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The remedy for fear-based thoughts

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

If you’re like me, you often find your mind drifting toward fear-based thoughts that usually start with these 2 words:  “What if…”  You might dwell on thoughts such as, “What if my husband loses his job?”, or “What if my child starts doing drugs?”, or “What if my husband cheats on me?”, or “What if I get breast cancer?” 

Here’s the truth.  If you and I allow ourselves to dwell on the many what-if scenarios, we will sink into a state of debilitating fear and chronic anxiety.  God does not intend that for us!  In fact, God tells us in 2 Timothy 1:7 “for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”

Here’s the simple but powerful remedy for fear-based thoughts.  I’ve learned to catch those “what-if” thoughts and replace them with a much healthier 2-word truth:  “Even if….”.  In other words, even if my husband loses his job or I get cancer, God will still be with me.  He will be with me, always.  This “even if” statement is true!  Psalm 23:6 “Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me”.   Praise God!  I don’t need to fear, in any situation that could develop, because my almighty and loving God will be right by my side!

Bottom line:  Coach your soul when your mind starts dwelling on “what if” fear-based thoughts.  Immediately replace those thoughts with this truth, “Even if that happens, God will be with me, always.”  “Even-if” thoughts push away fear and darkness.  Try it!

** or view this topic as a 2 minute VIDEO BELOW

Collateral damage to your family!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I can get pretty grumpy when events become challenging in my day.  When the internet goes down while I’m trying to work on my computer, I get super frustrated.  When I accidentally drop a whole box of uncooked spaghetti on the floor, I get grouchy.   When I get an unanticipated bill in the mail, I get really irritated.  Unfortunately, when that happened in the past, if my husband happened to walk by at that particular moment, I inflicted collateral damage!  Collateral damage is a military term where civilians, who were minding their own business, are injured unintentionally by a military strike.  Hmmm.  Yes, my husband sometimes ended up being that innocent civilian who was injured by the bullets coming from my mouth and the darts shooting from my eyes during moments of irritability!  To be honest, this happens to often!  Ugh!

How can you prevent this collateral damage?  Here are two possible remedies: 

1)  Pause before you react!  Before a word comes out of your mouth, pause.  During this pause, remember who your enemy is.  Your enemy is NOT your husband…or your children.  Your enemy is Satan and he is TRYING to provoke you!  1 Peter 5:8-9 says “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  Resist him, standing firm in the faith…”  

2)  Claim two specific Bible promises and pray that God would fulfill those promises for you in this moment…Isaiah 54:17 “No weapon forged against me will prevail” and Romans 8:28 “we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose“. 

Become an unoffendable woman!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Here’s a small but potent tip for improving all your relationships.  This tip will also improve your countenance!  Instead of being a sour-faced, bitter-looking woman, your face will exude peace, contentment, and calm.

Here’s the tip, and it’s actually straight from the Bible.  Stop being so easily offended!  Proverbs 19:11 in the NIV says, “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.”  The NLT translation puts it this way, “Sensible people control their temper; they earn respect by overlooking wrongs.”

This theme of overlooking offenses is repeated in the New Testament. 1 Peter 4:8 (amplified translation) says, “Above all, have fervent and unfailing love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins [it overlooks unkindness and unselfishly seeks the best for others].”

Think about it for a minute.  Do you take offense too quickly?  I’m not saying that you should willingly put yourself in situations where you are likely to be abused (verbally or in any way), but God instructs us over and over again to refrain from being easily offended and to keep no record of wrongs does against us.  In the Bible’s famous definition of love, found in 1 Corinthians 13, verse 4 says: It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured.

What is God highlighting to you in these Scriptures?  I know He is using these passages to convict me.  He’s showing me that I will have greater peace in relationships if I stop allowing myself to become offended when people don’t treat me exactly how I think they should.  He’s showing me that I will have greater peace in my soul when I stop dwelling on perceived offenses and focus on loving Him and loving others well. What’s He showing you?

Handling your temper or harsh words

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Some women bottle up their frustrations in marriage and in life in general.  These women are uncomfortable working through conflict and try to ignore the problem, defaulting to a cold war or silent treatment.  However, some women find themselves at the other extreme.  When they get irritated or frustrated with their husband, they let him have it!  They often speak critical, bitter words to their men, and those words cut their men deeply.  The wound is especially deep because a man is wired to crave respect.  That’s why the Bible instructs wives in Ephesians 5:33 “The wife must respect her husband“.

So, what can you do if you’ve tried to stop spewing mean, harsh, bitter words, and your attempts seem to fail most of the time?  Well, the Bible gives us a big clue on what you need to do.  Luke 6:45 says “The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.”   The cure for a quick temper or critical tongue is to pray for God to change your heart!  Ask God to fill your heart with love and compassion and patience for your husband.  Pray this daily. 

P.S.  In addition to praying for a heart of love, make sure you don’t have major unaddressed issues with your husband.  If you hang onto resentment over unresolved conflict, that’s like covering a skillet of oil with a tight lid, setting it to simmer, and then walking away expecting it to stay at a calm simmer.  Without a vent, it will eventually explode, splattering the scalding oil everywhere!   If you have unresolved conflict with your man, decide to respectfully and gently confront these issues so your simmering heart doesn’t explode through your mouth!

Try this new goal during conflict

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

It’s natural during disagreements with your husband to believe you’re right, he’s wrong, and you must convince him of that!  However, if you stay stuck in that mindset, the battle only heats up.  He gets defensive.  You get defensive.  Usually, the situation either evolves into yelling and ugly accusations or a silent, but deadly cold war.  There is a better way, and it begins with rethinking your end goal.

What if your goal was not to “win” the argument or change his mind?  What if the goal was to reach a compromise or solution that addresses the biggest concerns of you both?  Seriously. Think about it. Now you both win and there are no losers.  This means that you both agree to consider the other person’s perspective, fears, values, and concerns.  From there, you begin to present ideas that might address both of your main concerns.  Philippians 2:4 reminds us “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” 

So, the next time you and your husband start to have a significant disagreement, suggest that you would like to sit down together and better understand his perspective and concerns.  Then gently share your concerns, and ask him to join you in brainstorming a solution or compromise that would be the best fit for both of you.

How to avoid frustration with hubby

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Even if you have a great marriage, we will all experience moments of frustration with our husbands from time to time.  Well, one key to resolving those frustrations (and avoiding them in the future) is to understand the cause.  In my experience, the cause is typically “unmet expectations”.   We consciously or even subconsciously expect our husbands to act in a certain way, and when they don’t, we get really frustrated!

So, here’s a nugget of wisdom that may be the remedy.  Clearly communicate your expectations and desires to your husband!  Duh!  I know this sounds too simple, but honestly, we are often at fault for holding expectations but failing to clearly reveal those expectations to our men.    We act like husbands are mind-readers and should “just know”.  News flash:  Most men don’t “just know”.  They don’t think like women, and they don’t know what you expect and desire from them.  In fact, when we fail to communicate what we want, we’re not really being honest with them. 

Maybe it’s time to bless your husband by being honest about your expectations and desires.  Proverbs 24:26 says “An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips“!!  Start to clearly communicate your expectations to your man.  Now, your husband may disagree with your expectations, and that’s okay.  That’s an opportunity for the two of you to sit down and discuss your respective opinions and work toward a compromise.  But at least you’ll be on the same page and understand each other’s expectations!

Great thing to say during fights

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

When we are having an argument with our spouse, or struggling with disappointment, we tend to blame each other and hurl accusations at each other. This never ends well!!  However, I’ve learned that there is a super helpful, simple thing we can say that helps the other person feel less attacked, and therefore, less defensive.  This simple statement has great power to throttle back the tension and turn your spouse’s heart back toward you.

Here is the statement:  “I know you love me and you would never, ever intentionally hurt me….”  After you say those words in a soft and loving voice, you can gently explain how you’ve been hurt or your perspective on the issue at hand.  You will find that by speaking those words, your spouse will relax a bit as he feels affirmed.  Your words communicate to him that you believe he has a good heart and good motives, and that lowers his need to feel defensive. 

When you speak these kind and loving words, you are really carrying out God’s instructions on how to love well as outlined in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.  Here is that passage in the Amplified translation:  Love endures with patience and serenity, love is kind and thoughtful, and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. 5 It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured. 6 It does not rejoice at injustice, but rejoices with the truth [when right and truth prevail]. 7 Love bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], endures all things [without weakening].

The next time you are your husband are at odds and you can sense the anger and defensiveness beginning to grow, try using that sentence in gentle and loving way:   “I know you love me and you would never, ever intentionally hurt me….” 

** or view this topic as a 2 minute VIDEO BELOW

Beware: This is toxic in marriage

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

We’ve all been betrayed and we’ve all betrayed others.  I can almost guarantee this is true for all of us, although we only seem to remember the times when we’ve been betrayed.  We conveniently “forget” the times we’ve betrayed others, in big and small ways.

Here’s the thing.  When we allow our focus to remain on the deeply hurtful things people have done to us, it’s as if we tie a heavy chain around our ankles and toss ourselves into a deep, dark lake.  We slowly sink deeper and deeper into murky darkness.  We’re starved for life-giving oxygen.  We slowly drown in self-pity.  We become enveloped by resentment and that resentment becomes a poison to us and everyone around us!

Cut the chains of bitterness and resentment!  Come up for air.  Drop the “victim” attitude.  The Bible tells us in Hebrews 12:15 to “see to it that no bitter root grows up among you to cause trouble and defile many”.  Your choice to embrace and coddle your bitterness will surely be the death of your joy and the joy of those around you.

How can you get rid of this super destructive attitude of resentment? Here are some insights. Stop hitting the replay button on past hurts!  Choose this day to be thankful for what you do have.  Make a choice to have compassion on your offender, realizing that you’re not perfect either!  If the resentment stems from current behavior, then seek godly counsel on establishing boundaries in that relationship.  Finally, ask God to redeem your painful experience in some kind of way.  He loves to do that!  Romans 8:28 promises us that “in all things God works for the good of those who love Him who have been called according to His purpose.”

Wives must know this about emotions!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Do you tend to get loud when you get upset?  Are you prone to big, dramatic displays of your emotions, whether joy, frustration or sadness?  Well you might not know this, but most men are really uncomfortable with big displays of emotion.  This isn’t true for ALL men, but for most men.

In other words, if you’re a drama queen….your husband will likely try to escape your presence!  He just doesn’t know what to do with your larger-than-life emotions.  Maybe this is why 1 Peter 3:4 advises wives to have the beauty that comes from a “gentle and quiet spirit“.   

Most men much prefer that their wives discuss their emotions, fears, disappointments, frustrations, and joy in a calm manner.  Your husband will be much more likely to engage in a meaningful discussion with you if you can speak in a normal tone of voice, without waving around your arms.  Try it!

The antidote for fear or anxiety

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Many of us wrestle with anxiety.  Our thoughts start drifting toward the “what-if” possibilities.  What if my headache is really a brain tumor?  What if my husband has an affair with his co-worker? What if my child flunks their grade and is held back?  What if my husband loses his job?  What if, what if, what if?  Ugh!

Here’s the truth.  God does not intend for you to be paralyzed with anxiety and fear!  And here’s the antidote.  Instead of living in fear about the negative possibilities in life, what if you were to remind yourself that God is sovereign?  In other words, frustrating or even heart-breaking things could indeed happen, but if we trust that God is in control, we need not fear. He has plans to do bring about good things even in difficult or painful situations! 

Here are some specific Bible verses on which to meditate.  These verses remind us that God is in control of ALL things, and we can trust him, regardless of what happens in the future.  When you spend time meditating on these verses, you will discover the antidote for anxiety and fear!

Proverbs 19:21 Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand

Romans 8:28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Ephesians 1:11  Furthermore, because we are united with Christ, we have received an inheritance from God,[c] for he chose us in advance, and he makes everything work out according to his plan.

Joshua 1:9  “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”