wives

Are you catastrophizing husband?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Have you ever heard the word catastrophizing? It happens when a person fixates on the worst possible outcome and treats it as likely, even when it is not. Unfortunately, this often happens between a husband and a wife! Have you fallen into this dysfunctional and destructive trap yourself?
See if any of these patterns sound familiar. Do you often believe the worst about your husband’s intentions and motivations? Do you tend to take one failure or disappointment regarding your husband and then blow that up into a sweeping condemnation of him altogether? Do you tend to make negative assumptions about him? Do you fixate on your husband’s shortcomings or the ways he fails to meet your every desire? Do you believe he will let you down or disappoint you before he’s actually done so?! Then you have likely fallen prey to the common trap of “catastrophizing”! And you’re not alone. I, too, have fallen into this unhealthy way of thinking far too frequently.
Here’s the remedy for catastrophizing. The minute you find yourself going down that line of negative, fear-based, hopeless path of thinking about your husband, immediately catch yourself, and hit reverse! In that moment, switch gears and start mentally tallying the good qualities of your husband. It’s amazing how your feelings toward your husband will instantaneously change as you start focusing on the positive qualities he has (or even the bad things he does NOT do). This is the essence of God’s instruction to us in Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Understanding the male brain

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I had an interesting conversation with my husband Mark recently. I asked him “What is something you think women should know about men that they generally don’t understand?” This led to a long discussion about the differences between the wiring of a man’s brain and a woman’s brain. His answer was rather surprising and interesting. If I can summarize correctly, Mark said that most men look at a problem or task and quickly process the most efficient and best way to tackle it, while women can often take a while to deliberate and talk about all the different possible solutions. He went on to say that a man’s brain is wired to think of logical ways to address problems with as little extra work as possible.
This made me realize that a little way we can bless our husbands is to ask them for their input when we have a task or problem to solve, and then to heed their advice! This means we will have to tell our pride to take a hike!
I think most women, if you’re like me, would take offense if my husband told me the “right way” to do something. However, I’m thinking that maybe, just maybe, I would be wise to listen to my husband’s advice. Two Bible verses come to mind.
Proverbs 12:15 Fools think their own way is right, but the wise listen to others.
1 Peter 5:5-6 “Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble'”
Additionally, what a blessing it would be to my husband if I stuffed my pride and asked for his input and advice regarding a task or problem. He would likely feel greatly respected by me. Your husband would too.

** or view this topic as a 2 minute VIDEO BELOW

Odd tip for a great marriage!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I’m going to give you the oddest, most counter-intuitive tip for your marriage. You’re not going to want to hear this tip, let alone do it! However, I urge you to give it a chance; maybe even do an experiment and try it for a few weeks straight. I learned in my marriage to Raul that this tip was powerful and transformative, and it drew my husband’s heart to me. Here is the tip, and it is a Biblical principle: Die to self. I know. I told you it was counter-intuitive! In short, this principle could be summed up like this: It isn’t all about me!
• Luke 9:23 And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.”
• 1 Corinthians 10:24 No one should seek their own good, but the good of others.
• Philippians 2:3-4 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.
Here’s what I know. When I focus on myself, and what I want, and what I think I need, and how the people in my life aren’t making me happy or perfectly meeting my needs….I grow depressed and resentful. I become an irritable, sour-faced woman! No one, including a husband, wants to be around that!! But, if I focus on serving God, responding to his prompts on loving and serving others….I feel fulfilled and joyful. In marriage, if you focus on being a blessing to your husband, his heart is drawn to you and your heart, believe it or not, is drawn to him. The marriage grows stronger! By the way, being a blessing to your husband can mean many things. It can mean being kind even though he’s in a bad mood from a stressful day…or getting up early to make him a great breakfast even though you’re headed off to work too…or lovingly and respectfully asking him to seek help if he has a personal problem that is spiraling out of control.
Try it for a few weeks. Ask God every morning to help you die to self-centeredness and ask Him for direction on how to be a blessing to your husband this day. Let me know how it goes!

Words your husband needs to hear

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Many powerful and influential male leaders have attributed much of the reason for their success to their wives. Billy Graham is one of those leaders. When his wife died in 2007, he told reporters “My work through the years would have been impossible without her encouragement and support.”

Your husband needs your encouragement and esteem in order to have the boldness and confidence to accomplish great things. In Genesis 2:18, God makes it clear that women were created because men need help. God said “It is not good for man to be alone. I will create a helper suitable for him.” That helper is you, and one of the biggest ways you can help your husband is by encouraging him with your words.

With that in mind, here are 10 words/phrases that your man longs to hear from you:

  1. I need you
  2. Thank you for taking such good care of me
  3. I’m so proud to be your wife
  4. You have a good heart
  5. I believe in you
  6. You’re so strong
  7. I know you can do it
  8. You’re a good provider
  9. I trust you
  10. You’re a good man

Words a wife should not say!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Husbands battle the world every day at their jobs. Co-workers stab them in the back. Other men put them down in order to look more important. The culture tells your man he is a failure if he doesn’t own a Tesla and he can’t dunk like LeBron James.

So when your man comes home to you, the last thing he needs is to feel like a failure in your eyes too. However, our words often unintentionally communicate just that! Perhaps this is why God felt it necessary to actually instruct wives in Ephesians 5:33 that “the wife must respect her husband”.

Even if your husband has disappointed you, you can still be respectful as you address his behavior, request changes, and establish boundaries. However, if you condemn him and belittle him in that moment of disappointment, you shred his heart. As a result, he will likely turn his heart away from you, self-medicate his pain in destructive ways, or simply stop trying to be a good man since you don’t see anything good in him anyway!

With the need to respect your husband in mind, here are 12 words you should never say to your man:

  1. You always….(insert complaint)
  2. You never… (insert complaint)
  3. Why don’t you ever…?
  4. I don’t respect you
  5. I feel like your mother
  6. If people only knew what you are really like
  7. You don’t make enough money
  8. How many times do I have to tell you…?
  9. That’s not the right way to do it
  10. I don’t need you
  11. I’ll never be able to trust you
  12. You’re a jerk

Marriage lessons from a dog!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Have you ever noticed how a man loves his dog? Maybe it’s partly because the dog is clearly devoted to his man and shows it by jumping around with giddy delight the moment his man walks in the door. Maybe it’s because the dog is his loyal companion. Maybe it’s because the dog seems to just accept his man, despite his flaws and isn’t bent on criticizing his every move. 

I can’t help but think wives could learn something from a man’s dog. (Yes, I’m saying this a bit tongue in cheek, but maybe a bit seriously too!) What if you, as a wife, rushed to the door and greeted your husband with love and excitement, just as a dog greets its owner when he comes in the door at the end of the work day? What if you, as a wife, were as eager to please as a man’s dog? What if you were as much a faithful companion to your husband as dogs are for their owners? What if you, like a lap dog, made it a practice of snuggling up close, without talking? The Bible actually has something to say about that. In 1 Peter 3:1, God says that “husbands may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives.” Hmmm. That’s something to ponder. Yep, perhaps there are a few lessons to learn from “a man’s best friend”….

This will make him feel respected

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

If you’ve spent plenty of time reading the New Testament (or if you’ve read many of my devotionals), you probably already know that the Bible has a very clear instruction to wives about respect. God’s instruction is very concise and to the point in Ephesians 5:33. God simply says, “the wife must respect her husband”.
However, two concerns often arise when a wife thinks about this instruction. First, many wives shrug off this command because they don’t feel respect for their husband. But the Bible verse says nothing about waiting to “feel” respect. It simply tells wives to carry out the action verb of respect! In other words, a wife can choose to act respectfully toward her husband, and she can do this even if she’s establishing a boundary on sinful behavior.
The second concern that arises from this instruction is how to show respect to your husband. We aren’t men, so we don’t know what comes across as respectful versus disrespectful. I’ve learned that many things communicate respect to a man, but let me share just one easy thing you can do. Ask your husband’s advice on something and then actually follow his advice! It’s so simple, yet so powerful!
I did this the other day. I was trying to craft a text to a relative regarding something rather sensitive and I wanted to be diplomatic. Then I remembered to ask my husband for advice, and he actually provided a good insight! In addition to that, I know he felt respected. When you ask for your husband’s advice, you’re basically communicating that you think he has a brain and has something valuable to offer. That makes him feel esteemed and respected. Try it.

** or view this topic as a 2 minute VIDEO BELOW

Remaining beautiful to your husband

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Here are three things I learned over my many years of marriage to my late husband Raul (any my new marriage to Mark) about becoming a beautiful wife in the eyes of my husband, regardless of the aging process. **For those of you who are new to this devotional, both Mark and I lost our spouses to illness, and as a widower and widow, God brought us together in marriage in 2023!

1) Put effort into looking your best for your husband, just like you did when you were dating him! There are many healthy decisions you must choose to make on a daily basis so that you can look your best. For instance, build into your schedule a 30 minute walking or bike-riding time perhaps 4 days a week. Even if you have young children, there is a way to make this work. Put the kids in a stroller or have them ride their bike with you.

2) Shed insecurity and choose to have a confident attitude about your appearance and value. My late husband told me several times that a woman’s confidence is VERY attractive to men. Flirt with your husband. Give him some playful, sexy, sass! He will find that quite attractive, whether or not you have a poofy abdomen following childbirth or wrinkles on your face! I’m over 60 years old, and I’m still doing this in my new marriage to Mark. Guess what? It works!! 😊

3) Embrace 1 Peter 3:4 which tells wives their beauty comes from a “gentle and quiet spirit”. When I asked Raul what this verse means, he said it means that a wife is FOR her husband and not fighting him every step of the way. It means she interacts with her husband in a peaceful way and treats her husband with respect, even if she needs to confront him about a problem behavior.

Every wife wants to remain beautiful to her husband. So, ask God to grow you in self-control, confidence, peacefulness, and respect for your man.

How your mood affects husband

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I realized the most interesting thing one day several years ago in my marriage! I was having one of those super frustrating days, where everything seems to be going wrong. It was the kind of frustrating day where you desperately want the cathartic release of smashing china dishes against the wall! Am I the only one who has ever felt that way? 🙂
Anyway, my husband walked into the house to discover a wife who was steaming from everything that had gone wrong that day. Then something strange happened. He got visibly agitated over my state of frustration. It really bothered him that I was upset. My bad mood became contagious!! He could not be at peace because I was not at peace. It reminded me that our husbands really do want their wives to be content and at peace. In fact, 1 Peter 3 tells wives to strive for the “unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit”. Hmmm. Interesting. So, how do we get this peacefulness, even in frustrating circumstances? The Bible tells us contentment comes when we trust in God, lean into God, and ask for His power to carry us! Philippians 4:13 says ” I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”
So, I began refusing to allow the frustrating moments of life to sour my mood. I began laughing off Satan’s attempts to goad me into being irritable and sharp with everyone around me. I pivoted to God in those challenging moments and asked Him to strengthen me, equip me, and give me His peace. Interestingly, when I started choosing to trust God to carry me during those frustrating moments in life, not only did I become peaceful and content, but I enjoyed the unexpected benefit of my husband and those around me becoming more peaceful too!

Beauty tip for non-super models!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Most women are totally insecure about their bodies. Our thighs are too big. Our breasts are too small. The list of insecurities goes on and on. The problem only gets worse after we’ve had children! Stretch marks. The extra poof of your abdomen that never seems to go away. Sagging boobs after you’ve stopped breast feeding. You know what I’m talking about! It’s kind of difficult to feel sexy around your husband.

But I’m going to challenge you to change your outlook. Yes, we do need to do what we can to be attractive. If we need to drop 50 lbs, we need to work on that. If we need to exercise to tone up the flab, we need to work on that. However, once we make a reasonable effort to look our best, our attitude changes the rest! You’ve got to rock what you’ve got! Think sexy! View yourself as sexy when you’re with your husband. Be spunky and playful and maybe even a little bit sassy with him. Don’t be ashamed of your body. Your confidence in who you are will be very sexy to him! In Proverbs 23:7, the Bible says “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.” In other words, when you start viewing yourself as sexy and attractive to your husband, you will become sexy and attractive to him!

Are you familiar with the actress Queen Latifah? She’s not thin at all. In fact, she’s probably carrying an extra 30 or 40 lbs. But she’s viewed as sexy because she has that feisty, confident attitude that basically says “I know I’m sexy”. You can do it too. Rock what you’ve got!