symptoms

This constitutes emotional abuse

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Yesterday, we examined what constitutes physical abuse within a marriage.  Today, let’s explore something much more subtle and overlooked…verbal and/or emotional abuse.  Once again, I strongly urge women to take a stand against abuse of any kind.  Keep in mind, you are showing your children (especially your daughters) that either women are supposed to be weak, helpless, perpetual victims or that women can be confident and strong while still displaying love and kindness.

After doing much research, here’s a fairly comprehensive list of behavior that constitutes verbal, emotional or psychological abuse:  Frequently calling you obscene names, often yelling in rage, a pattern of constantly criticizing you and putting you down, prolonged periods of refusing to talk to you at all, pattern of ridiculing or making fun of you, pattern of mocking you or mean-spirited sarcasm, verbal threats of violence, intimidation through displaying knives or guns, constantly accusing you of wrongdoing, forbidding you to talk to parents or siblings, preventing you from leaving the house, refusing to allow you to talk on the phone, forbidding you from speaking to friends or neighbors, gas-lighting you by causing you to question your memory of what happened.

Again, I urge you to take a stand against this kind of abuse.  You are a valuable woman.  You are God’s daughter and precious in His sight.  Don’t allow yourself to be emotionally pummeled.  You will slowly be destroyed.  That is NOT God’s plan for you.  In fact, God instructs us to guard our hearts in Proverbs 4:23….”Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life“.  If you are suffering this kind of abuse, please talk to your pastor, pastor’s wife, or a certified counselor.  Your husband may be upset, but you must protect your heart.  By the way, if you fear for your physical safety as a result of revealing the emotional abuse, then take protective measures such as moving to a friend’s home or a domestic violence shelter while you work through the issues with your husband.

Subtle signs of codependency

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Over the years, I’ve met with so many women who have been almost destroyed by their husband’s behavior.  They tell stories of husbands being verbally abusive, or controlling, or unfaithful, or only interested in themselves with no concern for their wife. It’s heartbreaking for sure.  And, honestly, I can relate to some of their stories in my own previous relationships.

If you are in an abusive marriage or your husband is cheating on you, of course, I would recommend seeking immediate guidance from a pastor, women’s ministry leader or Christian counselor.  You need not endure or enable such sinful and hurtful behavior.

That being said, I also want to urge you to break free from a subtle but huge snare of our culture.  Our culture has convinced many of us that our husbands should make us happy, that our husbands should meet all our emotional and relational needs.  Here’s the problem with that expectation.  All husbands are imperfect!  Many husbands struggle with sin.  Lots of men have their own deep emotional wounds from childhood that prompt them to lash out in anger or seek validation from other women.  If you rely on your husband for your “happiness”, you will live in a constant state of disappointment, grief and resentment.  You will have fallen into the subtle trap of codependency which prompts you to subconsciously depend on people to meet your deep emotional needs for love and security, rather than depend on God.

Instead, I ask you to look to God alone as your main love relationship!  God alone is steady.  God alone is your perfect help and refuge during life’s challenges.  Psalm 62:6-8 He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken.  My victory and honor come from God alone.      He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me.  O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge.

** or view this topic as a 3 minute VIDEO BELOW

Signs he has an online problem

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

In case you weren’t yet aware, pornography is a gigantic cancer that is rapidly destroying marriages and entire families. Hundreds of millions of men regularly view pornography (and many women too), and even among Christian men, the problem is rampant. Goodness, even a majority of pastors admit to struggling with temptations to view porn. Back in 2001, a survey found that 54% of pastors had viewed pornography in the past year. I’m sure the numbers are much higher these days.

Why is pornography such a big deal? Well, marriage counselors will tell you, and I will tell you from counseling many women in crisis in their marriages, that pornography usage almost always escalates into something truly horrific. When a man starts viewing pornography, he almost always progresses to more and more perverse pornography as he chases that “buzz” from viewing something sexually arousing. Unfortunately, in many cases, the man can no longer get his “fix” from pornography and ends up committing sexual acts outside of marriage. In either case, the marriage is often destroyed and families are torn apart.

What are some signs of a possible porn problem for your husband? Some common signs include no longer being interested in sex with you, coming to bed after you or exiting the bedroom in the middle of the night, and requesting increasingly perverse or odd sex acts from you. If you notice some of these signs, it may be time to have a serious talk with your husband. However, don’t approach him as an enemy. Approach him in love, as his helper. Remember, in Genesis 2:18, God says “It is not good for man to be alone; I will make a helper suitable for him.” Approach your husband kindly, but firmly, and let him know you want to help him tackle this problem that could harm both him and your family. Insist that he seek serious, long-term help and accountability.

Signs husband has online problem

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I believe one of Satan’s most successful schemes to destroy marriages and families is….pornography.  Glancing once or twice at porn might seem relatively harmless, but it can rapidly become an addiction.  Once a person becomes addicted, they find they need to move to progressively more perverse types of porn in order to achieve the same arousal.  Then, even perverse porn no longer gives the same satisfaction and they often end up acting out in real life situations, sometimes ending up with prostitutes or same-sex encounters.   Marriages are torn apart in the process.  Plus, of course, your husband looking at another woman’s naked body is not okay with God!  Jesus says in Matthew 5:28, “If anyone looks at a woman lustfully, he has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

We can’t be ignorant to this pornography epidemic in America.  Even among Christians, HUGE numbers of both men and women are ensnared by habitual porn use.  In fact, a survey of pastors done back in 2001 revealed that almost 40% say pornography is a struggle for them!  As wives, we need to be alert to the signs that our husbands could be addicted to pornography.  Here are some common signs of habitual porn use:

  • Your husband no longer seems interested in having sex with you
  • Your man is becoming rough during sex or wants you to engage in perverse sexual acts
  • Your husband seems to be on the internet a lot, especially when you are out of the room
  • Your husband is very secretive and seems to be avoiding straight answers about activities

If your husband shows some or most of these signs, you may need to lovingly address the possibility of a pornography problem with him.  Keep in mind your husband is not the enemy, and if you make him feel like he is your enemy, he won’t feel safe to discuss this problem with you.  Be gentle, loving, and respectful, but DO address this issue.  Take action to fight for your marriage!