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3 P’s to transform your marriage

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Recently, I was thinking about how several Bible principles keep on coming up over and over again as we help women navigate challenges in their marriages.  It dawned on me that 3 of these principles start with the letter P!

Pause:  One of the biggest things you can do when you’re disappointed or frustrated with your husband (or in the middle of an argument) is to pause before you blurt out something that only makes the tension worse!  Pause.  Pause.  Pause.  Take a moment to consider how what you’re about to say will impact the relationship.  Will it likely lead to a healthier relationship or will it crush your husband or cause him to give up on trying to make the marriage work.  Proverbs 12:18  The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.  During that pause, choose words of hope and love, even if you need to set a firm boundary with your husband.

Pivot:  Pivot from past disappointments instead of dwelling on the ways your husband didn’t meet your expectations in the past.  Don’t let bitterness take root and become a cancer in your marriage!  Also, pivot from dwelling on your husband’s flaws or the ways he isn’t meeting your expectations currently.  The devil would LOVE to have you dwell on what’s wrong instead of what’s right. Then you become a sour-faced shrew!  I’m not saying you should avoid setting boundaries with your husband if he’s sinning against you.  However, you must pivot from only focusing on what’s wrong, to purposely reviewing what’s right about him!  Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Pray:  News flash here.  You don’t have the power to change your husband if he is off course. But God does!  So, bring all your concerns to God in continual prayer.  Also, I’ve learned it’s super wise to pray as I sense a disagreement developing with my husband or when I feel disappointed in him.  I pray to God and ask Him to show me what is causing my husband to act that way or take a certain viewpoint.  When I strain to listen to God’s whisper to my heart, He often sheds light on the situation, and I develop a deeper understanding and compassion for my husband.  Jeremiah 33:3  ‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’

The decision that saves marriages

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I was just reflecting on all the couples I’ve known over the years who faced huge challenges in their marriages, but ended up pushing through the pain and obstacles to overcome and even thrive in their marriages. Yes, some wives saw their marriage end in divorce, but many wives decided to persevere in their marriage, and they are now enjoying the fruit of that perseverance!


Here’s the truth. We will all face times of challenge in our marriages, and during those times, it’s so tempting to throw in the towel. How many of us have thought at one point in our marriage, “I never should have married him.”? Thoughts of ending the marriage can be especially enticing if you’re facing a heartbreaking challenge like a husband engaging in adultery, a harmful addiction, or even abuse.
However, I have seen many wives press through these challenges and come out victorious on the other side with a more mature husband and a much better marriage! Sometimes, it comes down to us making the simple and yet powerful decision to persevere, to endure, to push through the difficulty as you trust in God to work in your husband’s life.


Consider Paul’s message to the church in Colossians 1:9-11, “We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience.“


Is it possible God is asking you to persevere through the trial in your marriage? If he is, what should you do as you wait? Seek guidance from God’s Word, meet with a Christian counselor, and ask the Holy Spirit for guidance. Sometimes, you may sense that you are to establish serious boundaries with your husband, which might even entail temporary separation. Other times, God might ask you to lovingly encourage your husband and speak truth to him in areas where he has been believing lies of the enemy. Paul also gives us some concise advice in Romans 12:12 “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”

Is selfishness impacting your marriage?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Selfishness. It’s such an unattractive character quality, right?! I’ve always thought most men are pretty selfish, and perhaps many are.  However, God’s been convicting me of my own selfishness! Ugh. It can be a very subtle thing for women.  In fact, selfishness is often found in a woman’s thought-life.  She may think things like this:  My husband should be more romantic toward me. How can I convince my husband that my way is right?  My husband isn’t really making me happy anymore.  I married him because he’s supposed to make me happy!  And the thoughts go on and on. 

I’m becoming convicted neither wives nor husbands will find much joy in marriage when we only look out for what we want and what we think will make us “happy”.  Actually, true joy comes from serving others and thinking of how we can bless them.  It is so counter-intuitive!  However, it is also so Biblical.  Philippians 2:3-4 says “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourself.  Each of you should look not only to his own interests but also to the interests of others.”  Maybe you should try to look at life from your husband’s perspective this week and really try to understand his point of view during disagreements. Maybe you could intentionally build him up each day and voice your appreciation for big and small things he does.  How could you bless him this week?

P.S. I know some of you are thinking, “Why should I be the only one doing this? What about my husband?”  Well, how about if you clean up your side of the street first?  I have a strong hunch that your entire marriage will improve and your husband’s heart will be drawn to you.  Are you willing to give it a try?

Handling laziness in marriage

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I bet you are checking this out because you think I’m talking about your husband’s laziness…but I’m not.  I’m actually talking about our own tendency to become lazy in terms of putting effort and intentionality into our marriages.  

Laziness is kind of like lighting a really long fuse.  You don’t really notice anything for the longest time….that is, until the explosion!   Many a wife has been burned, ending up with a husband who seeks attention from other women or who even ends up divorcing her.  We can’t afford to be sluggards in our marriages!  The Bible has lots to say about sluggards.  Proverbs 13:4 says “A sluggard’s appetite is never filled, but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied.”  This can be applied to your marriage!  Only when you are diligent in investing in your marriage are you likely to have the kind of marriage you desire.

What can you do to strengthen your marriage?  Do you need to get a babysitter and go on more dates with your husband?  Do you need to find out his love language and start speaking that language more often?  Would your marriage be strengthened if you looked for ways to encourage your husband every day and show him respect?

Try this marriage experiment

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I have taught women for over a decade about the Bible instruction for wives to display a respectful attitude toward their husbands (Ephesians 5:33), but apparently, I have had problems over the years perfecting this myself!  I still vividly remember an occasion about 10 years ago that underscored the problem.  I was in the process of texting back and forth with two different women about a need within the Squadron of Sisters wives’ ministry…when my husband came into the room and stood in front of me for at least a minute.  I didn’t look up right away because I just wanted to finish my text and be done with that task.  My husband turned around and left the room, obviously a bit irritated.  My thought was…”huh? What just happened?”

Later, I asked my husband why he was upset.  In a nutshell, it turns out that he felt as if he didn’t matter to me.  He felt that other things came before him.  He had wanted to talk with me about something important and I didn’t even look up when he stood in front of me.  He felt disrespected.  Oops. 

I spent some quiet, reflective time with God afterward, and I believe he showed me that respecting your husband means treating him with great honor.  In fact, the original Greek translation of that word “respect” in Ephesians 5:33 means “to have reverence for” or “to be in awe of”.   Wow!  Those words seem applicable to how a servant would treat a king!  Hmmm.  Maybe God wants a wife to treat her husband as if he is as important as a king or prince.  What if you tried an experiment this week?  Would you be willing to attempt to honor your husband, and pay attention to your husband, as if he were a top official or a prince (without making it too goofy or weird!!).  Are you willing to try this “respect experiment”?  I can’t wait to hear how husbands will be impacted and how marriages may be changed for the better!

5 keys to a strong marriage

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

One thing I’ve learned over my many years is that a great marriage doesn’t just magically happen.  Being “in love” when you exchange vows on your wedding day isn’t going to be enough.  You must be intentional.  Please allow me to share 5 simple but profound keys to building a strong, lasting, healthy marriage.  Conveniently, God gave me this acrostic to help both you and I remember these 5 keys!  Together, the letters spell G-R-E-A-T, as in a great marriage!

G:  stands for God, as in making sure that God is your number one relationship instead of trying to get your husband to meet all your emotional needs and expecting him to be your source of happiness.  (Matthew 22:36-37)

R: stands for resentment, as in making sure that you address resentment quickly so that it can’t choke the life out of your marriage.  (Hebrews 12:15)

E:  stands for effort, as in being diligent to speak your husband’s love language, pay attention to him, create fun moments with him, do small things he appreciates, and build a vibrant sex life with him!  (Proverbs 13:4)

A: stands for ask God to show you how YOU need to change, grow, and eliminate old unhealthy patterns in your own life such as conflict avoidance or having a critical tongue.  (Colossians 3:5-10)

T:  stands for treasure, as in purposely reminding yourself of the good qualities you can treasure in your husband instead of allowing yourself to dwell on his imperfections.  (Philippians 4:8)