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3 things men want in communication

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Want to improve your communication interactions with your husband?  Well, maybe it would help if you understood three things that really matter to most men when it comes to communication.  Here they are:

1)  Most husbands prefer that their wife be direct in stating what they want or need.  They don’t respond to hints.  They don’t want to have to read between the lines or try to read your mind.  They just want you to come right out and state what you want or need…and it helps if you can state your needs calmly, without a lot of drama or intense emotion.

2)  Most husbands want you to keep it simple and short.  They don’t want long explanations or fascinating details.  Their minds begin to wander after about 30 seconds!  So get to the point quickly.  Ecclesiastes 5:3 is a good reminder.  It says “Many words mark the speech of a fool“.

3)  All husbands need their wives to be respectful, both while talking and while listening. This is Biblical. Ephesians 5:33 says “the wife must respect her husband“.  This means speaking to your husband in a respectful tone and making sure your body language and facial expressions show honor.  No eye-rolling!  It also means that you listen attentively when your husband is speaking to you, and you refrain from interrupting him, finishing his sentences, or correcting him.  Oh, and one more thing.  It means you let him have a few moments to unwind when he comes in the door at the end of the day before you launch into a big discussion! 

Best marriages are anti-woke!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Are you familiar with the term “woke” as used in our culture today?  It gets tossed around a lot and a huge number of people seem to be pretty proud to declare that they are “woke”.  Basically, the word (as it is being applied in today’s culture) means awakened to social injustice and unfairness and the lack of equity for all people.

Well, I’m probably going to offend the “woke” crowd by what I’m about to say.  While the Lord is indeed a God of justice, and He does call his people to make sure justice is carried out for the oppressed, He does not tell His followers to fight for fairness and equity in their own relationships!  Instead, He actually calls His followers to be more concerned for other people than for themselves!  Philippians 2:3-4 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

What I’ve learned along my journey in marriage is that self-sacrifice and working to serve the other person is that secret sauce to a great marriage!  And if you BOTH do that, wow!  Your marriage will be amazing!   However, if you focus on getting that other person to meet your needs, and wait for them to give equally back to you, you’re going to be a miserable, resentful, disappointed person.

Maybe it’s time to try God’s way of doing relationships.  Try being anti-woke. Don’t wait for the other person to give to you and meet your desires.  Give to them.  Look for ways to bless them.  It’s the secret sauce to a great marriage, and even if your marriage doesn’t improve right away, you’ll know that you’ve been a great representative of the Lord.  After all, that’s how He treats us!  He is definitely anti-woke in the way He interacts with us.  He gives a whole lot more than He receives.

Wives must know this about emotions!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Do you tend to get loud when you get upset?  Are you prone to big, dramatic displays of your emotions, whether joy, frustration or sadness?  Well you might not know this, but most men are really uncomfortable with big displays of emotion.  This isn’t true for ALL men, but for most men.

In other words, if you’re a drama queen….your husband will likely try to escape your presence!  He just doesn’t know what to do with your larger-than-life emotions.  Maybe this is why 1 Peter 3:4 advises wives to have the beauty that comes from a “gentle and quiet spirit“.   

Most men much prefer that their wives discuss their emotions, fears, disappointments, frustrations, and joy in a calm manner.  Your husband will be much more likely to engage in a meaningful discussion with you if you can speak in a normal tone of voice, without waving around your arms.  Try it!

Simple way to show husband respect

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

All men crave respect, and husbands especially crave the respect of their wives.  In fact, the Bible even commands wives to respect their husbands!  You can find this instruction in Ephesians 5:33.  The question is:  How can you offer respect to your husband in a meaningful way?

Here is one way to show your husband honor and respect.  Ask his opinion about how he would like things to go in your home and in your marriage relationship, listen attentively, and actually carry out his requests that are within reason.  When you do this, you are showing him that he matters!  You are also carrying out another instruction to wives found in Ephesians 5:22 where God says “Wives, submit to your husbands, as to the Lord“. 

Here are some examples of what I’m talking about.  Have you asked your husband how he likes you to dress or fix your hair?  Why not honor him by doing these things the way he likes?  Have you asked your husband what’s most important to him when he walks through the door at the end of his workday?  Would he like you and the kids to greet him at the door with kisses, or would he prefer to have 10 minutes of peace and quiet to unwind?  Have you asked your husband how many activities he thinks is ideal for the children? 

Ask him, listen to his opinion, and begin incorporating his desires into your routine.  This will communicate respect, and when he feels your respect, your whole marriage relationship will likely improve!

Guard marriage from 3 common pitfalls

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

As I’ve worked with hundreds of wives over 15 years of women’s ministry, I’ve noticed some common traps that end up destroying a marriage.  We must be alert to the subtle scheme of the enemy!  1 Peter 5:8-9 (amplified translation) Be sober [well balanced and self-disciplined], be alert and cautious at all times. That enemy of yours, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion [fiercely hungry], seeking someone to devour. 9 But resist him, be firm in your faith [against his attack—rooted, established, immovable]…

So please allow me to help you be alert to 3 common pitfalls or schemes of the enemy:

  1. Allowing yourself to emotionally connect with another man, whether on social media or workplace.  This is SO dangerous.  The moment you start confiding in another man or sharing your troubles or heartbreaks, you will start to emotionally bond with that man.  So, resist the urge to share your marriage troubles with another man, unless he’s a trained counselor!
  2. Believing your marriage should be like the ones in romantic comedies.  Oh boy.  Our culture has glorified romance and made it seem that your guy should be the most romantic, tender, loving, understanding, empathetic, compassionate listener when he comes home to you at the end of the day, while slaying dragons at the workplace and out in the world during the day!  Impossible!  Don’t fall for this scheme from the pit of hell.  The devil wants you to believe you’ve been ripped off and should trade in your husband because he isn’t exactly like the guys portrayed in romantic comedies and romance novels.  Your guy can’t be that perfect!!
  3. Letting resentment go unaddressed. This is such a subtle and slow killer of marriages.  When you stuff issues, rather than working all the way through them, resentment slowly poisons your hearts to your husband.  Ephesians 4:26-27 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold“

** or view this topic as a 4 minute VIDEO BELOW

Apply God’s big command to wives

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

The Lord gives wives a very misunderstood instruction in the Bible.  It’s a command that can seem kind of strange, to tell the truth!  The Bible instructs wives in Ephesians 5:33 to respect their husbands.  But what does that really mean?  Well, when I looked up the original Greek word for respect, it means “to be in awe of” or “to revere”.  Oh my!  You may love your husband, but I bet you don’t think of treating him like you “revere” him!

I wonder how your marriage would be impacted if you really sought to revere your husband?  Hmmm.  Well, first we need to better understand the word “revere”.  Webster’s dictionary says revere means to treat with deferential honor or to regard as worthy of great honor.  Are you starting to get the picture? 

Here’s my challenge to you this week. 😊  Would you be willing to strive to treat your husband as if everything he says is really worth your complete attention?  Yes, this means actually paying attention when he speaks and treating his thoughts, feelings and ideas as very important.  That’s how a person should respond if they think someone is worthy of great honor.  Are you doing this with your husband?  Treating him with honor might mean asking his opinion on how things should run in your family and then actually incorporating his ideas!  Treating him with “awe” might mean taking a few seconds to actually walk over and greet him with a smile and a kiss when he comes home…as if he’s important!

I wonder how your marriage would be impacted if you started showing respect to your husband (whether you FEEL like it or not)?  I have a sneaking suspicion that your guy would stand a little taller, feel more confident, enjoy emotional intimacy with you much more, and maybe even be more courageous in seeking to honor God!

Avoid this crazy cycle in marriage!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

In every marriage, there will certainly be times where you find yourself disappointed or frustrated with your husband.  The question isn’t…how can you and I avoid those challenging times?  The question is…how are we going to respond to the challenge?

I’ve met many wives who allow themselves to sink into self-pity or get all riled up with anger toward their husband.  Neither one of those responses is helpful!  In fact, a crazy cycle begins in the marriage.  The wife lets her husband know how disappointed she is in him…he feels like a failure so he either responds with mean words or withdraws…she gets even more disappointed…and the cycle continues!  Please allow me to suggest a couple of new ways to look at those times when your husband has frustrated or disappointed you:

Instead of focusing solely on what he’s doing wrong, choose to rejoice in what he’s doing right.  This is the essence of Philippians 4:8 “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.”  In other words, instead of developing a sour taste in your mouth by dwelling on his every fault, choose to look at your husband as a work in progress.  God doesn’t transform a person overnight (including you!).  So, choose to relish in the sweetness of every good thing your husband does and every good choice he makes.  For your soul, it will be like sipping on sweet lemonade instead of sucking on bitter lemons.

P.S.  You’ll look a lot more attractive to your husband when your mouth isn’t puckered up like you’ve been sucking on sour lemons!

P.S.S. If your husband is WAY out of bounds with his behavior and actually sinning against you, you may need to establish some firm boundaries, while at the same time choosing to remind yourself of his good qualities as well!

Husbands desire “plain-speak”!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

This little devotional really addresses and accomplishes two separate things:  blessing your man in a way that will also bless you!

Here’s something I’ve come to realize.  Wives have a need to feel loved and cherished, but this need is largely misunderstood by the male species!  We might have read the book “The 5 love languages” and we may have even told our husbands what our love language is, but alas, he does not seem to be “speaking” that love language.  So, we grow more and more disappointed every day. 

But here’s the big idea.  Maybe we need to clearly and plainly communicate exactly HOW your husband can carry out your particular love language.  In other words, tell him plainly!  Don’t hint.  Don’t just expect him to know.  Your love language may very well be a foreign language to him.  And even if he has the same love language, he might want it carried out in a different way than what you desire.  So, tell him clearly and plainly what you need to feel loved.  Tell him clearly and plainly what you need him to do in areas where you have been growing disappointed.

Hebrews 10:24 (amplified) says:  and let us consider [thoughtfully] how we may encourage one another to love and to do good deeds.   Maybe a way we carry out this instruction in marriage is to clearly communicate exactly how to love and do good deeds for each other.  And when it comes to the male species, let’s remember that they are not mind readers.  Men appreciate “plain-speak”.  Just tell them what you want or need!  They will be blessed, and likely, you will be also. 😊

How to create more peaceful home

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

You know the saying “If mom’s not happy, nobody’s happy”?  It’s so true!  So if you’ve noticed your kids have been acting up a lot and/or your husband is grouchy, one possible reason is because YOU are not peaceful.  Your mood and your stress are contagious.

Ask God to reveal to you what things may be causing a foul mood or extra stress in your life, and then ask Him to show you if there are things you can do to improve the situation.  Is there something stressful in your life that you should eliminate?  Do you need to ask God to help you forgive someone instead of holding onto bitterness and resentment? 

Do whatever it takes to regain a peaceful and gentle spirit.  God instructs wives to have such a demeanor in 1 Peter 3:3-4 where He says, “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes.  Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”  Let’s become beautiful to our husbands and children by cultivating that gentle and quiet spirit.  You may have to make some changes in your schedule, but it will be worth it!

Create a sense of team in marriage

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

99% of wives would like to feel more emotional intimacy and connection with their husbands, but often a husband and wife end up drifting apart as the years of marriage pass by.  This is especially true when children come on the scene.  You get super busy and absorbed with the kids and your husband feels unimportant, unvalued, and un-needed.

However, there is one simple step you can take to begin changing that dynamic.  Start asking your husband for his opinion!  Ask him his thoughts on the right number of activities for the kids.  Ask him his thoughts on how to best arrange the living room furniture.  Ask his opinion on what is most important to him in terms of cleaning and tidying the house.  (You might be surprised that most men would prefer you focus on keeping the home tidy rather than clean).

By asking your husband for his opinion, you’re communicating that he matters.  You’re communicating that he is a needed and valued team member.  You’re communicating that he is respected by you!  He needs that respect.  He’s wired to crave your respect.  That’s why God gave a clear instruction to wives in Ephesians 5:33.  It simply says “The wife must respect her husband.”  So, start respecting your husband by asking his opinion and truly considering his thoughts and desires.  You will find that he likes being around you more, and you will develop a powerful sense of “team” in your marriage.