recognize

Signs of codependent relationships

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Can a Christian woman be too helpful? Can she be too nice? I believe the answer is yes. When we are so “nice” that we enable our husband or adult children to act irresponsibly or to stay immature, we are being too nice. And many of us fit this description. We are too helpful. We are codependent. We train our loved ones to be dependent on us, instead of God. We train them to rely on us to do things for them that they should really do themselves as responsible adults. Often, we also train them to expect us to bail them out of the natural consequences of their foolish or sinful decisions.

Why are many women codependent? We become codependent when we subconsciously depend on others to meet a deep emotional need of our own, such as feeling loved, secure, or important. Instead of looking to the Lord for love, security and significance, we exhaust ourselves trying to get people to meet those needs. Then, because we pin all our hopes on these people, we MUST cater to them in order to keep them in the relationship with us. We fear that our “source” of love and security will leave us or withdraw their love if we don’t cater to them. We start walking on eggshells. We bend over backwards to keep them happy because we fear losing them. However, the Bible says in Proverbs 29:25 “Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.”

Now, I’m not saying that we shouldn’t be loving and kind. Of course, we should. However, we go too far when our “kindness” enables immature and irresponsible and even sinful behavior in others. We go too far when we try to spare our loved ones from consequences and when we carry their responsibilities. We go too far when we become neurotic people-pleasers in the relationship just so the other person is more likely to make us feel better about ourselves!

Here are 2 questions you can ask yourself today:
1) Are my actions preventing my husband or children from becoming mature and responsible?
2) Am I expecting my husband or child to meet my deepest emotional needs or am I seeking a deeper relationship with the Lord to meet those needs?

Signs of insanity in relationships

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Do you continue to experience problems in your marriage or other significant relationships?  I know it’s tempting to think it’s all the other person’s fault, but I have to ask you this question.  Is it possible that one of your own behavior patterns is contributing to the problems in that relationship?   Let me ask the question another way.  Are you continuing on with your old dysfunctional way of operating in relationships, expecting different results?  That’s the definition of insanity?  If the way you’ve been doing things in relationships hasn’t yielded great results, maybe it’s time to try a new way!  Listen to God’s blunt advice to us in Proverbs 26:11 As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly.  Let’s not be dogs returning to vomit!  Let us not be fools who keep repeating their folly.

We all tend to have a dysfunctional pattern or two!  It’s easy to see the other person’s defects and flawed patterns of behavior, but it’s much more difficult to recognize our own.  Maybe it’s time to ask God if there is any behavioral pattern of yours that could use attention and change.  For instance, if you’re a conflict avoider, and if you keep stuffing your resentment under the rug (hoping that it will just go away), maybe God is asking you to consider dealing with issues in the relationship in a more direct way.  If you have had issues with anger in relationships, anger that has caused destruction, maybe God is saying it’s time to see a counselor to get to the root of your anger issues so that you don’t continue blowing up your relationships.

Sit with God and ask Him if there is an old pattern of operating in relationships that would benefit from a makeover.  Then ask Him to give you the courage and wisdom to chart a new path.

** or view this topic as a 2 minute VIDEO BELOW

Detect & defeat Satan’s lies!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Let’s not be ignorant.  Satan is dead-set on destroying your marriage and killing your joy.  Jesus explains in John 10:10 that the devil comes to steal, kill and destroy.  Furthermore, Jesus reveals in John 8:44 that one of Satan’s favorite schemes to destroy you entails lying to you. 

He will try to plant lies in your mind such as this:  You deserve a different husband.  You are not loveable.  You will never be happy with your husband.  You better not challenge any sinful behavior by your husband because if you do, he will leave you and you won’t be able to take care of yourself.  Your marriage is hopeless.  You will never be able to get over what your husband did.  Do any of these lies sound familiar?

Thankfully, Jesus reveals the way to stand against the enemy’s plans to destroy us and our marriages.  When he left this earth, He sent His Holy Spirit to come be with us and to guide us into all truth! John 16:13  When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth, for he will not speak on his own authority, but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come.

So ask God to reveal lies of the enemy that you’ve been buying!  When negative, critical, hopeless, or fearful thoughts enter my head, I try to remember to pause and ask myself, “Does this sound like something God would say, or is this a lie of the enemy?”

Recognizing blame-shifting

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Isn’t it so very easy to see your husband’s faults?  Isn’t it super simple to see the wrongs of your mother-in-law or your co-worker?  Yep.  I can clearly see another person’s sin, but rarely do I take an honest look at my own shortcomings!

In a marriage, this tendency to only see another’s sin can be deadly.  If you allow yourself to focus on your spouse’s failures or flaws, you will start becoming resentful, depressed, discouraged and hopeless.  Don’t get me wrong.  This doesn’t mean a wife shouldn’t ask for changes if her husband is sinning against her. She may indeed need to set firm boundaries.  However, this DOES mean that she should also take a serious look at her own behavior!

My late husband and I met with many couples over the years and, tragically, we saw far too many wives eagerly point out their husband’s shortcomings while failing to seriously acknowledge their own flaws.  Many wives will say the words “Oh, I know I’m not perfect either”, but then their next 10 sentences are filled with complaints about their husband. There is rarely a serious inventory of their own shortcomings or ways in which they may have contributed to problems in the marriage.

Let’s do better! Let’s stop blame-shifting.  Yes, we often engage in blame-shifting, which means we blame someone else for our own wrong behavior!  For instance, a wife will blame her husband’s flaws for why she became disrespectful or why she rudely refused to talk to him at all, treating him as if he was invisible and worthless.

Ladies, let’s ask God to show us our own faults and weaknesses so that we can change for the better.  Let’s stop shifting the blame for our own unkind or sinful behavior. Not only will your husband appreciate this new humility and honesty, but you will likely thrive as well!  Proverbs 28:13 puts it this way:  Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.

P.S.  Yes, I know that husbands also can engage in blame-shifting, but for the purposes of this devotional, I’m writing to wives!

Recognize & resist Satan’s schemes

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Something I’ve learned over my many years of being a wife is that Satan is out to destroy marriages, especially Christian marriages.  Therefore, you must be on guard.  Just as 1 Peter 5:8-9 says, we must “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith.“

Here is one of the most common schemes of the devil to take out Christian marriages:  getting one or both spouses isolated from other believers.  You must not be like an antelope that strays away from the rest of the herd out on the prairie.  Apart from the herd, that antelope is easy picking for that hungry mountain lion lurking in the high grass.  But this is exactly what many believers do.  We allow ourselves to get overly busy, so we drop out of the women’s Bible study.  Perhaps your husband spends too many hours at work or in pursuit of hobbies, and slowly drops away from the men’s fellowship at church.  We drift away.  We no longer hear the encouragement and admonishment of other believers to stay the course.

Hebrews 10:24-25 says “Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing”   Hebrews 3:13 says “But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.”  You MUST fight to remain in close fellowship with other believers.  I have seen too many marriages begin to crumble when one or both spouses drift away from regular weekly fellowship with believers of the same gender.  Are you staying connected with godly women every week?  Maybe it’s time to get back into a weekly Bible study meeting and/or the fellowship at Squadron of Sisters.