wives

Wife affected by past sexual abuse

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Unfortunately, there’s a high likelihood that many wives reading this devotional have experienced past sexual abuse, either in childhood or due to a forced sexual situation as an adult woman.  I can relate to this myself.  I was sexually abused by several men over many years of my childhood.  As you probably know, this can cause real problems for you in terms of desiring to be sexually active with your husband.  Yet, it’s so vitally important to build a vibrant sex life with your husband.  What’s a wife to do?

Here are 5 things that have helped me along my journey:

1) Determine in your heart and mind that you will not let evil steal from you yet again.  Evil stole your innocence once before, but decide that you will not cooperate with Satan’s plan to steal the sex life from your marriage.

2) Coach your soul.  The psalmist David often talked to his soul and reminded his soul of truth.  We can do the same thing.  Remind your soul that your husband cares for you….that he will not hurt you…that you are not being forced…that you will actually enjoy loving touch from your husband….that you can relax in your husband’s arms.

3) Ask your husband if he will allow you to be the one who initiates sex.  That way, you will not feel like someone is suddenly forcing himself on you.  (However, you do need to initiate then!)

4) Ask your husband to progress slowly, giving you plenty of time to truly warm to his touch.  In other words, you might need extra time before transitioning from kissing to touching of breasts, etc.  Also, ask him to stop for a moment if you say stop.  You need to know that, unlike your childhood experience where you had no control, this time you have control over your body.

5) Decide not to dwell on the past, but choose to focus on what is good and right and pure in your husband and in your marriage.  This is what Philippians 4:8 tells us:  “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”

Subtle signs of codependency

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Over the years, I’ve met with so many women who have been almost destroyed by their husband’s behavior.  They tell stories of husbands being verbally abusive, or controlling, or unfaithful, or only interested in themselves with no concern for their wife. It’s heartbreaking for sure.  And, honestly, I can relate to some of their stories in my own previous relationships.

If you are in an abusive marriage or your husband is cheating on you, of course, I would recommend seeking immediate guidance from a pastor, women’s ministry leader or Christian counselor.  You need not endure or enable such sinful and hurtful behavior.

That being said, I also want to urge you to break free from a subtle but huge snare of our culture.  Our culture has convinced many of us that our husbands should make us happy, that our husbands should meet all our emotional and relational needs.  Here’s the problem with that expectation.  All husbands are imperfect!  Many husbands struggle with sin.  Lots of men have their own deep emotional wounds from childhood that prompt them to lash out in anger or seek validation from other women.  If you rely on your husband for your “happiness”, you will live in a constant state of disappointment, grief and resentment.  You will have fallen into the subtle trap of codependency which prompts you to subconsciously depend on people to meet your deep emotional needs for love and security, rather than depend on God.

Instead, I ask you to look to God alone as your main love relationship!  God alone is steady.  God alone is your perfect help and refuge during life’s challenges.  Psalm 62:6-8 He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken.  My victory and honor come from God alone.      He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me.  O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge.

** or view this topic as a 3 minute VIDEO BELOW

Holy Spirit guidance in relationships

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I don’t know about you, but I am often reactionary in my relationships.  I get upset or frustrated or worried, and I react emotionally.  Sometimes, this doesn’t cause any damage, but other times, it’s not exactly helpful or beneficial!

I’m trying to operate under a new and improved system, and I’m finding it works far better, probably because it’s God’s plan for his people. Hah!  I’m earnestly seeking to submit myself to God moment by moment and I’m asking his Holy Spirit to nudge me and instruct me during every single interaction with others.  In other words, I’m inclining my heart and spirit to listen intently for the gentle whispers and nudges of the Holy Spirit every time I interact with family members, neighbors, friends, coworkers, church members, and even the grocery store clerk and the UPS delivery guy!

God designed us to operate this way.  Psalm 123:2  Behold, as the eyes of servants look to the hand of their master, as the eyes of a maidservant to the hand of her mistress, so our eyes look to the Lord our God.  This is such an inspiring word picture!  We are designed to be so tuned into the Lord that we notice God’s subtle, quiet instructions to us, and then we immediately obey.

Let’s commit to seeking the Lord’s guidance through his Holy Spirit, moment by moment, especially in marriage and family relationships.  This will likely be life-changing, and in a good way!  God alone knows how to improve every relationship, how to truly help others, and how to advance his kingdom here on earth.  We need his guidance.

Relaunch your marriage!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Some of you have had a rough couple of months or couple of years in your marriage.  You may have a mountain-size load of resentment toward your husband.  Perhaps your husband also holds a gigantic amount of resentment toward you.  If this is you….if you find yourself in the pit of despair regarding your marriage, I want to encourage you to blow up that marriage.  Yep.  You heard me right.  Blow up your marriage in order to start fresh and build a better one, with the same husband!

Sometimes, we just need to start over when something in our lives has gone terribly wrong.  However, our first impulse is to throw out the whole thing; to discard the thing that has brought heartache and disappointment.  But that doesn’t give God any room to work, and that attitude basically lets both your husband and you off the hook in terms of making any changes in how you do relationships.   If you toss out your existing marriage, you’ll just bring the same dysfunctional patterns into your next relationship.

So, how about completely resetting your marriage?  Listen to what God says in Isaiah 43:18-19 “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland”.  What if you were to apply those words to your marriage?  The devil wants to keep you focused on past hurts.  That way you will be forever stuck.  Don’t fall for his evil plot against you!  Starting today, stop dwelling on the past, sit down with your husband and ask him if he would be willing to start afresh, with BOTH of you putting actual daily effort into blessing the other, serving the other, speaking the other’s love language, and showing care for the other.  This attitude shift can accomplish absolutely amazing things!

Become a mature Christian wife

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We all want to be viewed as mature, but how does a wife actually go about becoming mature?    The Bible gives us some hints.  In short, the Bible indicates that maturity comes from persevering, from disciplining yourself to discern between good and evil choices, from speaking the truth in love, and by receiving wisdom from the Word of God.

Here are the verses that reveal these 4 means of becoming mature.  James 1:4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  Hebrews 5:14 But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil.  Ephesians 4:15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.  Colossians 1:28 He is the one we proclaim, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone fully mature in Christ.

By the way, the very best way for you to receive wisdom is by spending time reading God’s Word!  By that, I don’t mean simply reading one verse per day from a daily devotional.  I mean reading ALL of God’s Word.  It might take you two years to make your way all the way through it, but it will be totally worth it.  You will find so much of value along the journey 🙂

Satan’s common scheme against wives

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Something I’ve learned over my many years of being a wife is that Satan is out to destroy marriages, especially Christian marriages.  Therefore, you must be on guard.  Just as 1 Peter 5:8-9 says, we must “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith.“

Here is one of the most common schemes of the devil to take out Christian marriages:  getting one or both spouses isolated from other believers.  You must not be like an antelope that strays away from the rest of the herd out on the prairie.  Apart from the herd, that antelope is easy picking for that hungry mountain lion lurking in the high grass.  But this is exactly what many believers do.  We allow ourselves to get overly busy, so we drop out of the women’s Bible study.  Perhaps your husband spends too many hours at work or in pursuit of hobbies, and slowly drops away from the men’s fellowship at church.  We drift away.  We no longer hear the encouragement and admonishment of other believers to stay the course.

Hebrews 10:24-25 says “Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing”   Hebrews 3:13 says “But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.”  You MUST fight to remain in close fellowship with other believers.  I have seen too many marriages begin to crumble when one or both spouses drift away from regular weekly fellowship with believers of the same gender.  Are you staying connected with godly women every week?  Maybe it’s time to get back into a weekly Bible study meeting and/or the fellowship at Squadron of Sisters.

Does your man have dry bones?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Several years ago, I asked my late husband Raul what one thing most husbands really wish their wife would understand.  Here is what he said.  Most men long for their wife to notice something good about them and to tell them what they see!  It could be a positive character quality he displays.  It could be the fact that he works hard to provide for the family.  It could be a talent he has.  It could be the way you notice him submitting himself to God.

According to Raul, men desperately need this validation because most men feel like a failure much of the time.  In fact, my late husband described men as being a bit like dry bones in a desert, in desperate need of water.  Your words can provide water for those dry bones and breathe life back into your man!  Proverbs 16:24 puts it this way, “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”

Will you commit to finding something to affirm about your husband every day for the next 7 days?  Will you commit to actually telling him about the good you see?  He will soak up those words like a sponge, and it will bring life back into the dry bones of his spirit.

A hazard for high-achiever women!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Hello.  My name is Debbie Chavez, and I’m a list-aholic.  Yes, I admit it.  I love being super- organized, and I love “accomplishing” a lot every day.  It makes me feel good about myself.  In fact, my compulsion to accomplish tons of stuff everyday is so bad…..if I do something that was not on my list, I actually add it onto my list so that I can scratch it out! 

There is nothing wrong with completing many tasks each day, and there is certainly nothing wrong with being organized, but when we become a slave to our lists, we have a problem.  How about you?  Are you a list-acholic?  Here’s what I’ve been noticing lately.  When I become a slave to my to-do list, I am not a very peaceful woman.  I become a driven person, and I’m not flexible enough to respond to new situations or needs in my family.  Perhaps we need to meditate on the story of Mary and Martha in Luke 10:40-42.  Martha was busy bustling about with tasks, while Mary sat peacefully at the feet of Jesus.  Jesus gently rebuked Martha in verse 42 saying, “Martha, Martha…you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed, or indeed only one.  Mary has chosen what is better…”

So, maybe you and I should stop being neurotic about our lists!  I am still making a list each day, but unless something on that list is absolutely critical, I’m allowing myself to skip some of the items in order to respond to my family or friends if I can see that they could use my help or encouragement.  If you’re a wife, I believe this adjustment could make you more like the 1 Peter 3 wife.  She is described as having a “gentle and quiet spirit”.  I don’t think she could be quiet and peaceful if she was running around like a chicken with her head cut off!  She obviously wasn’t a slave to a long to-do-list.   The question is:  Do you need to re-evaluate your lists?

Beware of this marriage destroyer

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

From both personal experience and counseling wives in crisis, I can say with certainty that allowing resentment to go unchecked spells doom for a marriage!  Think about it.  If you are really upset with your husband about something, or really frustrated with him, or hurt by his behavior…do you respectfully discuss your feelings and concerns with him?  Do you courageously deal with the issue, or do you tend to stuff it under the rug, hoping things will just magically get better?

If you’re a conflict avoider, it’s so very easy to stuff instead of confront!  It FEELS safer and more peaceful to just hope that your husband changes his behavior.  That way you won’t have any tense moments and you won’t get in a “fight”.  Unfortunately, if you say nothing, nothing is likely to actually change.  Sometimes a husband doesn’t even know what his wife is upset about!  And here’s the real problem.  If you don’t address your resentment, it will grow bigger and bigger and bigger until you are likely to explode months or years down the line.  That resentment will have turned your heart cold and hard toward your husband, and you may end up saying those fateful words “I’m done”.  Don’t let it get this far!

Your husband needs you to calmly and respectfully explain why you are upset and what you are asking him to change.  He may disagree, but then you guys can talk about it.  Talk it through.  Ask the Holy Spirit to give you courage and the timing and the right words to bring up the concern with your husband…soon.  Seek a counselor’s help if you need to.  Just make sure you don’t let your resentment go unaddressed.  As Hebrews 12:15 say, “See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”   Don’t let a bitter root start growing that ends up causing big trouble!

Wives need this in marriage!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Marriage is not one continuous fairy tale.  Your husband is not perfect, and neither are you.  Therefore, you will experience times of disappointment, frustration, and even heartbreak.  The question is…what will you do during those “valley” times in your marriage?  How will you rally yourself and stay in the game?  Where can you find the motivation to fight for your marriage?

One powerful key to battling all the way through those valley times is to receive encouragement from other godly wives.  You NEED encouragement!  You NEED fellowship with other Jesus-seeking women. 

The enemy is constantly whispering discouragement to you.  He wants you to leave your husband.  He wants to destroy your family.  In John 10:10, Jesus says the enemy comes to “steal, kill and destroy“.  But we can counteract the enemy’s schemes by asking godly friends to speak truth to us.  Seek friendships with godly women who know the truth of God’s Word and who are encouragers.  Be an encourager in their lives as well. You might have to be the one to initiate this time together, but it’s worth it!  Ask a woman to coffee.  Ask another woman to be your prayer partner and make an appointment to pray weekly for each other over the phone or in person.

Hebrews 3:13 says, “But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.”  You need encouragement to stay in the battle!  It’s worth it.  Jesus has a good plan for your marriage.  He has come that you “may have life and have it abundantly.” (John 10:10)