wives

Oddest tip for a vibrant marriage!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I’m going to give you the oddest, most counter-intuitive tip for your marriage.  You’re not going to want to hear this tip, let alone do it!  However, I urge you to give it a chance; maybe even do an experiment and try it for a few weeks straight.  I learned in my marriage to Raul that this tip was powerful and transformative, and it drew my husband’s heart to me.  Here is the tip, and it is a Biblical principle:  Die to self.  I know. I told you it was counter-intuitive!  In short, this principle could be summed up like this:  It isn’t all about me! 

  • Luke 9:23 And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.”  
  • 1 Corinthians 10:24  No one should seek their own good, but the good of others. 
  • Philippians 2:3-4 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Here’s what I know.  When I focus on myself, and what I want, and what I think I need, and how the people in my life aren’t making me happy or perfectly meeting my needs….I grow depressed and resentful.  I become an irritable, sour-faced woman!  No one, including a husband, wants to be around that!!  But, if I focus on serving God, responding to his prompts on loving and serving others….I feel fulfilled and joyful.  In marriage, if you focus on being a blessing to your husband, his heart is drawn to you and your heart, believe it or not, is drawn to him. The marriage grows stronger!  By the way, being a blessing to your husband can mean many things.  It can mean being kind even though he’s in a bad mood from a stressful day…or getting up early to make him a great breakfast even though you’re headed off to work too…or lovingly and respectfully asking him to seek help if he has a personal problem that is spiraling out of control. 

Try it for a few weeks.  Ask God every morning to help you die to self-centeredness and ask Him for direction on how to be a blessing to your husband this day.  Let me know how it goes!

Words a wife should never say!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Husbands battle the world every day at their jobs.  Co-workers stab them in the back.  Other men put them down in order to look more important.  The culture tells your man he is a failure if he doesn’t own a Tesla and he can’t dunk like LeBron James.

So when your man comes home to you, the last thing he needs is to feel like a failure in your eyes too.  However, our words often unintentionally communicate just that!  Perhaps this is why God felt it necessary to actually instruct wives in Ephesians 5:33 that “the wife must respect her husband”. 

Even if your husband has disappointed you, you can still be respectful as you address his behavior, request changes, and establish boundaries.  However, if you condemn him and belittle him in that moment of disappointment, you shred his heart.  As a result, he will likely turn his heart away from you, self-medicate his pain in destructive ways, or simply stop trying to be a good man since you don’t see anything good in him anyway!

With the need to respect your husband in mind, here are 12 words you should never say to your man:

  1. You always….(insert complaint)
  2. You never… (insert complaint)
  3. Why don’t you ever…?
  4. I don’t respect you
  5. I feel like your mother
  6. If people only knew what you are really like
  7. You don’t make enough money
  8. How many times do I have to tell you…?
  9. That’s not the right way to do it
  10. I don’t need you
  11. I’ll never be able to trust you
  12. You’re a jerk

Take a marriage lesson from you dog!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Have you ever noticed how a man loves his dog?  Maybe it’s partly because the dog is clearly devoted to his man and shows it by jumping around with giddy delight the moment his man walks in the door.  Maybe it’s because the dog is his loyal companion.  Maybe it’s because the dog seems to just accept his man, despite his flaws and isn’t bent on criticizing his every move. J   

I can’t help but think wives could learn something from a man’s dog. (Yes, I’m saying this a bit tongue in cheek, but maybe a bit seriously too!)  What if you, as a wife, rushed to the door and greeted your husband with love and excitement, just as a dog greets its owner when he comes in the door at the end of the work day?  What if you, as a wife, were as eager to please as a man’s dog?  What if you were as much a faithful companion to your husband as dogs are for their owners?  What if you, like a lap dog, made it a practice of snuggling up close, without talking?  The Bible actually has something to say about that.  In 1 Peter 3:1, God says that “husbands may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives.”  Hmmm.  That’s something to ponder.  Yep, perhaps there are a few lessons to learn from “a man’s best friend”….

Becoming a confident wife

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Do you lack confidence in handling disrespectful or sinful behavior by your husband (or boyfriend)?  If so, there are some common reasons.  Perhaps you avoid conflict because you grew up in a home filled with rage and verbal abuse.  Maybe you’re so insecure about your own worth that you can’t stand up for yourself if your husband is treating your poorly.  However, you need to recognize this truth.  If you remain insecure and scared of confrontation, it’s likely nothing will ever change in your marriage.  You’ll keep getting what you’re getting right now.

There is a solution.  First, ask God to give you courage to confront any sinful behavior in your marriage.  He will be glad to answer that prayer! Throughout the Bible, God continually tells his people to be strong and courageous.  In fact in Joshua 1:9, God says “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”  Helpful hint:  When I need courage, I ask God’s Holy Spirit to be the one who actually does the confrontation.  I ask Him to simply use me as his mouthpiece.

If insecurity is the issue for you, then ask God to reveal your true worth and identity in His eyes.  Meditating on what God says in Zephaniah 3:17 is a good place to start.  He says, “The Lord your God is with you.  He is mighty to save.  He will take great delight in you.  He will quiet you with His love.  He will rejoice over you with singing.”  In addition, take a moment to close your eyes and ask God to speak one word into your mind about how He views you.  You will likely be amazed at the loving, encouraging word He has for you.  You may hear the word “beautiful” or “chosen” or “adorable” or “strong”….

Remaining beautiful to your husband

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Here are three things I learned over my many years of marriage to my late husband Raul (and my new marriage to Mark) about becoming a beautiful wife in the eyes of my husband, regardless of the aging process.  **For those of you who are new to this devotional, both Mark and I lost our spouses to illness, and as a widower and widow, God brought us together in marriage in 2023!

1)  Put effort into looking your best for your husband, just like you did when you were dating him!  There are many healthy decisions you must choose to make on a daily basis so that you can look your best.  For instance, build into your schedule a 30 minute walking or bike-riding time perhaps 4 days a week.  Even if you have young children, there is a way to make this work. Put the kids in a stroller or have them ride their bike with you.

2) Shed insecurity and choose to have a confident attitude about your appearance and value.  My late husband told me several times that a woman’s confidence is VERY attractive to men.  Flirt with your husband.  Give him some playful, sexy, sass!  He will find that quite attractive, whether or not you have a poofy abdomen following childbirth or wrinkles on your face!  I’m over 60 years old, and I’m still doing this in my new marriage to Mark.  Guess what?  It works!! 😊

3) Embrace 1 Peter 3:4 which tells wives their beauty comes from a “gentle and quiet spirit”.  When I asked Raul what this verse means, he said it means that a wife is FOR her husband and not fighting him every step of the way.  It means she interacts with her husband in a peaceful way and treats her husband with respect, even if she needs to confront him about a problem behavior.

Every wife wants to remain beautiful to her husband.  So, ask God to grow you in self-control, confidence, peacefulness, and respect for your man.

Is your husband happy to see you?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Who does your husband encounter when he walks through the door at the end of the day?  Is he happy to be greeted by a warm, gentle, loving wife…or does he encounter a “drip”? Who wants to be considered a “drip”?  That’s not very flattering!  However, the Bible assigns that label to a wife who is always complaining and criticizing and arguing.  Proverbs 27:15 says “A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm.”  Uh-oh.  Could that label belong to you?

I’m not saying that you should sweep any sinful behavior by your husband under the rug.  So don’t get the wrong impression that you must never confront immoral or destructive behavior in your marriage. If your husband is engaged in a pattern of actual sin against you, follow the instructions of Jesus in Matthew 18:15-17 and seek godly counsel.   What I am saying is that we need to be careful that we don’t become a constant critic of our husband!  No man wants to come home to that.

Did you know that anonymous surveys of men reveal that most guys are actually very insecure and fear failure most every day?  What they need from their wives is encouragement, not complaints and criticism.  Make a commitment to find something good about your husband every day this week and then tell him how much you appreciate those good qualities.  Use a gentle and loving voice when you talk with him.  He will actually enjoy being around you!  Let’s be an “anti-drip”!!

Beauty tips for non-supermodels!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Most women are totally insecure about their bodies.  Our thighs are too big.  Our breasts are too small.  The list of insecurities goes on and on.  The problem only gets worse after we’ve had children!  Stretch marks.  The extra poof of your abdomen that never seems to go away.  Sagging boobs after you’ve stopped breast feeding.  You know what I’m talking about!  It’s kind of difficult to feel sexy around your husband.

But I’m going to challenge you to change your outlook.  Yes, we do need to do what we can to be attractive.  If we need to drop 50 lbs, we need to work on that. If we need to exercise to tone up the flab, we need to work on that.  However, once we make a reasonable effort to look our best, our attitude changes the rest!  You’ve got to rock what you’ve got!  Think sexy!  View yourself as sexy when you’re with your husband.  Be spunky and playful and maybe even a little bit sassy with him.  Don’t be ashamed of your body.  Your confidence in who you are will be very sexy to him!  In Proverbs 23:7, the Bible says “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.”  In other words, when you start viewing yourself as sexy and attractive to your husband, you will become sexy and attractive to him!

Are you familiar with the actress Queen Latifah?  She’s not thin at all.  In fact, she’s probably carrying an extra 30 or 40 lbs.  But she’s viewed as sexy because she has that feisty, confident attitude that basically says “I know I’m sexy”.  You can do it too.  Rock what you’ve got!

Key Bible guidance for wives & moms

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I’m rather slow to learn some lessons in life and as a wife.  One of the things I wish I had realized earlier is that it is entirely too easy for a mom to get so focused on nurturing her children that she subconsciously pushes her husband aside.  In fact, in my first marriage, I remember thinking to myself…”My husband is an adult so he can take care of himself.  It’s my kids who really need all my attention.”  Not good thinking!

Of course, moms need to take care of their children’s needs, and we do need to spend time nurturing and disciplining them.  However, our children can become idols in our life. When our world revolves around our kids’ successes and failures…and on their activities and their schedule…well, then we’ve made our children into idols.  When anyone or anything besides God becomes our focus in life, then it has become our idol and our god.  One of the big 10 commandments addresses this!  Exodus 20:3 “You shall have no other gods before me.”

One of the casualties of this idolizing of our kids is our husbands.  The bizarre thing is that the very children we were determined to protect end up severely wounded as mom and dad become distant, begin to argue, and often end up divorcing each other.  Don’t let this happen to you.  Be intentional about spending quality time with both your husband and your children.  Even more important than that, spend quality time with God.  He must truly be your number one focus in life!

This one choice could change your marriage

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I wonder what would happen if you asked God to transform your character into His character and then you actually began striving to display His character in your marriage?  I bet your marriage would begin to thrive!

God describes His own character in Psalm 103:8, where the Bible says “The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.”   Even just pressing into one of those 4 qualities could make a huge impact in your marriage.  What if you started displaying grace toward your man?  Grace simply means giving someone undeserved favor and loving kindness.

I’m not saying you should ignore destructive patterns of sin in your husband’s life.  However, I am recommending that you work to extend kindness to your husband even when they’ve annoyed you or disappointed you in small ways.  In fact, what if you were to extend grace by choosing to believe that he didn’t mean to disappoint you?  What if you were to give him the benefit of the doubt?  Extending that kind of grace could change your whole attitude toward your husband…and could draw his heart toward you!

Perhaps, we could sum it up this way. The appreciated wife leaves a fragrance, not an odor!

A core need of most husbands

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Men are wired differently than women.  Duh!  Most wives know that husbands have a deep need for respect.  You probably also know that most husbands desire a vibrant sex life!  But most husbands also have a third core need.  One of the ways most men differ from us is that, instead of sitting and talking about their feelings and deepest longings, they like to do stuff.  You may not realize it, but most husbands really want their wives to do stuff with them!  They want to spend time with you. Their 3rd core need is your companionship.

This is really made apparent way back at the creation of the world.  Right after God created man, He said in Genesis 2:18, “It’s not good for man to be alone.  I will create a helper suitable for him.”  God knew Adam needed companionship!

Make it a point this week to show some interest in joining your husband in one of his hobbies or activities or even one of his errands.  Does he like to golf?  I bet he would love for you to go with him and watch him, or have him give you a lesson on how to play golf if you don’t already know.  Does he like to hike?  Take a hike with him.  Does he like to tinker with fixing up old cars?  Sit and watch him and ask if he can explain what he’s doing.  Maybe you can hand him a tool as he works.  Does he need to pick up some paint at a home improvement store?  Ask if you can tag along.

Bonus:  You’ll likely find that as you’re doing something together, men find it easier to talk to you!  Look forward to some actual conversations.  🙂