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Guard marriage from 3 common pitfalls

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

As I’ve worked with hundreds of wives over 15 years of women’s ministry, I’ve noticed some common traps that end up destroying a marriage.  We must be alert to the subtle scheme of the enemy!  1 Peter 5:8-9 (amplified translation) Be sober [well balanced and self-disciplined], be alert and cautious at all times. That enemy of yours, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion [fiercely hungry], seeking someone to devour. 9 But resist him, be firm in your faith [against his attack—rooted, established, immovable]…

So please allow me to help you be alert to 3 common pitfalls or schemes of the enemy:

  1. Allowing yourself to emotionally connect with another man, whether on social media or workplace.  This is SO dangerous.  The moment you start confiding in another man or sharing your troubles or heartbreaks, you will start to emotionally bond with that man.  So, resist the urge to share your marriage troubles with another man, unless he’s a trained counselor!
  2. Believing your marriage should be like the ones in romantic comedies.  Oh boy.  Our culture has glorified romance and made it seem that your guy should be the most romantic, tender, loving, understanding, empathetic, compassionate listener when he comes home to you at the end of the day, while slaying dragons at the workplace and out in the world during the day!  Impossible!  Don’t fall for this scheme from the pit of hell.  The devil wants you to believe you’ve been ripped off and should trade in your husband because he isn’t exactly like the guys portrayed in romantic comedies and romance novels.  Your guy can’t be that perfect!!
  3. Letting resentment go unaddressed. This is such a subtle and slow killer of marriages.  When you stuff issues, rather than working all the way through them, resentment slowly poisons your hearts to your husband.  Ephesians 4:26-27 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold“

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Beware of this marriage destroyer

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

From both personal experience and counseling wives in crisis, I can say with certainty that allowing resentment to go unchecked spells doom for a marriage!  Think about it.  If you are really upset with your husband about something, or really frustrated with him, or hurt by his behavior…do you respectfully discuss your feelings and concerns with him?  Do you courageously deal with the issue, or do you tend to stuff it under the rug, hoping things will just magically get better?

If you’re a conflict avoider, it’s so very easy to stuff instead of confront!  It FEELS safer and more peaceful to just hope that your husband changes his behavior.  That way you won’t have any tense moments and you won’t get in a “fight”.  Unfortunately, if you say nothing, nothing is likely to actually change.  Sometimes a husband doesn’t even know what his wife is upset about!  And here’s the real problem.  If you don’t address your resentment, it will grow bigger and bigger and bigger until you are likely to explode months or years down the line.  That resentment will have turned your heart cold and hard toward your husband, and you may end up saying those fateful words “I’m done”.  Don’t let it get this far!

Your husband needs you to calmly and respectfully explain why you are upset and what you are asking him to change.  He may disagree, but then you guys can talk about it.  Talk it through.  Ask the Holy Spirit to give you courage and the timing and the right words to bring up the concern with your husband…soon.  Seek a counselor’s help if you need to.  Just make sure you don’t let your resentment go unaddressed.  As Hebrews 12:15 say, “See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”   Don’t let a bitter root start growing that ends up causing big trouble!

What wives must know about FB!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

It’s happened yet again. Another wife almost blew up her marriage, and it all started with Facebook.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not against Facebook.  I love keeping in touch with what’s happening in the lives of my friends and family through Facebook posts.  However, the devil takes warped delight in taking something good and turning it into something disastrous.

We need to be wise to his schemes to kill our marriages!  Here’s what the scheme looks like:  You become curious about that old boyfriend or man from your past, so you look him up on Facebook.  It seems totally innocent.  You’re just curious.  Then you pop him a little message asking how he’s doing.  He responds.  You guys reminisce about shared experiences in the past.  You begin bonding emotionally.  Then ever so slowly and slyly, Satan starts to reel you in.  Soon, you begin believing that he’s your true soul mate, and an affair is just a step away!  This is happening every day across America!  One recent post on a divorce website noted that 20% of all divorce petitions contain the word “Facebook”.  

Don’t let this happen to you.  As wives, we must be aware of Satan’s schemes and we must fight against the temptation to connect with any man on Facebook.  1 Peter 5:8-9 says, “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.  Resist him, firm in your faith…”    Please don’t shake off this warning.   Fight against the urge to connect with men from your past on Facebook or any social media!

Don’t cooperate with the devil!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Your enemy has plans to blow-up your marriage.  The Bible says in John 10:10 that Satan is out to “steal, kill, and destroy“, so make no mistake.  The devil is working diligently to take down both you and your husband.  He may relentlessly tempt your husband to view pornography, and your husband may cave into the temptation.  Your heart will definitely be bruised if your husband falls into that trap.  But Satan wants more than that.  The enemy will relentlessly tempt you to treat your husband with scorn and disgust so that your marriage implodes.

This is where you have a choice.  You can cooperate with the devil and give in to his temptations.  You can allow him to have the victory.  You can align yourself with his evil plans and watch your marriage get flushed down the toilet.  Or you can refuse to cooperate with the devil.  Even when your husband does something that seriously disappoints you, you can tell your husband that you are still “for him”…that you believe he has a good heart…that you are not giving up on him.

I remember the time several years ago that a friend of mine found out that her husband had slipped up and viewed porn after over a year of being free from pornography.  Of course, she was devastated, but she chose wisely in that moment.  She chose to speak words of life to her husband.  I’d love to share the text she sent me shortly after his confession:  “So thankful he was honest.  Still hurts.  But the enemy will not win!  My marriage is worth fighting for”.  What a fantastic attitude!  She refused to cooperate with the devil.  How about you?

The decision that saves marriages

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I was just reflecting on all the couples I’ve known over the years who faced huge challenges in their marriages, but ended up pushing through the pain and obstacles to overcome and even thrive in their marriages. Yes, some wives saw their marriage end in divorce, but many wives decided to persevere in their marriage, and they are now enjoying the fruit of that perseverance!


Here’s the truth. We will all face times of challenge in our marriages, and during those times, it’s so tempting to throw in the towel. How many of us have thought at one point in our marriage, “I never should have married him.”? Thoughts of ending the marriage can be especially enticing if you’re facing a heartbreaking challenge like a husband engaging in adultery, a harmful addiction, or even abuse.
However, I have seen many wives press through these challenges and come out victorious on the other side with a more mature husband and a much better marriage! Sometimes, it comes down to us making the simple and yet powerful decision to persevere, to endure, to push through the difficulty as you trust in God to work in your husband’s life.


Consider Paul’s message to the church in Colossians 1:9-11, “We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience.“


Is it possible God is asking you to persevere through the trial in your marriage? If he is, what should you do as you wait? Seek guidance from God’s Word, meet with a Christian counselor, and ask the Holy Spirit for guidance. Sometimes, you may sense that you are to establish serious boundaries with your husband, which might even entail temporary separation. Other times, God might ask you to lovingly encourage your husband and speak truth to him in areas where he has been believing lies of the enemy. Paul also gives us some concise advice in Romans 12:12 “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”

Don’t share your girlfriends!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

At the risk of you thinking I’m totally looney, may I suggest that you talk with your husband about clear boundaries regarding your female friends? In other words, he should not be a close “friend” of any of your own girlfriends! I know this might seem old-fashioned or even ridiculous, but many affairs start out with a husband “just talking” with another woman. We need to be careful and alert to the schemes of the enemy!


1 Peter 5:8 says “Be alert and of sober-mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” So, be alert to the enemy’s scheme to get your husband emotionally entangled with one of your friends. He should not spend time with her without you. He should not even be spending time on the phone with her giving advice or listening to her woes. Without him intending to do so, he will slowly find himself developing an emotional bond with your friend, and she will start bonding with him. Danger lies ahead!

Are you considering divorce?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Having a rough time in your marriage? Do you wish you’d never married your husband? Our society makes it very easy to throw in the towel and divorce. Divorce might seem very tempting, but let me tell you from personal experience; it’s really hard on your children. Actually, it’s devastating for them. Yes, God can heal them over time, but your children will always carry a deep emotional scar. Whoever started the rumor that kids can bounce back from divorce was lying!

I’m not saying that a woman should never divorce her husband. The Bible certainly gives a clear allowance for divorce in Matthew 19:9 where Jesus says “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” Jesus clearly states that when a spouse has cheated on you sexually, divorce is permissible. After many years of studying the Bible, I also believe God permits a woman to divorce her husband when he grossly sins against his wife through continuing physical or emotional abuse. After all, God instructs us in Proverbs 4:23 “Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life”. After years of severe emotional or physical abuse, a woman can become a mere shell of a human being. I don’t believe that is God’s will for anyone. Throughout the Bible, we see that God is more concerned with mercy than merely following rules.

All this being said, please do everything you can to fight for your marriage. Don’t give up easily. Don’t let bitterness grow. Work to resolve issues before your heart grows so cold that you don’t feel like working to save your marriage. You may possibly need to separate from your husband in order to bring his attention to the seriousness of the problem, but your goal should be reconciliation and restoration of your marriage. Find a good counselor. Get a mentor couple. Read the Bible. Pray continually. Don’t give up on your marriage too easily. If for no other reason, fight for your marriage on behalf of your children.

Avoid common causes of divorce

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Recently, I was reading a bunch of different articles about the common causes for divorce, and I noticed 3 causes that seemed to appear the most frequently in each of these articles. They are: financial problems/fights, lack of sexual and emotional intimacy, and poor communication. Obviously, you would do well to be aware of these common traps so that you don’t end up in divorce court! Also, since God designed marriage, it makes sense that His Word would have guidance to help us avoid falling into these 3 common causes of divorce.
As I was considering each of these 3 areas, something really interesting occurred to me. Failing to value the other person’s needs and desires is central to all 3 of these common causes of divorce! I will explain in a moment, but first, here is the key section of Scripture for you to apply. Romans 12:10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.
Financial problems/fights: Usually, these fights occur because most women highly value financial security and most men are prone to be a little more “adventurous” when it comes to spending money. So, the key here is to sit down with your husband and ask him to listen to and be considerate of your financial need for security, and then for you to be willing to take into consideration his desires regarding money. Then, work toward a compromise that represents some of the values of you both!
Lack of sexual and emotional intimacy: Often this happens in a relationship when we allow other things or other people to take precedence over the relationship with our spouse. We treat our spouse and their needs, physical and emotional, as less important than other things. It also happens when we allow a misunderstanding or disappointment with our spouse to fester and turn into toxic resentment which in turn leads to us putting up a “wall” with our spouse. The key here is sit down with your spouse and determine to work all the way through any past misunderstandings and resentments. Ask for forgiveness and give forgiveness. Also, decide together to actively pursue physical and emotional intimacy by placing a high priority on those connections in your marriage.
Poor communication: This often occurs because both the husband and the wife mistakenly believe the other one understands the way they think and their unspoken needs and desires! We tend to think the other gender thinks like us, but they don’t! The remedy here is to sit down, once again, and intentionally discuss many areas where you have had miscommunications in the past. Clearly explain your needs and desires. Ask your husband to clearly explain his needs and desires. Agree to have direct communication instead of expecting the other person to “just know”!

Make sure he’s thinking of you!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Yes, there are a lot of temptations facing your husband every day. He will likely see beautiful women, either at work, at the espresso stand, or at the sandwich shop on any given day. If you have cable TV, Hulu, or Netflix, he will certainly view gorgeous women there. There’s just no getting around it. But there’s one thing he won’t regularly encounter with those women. They’re not waiting at home for him with a passionate kiss at the end of his exhausting day!

The way to ensure your husband is thinking about you during his day is to take a moment before he leaves for work and whisper into his ear some of the “plans” you have for him that evening! The bride in the Bible’s Song of Songs models this for us! Here is just one excerpt of the arousing words she spoke to her groom in anticipation of them coming together intimately… “Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits” (Song of Songs 4:10)

So, what erotic thing could you whisper to your husband as he heads off to work? You might say something like this: “I’m getting a sitter for the kids tonight and I’ll be waiting for you in the kitchen, wearing an apron and nothing else.” Be creative. Of course, you can’t do this every day. However, if you do it every few weeks, he’ll be dreaming of the next time you have a pleasant surprise waiting for him. He will be thinking of you!

Or view this topic as a 2 minute VIDEO BELOW

Do this to protect your marriage!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

When we first pledge our love to each other on our wedding day, we never think either one of us could possibly end up having an affair years later.  Tragically, it happens quite frequently, and even among Christian couples.  We can’t be ignorant of Satan’s mission revealed by Jesus in John 10:10 where He says Satan is out to “kill, steal, and destroy”.  Satan would like nothing better than to rip apart your marriage.  He is always plotting ways to get you or your spouse connected with someone of the opposite sex.  That’s why we have to be vigilant from day one!

James 4:7 advises us…”Submit yourselves to God.  Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.”  One of the ways we can resist the devil’s schemes to destroy our marriages is to talk with our husbands about rules we will both follow relating to the opposite sex.  Agree that you will never spend time alone with another man and your husband will never spend time alone with another woman.  If your job requires you to be in a one-on-one meeting with someone of the opposite sex, agree that the door will always be left open.  Agree that you will never share anything personal about your marriage with a member of the opposite sex.  If at all possible, agree to never work as a two-person team with a member of the opposite sex on a project or at your job.   That feeling of being a “team” is extremely bonding!

Safeguard your marriage.  You may think you don’t need all these strict rules, but I know from personal experience that you do.  Many solid Christians have fallen into Satan’s trap by failing to follow these safeguards.  Don’t let your marriage be another notch in the devil’s belt.