wired

Understanding your guy’s wiring

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I know the Declaration of Independence says “all men are created equal”, and it is true that all humans are equally important.  However, I have learned that not all men are exactly the same!

In my marriage to my late husband Raul, God had me launch a ministry that focused quite a bit on providing Bible guidance for wives.  In the process, I began pressing into my role as my husband’s “helper” as referenced in Genesis 2:18.  I realized that in order to be a help and blessing to him, I really needed to figure out what actually made him tick and what he needed from me.  After studying him and asking him questions along this line, I discovered that he REALLY needed verbal affirmation from me and he desperately desired my respect.  When I helped him by doing those things, he began to flourish even more.  He became a better version of himself, and he often told me how much my affirmation and respect meant to him.

Fast forward following my husband’s untimely death, the Lord saw fit to bring a widower into my life and we actually got married in 2023!  I, of course, thought that I had my role as a wife and helper all figured out for this new husband.  Wrong!  I’m learning that the things that my late husband needed and wanted from me are not at all the same as what my new husband desires.  They are different men. Duh! 

This brought to mind Philippians 2:3-4, which says, “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

Are you looking to your husband’s interests?  Don’t make the same mistake I did, thinking that all husbands basically want the same things from their wife.  Each man is a little different.  This means we need to be a student of our husbands.  Study what makes your husband tick, what lights him up, what seems to be meaningful to him, what actions or words appear to be a blessing to him.  Then do those things!  Your husband will so appreciate you. 😊

Husbands need time to process!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Have you ever noticed a blank look on your husband’s face when you suddenly bring up a heavy topic, voice a frustration, or ask him to change a behavior? Or does your husband seem to get defensive very quickly in those moments? I’m discovering that the reason for the blank look or the immediate defensiveness is because a man thinks differently than a woman!

Women process thoughts, ideas and feelings at lightning speed. We are ready to engage in a deep conversation at the drop of a hat. We can verbalize how we feel instantaneously! Men, on the other hand, need time to process their thoughts and feelings. So…..when we suddenly bring up a deep topic, or state how we feel, or ask them to make a change in behavior, or heaven forbid, ask them how they feel, our men become like the proverbial “deer in the headlights”! Often they default to the blank look on the face or they become defensive because they feel pressured to do or say something, and they haven’t yet had a chance to think things through.

Here’s what I learned to do. I learned to bring up a concern or state my feelings on an issue and then let my husband have some breathing room to process it. I learned to say “let’s talk more about this later after you’ve had a chance to think about it.” Most men need some space to process their thoughts and feelings. Maybe this is a good opportunity for us to practice patience! Ponder these two Proverbs. Proverbs 19:11 “A person’s wisdom yields patience…” Proverbs 14:29 “Whoever is patient has great understanding….”

Understanding the male brain

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I had an interesting conversation with my husband Mark recently. I asked him “What is something you think women should know about men that they generally don’t understand?” This led to a long discussion about the differences between the wiring of a man’s brain and a woman’s brain. His answer was rather surprising and interesting. If I can summarize correctly, Mark said that most men look at a problem or task and quickly process the most efficient and best way to tackle it, while women can often take a while to deliberate and talk about all the different possible solutions. He went on to say that a man’s brain is wired to think of logical ways to address problems with as little extra work as possible.
This made me realize that a little way we can bless our husbands is to ask them for their input when we have a task or problem to solve, and then to heed their advice! This means we will have to tell our pride to take a hike!
I think most women, if you’re like me, would take offense if my husband told me the “right way” to do something. However, I’m thinking that maybe, just maybe, I would be wise to listen to my husband’s advice. Two Bible verses come to mind.
Proverbs 12:15 Fools think their own way is right, but the wise listen to others.
1 Peter 5:5-6 “Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble'”
Additionally, what a blessing it would be to my husband if I stuffed my pride and asked for his input and advice regarding a task or problem. He would likely feel greatly respected by me. Your husband would too.

** or view this topic as a 2 minute VIDEO BELOW

Be a student of your husband!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I know the Declaration of Independence says “all men are created equal”, and it is true that all humans are equally important.  However, I have learned that not all men are exactly the same!

In my marriage to my late husband Raul, God had me launch a ministry that focused quite a bit on providing Bible guidance for wives.  In the process, I began pressing into my role as my husband’s “helper” as referenced in Genesis 2:18.  I realized that in order to be a help and blessing to him, I really needed to figure out what actually made him tick and what he needed from me.  After studying him and asking him questions along this line, I discovered that he REALLY needed verbal affirmation from me and he desperately desired my respect.  When I helped him by doing those things, he began to flourish even more.  He became a better version of himself, and he often told me how much my affirmation and respect meant to him.

Fast forward following my husband’s untimely death, the Lord saw fit to bring a widower into my life and we actually got married just over a year ago!  I, of course, thought that I had my role as a wife and helper all figured out for this new husband.  Wrong!  I’m learning that the things that my late husband needed and wanted from me are not at all the same as what my new husband desires.  They are different men. Duh! 

This brought to mind Philippians 2:3-4, which says, “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

Are you looking to your husband’s interests?  Don’t make the same mistake I did, thinking that all husbands basically want the same things from their wife.  Each man is a little different.  This means we need to be a student of our husbands.  Study what makes your husband tick, what lights him up, what seems to be meaningful to him, what actions or words appear to be a blessing to him.  Then do those things!  Your husband will so appreciate you. 😊

Do this before advising husband

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

A wife’s words are so impactful!  I have written devotionals in the past about the power of pausing during a heated conversation with our men so that we refrain from responding with words that are harsh or mean….something we’ll likely regret later.  Well, there’s also another reason to pause.  As women, we need to pause before we offer casual bits of advice or “wisdom” to our husbands.

I don’t think we realize how our guys are greatly influenced by us!   We might think they aren’t really paying that much attention to a casual suggestion we toss out, but often they are.  In fact, many husbands in the Bible were greatly influenced by something their wives said, and the wives rarely had good advice!  I think especially of Sarah telling Abraham to sleep with her servant in order for him to have a son, since she was getting impatient waiting for God to fulfill his promise to give her children! Read the story in Genesis 16:1-4 and you will find out Sarah’s decision didn’t turn out so well!

So, let’s think twice before we offer a morsel of our brilliant counsel during a conversation with our men.  I remember so clearly a time I did that several years ago with my husband and he immediately acted upon it.  I hadn’t really even thought it through, let alone prayed about it. It wasn’t actually a good suggestion that I tossed out at him carelessly!  Thankfully, there was no harm done, but it got me to thinking about the need to really pause and pray about any suggestions or counsel I decide to pass on to my husband.  How about you?

** or view this topic as a 2 minute VIDEO BELOW