trust

Subtle signs of codependency

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Over the years, I’ve met with so many women who have been almost destroyed by their husband’s behavior.  They tell stories of husbands being verbally abusive, or controlling, or unfaithful, or only interested in themselves with no concern for their wife. It’s heartbreaking for sure.  And, honestly, I can relate to some of their stories in my own previous relationships.

If you are in an abusive marriage or your husband is cheating on you, of course, I would recommend seeking immediate guidance from a pastor, women’s ministry leader or Christian counselor.  You need not endure or enable such sinful and hurtful behavior.

That being said, I also want to urge you to break free from a subtle but huge snare of our culture.  Our culture has convinced many of us that our husbands should make us happy, that our husbands should meet all our emotional and relational needs.  Here’s the problem with that expectation.  All husbands are imperfect!  Many husbands struggle with sin.  Lots of men have their own deep emotional wounds from childhood that prompt them to lash out in anger or seek validation from other women.  If you rely on your husband for your “happiness”, you will live in a constant state of disappointment, grief and resentment.  You will have fallen into the subtle trap of codependency which prompts you to subconsciously depend on people to meet your deep emotional needs for love and security, rather than depend on God.

Instead, I ask you to look to God alone as your main love relationship!  God alone is steady.  God alone is your perfect help and refuge during life’s challenges.  Psalm 62:6-8 He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken.  My victory and honor come from God alone.      He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me.  O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge.

** or view this topic as a 3 minute VIDEO BELOW

Moving forward after betrayal

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Betrayal in marriage can come in many different forms. Sometimes, it’s a deep emotional affair. Other times, it’s a highly inappropriate online relationship. Of course, betrayal can also mean an actual physical affair. Any way you slice it, the cut is deep to the spouse who has been betrayed. If you have been betrayed by your husband, your heart is broken and trust has been blown to smithereens by the lies and deceit that surround betrayal. It will take time for you to heal and for trust to be restored.


If your husband is unrepentant and defiantly continues on with the affair/inappropriate relationship, then you will need to consult God and godly counselors as to whether you should consider divorce or whether you should set firm boundaries and wait for God to do a mighty transforming work in your husband’s life.

However, if your husband is indeed repentant, then you have a different kind of decision to make. You will need to give yourself some time to grieve, and you will need to tell your husband what he needs to do in order to regain your trust. Those things are a given. But, at some point, you also have to make the decision to let go of the hurt and resentment and move forward in building a new and healthier marriage with your husband. You MUST choose to let go of the resentment and pain after several months of grieving. If you do not, and you keep throwing his past sin in his face, you will slowly beat down your husband to the point that he simply gives up. You will also become a sour-faced woman who no one wants to be around!


It’s easy to let your emotions guide your behavior, but that rarely ends well. Resentment and bitterness act like a poison! You must CHOOSE to let go of bitterness. Hebrews 12:15 puts it this way: “Let no bitter root grow up among you to cause trouble and defile many.” Yes, you need to allow yourself time to grieve your pain with God and some godly girlfriends, and yes, you need to tell your husband how to regain your trust. But then, you need to stop dwelling on the past! Isaiah 43:18-19: “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing. Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?”

**or view this topic as 3 minute VIDEO BELOW

Restoring trust after betrayal

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Betrayal in marriage is so devastating. Betrayal takes many forms…adultery, use of pornography, excessive gambling, alcohol or drug abuse, etc. If your husband betrayed you in some way, you know the resulting heartbreak first-hand. If your husband has finally repented of this behavior, praise God! However, there’s almost always a secondary, deep issue that needs to be dealt with…regaining trust. That’s because betrayal is almost always engulfed in lies. The husband who has an affair does so in secret and deceives his wife about his whereabouts. The husband who has an alcohol problem usually drinks secretly and lies about his drinking.


So, how does a wife learn to trust after betrayal? Well, the first part is up to you. You must clearly communicate what you need from your husband in order to begin to trust him again. Here is what I suggest. Let him know you will only be able to begin trusting again if you see him taking actual steps toward serious accountability and recovery. I would also let him know that he needs to show that he is willing to do the hard work of recovery over the long haul, not just a few weeks. This is the essence of Matthew 3:8, which instructs us to “produce fruit in keeping with repentance.”


You need to see fruit, week after week and month after month. That “fruit” may involve long-term counseling, a treatment program, long-term involvement with a 12-step group such as AA, etc. The fruit should also mean willingness on his part to honestly account for his time, money, and computer use.
All that being said, remember to treat your husband with the same kindness, compassion and humility that you would want him to treat you if you were struggling with an addiction or had stumbled in some major way. Your husband is NOT your enemy! He needs you to encourage him, while also firmly requesting that he do the hard work to regain your trust.

Learn to follow God’s nudges

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I asked God today what was on His mind for today’s message to all of you, and I heard him whisper to my spirit, “Urge them to trust me completely and follow my prompting, even when it doesn’t seem to make sense.” Yep. That sounds exactly like what God would say! After all, throughout the Bible, we hear God revealing a plan to His servants that seemed preposterous at the time, or foolish or, at the very least, unwise. However, when the servant obeyed God, then God accomplished his perfect plan in a way that was truly astounding. The people ended up being amazed by God and his mighty power!


Consider Noah. God told him to build a humongous boat and load it with every kind of animal. What a crazy instruction! But Noah obeyed, and boy, did that ever work out well for him and his family. Consider Gideon. God told him to get rid of almost all his soldiers before taking on a huge enemy army! What a preposterous instruction! But Gideon obeyed even when it didn’t seem to make sense. In the end, God destroyed the enemy and got all the glory for that incredible victory. Consider Moses. God told him, an ordinary shepherd, to go before the Egyptian pharaoh and demand the release of the Jewish slaves. What a ridiculous idea! But Moses obeyed, and the Jewish people stood in awe of God as they were released from oppressive slavery.


Right now, God is whispering words of instruction to you. He may be counseling you to stay in a marriage that seems hopeless. He may be instructing you to leave a marriage because He may know that is best for you and your children. He may be telling you to give away more money than would seem wise in order to help those who are poor. He may be telling you to share the Gospel with someone who has been your enemy. God has plans to work through you and He is whispering instructions to you right now. Psalm 32:8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you. What He is telling you to do may seem difficult or even unwise, but if God is instructing you, I urge you to step out and obey. Trust Him. He knows what is best because He sees the future and His ways are perfect. Deuteronomy 32:4 He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he.