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If your husband has crazy plans!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Are you bewildered by the amount of time your husband spends surfing online to check out the latest, fastest motorcycles available, or talking about quitting his job to open a risky new business, or dreaming about buying a huge boat and sailing around the world?  Apparently, you’re not alone!  Many wives report being frustrated, bewildered, and maybe even scared about their husband’s “crazy” ideas to spend way too much money on a hobby or to take a gigantic risk on some new money-making adventure or wild life-style change.  So, what’s a wife to do?  Let me give you two thoughts:

1)  Since a wife is to show respect to her husband (Ephesians 5:33), avoid the tendency to ridicule his plans, but instead come to him gently and with a true desire to understand how his idea would work.  You can simply say, “Tell me more about your idea…”  Then, you can ask gentle, respectful follow-up questions, such as, “How are you thinking we would handle the financial part of that idea?” or “Do you have some thoughts on how we would pay our mortgage while your new business is getting started?”

2)  Also, ask your husband if he will take the matter to God in prayer to seek God’s guidance on his dreams and plans. By the way, it will be super helpful if you’re humble and ask your husband if he has any concerns about the way that you spend your free time or about the things you tend to focus on.  When we are humble, our husbands are much more willing to accept input and gentle correction.  Colossians 3:12 says “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.”

If husband seems headed wrong way

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Sometimes, a wife notices a trend in her husband’s behavior or reactions that are concerning.  He might not be engaged in something hugely sinful, but you are concerned about the harsh way he’s interacting with the kids or the resentment that he holds toward his boss, etc.  In other words, you fear that if he continues down that path, significant damage will be the result.  Hmmm.  What’s a wife to do in those moments where she senses her husband is headed the wrong way?

I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but let me share two things that have been effective in my own relationship.  1)  Pray earnestly that God will convict your husband through the Holy Spirit so that your husband will see that he needs to make some changes.  Jesus makes it clear that one of the jobs of the Holy Spirit is to convict people when they are off track.  Jesus says of the Holy Spirit in John 16:8 “when he comes, he will convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment.”  

2) If you feel like God is nudging you to talk to your husband about your observations, quietly come to your husband, take a humble posture by perhaps kneeling beside him while he’s sitting, and gently tell him of your concerns. However, don’t ONLY tell him of your concerns.  Take this opportunity to speak words of life to him.  Tell him about the good qualities you see in him.  Remind him that God is transforming him into a man who has Christ’s character, which is “gracious and compassionate; slow to anger and abounding in love” (Psalm 103:8).  Tell him you’re proud of him for seeking to become more like Christ and for allowing God to mold and shape him.

If you’re considering divorce

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Having a rough time in your marriage?  Do you wish you’d never married your husband?  Our society makes it very easy to throw in the towel and divorce.  Divorce might seem very tempting, but let me tell you from personal experience; it’s really hard on your children.  Actually, it’s devastating for them.  Yes, God can heal them over time, but your children will always carry a deep emotional scar.  Whoever started the rumor that kids can bounce back from divorce was lying!

I’m not saying that a woman should never divorce her husband.  The Bible certainly gives a clear allowance for divorce in Matthew 19:9 where Jesus says “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”  Jesus clearly states that when a spouse has cheated on you sexually, divorce is permissible.  After many years of studying the Bible, I also believe God permits a woman to divorce her husband when he grossly sins against his wife through continuing physical or emotional abuse.  After all, God instructs us in Proverbs 4:23 “Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life“.  After years of severe emotional or physical abuse, a woman can become a mere shell of a human being.  I don’t believe that is God’s will for anyone.  Throughout the Bible, we see that God is more concerned with mercy than merely following rules.

All this being said, please do everything you can to fight for your marriage.  Don’t give up easily.  Don’t let bitterness grow.  Work to resolve issues before your heart grows so cold that you don’t feel like working to save your marriage. You may possibly need to separate from your husband in order to bring his attention to the seriousness of the problem, but your goal should be reconciliation and restoration of your marriage. Find a good counselor.  Get a mentor couple.  Read the Bible.  Pray continually.  Don’t give up on your marriage too easily.  If for no other reason, fight for your marriage on behalf of your children.

Priorities for a Christian woman

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Lots of Christian women wonder what their priorities should be.  Should husband come before kids?  Should financial security come before family time?  Should house-keeping come before leisure time?  Well, I’m not going to answer those specific questions because I’ve learned they are the wrong questions!  When it comes to priorities, God is urging all of us to put his kingdom purposes and plans above ALL else!  Colossians 3:2 Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.

It’s such a simple and concise instruction from the Lord, but make no mistake, it’s hard to carry out!  Our fleshly desires cry out for us to focus on personal happiness, and financial security, and “success” for our children, and luxurious vacations, and a new wardrobe.  Our culture, through both advertisements and social media, constantly reminds us that we should have it all.  We deserve it all. 

However, God is calling us to place Him above everything and everyone else.  He is desperate for people who are desperate for Him.  He’s calling us to repentance.  He’s calling us to pray continually.  He’s calling us to loosen our grip on our money and possessions and to give to the poor.  He’s calling us to honor and obey Him as our first priority.  We say we want revival, but are we earnestly seeking the Lord above all else?  We get some great clues about what leads to revival when we look at what the early followers of Jesus did immediately after he ascended to heaven following his resurrection.  Read Acts 2:38-47 to get inspired! 

By the way, you’ll likely find that as you seek the Lord above all else, you will become a more peaceful wife and mom!

Husbands want you to notice this!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

We all know women are pretty obsessed with their appearance, but men care about how they appear as well.  Specifically, they want to appear strong.  Your guy probably isn’t going to tell you this, but most husbands want you to appreciate their strength.  They want you to notice and be in awe of their muscles!

It’s in a man’s DNA to want to exude physical strength.  When God first created man, the Bible says in Genesis 2:15, “The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and keep it.”   Those instructions to cultivate the garden involve strength and power.  So, affirm your husband’s strength.  The next time he lifts something heavy, notice his strength and let him know it!  If you actually see a bulging bicep, treat it like eye-candy and tell him his biceps are sexy.  I bet you’ll see your husband’s eyes light up a little bit, and more importantly, I believe you’ll also see him grow in confidence.  He wants to be your hero.  He needs to be your hero.

Avoid these common causes of divorce

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Recently, I was reading a bunch of different articles about the common causes for divorce, and I noticed 3 causes that seemed to appear the most frequently in each of these articles.  They are: financial problems/fights, lack of sexual and emotional intimacy, and poor communication.  Obviously, you would do well to be aware of these common traps so that you don’t end up in divorce court!  Also, since God designed marriage, it makes sense that His Word would have guidance to help us avoid falling into these 3 common causes of divorce.

As I was considering each of these 3 areas, something really interesting occurred to me.  Failing to value the other person’s needs and desires is central to all 3 of these common causes of divorce!  I will explain in a moment, but first, here is the key section of Scripture for you to apply.  Romans 12:10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.

Financial problems/fights:  Usually, these fights occur because most women highly value financial security and most men are prone to be a little more “adventurous” when it comes to spending money. So, the key here is to sit down with your husband and ask him to listen to and be considerate of your financial need for security, and then for you to be willing to take into consideration his desires regarding money.  Then, work toward a compromise that represents some of the values of you both!

Lack of sexual and emotional intimacy:  Often this happens in a relationship when we allow other things or other people to take precedence over the relationship with our spouse.  We treat our spouse and their needs, physical and emotional, as less important than other things.   It also happens when we allow a misunderstanding or disappointment with our spouse to fester and turn into toxic resentment which in turn leads to us putting up a “wall” with our spouse.  The key here is sit down with your spouse and determine to work all the way through any past misunderstandings and resentments.  Ask for forgiveness and give forgiveness.  Also, decide together to actively pursue physical and emotional intimacy by placing a high priority on those connections in your marriage.

Poor communication:  This often occurs because both the husband and the wife mistakenly believe the other one understands the way they think and their unspoken needs and desires!  We tend to think the other gender thinks like us, but they don’t!  The remedy here is to sit down, once again, and intentionally discuss many areas where you have had miscommunications in the past.  Clearly explain your needs and desires.  Ask your husband to clearly explain his needs and desires.  Agree to have direct communication instead of expecting the other person to “just know”!

Little things can draw husband’s heart

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

You want a quick and easy way to show respect to your husband and improve your marriage?  Just notice a few small things your husband seems to appreciate and then…..do them!  What a concept!  I mean, why wouldn’t a wife want to please her husband?  Why wouldn’t a wife want to be kind and thoughtful?  Colossians 3:12 tells us “as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.”  So, if you could do just a couple things differently, in a way that your husband prefers, why wouldn’t you extend that kindness to him?

Let me give you some examples.  My late husband Raul always insisted that if we loaded the dishwasher in a certain way, it cleaned the silverware better.  (I didn’t think it made any difference!).  But, I did it the way he liked…because it pleased him.  I knew my husband loved it when I left a little note of encouragement for him on the kitchen counter at least once a week.  So, I intentionally did that every week.  I knew my husband really appreciated a clean kitchen counter, so I tried to keep the counters tidy. Why wouldn’t I want to please him in such a small way?  I’m not saying a wife should have no opinion and should simply be a doormat for her husband.  But I think God would be pleased if we stopped only thinking of ourselves and started thinking a little more about blessing others…in this case, your husband!

How about you?  Could you intentionally take note of a few things your husband really appreciates, and then actually do some of those things?  It would make him feel respected.  It would draw his heart to you. It would likely improve your marriage.  Sometimes, it’s the little things…

Understand the male brain!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I had an interesting conversation with my husband Mark recently.  I asked him “What is something you think women should know about men that they generally don’t understand?”  This led to a long discussion about the differences between the wiring of a man’s brain and a woman’s brain.  His answer was rather surprising and interesting.  If I can summarize correctly, Mark said that most men look at a problem or task and quickly process the most efficient and best way to tackle it, while women can often take a while to deliberate and talk about all the different possible solutions.  He went on to say that a man’s brain is wired to think of logical ways to address problems with as little extra work as possible.

This made me realize that a small way we can bless our husbands is to ask them for their input when we have a task or problem to solve, and then to heed their advice!  This means we will have to tell our pride to take a hike!  

 I think most women, if you’re like me, would take offense if my husband told me the “right way” to do something.  However, I’m thinking that maybe, just maybe, I would be wise to listen to my husband’s advice.  Two Bible verses come to mind. 

Proverbs 12:15 Fools think their own way is right, but the wise listen to others.

1 Peter 5:5-6 “Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble'”

Additionally, what a blessing it would be to my husband if I stuffed my pride and asked for his input and advice regarding a task or problem.  He would likely feel greatly respected by me. Your husband would too.

Words a wife should never say!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Husbands battle the world every day at their jobs.  Co-workers stab them in the back.  Other men put them down in order to look more important.  The culture tells your man he is a failure if he doesn’t own a Tesla and he can’t dunk like LeBron James.

So when your man comes home to you, the last thing he needs is to feel like a failure in your eyes too.  However, our words often unintentionally communicate just that!  Perhaps this is why God felt it necessary to actually instruct wives in Ephesians 5:33 that “the wife must respect her husband”. 

Even if your husband has disappointed you, you can still be respectful as you address his behavior, request changes, and establish boundaries.  However, if you condemn him and belittle him in that moment of disappointment, you shred his heart.  As a result, he will likely turn his heart away from you, self-medicate his pain in destructive ways, or simply stop trying to be a good man since you don’t see anything good in him anyway!

With the need to respect your husband in mind, here are 12 words you should never say to your man:

  1. You always….(insert complaint)
  2. You never… (insert complaint)
  3. Why don’t you ever…?
  4. I don’t respect you
  5. I feel like your mother
  6. If people only knew what you are really like
  7. You don’t make enough money
  8. How many times do I have to tell you…?
  9. That’s not the right way to do it
  10. I don’t need you
  11. I’ll never be able to trust you
  12. You’re a jerk

One of the top needs of a man

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Did you know you can enhance the relationship with your husband by allowing a gap for him to fill?   It’s true.  So often, women zoom in to fill all voids in leadership, responsibility, or tasks.  There’s something that needs to be handled, and you might even ask your husband to do it, but if he doesn’t jump off his chair and do it in the next 2 seconds, you do it yourself!  In a nutshell, you subtly communicate that you don’t really need him.  But your man wants to be needed by you. That’s one of the top needs of your husband! He wants to be your hero.  He wants to be your knight in shining armor. 

Your man is wired to crave your admiration and respect.  That’s likely why God tells wives in Ephesians 5:33, “the wife must respect her husband“.  One of the ways your husband will feel respected is when you demonstrate that you value and need his abilities, strength, and character.

Start thinking of ways you can let your man know that you need him.  Do you have a bad headache?  Ask him to pray for you.  Do you have a heavy box that needs to be moved?  Ask him if he can lift it for you.  Let him know he is needed.  He will feel better about himself as he senses that you truly value him and need his strength, abilities, and character.