At the risk of you thinking I’m totally looney, may I suggest that you talk with your husband about clear boundaries regarding your female friends? In other words, he should not be a close “friend” of any of your own girlfriends! I know this might seem old-fashioned or even ridiculous, but many affairs start out with a husband “just talking” with another woman. We need to be careful and alert to the schemes of the enemy!
1 Peter 5:8 says “Be alert and of sober-mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” So, be alert to the enemy’s scheme to get your husband emotionally entangled with one of your friends. He should not spend time with her without you. He should not even be spending time on the phone with her giving advice or listening to her woes. Without him intending to do so, he will slowly find himself developing an emotional bond with your friend, and she will start bonding with him. Danger lies ahead!
I’m on a journey of learning how to do relationships in a healthier, God-directed way! I don’t know about you, but, in the past, when I got really disappointed in my husband or anybody, I tended to go in one of two unhealthy directions. 1) I avoided the potential conflict entirely by clamming up, putting up an ice shield, and then spiraling down into toxic resentment or 2) I let my tongue run wild and blasted the person with both barrels! Neither one of these options yielded good results.
God’s way is so much different and better! He says in Proverbs 15:1 “A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare”. Gentle words. Gentle words. Gentle words. I need to remind myself of this! God is saying that we can avoid a nasty argument if we speak gently and kindly and maybe even assume the best about the other person instead of giving full vent to our anger.
I vividly remember when I put this into practice several years ago. My late husband was really stressed as we were on a long-distance drive. I was attempting to help with googling a gas station, but my phone ran out of data. Ugh. Then he started getting really sharp with me in his tone. I mean…REALLY sharp. I felt disrespected. And oh boy, I decided that I didn’t deserve that tone and that I was going to tell him what a jerk he was. Yeah, pastor’s wives don’t always have gracious thoughts, apparently. Sigh.
Anyway, somehow God got my attention before I blasted him and God reminded me of Proverbs 15:1. So, I bit my tongue until we got all the way home, and as my husband was about to exit the car, I turned to him, laid a hand softly on his arm and said gently, “I know you love me and you would never intend to hurt me, but the way you talked to me back there was not okay. Please don’t talk to me like that again.” And that was that. No big blow-up. He didn’t feel condemned because I affirmed that I know he loves me. With God’s prompting, I was able to defuse the nasty argument before it could start. Gentle words. Gentle words. Gentle words. Let’s all remember that!
Recently, I was reading a bunch of different articles about the common causes for divorce, and I noticed 3 causes that seemed to appear the most frequently in each of these articles. They are: financial problems/fights, lack of sexual and emotional intimacy, and poor communication. Obviously, you would do well to be aware of these common traps so that you don’t end up in divorce court! Also, since God designed marriage, it makes sense that His Word would have guidance to help us avoid falling into these 3 common causes of divorce.
As I was considering each of these 3 areas, something really interesting occurred to me. Failing to value the other person’s needs and desires is central to all 3 of these common causes of divorce! I will explain in a moment, but first, here is the key section of Scripture for you to apply. Romans 12:10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.
Financial problems/fights: Usually, these fights occur because most women highly value financial security and most men are prone to be a little more “adventurous” when it comes to spending money. So, the key here is to sit down with your husband and ask him to listen to and be considerate of your financial need for security, and then for you to be willing to take into consideration his desires regarding money. Then, work toward a compromise that represents some of the values of you both!
Lack of sexual and emotional intimacy: Often this happens in a relationship when we allow other things or other people to take precedence over the relationship with our spouse. We treat our spouse and their needs, physical and emotional, as less important than other things. It also happens when we allow a misunderstanding or disappointment with our spouse to fester and turn into toxic resentment which in turn leads to us putting up a “wall” with our spouse. The key here is sit down with your spouse and determine to work all the way through any past misunderstandings and resentments. Ask for forgiveness and give forgiveness. Also, decide together to actively pursue physical and emotional intimacy by placing a high priority on those connections in your marriage.
Poor communication: This often occurs because both the husband and the wife mistakenly believe the other one understands the way they think and their unspoken needs and desires! We tend to think the other gender thinks like us, but they don’t! The remedy here is to sit down, once again, and intentionally discuss many areas where you have had miscommunications in the past. Clearly explain your needs and desires. Ask your husband to clearly explain his needs and desires. Agree to have direct communication instead of expecting the other person to “just know”!
When we first pledge our love to each other on our wedding day, we never think either one of us could possibly end up having an affair years later. Tragically, it happens quite frequently, and even among Christian couples. We can’t be ignorant of Satan’s mission revealed by Jesus in John 10:10 where He says Satan is out to “kill, steal, and destroy”. Satan would like nothing better than to rip apart your marriage. He is always plotting ways to get you or your spouse connected with someone of the opposite sex. That’s why we have to be vigilant from day one!
James 4:7 advises us…”Submit yourselves to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” One of the ways we can resist the devil’s schemes to destroy our marriages is to talk with our husbands about rules we will both follow relating to the opposite sex. Agree that you will never spend time alone with another man and your husband will never spend time alone with another woman. If your job requires you to be in a one-on-one meeting with someone of the opposite sex, agree that the door will always be left open. Agree that you will never share anything personal about your marriage with a member of the opposite sex. If at all possible, agree to never work as a two-person team with a member of the opposite sex on a project or at your job. That feeling of being a “team” is extremely bonding!
Safeguard your marriage. You may think you don’t need all these strict rules, but I know from personal experience that you do. Many solid Christians have fallen into Satan’s trap by failing to follow these safeguards. Don’t let your marriage be another notch in the devil’s belt.
One thing I’ve learned over my many years is that a great marriage doesn’t just magically happen. Being “in love” when you exchange vows on your wedding day isn’t going to be enough. You must be intentional. Please allow me to share 5 simple but profound keys to building a strong, lasting, healthy marriage. Conveniently, God gave me this acrostic to help both you and I remember these 5 keys! Together, the letters spell G-R-E-A-T, as in a great marriage!
G: stands for God, as in making sure that God is your number one relationship instead of trying to get your husband to meet all your emotional needs and expecting him to be your source of happiness. (Matthew 22:36-37)
R: stands for resentment, as in making sure that you address resentment quickly so that it can’t choke the life out of your marriage. (Hebrews 12:15)
E: stands for effort, as in being diligent to speak your husband’s love language, pay attention to him, create fun moments with him, do small things he appreciates, and build a vibrant sex life with him! (Proverbs 13:4)
A: stands for ask God to show you how YOU need to change, grow, and eliminate old unhealthy patterns in your own life such as conflict avoidance or having a critical tongue. (Colossians 3:5-10)
T: stands for treasure, as in purposely reminding yourself of the good qualities you can treasure in your husband instead of allowing yourself to dwell on his imperfections. (Philippians 4:8)
We’ve all been betrayed and we’ve all betrayed others. I can almost guarantee this is true for all of us, although we only seem to remember the times when we’ve been betrayed. We conveniently “forget” the times we’ve betrayed others, in big and small ways.
Here’s the thing. When we allow our focus to remain on the deeply hurtful things people have done to us, it’s as if we tie a heavy chain around our ankles and toss ourselves into a deep, dark lake. We slowly sink deeper and deeper into murky darkness. We’re starved for life-giving oxygen. We slowly drown in self-pity. We become enveloped by resentment and that resentment becomes a poison to us and everyone around us!
Cut the chains of bitterness and resentment! Come up for air. Drop the “victim” attitude. The Bible tells us in Hebrews 12:15 to “see to it that no bitter root grows up among you to cause trouble and defile many”. Your choice to embrace and coddle your bitterness will surely be the death of your joy and the joy of those around you.
How can you get rid of this super destructive attitude of resentment? Here are some insights. Stop hitting the replay button on past hurts! Choose this day to be thankful for what you do have. Make a choice to have compassion on your offender, realizing that you’re not perfect either! If the resentment stems from current behavior, then seek godly counsel on establishing boundaries in that relationship. Finally, ask God to redeem your painful experience in some kind of way. He loves to do that! Romans 8:28 promises us that “in all things God works for the good of those who love Him who have been called according to His purpose.”
As I’ve worked with hundreds of wives over 15 years of women’s ministry, I’ve noticed some common traps that end up destroying a marriage. We must be alert to the subtle scheme of the enemy! 1 Peter 5:8-9 (amplified translation) Be sober [well balanced and self-disciplined], be alert and cautious at all times. That enemy of yours, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion [fiercely hungry], seeking someone to devour. 9 But resist him, be firm in your faith [against his attack—rooted, established, immovable]…
So please allow me to help you be alert to 3 common pitfalls or schemes of the enemy:
Allowing yourself to emotionally connect with another man, whether on social media or workplace. This is SO dangerous. The moment you start confiding in another man or sharing your troubles or heartbreaks, you will start to emotionally bond with that man. So, resist the urge to share your marriage troubles with another man, unless he’s a trained counselor!
Believing your marriage should be like the ones in romantic comedies. Oh boy. Our culture has glorified romance and made it seem that your guy should be the most romantic, tender, loving, understanding, empathetic, compassionate listener when he comes home to you at the end of the day, while slaying dragons at the workplace and out in the world during the day! Impossible! Don’t fall for this scheme from the pit of hell. The devil wants you to believe you’ve been ripped off and should trade in your husband because he isn’t exactly like the guys portrayed in romantic comedies and romance novels. Your guy can’t be that perfect!!
Letting resentment go unaddressed. This is such a subtle and slow killer of marriages. When you stuff issues, rather than working all the way through them, resentment slowly poisons your hearts to your husband. Ephesians 4:26-27 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold“
In every marriage, there will certainly be times where you find yourself disappointed or frustrated with your husband. The question isn’t…how can you and I avoid those challenging times? The question is…how are we going to respond to the challenge?
I’ve met many wives who allow themselves to sink into self-pity or get all riled up with anger toward their husband. Neither one of those responses is helpful! In fact, a crazy cycle begins in the marriage. The wife lets her husband know how disappointed she is in him…he feels like a failure so he either responds with mean words or withdraws…she gets even more disappointed…and the cycle continues! Please allow me to suggest a couple of new ways to look at those times when your husband has frustrated or disappointed you:
Instead of focusing solely on what he’s doing wrong, choose to rejoice in what he’s doing right. This is the essence of Philippians 4:8 “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.” In other words, instead of developing a sour taste in your mouth by dwelling on his every fault, choose to look at your husband as a work in progress. God doesn’t transform a person overnight (including you!). So, choose to relish in the sweetness of every good thing your husband does and every good choice he makes. For your soul, it will be like sipping on sweet lemonade instead of sucking on bitter lemons.
P.S. You’ll look a lot more attractive to your husband when your mouth isn’t puckered up like you’ve been sucking on sour lemons!
P.S.S. If your husband is WAY out of bounds with his behavior and actually sinning against you, you may need to establish some firm boundaries, while at the same time choosing to remind yourself of his good qualities as well!
If you love your children, one of the MOST important things you can do for them is to keep your marriage healthy and intact! Not to scare you, but the research regarding children from divorced families is alarming. Perhaps this is one reason the Bible says in Malachi 2:16, “For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce“. God knows the devastating impact of divorce on children’s lives.
Research by Focus on the Family has found that teens from divorced homes are much more likely to engage in drug and alcohol use, as well as sexual intercourse than are those from intact families. Also, kids whose parents divorce are substantially more likely to be incarcerated for committing a crime as a juvenile. Plus, research from the Heritage Foundation found that children of divorced parents perform more poorly at school and have higher drop-out rates.
Yes, God can heal a child’s heart following a divorce, but the scars will remain. So, work hard to keep your marriage healthy and strong. Pray every day for your husband and pray daily for marriage guidance from the Lord. See a counselor if you guys are fighting a lot or if you are growing increasingly resentful. Don’t let your heart grow hard. Fight for your marriage. Your kids will thank you!
