wife

If you’re considering divorce

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Having a rough time in your marriage?  Do you wish you’d never married your husband?  Our society makes it very easy to throw in the towel and divorce.  Divorce might seem very tempting, but let me tell you from personal experience; it’s really hard on your children.  Actually, it’s devastating for them.  Yes, God can heal them over time, but your children will always carry a deep emotional scar.  Whoever started the rumor that kids can bounce back from divorce was lying!

I’m not saying that a woman should never divorce her husband.  The Bible certainly gives a clear allowance for divorce in Matthew 19:9 where Jesus says “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”  Jesus clearly states that when a spouse has cheated on you sexually, divorce is permissible.  After many years of studying the Bible, I also believe God permits a woman to divorce her husband when he grossly sins against his wife through continuing physical or emotional abuse.  After all, God instructs us in Proverbs 4:23 “Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life“.  After years of severe emotional or physical abuse, a woman can become a mere shell of a human being.  I don’t believe that is God’s will for anyone.  Throughout the Bible, we see that God is more concerned with mercy than merely following rules.

All this being said, please do everything you can to fight for your marriage.  Don’t give up easily.  Don’t let bitterness grow.  Work to resolve issues before your heart grows so cold that you don’t feel like working to save your marriage. You may possibly need to separate from your husband in order to bring his attention to the seriousness of the problem, but your goal should be reconciliation and restoration of your marriage. Find a good counselor.  Get a mentor couple.  Read the Bible.  Pray continually.  Don’t give up on your marriage too easily.  If for no other reason, fight for your marriage on behalf of your children.

Your prayers could change everything!!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Are you and your husband at odds?  Are you discouraged in your marriage?  Pray.  Are you longing for more intimacy and love in your marriage?  Pray.  Are you concerned about the choices your husband or children are making?  Pray.  Prayer really can change everything! It can produce a miracle! James 5:16 says “The prayers of a righteous person are powerful and effective.”

I have witnessed God do absolutely amazing things when I have prayed with total faith in His mighty power. I have witnessed miraculous healings.  I have seen God soften my husband’s heart in areas.  I have witnessed loved ones turn to Christ for the very first time.  I have witnessed God supernaturally supplying much needed financial help in the nick of time.  I have even seen God “heal” completely broken computerized equipment in our sound studio!

Here’s the thing.  I don’t have the power to do any of those miracles.  I especially don’t have the power to change my husband’s heart or my children’s hearts….but God can and does change hearts!   In Ezekiel 36:26-27, God says “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you.  I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”  Awesome!  So, seek God in prayer.  Be persistent in your prayers for your husband and children.  Your situation might seem impossible, but nothing is too hard for God.  He can even change hearts.

Are you disappearing in your relationship?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I often talk and write about how wives were created to be their husband’s helper, and while that’s true, I feel it’s necessary to make a clarification.  Yes, a wife should help her husband by showing him respect, allowing him to lead the family, and assisting him as he seeks to follow God’s promptings in his life.  However, that doesn’t mean a wife should give up her own individual identity in the process.

Submitting to your husband’s leadership does not mean that you become a doormat which has no value.  Helping your husband does not mean you sacrifice doing the things that bring you great joy.  Respecting your husband doesn’t mean he’s always right and you’re always wrong.  If you go too far in that direction, you will become an empty shell.  It’s as if your heart doesn’t matter.   God doesn’t intend that for you.  In fact, He says in Proverbs 4:23, “Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.”

Spend some time in prayer with God and ask Him to reveal if there are any areas of your life where you have lost your true identity.  Have you stopped doing some things that bring you fully alive?  Is it time to sit down with your husband and talk about how you can both live in a way that brings joy and fulfillment?  Don’t allow yourself to disappear in the relationship.

Priorities for a Christian woman

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Lots of Christian women wonder what their priorities should be.  Should husband come before kids?  Should financial security come before family time?  Should house-keeping come before leisure time?  Well, I’m not going to answer those specific questions because I’ve learned they are the wrong questions!  When it comes to priorities, God is urging all of us to put his kingdom purposes and plans above ALL else!  Colossians 3:2 Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.

It’s such a simple and concise instruction from the Lord, but make no mistake, it’s hard to carry out!  Our fleshly desires cry out for us to focus on personal happiness, and financial security, and “success” for our children, and luxurious vacations, and a new wardrobe.  Our culture, through both advertisements and social media, constantly reminds us that we should have it all.  We deserve it all. 

However, God is calling us to place Him above everything and everyone else.  He is desperate for people who are desperate for Him.  He’s calling us to repentance.  He’s calling us to pray continually.  He’s calling us to loosen our grip on our money and possessions and to give to the poor.  He’s calling us to honor and obey Him as our first priority.  We say we want revival, but are we earnestly seeking the Lord above all else?  We get some great clues about what leads to revival when we look at what the early followers of Jesus did immediately after he ascended to heaven following his resurrection.  Read Acts 2:38-47 to get inspired! 

By the way, you’ll likely find that as you seek the Lord above all else, you will become a more peaceful wife and mom!

Do you have a mature view of marriage?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Have you noticed that our culture is self-absorbed?  We are receiving constant messages through advertising, social media, TV shows, and movies that life is all about pursuing personal happiness.  When we follow that secular line of thinking, then we naturally assume our marriage is designed to make us happy.  The minute our spouse wounds us or behaves below our expectations, we toss aside the marriage and try to find another man who will be the source of our happiness. 

First of all, that is an unending quest because you will never find a perfect husband!  But more importantly, this is not the purpose of a Biblical marriage.

As I study the Bible, I sensed the Holy Spirit revealing 5 purposes for marriage, although there are probably even more.  As you read the purposes outlined below, ask the Holy Spirit to show you how to press into those purposes in your own marriage.

  1. Marriage is designed for a husband and wife to have rich companionship as well as to provide help for each other as they navigate the challenges of life and seek to serve God together.  Genesis 2:18   Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.”
  2. Marriage is the primary place for you to learn how to carry out God’s major command to love your neighbor since the “neighbor” who is closest to you is your spouse!  Matthew 22:39 “Love your neighbor as yourself.”
  3. Marriage is designed to be a binding union and devoted partnership between a man and a woman.  Genesis 2:23-25 The man said, “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.
  4. Marriage is designed to produce children and build a family.  Genesis 1:28  God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number.”
  5. Ultimately, marriage, as well as everything we do and every relationship we have, is supposed to bring glory to God.  1 Corinthians 10:31 “So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God”  The question is this.  Does your marriage glorify God?  Is the way you conduct yourself as a spouse a great reflection of Christ?  A mature view of a Christian marriage entails realizing it’s not all about YOU!  It’s about glorifying God in everything you do, including reflecting the character of Christ in your marriage.

Have you lost that in-love feeling?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Have you lost that “in love” feeling with your husband?  Are you feeling like there should be more in your relationship?  There could be some major problems in your marriage that need to be addressed.  However, it could be that you’ve fallen prey to the notion that your relationship with your husband should resemble the thrill of new romance portrayed in chick flicks and romance novels.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I love watching a good romantic movie like The Proposal with Sandra Bullock.  I have enjoyed reading Christian romance novels.  However…you and I have to be so careful that we don’t start subconsciously thinking our marriages should have that constant thrill of new romance.  That’s unrealistic.  There is no way we’re going to be “twitterpated” (like Thumper in the Bambi movie) all the time!  Also, our husbands couldn’t possibly be as breathtaking as the men portrayed in the romantic comedies or as perfect as the men in the Christian romance novels!  It’s all a beautiful delusion from the enemy who wants to destroy your marriage.   I guess we shouldn’t be surprised.  The Bible says in 2 Corinthians 11:14 “Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light“

And here’s one more caution.  Did you realize that many romantic comedies actually promote a woman leaving the man she’s with to find the “true soul mate” awaiting her?  Yikes!  We get so involved with the romance story that we don’t even notice this is the case!  Think of Scarlett O’Hara in Gone With The Wind.  She pines away for the man who’s already married to someone else.  In Sleepless In Seattle, Meg Ryan’s character is engaged but feels there must be someone better out there.  The list goes on and on.  So, let’s be careful to avoid unrealistic expectations of our men and our marriages.

Husbands want you to notice this!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

We all know women are pretty obsessed with their appearance, but men care about how they appear as well.  Specifically, they want to appear strong.  Your guy probably isn’t going to tell you this, but most husbands want you to appreciate their strength.  They want you to notice and be in awe of their muscles!

It’s in a man’s DNA to want to exude physical strength.  When God first created man, the Bible says in Genesis 2:15, “The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and keep it.”   Those instructions to cultivate the garden involve strength and power.  So, affirm your husband’s strength.  The next time he lifts something heavy, notice his strength and let him know it!  If you actually see a bulging bicep, treat it like eye-candy and tell him his biceps are sexy.  I bet you’ll see your husband’s eyes light up a little bit, and more importantly, I believe you’ll also see him grow in confidence.  He wants to be your hero.  He needs to be your hero.

Signs you are truly a loving wife!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I don’t know about you, but I tend to think I’m a pretty amazing wife!  I mean I try to be respectful.  I try to keep the house clean and tidy.  I cook meals and bake sugary things I think my husband would like. I try to remember to encourage my husband from time to time. I’m faithful.  So, I’m doing great, right? 

Well, I was recently convicted when I happened to be reading a familiar passage of the Bible in 1 Corinthians 13.  In that passage, God explains what true love looks like.  As I read the passage more slowly than usual, I realized that I have quite a bit of room for growth when it comes to loving my husband well!  Maybe you have room for growth too.

I urge you to read the following description of love very slowly.  Linger over each facet of love that God is calling us to display.  Honestly ask the Holy Spirit to show you how you’re doing. Do you regularly display the signs of true love to your husband?  I bet God will highlight some areas where you could do better.  God is not mad at you.  We are all a work in progress, but let’s commit to making progress!! 

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NLT)  Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.  It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.  Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Clarify your expectations in marriage!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Have you and your husband been butting heads lately?  Can you sense resentment against him growing in your heart?  Does he seem frustrated with you?  Well, the good news is that you’re not alone.  This is pretty common in marriage.  The bad news is that if you don’t do something about this, it will likely ruin your marriage!

As my late husband Raul and I mentored couples over man years, we found a little tool to be really helpful.  We asked the husband and wife to sit down over a series of “dates” and discuss each other’s expectations in all sorts of areas; everything from the balance of responsibilities for chores to what Christmas celebrations should be like.   We all hold subconscious expectations in these areas, but we rarely intentionally reveal those expectations to our spouse.  Then we get frustrated and annoyed that they don’t meet our undisclosed expectations!

How about if you bless your spouse by initiating a series of dates to honestly discuss expectations.  Proverbs 24:26 says “An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips”.   By each of you being honest and open about your desires and hopes, you will grow more intimate and truly begin to understand each other.  Visit the “free resources” tab on our website (www.squadronofsisters.com) to print out a list of topics for your husband and you to discuss.

Signs that you are codependent

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Can a Christian woman be too helpful?  Can she be too nice?  I believe the answer is yes.  When we are so “nice” that we enable our husband or adult children to act irresponsibly or to stay immature, we are being too nice.  And many of us fit this description.  We are too helpful.  We are codependent.  We train our loved ones to be dependent on us, instead of God.  We train them to rely on us to do things for them that they should really do themselves as responsible adults.  Often, we also train them to expect us to bail them out of the natural consequences of their foolish or sinful decisions. 

Why are many women codependent?  We become codependent when we subconsciously depend on others to meet a deep emotional need of our own, such as feeling loved, secure, or important.  Instead of looking to the Lord for love, security and significance, we exhaust ourselves trying to get people to meet those needs. Then, because we pin all our hopes on these people, we MUST cater to them in order to keep them in the relationship with us.  We fear that our “source” of love and security will leave us or withdraw their love if we don’t cater to them.  We start walking on eggshells.  We bend over backwards to keep them happy because we fear losing them.  However, the Bible says in Proverbs 29:25  “Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.”

Now, I’m not saying that we shouldn’t be loving and kind.  Of course, we should.  However, we go too far when our “kindness” enables immature and irresponsible and even sinful behavior in others.  We go too far when we try to spare our loved ones from consequences and when we carry their responsibilities. We go too far when we become neurotic people-pleasers in the relationship just so the other person is more likely to make us feel better about ourselves!    

Here are 2 questions you can ask yourself today:

1) Are my actions preventing my husband or children from becoming mature and responsible?

2) Am I expecting my husband or child to meet my deepest emotional needs or am I seeking a deeper relationship with the Lord to meet those needs?