True confession: Often, in my marriage to my late husband Raul, I found myself wanting to jump in and “fix things” for my husband. Sometimes, I did this because I feared his mood would grow ugly if I didn’t take steps to improve his circumstances. Sometimes, I did this because I feared that his ministry could stumble if he didn’t do things the “correct” way. Sometimes, I did this because I thought his relationship with our kids would suffer if I didn’t intervene. Sometimes, I did this because I feared…..
Hmmm. When it comes right down to it, fear is the common feeling behind all of the times I jumped in to act as my husband’s savior. Unfortunately, fear usually causes us to act unwisely. Proverbs 29:25 says, “Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.“
Here’s something to ponder. Every time you jump in to “fix” things for your husband, you actually prevent your man from turning to God for help. Every time you try to prevent your husband from feeling any discomfort or pain, you might be preventing him from digging down deep roots into God’s nourishment for his soul. Resist the urge to be your husband’s savior. There is only one perfect savior anyway. His name is Jesus Christ.
There’s a golden phrase I discovered many years ago. When I started using it, I found it helped prevent my husband from getting defensive when I was upset or frustrated about something he had said or done. Instead of accusing him of doing something wrong, I learned to kindly and sincerely ask this question: “Help me understand why…”
This simple question prevents the monster of defensiveness from raising its ugly head. By asking your husband to “help me understand”, you’re communicating two things to your husband. 1) You really do care about his perspective and feelings, and 2) You’re acknowledging there may actually be a legitimate reason for why he did or said whatever. At least, you’re giving him a chance to explain himself before you start arguing with him or condemning him!!
By asking your husband to help you understand his behavior or perspective, you’re avoiding a foolish argument. Proverbs 18:2 says “Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.” By asking your husband to help you understand his perspective, you’re pleasing both God and your husband by living out the instructions in Philippians 2:4 “Each of you should consider not only your own interests, but also the interests of others.”
Try this phrase when you sense a potential ugly argument is headed your way. You can not only use this phrase with your husband, but with your children, your in-laws, your co-workers, your boss, and more. Again, the phrase (actually a question) is….”Help me understand why…”
If your husband has an addiction or often engages in some kind of destructive or sinful behavior, you have 2 choices. Choice # 1: You can wring your hands in despair and do nothing…which means that his disturbing behavior will likely continue, and your heart will slowly grow resentful and cold toward your husband. That choice will slowly kill your marriage! Choice #2: You can courageously talk to your husband and request him to change his behavior (or get help in changing his behavior). From personal experience, I highly recommend choice #2!
Here are 3 keys that are especially important if you choose to address this issue with your husband.
Be very specific about what you’re asking your husband to do in order to change his behavior. For instance, if he has a drinking or pornography problem, he will almost certainly need help in disentangling himself from this addiction. So search out helpful 12-step programs or reputable counselors in your area ahead of time and tell him that in order for you guys to keep moving forward in your marriage, you need him to attend a specific number of sessions over a specific period of time. I would certainly recommend that he attend some kind of program/counselor at least once a week for at least 6 months. Addictions and other sinful patterns are hard to break. He will need sustained help.
Expect your husband to be unhappy about this request! Many husbands will try to blame you or other circumstances for their personal problems. Many husbands will also attend a program or see a counselor for one or two sessions and then say “it isn’t helping me”. That’s usually just an excuse. Don’t accept that answer, unless they are willing to try a different program or counselor right away.
Balance your request with words of hope and encouragement. Proverbs 18:21 says Death and life are in the power of the tongue. Remember, you’re asking your husband to do some very hard work, so speak life-giving words to him. Tell him that you see good qualities in him, and that you will do anything you can to help him on his journey to break free from addiction. Your husband will respond so much better if you are compassionate and gentle, yet firm. Proverbs 15:1 “A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
Most women are plagued by insecurity. As a result of our insecurity, we end up putting up with rude or abusive behavior from others. Our insecurity leads up to covet what other women have. Our insecurity prompts us to put other people down so we look better in comparison. When we are drowning in insecurity, we tend to expect a man to be the “answer”. We seek and catch a husband and then expect him to make us feel better about ourselves by constantly telling us that we’re beautiful, desirable, smart, funny, intelligent, etc. However, husbands are imperfect themselves, and something could happen to take them away from you! Therefore, a husband can’t be a reliable source of security for you.
I believe we would benefit by frequently meditating on 3 particular Bible verses. They are great reminders of how God sees us and who He is to us. The first one is a reminder that He loves us and even delights in us! This verse portrays the picture of a loving father tenderly cradling his daughter in his arms. Here is the verse. Zephaniah 3:17 “The Lord your God is with you. He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you. He will quiet you with His love. He will rejoice over you with singing.” Close your eyes and picture God smiling at you as he holds you. Hear him whispering those words to you. Ah. So good.
The second verse reveals that God is our loving father, so even if your own parents have let you down, God will remain faithful! Psalm 27:10 Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close. God will never leave you! This makes me feel so much more secure. And the third verse reveals God as our husband and protector. Isaiah 54:5 For your Maker is your husband— the Lord Almighty is his name. Wow! The maker of heaven and earth, the commander of heaven’s army of angels is your husband. Relax. He will take care of you. Yes!
It’s natural during disagreements with your husband to believe you’re right, he’s wrong, and you must convince him of that! However, if you stay stuck in that mindset, the battle only heats up. He gets defensive. You get defensive. Usually, the situation either evolves into yelling and ugly accusations or a silent, but deadly cold war. There is a better way, and it begins with rethinking your end goal.
What if your goal was not to “win” the argument or change his mind? What if the goal was to reach a compromise or solution that addresses the biggest concerns of you both? Seriously. Think about it. Now you both win and there are no losers. This means that you both agree to consider the other person’s perspective, fears, values, and concerns. From there, you begin to present ideas that might address both of your main concerns. Philippians 2:4 reminds us “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
So, the next time you and your husband start to have a significant disagreement, suggest that you would like to sit down together and better understand his perspective and concerns. Then gently share your concerns, and ask him to join you in brainstorming a solution or compromise that would be the best fit for both of you.
Do you continue to experience problems in your marriage or other significant relationships? I know it’s tempting to think it’s all the other person’s fault, but I have to ask you this question. Is it possible that one of your own behavior patterns is contributing to the problems in that relationship? Let me ask the question another way. Are you continuing on with your old dysfunctional way of operating in relationships, expecting different results? That’s the definition of insanity? If the way you’ve been doing things in relationships hasn’t yielded great results, maybe it’s time to try a new way! Listen to God’s blunt advice to us in Proverbs 26:11 As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly. Let’s not be dogs returning to vomit! Let us not be fools who keep repeating their folly.
We all tend to have a dysfunctional pattern or two! It’s easy to see the other person’s defects and flawed patterns of behavior, but it’s much more difficult to recognize our own. Maybe it’s time to ask God if there is any behavioral pattern of yours that could use attention and change. For instance, if you’re a conflict avoider, and if you keep stuffing your resentment under the rug (hoping that it will just go away), maybe God is asking you to consider dealing with issues in the relationship in a more direct way. If you have had issues with anger in relationships, anger that has caused destruction, maybe God is saying it’s time to see a counselor to get to the root of your anger issues so that you don’t continue blowing up your relationships.
Sit with God and ask Him if there is an old pattern of operating in relationships that would benefit from a makeover. Then ask Him to give you the courage and wisdom to chart a new path.
It is so incredibly easy to get out of balance as a wife, a mother, an employee, a ministry leader, a homemaker, a boss, etc. We can let our “roles” consume us. We compare ourselves to other women in those roles and feel we’re somehow lacking. Then we start picking up self-help books, we google “how to become a better __________”, we attend classes and workshops, we beat ourselves up for not being as “good” as other women, we relentlessly push ourselves to be better! And the whole time, we push our relationship with God farther and farther away. I mean, who even has time for God when we are completely focused on being the best ___________.
Sometimes we need to pull back and refocus our attention and adoration on God. We need to readjust our heart posture. We need to go back to square one and spend time worshiping the creator of the universe…the one who created you! Colossians 3:1-2 says “Since then you have been raised with Christ, set your heart on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things.”
I find when I spend time worshiping God and spending some quiet moments just sitting with Him, I gain a whole new perspective on what’s important. I am better able to choose how to use my limited time and energy. I don’t feel so driven to compete with the other wives and moms and ministry leaders. Spend 10 minutes every day this week simply worshiping God. Crank up the worship music if that helps. As you focus on the majesty and love of Christ, you will develop a heart posture that brings balance….and peace.
I was asked recently how a woman can help her husband (or boyfriend) if he’s struggling with the temptation to view pornography. This is such a difficult question because, ultimately, he has to be the one who does what is necessary to overcome this temptation.
However, there are 3 things that you can do:
1) Sit down with him and let him know that you want to support him and help him in any way as he wrestles against this temptation. Then gently and lovingly ask him to share with you the things that seem to trigger the desire to view porn. As you show compassion and understanding, he will be more likely to feel safe sharing the things that trigger him. Then once he shares those “triggers”, you can ask what you can do to help him deal with the reasons he’s turning to porn. You may be able to come up with ideas on how he can avoid situations that trigger him.
2) Insist that he actively pursues assistance from a 12-step group, sexual addiction treatment program, or a godly mentor with experience in this area. He needs other people to help hold him accountable and to pray for him. He NEEDS to have other men speak into his life and help him deal with the common temptation to lust and view pornography. Accountability is Biblical. James 5:16 instructs, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”
3) Pray for God to break the stronghold of pornography and lust in his life! You don’t have the power to do that, but God does! So, lift your husband to God in prayer daily. Ask God to sever the addiction to porn. Ask God to place a desire in your husband’s heart to seek the Lord over everything else. Ask God to show your husband the way out of temptation to view porn. God can do these things. Our role is to pray!
I’ve had quite a few light bulb moments as a wife, so I thought it might be beneficial to share one of those “aha” moments with other wives. 😊 I’ve noticed over the years with my late husband Raul, but now also with my new husband Mark, that from time to time, they would get a bit argumentative. It’s almost like they were picking a fight! What?! Why would they do that with sweet little old me?
Of course, my first thought was “What is his problem!?” But then when I paused and asked God to give me insight, I sensed that God was showing me that a man who feels insecure or unadmired or unneeded will often pick a fight or criticize his wife or just become plain irritable! Interesting. So, then I consulted God again as to WHY my husband would feel insecure, and He gently revealed that sometimes, a wife can unintentionally contribute to a man’s insecurity by making his feel unneeded or disrespected. Yikes! I don’t ever mean to do that, but apparently, I’ve been guilty of that more often than I’d like to admit.
Perhaps it’s time that you and I as wives ask God to help us do a better (or at least more consistent) job of carrying out his instructions to us in Ephesians 5:33… The wife must respect her husband. Perhaps it’s time that we ask God to help us carry out the wise counsel He gives us in 1 Thessalonians 5:11… So encourage each other and build each other up.
In other words, notice what your husband is doing right and let him know. Take a look at his talents, abilities and admirable character qualities and let him know that you notice. Ask his opinion on things and actually listen, affirming him when he makes a particularly good point. This one thing I know: a husband with a wife who shows respect and admiration is a husband who is much more secure and much less likely to pick a fight!
After many years of listening to couples in distress, I’ve learned something really interesting. There often seems to be a tendency for one or both spouses to make negative assumptions about the motivations of their mate or to jump to the most negative conclusions during communication!
I believe both these tendencies are instigated by the devil who would like nothing more than to get you to think negative, unflattering thoughts about your husband. The devil WANTS you to jump to the most negative conclusions about your husband. The devil WANTS you to misunderstand what your husband is saying so that you will be hurt, frustrated and anxious.
The first step in fighting against this tendency is to realize what the enemy is up to! We must be alert to his tactics. 1 Peter 5:8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Applying this verse in our marital communication means that we continually check ourselves to see if we’ve started jumping to negative conclusions and assigning negative motives to our spouse.
Secondly, if we notice that we are reaching a negative assumption during communication, we ask for clarification from our spouse! We don’t just start internally grumbling inside about what a jerk our husband is. We don’t verbally attack them for being a horrible person. We actually pause and ask them to clarify what they meant when they said ___________. Sometimes it’s not even the words that were said but the facial expression or tone of voice. Again, ask for clarification. You might say something like, “When you said that, I felt like you were letting me know that I’m not a good mother. Is that what you meant to say?”
Thirdly, we must start training our minds to assume the most gracious motivations of our spouse instead of the worst! It’s so easy to jump to negative motivations though, isn’t it? Your husband forgets to do a task you asked him to do, and you mumble “He doesn’t care about anyone but himself”. Your husband struggles with pornography, and you mumble “He’s a disgusting person who would instantly stop looking at porn if he really loved me”. However, both these events could be framed in our minds completely differently! When he forgot to do the task, you could say to yourself “I know he didn’t intend to forget. I bet he got busy.” When you caught him looking at porn, you could say to yourself “I know he doesn’t intend to hurt me. He probably has an actual addiction and needs help.”
Let’s be proactive in examining our thoughts ladies! 2 Corinthians 10:5 take every thought captive to obey Christ
The Appreciated Wife 