wife

Signs that you are codependent

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Can a Christian woman be too helpful?  Can she be too nice?  I believe the answer is yes.  When we are so “nice” that we enable our husband or adult children to act irresponsibly or to stay immature, we are being too nice.  And many of us fit this description.  We are too helpful.  We are codependent.  We train our loved ones to be dependent on us, instead of God.  We train them to rely on us to do things for them that they should really do themselves as responsible adults.  Often, we also train them to expect us to bail them out of the natural consequences of their foolish or sinful decisions. 

Why are many women codependent?  We become codependent when we subconsciously depend on others to meet a deep emotional need of our own, such as feeling loved, secure, or important.  Instead of looking to the Lord for love, security and significance, we exhaust ourselves trying to get people to meet those needs. Then, because we pin all our hopes on these people, we MUST cater to them in order to keep them in the relationship with us.  We fear that our “source” of love and security will leave us or withdraw their love if we don’t cater to them.  We start walking on eggshells.  We bend over backwards to keep them happy because we fear losing them.  However, the Bible says in Proverbs 29:25  “Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.”

Now, I’m not saying that we shouldn’t be loving and kind.  Of course, we should.  However, we go too far when our “kindness” enables immature and irresponsible and even sinful behavior in others.  We go too far when we try to spare our loved ones from consequences and when we carry their responsibilities. We go too far when we become neurotic people-pleasers in the relationship just so the other person is more likely to make us feel better about ourselves!    

Here are 2 questions you can ask yourself today:

1) Are my actions preventing my husband or children from becoming mature and responsible?

2) Am I expecting my husband or child to meet my deepest emotional needs or am I seeking a deeper relationship with the Lord to meet those needs?

Husbands need space before talking

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I know you’re wondering what I mean when I recommend “giving your husband space”.  So, let me complete the sentence.  Give your husband space….to talk! 

If you’re like most women, you tend to verbalize your thoughts and ideas very quickly.  You probably expect your husband to do the same.  However, most men are not wired like that.  When asked a question about their idea or thought on a subject, most men take a bit to respond.  Here is the problem. Women ask their husband for their input or thoughts on a subject, but then we generally only pause for about 2 seconds before jumping right back in to give our thoughts instead of waiting for our husbands to form and verbalize their response!  I know I battle this tendency!  I know women who even talk FOR their husband when other people ask HIM a question.  Good grief.  I wonder if our failure to pause and give room for our men to answer causes our husbands to shut down their hearts to us. 

James 1:19 is a good reminder for us all. “Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.”  And here is another guiding verse for all wives.  Proverbs 18:13 “To answer before listening—  that is folly and shame.”

So, the next time you ask your husband for his input or his thoughts on something, be patient and WAIT for his reply.  You might find that he actually enjoys talking with you when two people get to be involved in the conversation instead of just one!

Little things can draw husband’s heart

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

You want a quick and easy way to show respect to your husband and improve your marriage?  Just notice a few small things your husband seems to appreciate and then…..do them!  What a concept!  I mean, why wouldn’t a wife want to please her husband?  Why wouldn’t a wife want to be kind and thoughtful?  Colossians 3:12 tells us “as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.”  So, if you could do just a couple things differently, in a way that your husband prefers, why wouldn’t you extend that kindness to him?

Let me give you some examples.  My late husband Raul always insisted that if we loaded the dishwasher in a certain way, it cleaned the silverware better.  (I didn’t think it made any difference!).  But, I did it the way he liked…because it pleased him.  I knew my husband loved it when I left a little note of encouragement for him on the kitchen counter at least once a week.  So, I intentionally did that every week.  I knew my husband really appreciated a clean kitchen counter, so I tried to keep the counters tidy. Why wouldn’t I want to please him in such a small way?  I’m not saying a wife should have no opinion and should simply be a doormat for her husband.  But I think God would be pleased if we stopped only thinking of ourselves and started thinking a little more about blessing others…in this case, your husband!

How about you?  Could you intentionally take note of a few things your husband really appreciates, and then actually do some of those things?  It would make him feel respected.  It would draw his heart to you. It would likely improve your marriage.  Sometimes, it’s the little things…

Refresh your marriage with quiet moments

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I learned something when the covid pandemic started in spring of 2020.  When the stay-at-home orders first hit, my late husband Raul and I had nothing better to do in the early hours of the morning than pull up 2 chairs in front of the fireplace and start quietly talking about God, family, priorities, hopes, fears and dreams.  We held our cups of coffee and talked for 30 or 40 minutes as night gave way to dawn.  Sometimes we talked. Sometimes we’d enjoy quiet moments of just being together.  It was…special.  It was intimate.  It was bonding. It was precious.

After the main lock-down ended, we engaged in that kind of special moment from time to time, but with no real regularity.  Life got busy again.  We both went to work, and we picked up the rapid pace of life once again. 

But one day about a year later, I realized we had lost those precious, quiet moments together. So, I decided to be more intentional.  Good things don’t usually happen unless we put in a little effort!  So, even though it was a little chilly on a May morning in Bellingham, WA, I told my husband I’d love to join him for a sunrise chat in our backyard as birds were beginning to chirp and the sun was beginning its slow rise for the morning.  It was beautiful.  It was peaceful.  It was quiet.  We had a soft and lovely conversation, sitting there bundled in jackets and enjoying the first rays of sunshine on our faces.  It reminded me that Jesus told his followers to seek out a quiet place from time to time because their soul needed that rest and refreshment.  Mark 6:31 And he said to them, “Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while.”

I encourage you to think about carving out time for a peaceful, quiet, morning conversation with your husband.  I think you will find it is bonding.  I know it will refresh your marriage.

Managing your beauty & allure

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

While reading the Bible in recent days, I have stumbled upon several women who had tremendous influence over their husbands, but who, unfortunately, used that influence to satisfy their own selfish desires.  It reminded me that, as women, we have a powerful allure with men.  God wired men to be extremely attracted to the female body.  This is awesome when you use that attraction to stay bonded to your husband and when you use that attraction with pure motives.  Unfortunately, wives don’t always do that.

We can learn what NOT to do from a few women in the Bible.  Two that come to mind are Delilah and the daughter of Herodias.  Delilah’s story is in Judges 16.  The mighty man Samson is so intoxicated with the beauty of Delilah that he finally gives in to her badgering about the source of his power and he tells her his secret.  The result?  He loses his power, his eyes are gouged out by the enemy, and this once mighty man of God becomes completely ineffective.

The daughter of Herodias is featured in Mark 6.  She is beautiful and dances erotically for King Herod.  He is so enthralled with her that he becomes stupid!  He offers her anything she wants…up to half his kingdom!!  She ends up asking for the head of John the Baptist.  The result?  A mighty man of God, the messenger who paved the way for Jesus Christ, is killed.

Ladies, let’s be careful to wisely use the powerful sex appeal God has given us.  You might find it exciting to turn men’s heads by wearing tight or revealing clothes in public, but think twice before you do that.  You may destroy another woman’s marriage.  You might think it’s cool that you can manipulate your husband through what you do or don’t offer him sexually.  Think twice before you do that too.  You may end up destroying your man and your own marriage.

Reasonable boundaries in the bedroom

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Insist on being yourself in the bedroom, ladies!  What do I mean by that? Well, unfortunately, I frequently hear stories from women about how their husbands are asking them to do increasingly bizarre things in the bedroom.  Their guys want them to perform rather perverse sex acts, or dress like a stripper and do a pole dance, or dress like a dominatrix with whips and chains.

Why are many husbands asking these things of their wives?  It’s likely because they’ve seen such stuff in pornography and they’re trying to replicate it with you!  I don’t know about you, but I don’t think this is ok.  Does it seem right that your husband would use you to try to recreate a fantasy featuring another woman he saw on a porn site?  At that point, your husband isn’t even making love to you.  It’s only about the sex act and you’re just playing a role.

The Bible instructs husbands in 1 Peter 3:7 “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”  It is not respectful for your husband to ask you to play the role of some fantasy character from a porn site!  I believe it’s right for you to insist that you get to be yourself in the bedroom.  Yes, as a wife, you can wear sexy lingerie and be adventurous and playful in the bedroom, but let’s agree that a wife should be herself, and not play some fantasy role of a high school cheerleader or dominatrix!  That’s my take on the subject. What do you think?

Are you catastrophizing in marriage?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Have you ever heard the word catastrophizing?  It happens when a person fixates on the worst possible outcome and treats it as likely, even when it is not.  Unfortunately, this often happens between a husband and a wife!  Have you fallen into this dysfunctional and destructive trap yourself?

See if any of these patterns sound familiar.  Do you often believe the worst about your husband’s intentions and motivations? Do you tend to take one failure or disappointment regarding your husband and then blow that up into a sweeping condemnation of him altogether?  Do you tend to make negative assumptions about him?  Do you fixate on your husband’s shortcomings or the ways he fails to meet your every desire?   Do you believe he will let you down or disappoint you before he’s actually done so?!  Then you have likely fallen prey to the common trap of “catastrophizing”!  And you’re not alone.  I, too, have fallen into this unhealthy way of thinking far too frequently.

Here’s the remedy for catastrophizing.  The minute you find yourself going down that line of negative, fear-based, hopeless path of thinking about your husband, immediately catch yourself, and hit reverse!  In that moment, switch gears and start mentally tallying the good qualities of your husband.  It’s amazing how your feelings toward your husband will instantaneously change as you start focusing on the positive qualities he has (or even the bad things he does NOT do).  This is the essence of God’s instruction to us in Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Dealing with a husband’s anger

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Does your husband tend to give full vent to his temper when you disagree with his opinion or his desires?  When you guys have a conflict, does he end up yelling at you or saying mean things?  When this happens, deep heart wounds occur.  There must be a better way to handle conflict!  Here are a couple things you can do to help put out his anger fire before it scorches you:

1) If a disagreement is starting to get a bit ugly, YOU can simply stop arguing! Tell your husband that you love him and you want to take a time-out before discussing the issue further.  Tell him that you’re going to think and pray about his perspective and that you’d love him to do the same for you.  Then agree to talk about it again later that day or tomorrow.  

2)  Remain calm even if your husband does not.  Refuse to match his loud volume or hurtful comments.  In fact, if he becomes emotionally abusive, calmly tell him you do not allow anyone to speak to you that way, and then walk away.  If he follows you and continues the emotional abuse, get in your car and drive away.  Do not tolerate aggressive, harsh, or wounding treatment from your husband during conflict.  That is not God’s plan for how a wife should be treated.  Colossians 3:19 says, “Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.” 

Oddest tip for a vibrant marriage!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I’m going to give you the oddest, most counter-intuitive tip for your marriage.  You’re not going to want to hear this tip, let alone do it!  However, I urge you to give it a chance; maybe even do an experiment and try it for a few weeks straight.  I learned in my marriage to Raul that this tip was powerful and transformative, and it drew my husband’s heart to me.  Here is the tip, and it is a Biblical principle:  Die to self.  I know. I told you it was counter-intuitive!  In short, this principle could be summed up like this:  It isn’t all about me! 

  • Luke 9:23 And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.”  
  • 1 Corinthians 10:24  No one should seek their own good, but the good of others. 
  • Philippians 2:3-4 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Here’s what I know.  When I focus on myself, and what I want, and what I think I need, and how the people in my life aren’t making me happy or perfectly meeting my needs….I grow depressed and resentful.  I become an irritable, sour-faced woman!  No one, including a husband, wants to be around that!!  But, if I focus on serving God, responding to his prompts on loving and serving others….I feel fulfilled and joyful.  In marriage, if you focus on being a blessing to your husband, his heart is drawn to you and your heart, believe it or not, is drawn to him. The marriage grows stronger!  By the way, being a blessing to your husband can mean many things.  It can mean being kind even though he’s in a bad mood from a stressful day…or getting up early to make him a great breakfast even though you’re headed off to work too…or lovingly and respectfully asking him to seek help if he has a personal problem that is spiraling out of control. 

Try it for a few weeks.  Ask God every morning to help you die to self-centeredness and ask Him for direction on how to be a blessing to your husband this day.  Let me know how it goes!

Words your husband needs to hear

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Many powerful and influential male leaders have attributed much of the reason for their success to their wives.  Billy Graham is one of those leaders.  When his wife died in 2007, he told reporters “My work through the years would have been impossible without her encouragement and support.” 

Your husband needs your encouragement and esteem in order to have the boldness and confidence to accomplish great things.  In Genesis 2:18, God makes it clear that women were created because men need help.  God said “It is not good for man to be alone.  I will create a helper suitable for him.”  That helper is you, and one of the biggest ways you can help your husband is by encouraging him with your words. 

With that in mind, here are 10 words/phrases that your man longs to hear from you:

  1. I need you
  2. Thank you for taking such good care of me
  3. I’m so proud to be your wife
  4. You have a good heart
  5. I believe in you
  6. You’re so strong
  7. I know you can do it
  8. You’re a good provider
  9. I trust you
  10. You’re a good man