Proverbs 18:21 says “the tongue has the power of life and death”. Oh my. Consider how many words a woman usually speaks in just one day, and you can see the potential for disaster!
It took me a couple decades to really understand this fact. The words spoken by a wife to her husband can either build him up and give him confidence to step up and be an even better man…or her words can tear him down to the point that he emotionally withdraws from her and doesn’t try to accomplish much of anything because he believes he’s a failure.
What kind of words are you speaking to your husband? Are you his biggest cheerleader? Do you intentionally encourage him every single day, or do you give in to the temptation to point out his many flaws on a regular basis? He NEEDS you to believe in him and encourage him. By the way, this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t hold him accountable or put boundaries in place if he is actively sinning against you. However, even then, you can address sinful behavior with an attitude that is loving and hopeful. You can still let your husband know that you see something good in him.
I’m going to propose a radical shift in perspective. Some of you might not be ready, but I’m hoping you are. Here it is. Instead of praying for God to change your husband so that you’re happier, pray that God’s will be done in your marriage and in your husband. In other words, pray that God accomplishes what HE wants to do in your husband’s life. Catch the vision of partnering with God in prayer for the things HE wants to do in your man!
Where did I get this shift in perspective? Right smack in the middle of the Lord’s prayer in Matthew 6:9-10 “Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be your name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven…”
What does this mean in your marriage? It means that you stop focusing on getting God to change your husband so that he does things your way and makes you happy. Instead, you ask God what HIS will is for your husband, and you start praying fervently for God to mold and shape and transform your husband into the mighty man of God that the Lord wants him to be! God doesn’t intend for your husband to be an unbeliever who is stuck in sinful patterns with no joy or peace!
Here are 3 things we know to be God’s will for your husband, so start praying these 3 things in addition to whatever else God reveals to you:
That he would be saved. (1 Timothy 2:4 God desires all people to be saved and come to the knowledge of truth)
That he would turn from sinful patterns and surrender to God’s leadership. (2 Peter 3:9 He does not want any to perish, but that all should reach repentance)
That he would find joy, peace and hope in his relationship with Christ. (Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.)
An awesome benefit of praying this way is that God will slowly transform your husband in just the right ways that will be a blessing to you and the whole family!
We ALL bring expectations into our relationships. Much of the time, our expectations are somewhat subconscious and subtle. We don’t spend a lot of time pondering whether our expectations are realistic or correct. However, we often do spend a lot of time being disappointed or frustrated with the other person for failing to meet our expectations or for causing us misery similar to painful relationships we had in childhood. It’s time we adjusted our expectations, especially when it comes to marriage! There are two different ways we may need to adjust our expectations. If one way doesn’t apply to you, I bet the other one will.
First, many of us subconsciously expect our husbands to be pretty much perfect. We wouldn’t say that out loud because it sounds rather ridiculous, but nonetheless, we find ourselves sinking into despair if our husband isn’t empathetic enough, or romantic enough, or providing enough. We become super frustrated if he wrestles with an addiction, doesn’t play with the kids enough, or doesn’t seem to shoulder his share of the responsibilities in taking care of the home. News flash: Your husband isn’t Jesus! He can’t be perfect in every way because he’s human! There is only one person who can perfectly meet all your needs, and that person is Jesus. Philippians 4:19 And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. So look to Jesus as your main source of love and security, and let your husband off the hook. Be thankful for the good qualities your husband does have and cut him a little slack in the areas where he is less than perfect.
However, for some of you, your dysfunctional childhood led you to expect that men would always treat a woman poorly. You experienced an abusive environment in your family of origin, so it seems somewhat normal for you to endure abuse from your husband. Change your expectations!! It is not okay or normal for a husband to engage in a pattern of verbal, mental, spiritual, or emotional abuse of his wife. It is never okay for a man to physically harm his wife. If you are experiencing such abuse, I urge you to seek help immediately. I urge you to separate yourself from your husband, at least temporarily, while asking him to get serious help for his anger problem. As I was contemplating Bible guidance for a woman in an abusive relationship, a principle came to mind from 1 Corinthians 7. Paul was writing to slaves (who were in an oppressive and sometimes abusive situation), and he said this in verse 21, “if you can gain your freedom, do so.” Do not expect or tolerate abuse in your situation. It may be necessary for you to gain freedom from abuse through a legal separation.
You probably think I’m going to give fashion advice, but you would be incorrect. I’m certainly no fashionista! The kind of “clothing” I’m talking about is not material. It’s our attitude, character and behavior. The Bible has a lot to say about how we “clothe” ourselves in that regard!
Colossians 3:12 tells us what we should put on every morning: “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” Wow! Think about how attractive you would be to your husband (and your children, and your friends, and your mother-in-law and your co-workers) if you were to put on these qualities every morning as you start your day.
Think about it. How would your marriage be changed if you decided to be gentle and humble and kind and compassionate toward your husband? I bet he would truly look forward to coming home to you each night! Even if you need to broach tough subjects with your husband, he will be much more likely to listen if you clothe yourself with humility and gentleness and compassion. Try it. Humility…compassion…gentleness…kindness. These are fashion accessories that never go out of style!
Many wives are familiar with the Bible’s account of creation and know that after creating Adam, God said “It is not good for man to be alone. I will create a helper suitable for him.” (Genesis 2:18) If you really think about this verse, it becomes clear that one of a husband’s core needs is to spend time with his wife so that he is not alone!
That sounds easy to accomplish. Right? I mean most wives are totally willing, and even eager, to spend time with their husband….sitting on the couch, staring into each other’s eyes, and deeply sharing their feelings, thoughts, and hopes. Ummm. That’s not exactly how most men think about “spending time” with their wife!
A man’s version of spending time together typically involves physically doing stuff together, such as attending a sporting event, going hiking, playing golf, going fishing, walking through the home improvement store together, and yes, having sex. That’s a man’s version of companionship. This doesn’t mean you can’t ask your husband to spend some time with you in meaningful conversation from time to time, but it does mean you should consider engaging in his version of quality time periodically as well. Try it, and see if he doesn’t fall just a little more in love with you.
My late husband Raul led a large men’s ministry called Band of Brothers For Christ for many years, and as a result, he got to talk to hundreds of husbands about their marriages. One day, I asked my husband what 2 things he believes most husbands wish their wives understood about men. Here’s what he said:
1) That he needs to be valued by you. In other words, he wants to hear you appreciate the things he does for you and the family. He needs to be needed.
2) That you would appreciate his efforts – efforts to grow spiritually and in character, and that you would be patient and encouraging during that process. My husband said it takes time for a man to break free from all the temptations of the world and the lusts of his flesh, and that it’s super helpful if his wife acknowledges any forward progress he’s making, no matter how small.
After my husband explained this to me, it occurred to me that wives will automatically start filling these needs in our men when WE seek to follow God’s instructions on “how to love” in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
Some women bottle up their frustrations in marriage and in life in general. These women are uncomfortable working through conflict and try to ignore the problem, defaulting to a cold war or silent treatment. However, some women find themselves at the other extreme. When they get irritated or frustrated with their husband, they let him have it! They often speak critical, bitter words to their men, and those words cut their men deeply. The wound is especially deep because a man is wired to crave respect. That’s why the Bible instructs wives in Ephesians 5:33 “The wife must respect her husband“.
So, what can you do if you’ve tried to stop spewing mean, harsh, bitter words, and your attempts seem to fail most of the time? Well, the Bible gives us a big clue on what you need to do. Luke 6:45 says “The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.” The cure for a quick temper or critical tongue is to pray for God to change your heart! Ask God to fill your heart with love and compassion and patience for your husband. Pray this daily.
P.S. In addition to praying for a heart of love, make sure you don’t have major unaddressed issues with your husband. If you hang onto resentment over unresolved conflict, that’s like covering a skillet of oil with a tight lid, setting it to simmer, and then walking away expecting it to stay at a calm simmer. Without a vent, it will eventually explode, splattering the scalding oil everywhere! If you have unresolved conflict with your man, decide to respectfully and gently confront these issues so your simmering heart doesn’t explode through your mouth!
I thought the title of this devotional would get your attention!! 🙂 However, I’m not talking about guys lusting after scantily-clad Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. Instead, I’m talking about how men are naturally drawn to women who are cheerleaders in the sense of being their supporters and encouragers. So let me ask you this question. Does your husband sense that you are his cheerleader?
Most men struggle with feeling inadequate. Most men wrestle with feeling like a failure. Many men may never put effort into being a better father, husband, employee, or disciple of Jesus because they fear failure. In other words, they’d rather not try at all if it means they could risk the embarrassment of people noticing them failing in their endeavor. Perhaps this is why God instructed Joshua over and over again to “be strong and courageous” (Joshua 1:9). Joshua’s natural bent was to fear failure instead of stepping out with courage.
This is where a wife can make a huge difference! By speaking words of encouragement and affirmation and respect, your husband may find the courage to move forward. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 instructs us to “encourage one another and build each other up“. By becoming your husband’s cheerleader, your man may risk failure to step out and seek to be become a stronger, and more godly leader of your family. Wouldn’t that be awesome?!
There’s certainly nothing wrong with being a confident and capable woman. In fact, I usually feel pretty strong, confident, and capable. However, over the years of my marriage to my late husband Raul, I realized something very important to the health of my marriage. I needed to allow my husband to be needed by me! When I acted like he wasn’t needed, I could sense that he felt emasculated. Your husband probably might feel that way too.
Men are wired by God to be leaders. In fact, in Ephesians 5:22-24, God makes it pretty clear that the husband is the leader, not the wife! “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”
So, even though you are a strong capable woman, give room for your husband to lead. Avoid making all the decisions for your family. Ask him to make some decisions. Even though you’re perfectly capable, ask him to help you with some projects. Yes, you can re-arrange the living room furniture without his help, but he will enjoy being needed by you if you ask him to lift the heavy furniture. (And don’t forget to admire his muscles!)
Want to improve your communication interactions with your husband? Well, maybe it would help if you understood three things that really matter to most men when it comes to communication. Here they are:
1) Most husbands prefer that their wife be direct in stating what they want or need. They don’t respond to hints. They don’t want to have to read between the lines or try to read your mind. They just want you to come right out and state what you want or need…and it helps if you can state your needs calmly, without a lot of drama or intense emotion.
2) Most husbands want you to keep it simple and short. They don’t want long explanations or fascinating details. Their minds begin to wander after about 30 seconds! So get to the point quickly. Ecclesiastes 5:3 is a good reminder. It says “Many words mark the speech of a fool“.
3) All husbands need their wives to be respectful, both while talking and while listening. This is Biblical. Ephesians 5:33 says “the wife must respect her husband“. This means speaking to your husband in a respectful tone and making sure your body language and facial expressions show honor. No eye-rolling! It also means that you listen attentively when your husband is speaking to you, and you refrain from interrupting him, finishing his sentences, or correcting him. Oh, and one more thing. It means you let him have a few moments to unwind when he comes in the door at the end of the day before you launch into a big discussion!
The Appreciated Wife 