wife

Do you have qualities of a godly wife?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

If you want to please God, please your husband, and find true fulfillment in your role as a wife, then meditate and act upon the instructions God gives wives in the Bible.  That’s what many of us have been trying to do at Squadron of Sisters over the last 15 years, and all I can say is….following God’s instructions has a powerful impact on your husband!

Here are 8 key verses that describe a godly wife and/or reveal the purpose of a wife:

Genesis 2:18 (a godly wife is a companion and helper for her husband)

Ephesians 5:33 (a godly wife shows respect and honor for her husband, whether she “feels” like it or not!)

Proverbs 31:25 & Matthew 18:15-17 (a godly wife carries herself with dignity so she is able to lovingly but firmly establish boundaries with her husband if he is sinning against her)

Proverbs 31:30 (a godly wife respects and obeys the Lord)

Colossians 3:18 (a godly wife submits to her husband’s leadership, as long as he is not leading her down an immoral or destructive path)

Proverbs 31:27 (a godly wife is diligent in taking care of her family and household)

1 Corinthians 7:4 (a godly wife builds a robust sex life with her husband)

1 Peter 3:4 (a godly wife has a gentle and peaceful demeanor with her husband)

Can any of us be perfect wives, as described in the Bible?  No way.  None of us is capable of performing to this incredibly high standard every day.  However, we are to earnestly seek to grow more and more like the Biblical model each day, and we all need to pray for Jesus to give us a willing heart to obey his instructions to us.  🙂

How to pick your battles in marriage

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

You’ve probably heard the saying, “If mom ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” Although the primary message of this saying is that mom’s attitude affects the whole family, I think a secondary message is just as significant.  If a wife conveys to her husband through her constant complaints and criticisms that she’s not happy, her husband begins to feel like a failure and starts to close his heart to her.

Unfortunately, many wives get stuck in this dynamic.  We tend to point out one disappointment after another to our husbands.  We remind him that we notice he forgot to take out the garbage.  We point out that he hasn’t communicated in our love language recently.  We remind him that he hasn’t played with the kids in a while.  In short, we can’t seem to resist pointing out his flaws.  Adding insult to injury, we then get really upset that he seems emotionally withdrawn from us!

Perhaps it’s time to pick our battles more carefully.  Maybe we should let the small stuff slide.  Proverbs 12:16 says, “Fools show their annoyance at once, but the prudent overlook an insult.”  Let’s ask God to help us affirm what our husbands do right, overlook the small imperfections, and only confront our husbands if they are truly sinning against us and/or the children. EVERYBODY in the family will be happier!

You must “let go” in your marriage

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I wonder how many marriages have been destroyed because one or both spouses refused to let go of an old offense, disappointment or sin of their mate?  It’s likely that the vast majority of divorces resulted from toxic resentment, stemming from the inability to let go of old offenses!

I know it’s so tempting to dwell on your husband’s failures or past sins against you, but if you allow yourself to do that, your heart will become consumed with resentment.  And I think we all know that resentment usually becomes poisonous to both you and the relationship.  Hebrews 12:15 puts it this way “Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many”.

Also, when you keep bringing up that old sin, betrayal, disappointment or offense to your husband, you will slowly crush his spirit, and he will likely pull away from any further close connection with you.  That’s not exactly helpful to you, him or the relationship!

Now if your husband is CURRENTLY engaged in a betrayal or pattern of sin against you, you should seek wise counsel as you will likely need to confront the issue and establish firm boundaries.

However, if your husband is no longer engaged in a pattern of sin or betrayal, and if he shows some signs of repentance, you MUST choose to forgive him and leave the past in the past.  It is not helpful to keep wanting to talk to him about it.  It’s not helpful for you to keep bringing it up and throwing it in his face when you are disappointed or annoyed with him.  Let it go. 

Forgive as God forgave you.  Does God keep on bringing up your past sin and throwing it in your face?  No, he doesn’t.  Does God keep discussing your past failures with you, going over all the details of your past sin?  No, he doesn’t. He chooses to forgive completely.  Let us do likewise.

Does your guy have childhood wounds?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Whether we realize it or not, most husbands are actually very insecure.  Many of our men have suffered deep emotional wounds in childhood.  Some were teased incessantly at school.  Many were physically abused by their dad or grandpa.  Others were sexually abused by the neighbor man.  Some were basically abandoned by one or both of their parents.  The emotional wounds, though often never revealed openly, still exist.

Unintentionally, we sometimes take a knife to that open wound and rip it open a little further.  When a man’s wife constantly points out his faults, the wound becomes larger.  When a wife complains that he doesn’t make enough money, isn’t romantic enough, doesn’t play with the kids enough, doesn’t talk to her enough….his insecurity grows deeper.  He feels like a failure once again.  He feels unwanted, unappreciated.  He feels like he’s just one big disappointment.

Ladies, let’s truly become our husband’s helper (Genesis 2:18) by being the one person in his life that always sees the best in him…who truly believes in him.  Let’s consciously work to affirm anything and everything he does right.  Think of yourself as your husband’s biggest cheerleader.  He needs to know you’re on his team.  This doesn’t mean you should never confront him if he’s way out of line, but even then, you can confront him lovingly and respectfully.  Let’s become the soothing salve for the emotional wounds of our men!

Drawing your husband’s heart

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So, you’re married, but after 2 years or 22 years, the excitement and romance can easily fade, especially when children enter the picture!  How can a wife continue to capture her husband’s heart year after year?

1 Peter 3:1-4 gives us some clues.   Read verses 1 through 4 slowly.  Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

Two insights popped out at me.  How about you?  First, a husband is drawn to a wife who chooses to yield/submit to his leadership.  This is such a huge sign of respect in a man’s eyes!  And so many surveys of men reveal that they all yearn for respect.  Secondly, a wife will have unfading beauty if she interacts with her husband in a soft, gentle way.  This is also super respectful in a man’s eyes.  No man is drawn to an aggressive, argumentative, critical wife who challenges him at every turn!

And I would like to add one more insight that I’ve simply learned from experience.  Carry yourself with confidence and self-respect.  Men are repelled by a woman who is clingy and needy, and they are drawn to women who are strong and confident (and maybe even a bit playfully sassy!), and yet who allow the man to “rescue” her from time to time. 😊

A decision that saves marriages

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I was just reflecting on all the couples I’ve known over the years who faced huge challenges in their marriages, but ended up pushing through the pain and obstacles to overcome and even thrive in their marriages.  Yes, some wives saw their marriage end in divorce, but many wives decided to persevere in their marriage, and they are now enjoying the fruit of that perseverance!

Here’s the truth.  We will all face times of challenge in our marriages, and during those times, it’s so tempting to throw in the towel.  How many of us have thought at one point in our marriage, “I never should have married him.”?  Thoughts of ending the marriage can be especially enticing if you’re facing a heartbreaking challenge like a husband engaging in adultery, a harmful addiction, or even abuse. 

However, I have seen many wives press through these challenges and come out victorious on the other side with a more mature husband and a much better marriage!  Sometimes, it comes down to us making the simple and yet powerful decision to persevere, to endure, to push through the difficulty as you trust in God to work in your husband’s life.

Consider Paul’s message to the church in Colossians 1:9-11 We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience.

Is it possible God is asking you to persevere through the trial in your marriage?  If he is, what should you do as you wait?  Seek guidance from God’s Word, meet with a Christian counselor, and ask the Holy Spirit for guidance.  Sometimes, you may sense that you are to establish serious boundaries with your husband, which might even entail temporary separation.  Other times, God might ask you to lovingly encourage your husband and speak truth to him in areas where he has been believing lies of the enemy.  Paul also gives us some concise advice in Romans 12:12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Forgiveness with boundaries

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) 1 Comment

For anyone who has read the Bible’s New Testament, it’s hard to escape God’s frequent instruction for us to forgive others who have wounded or offended us in some way.  A prime example is Ephesians 4:32, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”  Yet, many women struggle with what forgiveness actually looks like if the person who hurt you continues to pose emotional, mental, or physical danger.

Please allow me to share what I’ve learned after spending time studying the Bible and also helping numerous women grapple with forgiveness.  Here’s the big takeaway.  You can and must forgive the other person in terms of letting justice rest in God’s hands and choosing to avoid the temptation to hope (or make) them suffer for what they did. However, forgiveness does not necessarily mean you need to be in a close relationship with that person or leave your heart wide open for further damage. 

God gives a really pivotal instruction in Proverbs 4:23 where He says, “Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life”.  That’s where boundaries come in.  If the person who deeply hurt you is still posing a significant danger to your emotional, mental or physical health, it’s appropriate to guard yourself by establishing a boundary in the relationship.  This might mean a season of separation from that other person.  This might mean keeping yourself distant until you see signs that this person may no longer be a danger to you, or that you have undergone sufficient healing from the Lord so that you are now strong enough to be around this other person.

Yes, we must forgive, but we must also be wise in terms of guarding ourselves from further harm.

Physical intimacy vs the tired wife

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For many women, especially moms of young children, making love to their husbands seems like yet one more thing on their to-do-list!  For an exhausted wife and mother, the idea of carving out time to be physically intimate with her husband sounds about as thrilling as running 15 miles on the treadmill at the gym at 5 o’clock in the morning! 

But here’s the thing.  We know that most men have an extremely high sex drive.  It isn’t their fault.  God made them that way.  🙂  So, one of the kindest and most loving things we can do for our husbands is to meet their sexual needs.  We need to strive to build a robust sex life with our husbands, and more than likely, you’ll enjoy it too!  To be honest, if we don’t have a vibrant sex life within our marriage, we’re setting up each other to subconsciously look for that excitement with someone else.  That’s why Paul instructs us in 1 Corinthians 7:5 “Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self control.”

The question is: How does the exhausted wife (and mother) build a robust sex life that both she and her husband enjoy?   Well, I believe she takes a really good look at her schedule of activities and responsibilities to see if there are any things she can cut out.  I bet there are some things she could reduce or cut completely!  Secondly, she asks her husband for help!   Can he put the kids to bed so that she has time to wind down and start thinking about enjoying physical intimacy with her husband?  Can he do the dishes after dinner or help the kids with their homework so that she can decompress and maybe take a bubble bath before she and her husband head to bed? 

Ask your husband if he would be willing to help with some tasks in the evenings so that you are more able to build a robust sex life with him.  I bet it is a trade he is willing to make!

Appreciation for all you do!

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I don’t know about you, but sometimes I get in a poopy mood (yes, I just used the highly technical term “poopy”!).  During my marriage to my late husband Raul, I would get in this grumpy mood when I did something sacrificial for my husband and he didn’t even seem to notice!  For instance, even though both my husband and I worked full-time in ministry, I decided that, for a while, I would do all the household cleaning chores so that my husband would be freed up to serve God even more.  I did this for a several-month stretch one year.

Did I enjoy vacuuming, dusting, cleaning toilets?  No, I did not.  Did I sometimes feel grumpy when I cleaned the house after already working a full day?  Yes, I did.  But then I thought, “well, at least my husband will sing my praises when he gets home and notices all I’ve done”.  However, even though I subtly pointed out to him what I had done, much to my shock, sometimes he didn’t say anything at all.  What!?!  

It’s at that time that God graciously reminded me that He noticed all I had done, and He was pleased.  I know that God was pleased whenever I served my husband because God instructs us in Matthew 9:35 that “Anyone who wants to be first must be the very last, and the servant of all.” 

God always notices what we’re doing even when no one else sees it!  In Matthew 6:4, the Bible reminds us that “your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.”   Let’s take heart that we are pleasing the “right” man when we serve our others sacrificially.  That right man is Jesus.

Don’t share your girlfriends!

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At the risk of you thinking I’m totally looney, may I suggest that you talk with your husband about clear boundaries regarding your female friends?  In other words, he should not be a close “friend” of any of your own girlfriends!  I know this might seem old-fashioned or even ridiculous, but many affairs start out with a husband “just talking” with another woman.  We need to be careful and alert to the schemes of the enemy!

1 Peter 5:8 says “Be alert and of sober-mind.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”  So, be alert to the enemy’s scheme to get your husband emotionally entangled with one of your friends.  He should not spend time with her without you.  He should not even be spending time on the phone with her giving advice or listening to her woes.  Without him intending to do so, he will slowly find himself developing an emotional bond with your friend, and she will start bonding with him.   Danger lies ahead!