All work and no play make Jack and Jill….grumpy. Could this be the case for you and your husband? Most American couples are way too busy. We’re working exhausting hours outside the home to make more money. We’re running the kids to 12 different activities so that they have a chance to “excel” in something. We’re throwing dinner together while doing laundry and helping the kids with algebra homework. We’re running on empty and then we wonder why we’re grumpy! Duh! We need to give ourselves permission for a mental time-out.
When is the last time you and your husband let the house chores wait and decided to watch a funny movie? When is the last time you guys invited some couples over for “game night”? You need to give yourself permission to play every once and awhile. Your brain and your body need a rest. You need to have fun and spend some time laughing. Proverbs 17:22 says “A cheerful heart is good medicine“. Maybe your marriage needs a spoonful of this medicine…the medicine called fun and laughter. It’s a great antidote for grumpiness. 🙂
I first wrote this devotional several years ago, but I know it will help one of you today. Here’s what I wrote:
As I’m writing this devotional on November 16, 2021, it has officially been one week since my beloved husband Raul passed away unexpectedly from covid. My world is turned upside down. Everything changed in an instant. The grief was and is intense. It comes in waves. There is a gaping hole where we used to partner together in daily life and in ministry. The love of my life is gone, and although I rejoice that he is with Jesus, I can’t help but feel like this is all so unfair.
Perhaps you are going through something equally as devastating; different, but still devastating. You may have a prodigal teen who is getting into trouble with drugs. You may have just received a cancer diagnosis that has rocked your world. You and I will definitely need to grieve the losses in our lives. Sometimes we mourn the actual loss of a loved one, and other times, we need to grieve the loss of what we thought our life or our health or our family would be like.
This morning, when I was trying to worship God through my pain, he gently gave me a different perspective that helped me quite a bit, so I would like to share it with you in the hope that it will somehow help you even a tiny bit as well. As I was grieving and asking him the “why did you allow this to happen” question, he whispered to me “But I gave you a gift that you didn’t deserve. I gave you 16 wonderful years with Raul.” Mind-blown. Perspective shifted. I suddenly realized that I’m a sinner who has made mistakes in my life, and yet God, in his extravagant kindness, chose to bless me with a gift I didn’t deserve…for 16 years. It made me thankful. Instead of sinking into depression and bitterness, I realized that God blessed me beyond measure with 16 great years.
God’s kindness to me reminded me to stop fixating on my pain and to start thinking about what I should be truly thankful for. Then this verse came to mind. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 “give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” Even though you are going through something painful, can you take a moment to remember ways that God has blessed you? He IS a loving God. He blesses us more than we deserve.
Some of you have had a rough couple of months or couple of years in your marriage. You may have a mountain-size load of resentment toward your husband. Perhaps your husband also holds a gigantic amount of resentment toward you. If this is you….if you find yourself in the pit of despair regarding your marriage, I want to encourage you to blow up that marriage. Yep. You heard me right. Blow up your marriage in order to start fresh and build a better one, with the same husband!
Sometimes, we just need to start over when something in our lives has gone terribly wrong. However, our first impulse is to throw out the whole thing; to discard the thing that has brought heartache and disappointment. But that doesn’t give God any room to work, and that attitude basically lets both your husband and you off the hook in terms of making any changes in how you do relationships. If you toss out your existing marriage, you’ll just bring the same dysfunctional patterns into your next relationship.
So, how about completely resetting your marriage? Listen to what God says in Isaiah 43:18-19 “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland”. What if you were to apply those words to your marriage? The devil wants to keep you focused on past hurts. That way you will be forever stuck. Don’t fall for his evil plot against you!Starting today, stop dwelling on the past, sit down with your husband and ask him if he would be willing to start afresh, with BOTH of you putting actual daily effort into blessing the other, serving the other, speaking the other’s love language, and showing care for the other. This attitude shift can accomplish absolutely amazing things!
I’ve noticed something, both in my marriage to my late husband Raul and my current husband Mark. I tend to take their small kindnesses and hard work for granted! I don’t mean to do that. I don’t intentionally do that, but God has made me aware that I do indeed take my husband for granted instead of noticing and appreciating the little and big things he does.
For instance, for about 10 years, starting on our wedding night, my late husband Raul massaged my feet every single night right before I went to sleep. I started to take that kindness for granted. In fact, I remember asking him perhaps 2 or 3 years after we were married, “Why do you like massaging my feet?” His answer was so interesting. He said, “I don’t like to do it. I do it to show my love for you.” Oh!! In my pea brain, I thought he did it because he wanted to. But he did it because he was sacrificing his own interests to be a blessing to me!
Fast forward to my current husband Mark. He often leaves me little love notes tucked under my computer or in a kitchen drawer or under my jewelry box. Does he take the time to do that because he likes to do that? I don’t think so. He does those little things because he knows I enjoy romance.
My point is this. We often take for granted those little, kind acts and even the big things our husbands do. We don’t stop to think that maybe they are sacrificing what they want to do to do things that make us happy or display love to us. When your husband works hard for the family, stop taking that for granted! When he brings you a cup of coffee, don’t take that for granted. No one likes to be taken for granted. Instead, notice what your husband does for you and be thankful! Gratitude is nourishing for your marriage, but it also pleases God. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
Several years ago, I asked my late husband Raul what one thing most husbands really wish their wife would understand. Here is what he said. Most men long for their wife to notice something good about them and to tell them what they see! It could be a positive character quality he displays. It could be the fact that he works hard to provide for the family. It could be a talent he has. It could be the way you notice him submitting himself to God.
According to Raul, men desperately need this validation because most men feel like a failure much of the time. In fact, my late husband described men as being a bit like dry bones in a desert, in desperate need of water. Your words can provide water for those dry bones and breathe life back into your man! Proverbs 16:24 puts it this way, “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”
Will you commit to finding something to affirm about your husband every day for the next 7 days? Will you commit to actually telling him about the good you see? He will soak up those words like a sponge, and it will bring life back into the dry bones of his spirit.
I don’t know about you, but I sometimes feel my shoulder and neck muscles getting really tight. My head starts to throb. I even sometimes feel a little short of breath…or like I can’t even draw a full breath. These are all warning signs that I am filled with toxic anxiety and worry!
What is the remedy for anxiety and worry. Well, the solution is often really quite simple (although hard to remember to do!). We must remind ourselves that Jesus loves us and that he is completely trustworthy! We need to speak truth to our souls!
King David, who wrote many of the Psalms. often talked to his soul. In tough situations or when he was consumed with fear, he would basically give a pep talk to his soul. He would remind his soul of the truth about God. For instance, in Psalm 42:5, David writes “Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” Is it time to talk truth to your soul?
I regain peace when I remind my soul that God is loving, God is powerful, God is wise, and God is in control!
From both personal experience and counseling wives in crisis, I can say with certainty that allowing resentment to go unchecked spells doom for a marriage! Think about it. If you are really upset with your husband about something, or really frustrated with him, or hurt by his behavior…do you respectfully discuss your feelings and concerns with him? Do you courageously deal with the issue, or do you tend to stuff it under the rug, hoping things will just magically get better?
If you’re a conflict avoider, it’s so very easy to stuff instead of confront! It FEELS safer and more peaceful to just hope that your husband changes his behavior. That way you won’t have any tense moments and you won’t get in a “fight”. Unfortunately, if you say nothing, nothing is likely to actually change. Sometimes a husband doesn’t even know what his wife is upset about! And here’s the real problem. If you don’t address your resentment, it will grow bigger and bigger and bigger until you are likely to explode months or years down the line. That resentment will have turned your heart cold and hard toward your husband, and you may end up saying those fateful words “I’m done”. Don’t let it get this far!
Your husband needs you to calmly and respectfully explain why you are upset and what you are asking him to change. He may disagree, but then you guys can talk about it. Talk it through. Ask the Holy Spirit to give you courage and the timing and the right words to bring up the concern with your husband…soon. Seek a counselor’s help if you need to. Just make sure you don’t let your resentment go unaddressed. As Hebrews 12:15 say, “See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” Don’t let a bitter root start growing that ends up causing big trouble!
Have you ever caved in when you should have set boundaries in a relationship because of the “what if” questions? What if he leaves me? What if he leaves me and I won’t be able to take care of myself? What if he gets really upset if I confront him? What if….?
When you find yourself paralyzed with fear because of the “what if” questions, it usually means one of three things. Either you don’t really trust God when he says in Hebrews 13:5 that he will “never leave you nor forsake you”. Or it means you have allowed the spirit of fear to dominate your thoughts. Or it could mean that you have become your own worst enemy and convinced yourself you’ll never be able to set boundaries and stick to them. In other words, you’ve pummeled yourself with negative self-talk!
You CAN overcome these paralyzing fears. How about choosing to trust God’s promise to never leave your side (Hebrews 13:5)? Maybe it’s time to command the spirit of fear to leave you, in the name of Jesus (2 Timothy 1:7). Perhaps you need to stop telling yourself that you’ll fall to pieces if you respectfully draw a firm boundary. Coach your soul just like King David did throughout the Psalms. Tell yourself you will not crumble. Remind yourself you will not fall apart. Philippians 4:13 says “I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.” With Jesus by your side, you have all you need. You’re not doing this alone!
I was talking with several women recently, and we came to the realization that one of the most attractive qualities in a person is…humility. I’m not talking about a woman who is a doormat or a woman who is timid as a mouse. I’m talking about the quality of being more focused on how to bless others than spending time subtly drawing attention to yourself and your achievements. I’m talking about the woman who is able to admit mistakes or shortcomings and work to improve in holiness and righteousness. I’m talking about the woman who deflects all praise given her, and instead, directs praise to the One who is the source of any of her abilities and talents. That kind of woman is super attractive as a friend. That kind of woman is also super attractive to her husband!
No husband wants a self-righteous wife who subtly communicates that she is better than him. No husband wants a wife who can’t admit mistakes and genuinely apologize. No husband wants a wife who constantly highlights her own achievements but rarely says anything encouraging to him. No husband wants a wife who is focused on her own desires but treats his desires as insignificant. This begs the question. What kind of wife are you?
Consider this super instructive Bible instruction in Philippians 2:3-4 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. And also meditate on 1 Peter 5:5 All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”
Humility. It’s a super attractive quality. I have begun praying every morning for God to give me a spirit of humility for that day. Should you do the same?
A wife’s words are so impactful! I have written devotionals in the past about the power of pausing during a heated conversation with our men so that we refrain from responding with words that are harsh or mean….something we’ll likely regret later. Well, there’s also another reason to pause. As women, we need to pause before we offer casual bits of advice or “wisdom” to our husbands.
I don’t think we realize how our guys are greatly influenced by us! We might think they aren’t really paying that much attention to a casual suggestion we toss out, but often they are. In fact, many husbands in the Bible were greatly influenced by something their wives said, and the wives rarely had good advice! I think especially of Sarah telling Abraham to sleep with her servant in order for him to have a son, since she was getting impatient waiting for God to fulfill his promise to give her children! Read the story in Genesis 16:1-4 and you will find out Sarah’s decision didn’t turn out so well!
So, let’s think twice before we offer a morsel of our brilliant counsel during a conversation with our men. I remember so clearly a time I did that several years ago with my husband and he immediately acted upon it. I hadn’t really even thought it through, let alone prayed about it. It wasn’t actually a good suggestion that I tossed out at him carelessly! Thankfully, there was no harm done, but it got me to thinking about the need to really pause and pray about any suggestions or counsel I decide to pass on to my husband. How about you?
The Appreciated Wife 