things

This constitutes emotional abuse

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Yesterday, we examined what constitutes physical abuse within a marriage.  Today, let’s explore something much more subtle and overlooked…verbal and/or emotional abuse.  Once again, I strongly urge women to take a stand against abuse of any kind.  Keep in mind, you are showing your children (especially your daughters) that either women are supposed to be weak, helpless, perpetual victims or that women can be confident and strong while still displaying love and kindness.

After doing much research, here’s a fairly comprehensive list of behavior that constitutes verbal, emotional or psychological abuse:  Frequently calling you obscene names, often yelling in rage, a pattern of constantly criticizing you and putting you down, prolonged periods of refusing to talk to you at all, pattern of ridiculing or making fun of you, pattern of mocking you or mean-spirited sarcasm, verbal threats of violence, intimidation through displaying knives or guns, constantly accusing you of wrongdoing, forbidding you to talk to parents or siblings, preventing you from leaving the house, refusing to allow you to talk on the phone, forbidding you from speaking to friends or neighbors, gas-lighting you by causing you to question your memory of what happened.

Again, I urge you to take a stand against this kind of abuse.  You are a valuable woman.  You are God’s daughter and precious in His sight.  Don’t allow yourself to be emotionally pummeled.  You will slowly be destroyed.  That is NOT God’s plan for you.  In fact, God instructs us to guard our hearts in Proverbs 4:23….”Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life“.  If you are suffering this kind of abuse, please talk to your pastor, pastor’s wife, or a certified counselor.  Your husband may be upset, but you must protect your heart.  By the way, if you fear for your physical safety as a result of revealing the emotional abuse, then take protective measures such as moving to a friend’s home or a domestic violence shelter while you work through the issues with your husband.

2 surprising things husbands want!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

In the last couple of months, I have hosted several panel discussions featuring husbands.  I had a chance to ask husbands of different ages various questions designed to help wives grasp what husbands want and need from their wives. 

Most wives already know that most husbands want a good meal and sex!  That’s nothing new.  However, there were 2 new things I learned, and I noticed quite a few of the wives in attendance were also a bit surprised by 2 common answers.

When asked about how a wife’s respect impacts a man, many of the husbands said they feel respected if their wife stops what she’s doing and actually listens closely to what he has to say.  All this time, most women have yearned for their husbands to listen to them, but it turns out that men really want their wives to be intentional and respectful listeners also!  They feel respected and important if their wife actually pays attention to them and hears what they’re trying to communicate.

Another interesting thing I learned is that most of the men agreed that what makes their wife especially attractive (other than physical beauty) is being joyful and happy.  Wow!  That is something we have control over.  The saying “happy wife, happy life” is apparently very true!  One husband said he finds his wife beautiful when she smiles.  Another husband said he finds his wife especially attractive when she seems happy and filled with joy.  Proverbs 17:22 puts it this way, A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. 

Two things most husbands want:  be a good listener and smile more.  We can do this, ladies!

** or view this topic as a 2 minute VIDEO BELOW

If your husband is doing things wrong!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

We are all going to be frustrated or concerned with our husbands from time to time because they aren’t doing things right. Of course, we define “right” as “our way”!!!


For you, perhaps you’re upset and frustrated with the way your husband is parenting the kids. You don’t think he’s doing it the right way. Maybe he is handling the finances differently than you would. Perhaps you disagree with his opinion on women serving in pastoral roles at your church. What is a wife to do?!
Here are 3 things that God showed me as I asked him this very question, because believe it or not, my husband and I don’t always see eye to eye on everything!


1) Ask God to help you see if you have a pride problem. Think about it. The minute you say that your husband isn’t doing things “right”, you’re implying that your way is the only way that’s correct. That’s pretty arrogant, to put it bluntly. The exception would be if your husband is entangled in a pattern of sin. That should, of course, be addressed. Otherwise, differences of opinion are normal. Different ways of handling things are normal. It doesn’t mean he’s wrong and you’re right.


2) Ask God to help you focus on what your husband is doing well; the things you can and should be grateful for. Instead of dwelling on the little differences of opinion and the small disagreements, focus on what he does well. For example, if your husband attends church and loves the Lord, be super grateful for that, instead of getting upset that his opinions about church dynamics are different than yours.


3) Ask God to help you remember that your husband is a work in progress in the hands of God. No one has arrived at perfection, including you. We are all being slowly molded and matured by God. Maturity takes time!! 2 Corinthians 3:18 puts it this way: And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. So, as you’re waiting for God to slowly transform your husband, pray that God would gently convict him if he’s off course in some area. God will definitely answer that prayer…in his own timing.

**or view this topic as a 2 minute VIDEO BELOW

Handling irritation with your husband

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Are there some little things your husband does that drive you nuts?  You’re not alone!  I was talking about conflict resolution with a group of wives recently and we started sharing some of the little things our husbands do that irritate us.  We laughed and laughed because some of the things that were really getting under our skin are actually just plain funny when you pause to think about them.  One wife shared her frustration with dirty socks taken off and left at the front door.  Another wife shared her irritation with her husband about his habit of folding sopping wet towels instead of hanging them to dry. 

As we vented our frustration, two things became clear.  First, none of these annoying little things actually matter!  They are not sinful behaviors at all. They’re just irritating (and possibly a little weird. Lol). Secondly, if we were to continue complaining about these things to our husbands, they would likely view that as nagging, which is pretty unattractive to most husbands!  Proverbs 21:19 puts it this way, “Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.”  Ouch!

Maybe it’s time for you to choose to chuckle about some of the frustrating and irritating little things your husband does instead of complaining and criticizing.  Both you and your husband will probably be happier!

**or view this topic as a 2 minute VIDEO BELOW

Are you too serious?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

There have been so many times that I have lost my cool over a trivial mistake I’ve made!  I beat myself up and feel disgusted with myself. Perhaps you’ve done the same thing a time or two.  What makes the situation even worse is then we become a grump around our husband and children. Because we have worked ourselves into a foul mood, it infects them as well. That’s the first problem caused by perfectionism.  We become grumpy, irritable people, and no one wants to be around that!! Perhaps we need to remind ourselves that we need to be able to laugh at some of our mistakes.

Here’s the second problem linked with perfectionism.  Pride.  Often, perfectionists are driven by a desire to be admired; to impress others so they will be thought of highly.   A perfectionist can’t laugh at their silly mistakes.  A perfectionist takes herself too seriously.  A perfectionist must drive herself to achieve, and achieve perfectly, because a perfectionist has a secret motivation to be admired by others.  However, this relentless need to impress others is really rooted in pride, and God detests the proud!

These days, I’m trying to let go of my pride and admit I’m a human being who isn’t perfect 100% of the time!  You know what I’ve found?  Everyone, including my family members, seems to like me better.   Humility is such an attractive quality.  Psalm 18:27 says “You save the humble but bring low those whose eyes are haughty.”  Let’s work on being humble this week.  When we mess up, and we will, let’s LOL.  Everyone around you will appreciate this new attitude!