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What constitutes emotional abuse?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Yesterday, we examined what constitutes physical abuse within a marriage.  Today, let’s explore something much more subtle and overlooked…verbal and/or emotional abuse.  Once again, I strongly urge women to take a stand against abuse of any kind.  Keep in mind, you are showing your children (especially your daughters) that either women are supposed to be weak, helpless, perpetual victims or that women can be confident and strong while still displaying love and kindness.

After doing much research, here’s a fairly comprehensive list of behavior that constitutes verbal, emotional or psychological abuse:  Frequently calling you obscene names, often yelling in rage, a pattern of constantly criticizing you and putting you down, prolonged periods of refusing to talk to you at all, pattern of ridiculing or making fun of you, pattern of mocking you or mean-spirited sarcasm, verbal threats of violence, intimidation through displaying knives or guns, constantly accusing you of wrongdoing, forbidding you to talk to parents or siblings, preventing you from leaving the house, refusing to allow you to talk on the phone, forbidding you from speaking to friends or neighbors, gas-lighting you by causing you to question your memory of what happened.

Again, I urge you to take a stand against this kind of abuse.  You are a valuable woman.  You are God’s daughter and precious in His sight.  Don’t allow yourself to be emotionally pummeled.  You will slowly be destroyed.  That is NOT God’s plan for you.  In fact, God instructs us to guard our hearts in Proverbs 4:23….”Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life“.  If you are suffering this kind of abuse, please talk to your pastor, pastor’s wife, or a certified counselor.  Your husband may be upset, but you must protect your heart.  By the way, if you fear for your physical safety as a result of revealing the emotional abuse, then take protective measures such as moving to a friend’s home or a domestic violence shelter while you work through the issues with your husband.

What constitutes physical abuse?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I will always remember the time I was talking with a wife who has endured physical abuse from her husband for years.  It began so slowly that she didn’t actually realize she was the victim of domestic violence until her injuries had become pretty serious.  I was reminded that wives, especially Christian wives, need to be alerted to what constitutes physical abuse. 

These things are definitely physical abuse:  Punching, slapping, shoving aggressively, kicking, trapping physically (as against a wall), twisting arm painfully, throwing objects at you aggressively, biting, pulling your hair painfully, a pattern of refusing to allow you to sleep, regularly requiring you to work until exhaustion or while sick, tying you up against your will, forcing you to perform sex acts against your will, forcing himself on you sexually against your will, forcing you to use alcohol or drugs, denying you medical care.

If your husband or boyfriend is currently doing any of those above things, call 911 and seek immediate protection at your local domestic violence shelter.  If these behaviors are not currently occurring but have occurred fairly recently, you still need help.  I strongly urge you to call your local, confidential domestic violence hotline.  It’s time for Christian wives to stand up against abuse!  The Bible makes it clear that husbands are to treat their wives kindly.  1 Peter 3:7 instructs husbands to be considerate of their wives and to treat them with honor as the weaker vessel.  Furthermore, Ephesians 5:11 says “Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them”.  So, don’t cover up your husband’s or boyfriend’s abuse.  He is not your enemy, but he needs to be stopped, both for his own good and for your welfare.

Are you too serious?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

There have been so many times that I have lost my cool over a trivial mistake I’ve made!  I beat myself up and feel disgusted with myself. Perhaps you’ve done the same thing a time or two.  What makes the situation even worse is then we become a grump around our husband and children. Because we have worked ourselves into a foul mood, it infects them as well. That’s the first problem caused by perfectionism.  We become grumpy, irritable people, and no one wants to be around that!! Perhaps we need to remind ourselves that we need to be able to laugh at some of our mistakes.

Here’s the second problem linked with perfectionism.  Pride.  Often, perfectionists are driven by a desire to be admired; to impress others so they will be thought of highly.   A perfectionist can’t laugh at their silly mistakes.  A perfectionist takes herself too seriously.  A perfectionist must drive herself to achieve, and achieve perfectly, because a perfectionist has a secret motivation to be admired by others.  However, this relentless need to impress others is really rooted in pride, and God detests the proud!

These days, I’m trying to let go of my pride and admit I’m a human being who isn’t perfect 100% of the time!  You know what I’ve found?  Everyone, including my family members, seems to like me better.   Humility is such an attractive quality.  Psalm 18:27 says “You save the humble but bring low those whose eyes are haughty.”  Let’s work on being humble this week.  When we mess up, and we will, let’s LOL.  Everyone around you will appreciate this new attitude!

A wife must control these words

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

It’s actually a really awesome thing when you talk about your husband in public!  Well, it’s really awesome if what you’re sharing is complimentary!  In fact, it’s one of the kindest things you can do for your husband.  Men are wired to crave respect and affirmation.  That’s why God instructs wives in Ephesians 5:33 to respect their husbands.  I saw my late husband Raul begin glowing (in a masculine sort of way!) when I affirmed him in front of his friends or our family members.

However, there is a flip side to this business of speaking publicly about your man.  Raul always told me one of the very worst things a wife can do is to disclose some of her husband’s failures, character deficiencies or mistakes in front of other people.  He said when a wife shares her husband’s personal failings, he is absolutely devastated and emasculated.  Don’t emasculate your man! Don’t cross that boundary when speaking about him in front of others! If he begins feeling emasculated, he will likely subconsciously gravitate toward another woman who will build him up instead of tearing him down.

A huge need of your children

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

If you love your children, one of the MOST important things you can do for them is to keep your marriage healthy and intact!  Not to scare you, but the research regarding children from divorced families is alarming.  Perhaps this is one reason the Bible says in Malachi 2:16, “For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce“.  God knows the devastating impact of divorce on children’s lives.

Research by Focus on the Family has found that teens from divorced homes are much more likely to engage in drug and alcohol use, as well as sexual intercourse than are those from intact families.  Also, kids whose parents divorce are substantially more likely to be incarcerated for committing a crime as a juvenile.  Plus, research from the Heritage Foundation found that children of divorced parents perform more poorly at school and have higher drop-out rates.

Yes, God can heal a child’s heart following a divorce, but the scars will remain.  So, work hard to keep your marriage healthy and strong.  Pray every day for your husband and pray daily for marriage guidance from the Lord.  See a counselor if you guys are fighting a lot or if you are growing increasingly resentful.  Don’t let your heart grow hard.  Fight for your marriage.  Your kids will thank you!

Be a student of your husband!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I know the Declaration of Independence says “all men are created equal”, and it is true that all humans are equally important.  However, I have learned that not all men are exactly the same!

In my marriage to my late husband Raul, God had me launch a ministry that focused quite a bit on providing Bible guidance for wives.  In the process, I began pressing into my role as my husband’s “helper” as referenced in Genesis 2:18.  I realized that in order to be a help and blessing to him, I really needed to figure out what actually made him tick and what he needed from me.  After studying him and asking him questions along this line, I discovered that he REALLY needed verbal affirmation from me and he desperately desired my respect.  When I helped him by doing those things, he began to flourish even more.  He became a better version of himself, and he often told me how much my affirmation and respect meant to him.

Fast forward following my husband’s untimely death, the Lord saw fit to bring a widower into my life and we actually got married just over a year ago!  I, of course, thought that I had my role as a wife and helper all figured out for this new husband.  Wrong!  I’m learning that the things that my late husband needed and wanted from me are not at all the same as what my new husband desires.  They are different men. Duh! 

This brought to mind Philippians 2:3-4, which says, “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

Are you looking to your husband’s interests?  Don’t make the same mistake I did, thinking that all husbands basically want the same things from their wife.  Each man is a little different.  This means we need to be a student of our husbands.  Study what makes your husband tick, what lights him up, what seems to be meaningful to him, what actions or words appear to be a blessing to him.  Then do those things!  Your husband will so appreciate you. 😊

2 qualities husbands find attractive

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

When men are surveyed about what makes a woman attractive, other than classically beautiful features, a strong majority say….her confidence!  So, if you want to be attractive to your husband (or to your boyfriend), work at developing confidence.  Work at becoming secure. 

I believe you do this by spending time meditating on God’s love for you!  He loves you so much he actually adopted you as his beloved child!  He is your Papa!  Meditate on this Scripture from Galatians 4:  “But when the set time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those under the law, that we might receive adoption to sonship. Because you are his sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, “Abba, Father.”  So you are no longer a slave, but God’s child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir.”

The second quality that is extremely attractive is…humility.  Most men run from a woman who is self-righteous and judgmental.  A husband is repelled by a wife who conveys that she thinks she’s better than him!  However, a husband’s heart is drawn to a wife who is humble, kind and compassionate. The Bible instructs us to be this kind of person!  Colossians 3:12 says, “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.”

P.S  Yes, you can carry yourself with confidence, while at the same time displaying humility!  This means having self-respect and dignity, but refusing to act like you’re superior to your guy.

Husbands need this from wife

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I think I can.  I think I can.  I think I can.  That’s the self-fulfilling prophecy repeated over and over again by the little train in the well-known children’s story.  The train faced an up-hill battle, but it encouraged itself by stating positive thoughts out loud.  In the end, the little engine’s encouraging words to itself spurred it on to successfully climb the hill.

Husbands are like that little train. They face an uphill battle.  The world tells our men they are failures, that they don’t measure up, that they’re not good enough.  Satan constantly whispers words of discouragement to our guys.  As a result, our men often stop attempting to grow spiritually.  They often stop taking courageous steps forward in leading their families.  Instead of boldly fighting for justice and integrity, many choose to check out through alcohol, drugs, video games, gambling or pornography.  But WE can be that voice speaking encouragement to our men!  We can say, “I think you can”.  “I know you can”.  “I believe in you”.  “I’m praying for you.”   “God’s going to give you the strength”.   Hebrews 3:13 is a good reminder to us.  It says “Encourage one another daily as long as it is called ‘Today’ so that no one is hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.”

You can help move your husband from defeat and retreat to a place of exciting victory simply by your words of encouragement.  Will you help your husband be the little engine that could?  I think you can.  I think you can.  I think you can.

Many husbands have dry bones

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Several years ago, I asked my late husband Raul what one thing most husbands really wish their wife would understand.  Here is what he said.  Most men long for their wife to notice something good about them and to tell them what they see!  It could be a positive character quality he displays.  It could be the fact that he works hard to provide for the family.  It could be a talent he has.  It could be the way you notice him submitting himself to God.

According to Raul, men desperately need this validation because they feel like a failure much of the time.  In fact, my late husband described men as being a bit like dry bones in a desert, in desperate need of water.  Your words can provide water for those dry bones and breathe life back into your man!  Proverbs 16:24 puts it this way, “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”

Will you commit to finding something to affirm about your husband every day for the next 7 days?  Will you commit to actually telling him about the good you see?  He will soak up those words like a sponge, and it will bring life back into the dry bones of his spirit.