistakes to your husband. Yet many wives do that. They repeatedly bring up their man’s past mistakes and almost wield them as a weapon against their husband. His heart gets sliced and diced in the process. His heart becomes poisoned against his wife as well.
It’s time to decide to release your husband from his past failures. It’s time to stop hitting the replay button where you keep reviewing his past sins and the ways he has disappointed you! The Bible is pretty clear about your need to release bitterness and resentment. Ephesians 4:31 says “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger…” So choose to exercise the same grace God has given you!! News flash: You’re not perfect either. By the way, releasing your man from his past mistakes doesn’t mean you should ignore current sin. If he is currently sinning against you, determine to respectfully confront him and work through the problem, perhaps with the help of a counselor or pastor.
I’m an expert conflict avoider. How about you? I grew up in a household where there was a lot of yelling and rage and verbal abuse. As a result, everything within me always tried desperately to avoid anything in my marriage that could have resulted in tension, raised voices, or anything remotely resembling conflict.
However, avoiding conflict is a recipe for disaster in a marriage. I learned that the hard way in my first marriage, which failed. Here’s the thing. If you don’t address the things that are really bothering you about your husband or your marriage, a seed of bitterness is planted in your heart. That seed slowly takes root and grows, and after months and years go by, you will most likely grow to despise your husband and want a divorce! Not good.
So, commit to respectfully, lovingly, and diligently address the things that are bothering you within your marriage. Hebrews 12:15 warns us not to let “any bitter root grow up among you to cause trouble…” So, ask God to give you the courage to gently and respectfully discuss your concerns with your husband, and determine to work all the way through those concerns until they are resolved. Ask God to give you the courage to express your needs and desires to your husband. Do not become invisible. When you start stuffing your feelings and immediately cave in during disagreements, toxic resentment will start to grow inside you. Don’t let that happen!
There’s a golden phrase I discovered many years ago. When I started using it, I found it helped prevent my husband from getting defensive when I was upset or frustrated about something he had said or done. Instead of accusing him of doing something wrong, I learned to kindly and sincerely ask this question: “Help me understand why…”
This simple question prevents the monster of defensiveness from raising its ugly head. By asking your husband to “help me understand”, you’re communicating two things to your husband. 1) You really do care about his perspective and feelings, and 2) You’re acknowledging there may actually be a legitimate reason for why he did or said whatever. At least, you’re giving him a chance to explain himself before you start arguing with him or condemning him!!
By asking your husband to help you understand his behavior or perspective, you’re avoiding a foolish argument. Proverbs 18:2 says “Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.” By asking your husband to help you understand his perspective, you’re pleasing both God and your husband by living out the instructions in Philippians 2:4 “Each of you should consider not only your own interests, but also the interests of others.”
Try this phrase when you sense a potential ugly argument is headed your way. You can not only use this phrase with your husband, but with your children, your in-laws, your co-workers, your boss, and more. Again, the phrase (actually a question) is….”Help me understand why…”
The Bible says in Ephesians 4:26 – 27, “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.
Well, over the years of my marriage to late husband Raul, I didn’t always obey that instruction, and my disobedience was almost disastrous! One occasion comes to mind as a good example. My husband had acted in a way that really bothered me. I was steaming for hours and couldn’t even bring myself to talk to him about it because I feared we’d get embroiled in a huge conflict. So, I went to bed early, by myself. I went to bed by myself, wrapped in a blanket of resentment, bitterness, and ugly thoughts about my husband. As I lay there steaming, that resentment started morphing into thoughts such as “I’d be better off without him” and “He’s such a jerk. I’m going to be cold as ice toward him from now on.”
I am so thankful the Holy Spirit finally broke through and prompted me to get out of bed and go speak with my husband. I sensed that I was giving the devil a “foothold” in my marriage through me stuffing the issue and letting resentment grow. So, I went and found my husband in the living room, knelt by his side as he was sitting on the couch and told him that I truly do see so many good qualities in him. I also told him why his behavior had bothered me.
I know you’re thinking he agreed with my assessment, but he didn’t!!! However, a good thing did happen. We calmly acknowledged our difference of opinion, and I was able to go to sleep in peace. There was no wedge between me and my husband. Don’t allow the enemy to gain a foothold in your marriage. Resist the temptation to go to sleep with simmering anger and resentment.
We ALL bring expectations into our relationships. Much of the time, our expectations are somewhat subconscious and subtle. We don’t spend a lot of time pondering whether our expectations are realistic or correct. However, we often do spend a lot of time being disappointed or frustrated with the other person for failing to meet our expectations or for causing us misery similar to painful relationships we had in childhood. It’s time we adjusted our expectations, especially when it comes to marriage! There are two different ways we may need to adjust our expectations. If one way doesn’t apply to you, I bet the other one will.
First, many of us subconsciously expect our husbands to be pretty much perfect. We wouldn’t say that out loud because it sounds rather ridiculous, but nonetheless, we find ourselves sinking into despair if our husband isn’t empathetic enough, or romantic enough, or providing enough. We become super frustrated if he wrestles with an addiction, doesn’t play with the kids enough, or doesn’t seem to shoulder his share of the responsibilities in taking care of the home. News flash: Your husband isn’t Jesus! He can’t be perfect in every way because he’s human! There is only one person who can perfectly meet all your needs, and that person is Jesus. Philippians 4:19 And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. So look to Jesus as your main source of love and security, and let your husband off the hook. Be thankful for the good qualities your husband does have and cut him a little slack in the areas where he is less than perfect.
However, for some of you, your dysfunctional childhood led you to expect that men would always treat a woman poorly. You experienced an abusive environment in your family of origin, so it seems somewhat normal for you to endure abuse from your husband. Change your expectations!! It is not okay or normal for a husband to engage in a pattern of verbal, mental, spiritual, or emotional abuse of his wife. It is never okay for a man to physically harm his wife. If you are experiencing such abuse, I urge you to seek help immediately. I urge you to separate yourself from your husband, at least temporarily, while asking him to get serious help for his anger problem. As I was contemplating Bible guidance for a woman in an abusive relationship, a principle came to mind from 1 Corinthians 7. Paul was writing to slaves (who were in an oppressive and sometimes abusive situation), and he said this in verse 21, “if you can gain your freedom, do so.” Do not expect or tolerate abuse in your situation. It may be necessary for you to gain freedom from abuse through a legal separation.
If you’re like me, you often find your mind drifting toward fear-based thoughts that usually start with these 2 words: “What if…” You might dwell on thoughts such as, “What if my husband loses his job?”, or “What if my child starts doing drugs?”, or “What if my husband cheats on me?”, or “What if I get breast cancer?”
Here’s the truth. If you and I allow ourselves to dwell on the many what-if scenarios, we will sink into a state of debilitating fear and chronic anxiety. God does not intend that for us! In fact, God tells us in 2 Timothy 1:7 “for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”
Here’s the simple but powerful remedy for fear-based thoughts. I’ve learned to catch those “what-if” thoughts and replace them with a much healthier 2-word truth: “Even if….”. In other words, even if my husband loses his job or I get cancer, God will still be with me. He will be with me, always. This “even if” statement is true! Psalm 23:6 “Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me”. Praise God! I don’t need to fear, in any situation that could develop, because my almighty and loving God will be right by my side!
Bottom line: Coach your soul when your mind starts dwelling on “what if” fear-based thoughts. Immediately replace those thoughts with this truth, “Even if that happens, God will be with me, always.” “Even-if” thoughts push away fear and darkness. Try it!
I don’t know about you, but sometimes I can get pretty grumpy when events become challenging in my day. When the internet goes down while I’m trying to work on my computer, I get super frustrated. When I accidentally drop a whole box of uncooked spaghetti on the floor, I get grouchy. When I get an unanticipated bill in the mail, I get really irritated. Unfortunately, when that happened in the past, if my husband happened to walk by at that particular moment, I inflicted collateral damage! Collateral damage is a military term where civilians, who were minding their own business, are injured unintentionally by a military strike. Hmmm. Yes, my husband sometimes ended up being that innocent civilian who was injured by the bullets coming from my mouth and the darts shooting from my eyes during moments of irritability! To be honest, this happens to often! Ugh!
How can you prevent this collateral damage? Here are two possible remedies:
1) Pause before you react! Before a word comes out of your mouth, pause. During this pause, remember who your enemy is. Your enemy is NOT your husband…or your children. Your enemy is Satan and he is TRYING to provoke you! 1 Peter 5:8-9 says “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith…”
2) Claim two specific Bible promises and pray that God would fulfill those promises for you in this moment…Isaiah 54:17 “No weapon forged against me will prevail” and Romans 8:28 “we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose“.
Here’s a small but potent tip for improving all your relationships. This tip will also improve your countenance! Instead of being a sour-faced, bitter-looking woman, your face will exude peace, contentment, and calm.
Here’s the tip, and it’s actually straight from the Bible. Stop being so easily offended! Proverbs 19:11 in the NIV says, “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.” The NLT translation puts it this way, “Sensible people control their temper; they earn respect by overlooking wrongs.”
This theme of overlooking offenses is repeated in the New Testament. 1 Peter 4:8 (amplified translation) says, “Above all, have fervent and unfailing love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins [it overlooks unkindness and unselfishly seeks the best for others].”
Think about it for a minute. Do you take offense too quickly? I’m not saying that you should willingly put yourself in situations where you are likely to be abused (verbally or in any way), but God instructs us over and over again to refrain from being easily offended and to keep no record of wrongs does against us. In the Bible’s famous definition of love, found in 1 Corinthians 13, verse 4 says: It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured.
What is God highlighting to you in these Scriptures? I know He is using these passages to convict me. He’s showing me that I will have greater peace in relationships if I stop allowing myself to become offended when people don’t treat me exactly how I think they should. He’s showing me that I will have greater peace in my soul when I stop dwelling on perceived offenses and focus on loving Him and loving others well. What’s He showing you?
