past

Wife affected by past sexual abuse

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Unfortunately, there’s a high likelihood that many wives reading this devotional have experienced past sexual abuse, either in childhood or due to a forced sexual situation as an adult woman.  I can relate to this myself.  I was sexually abused by several men over many years of my childhood.  As you probably know, this can cause real problems for you in terms of desiring to be sexually active with your husband.  Yet, it’s so vitally important to build a vibrant sex life with your husband.  What’s a wife to do?

Here are 5 things that have helped me along my journey:

1) Determine in your heart and mind that you will not let evil steal from you yet again.  Evil stole your innocence once before, but decide that you will not cooperate with Satan’s plan to steal the sex life from your marriage.

2) Coach your soul.  The psalmist David often talked to his soul and reminded his soul of truth.  We can do the same thing.  Remind your soul that your husband cares for you….that he will not hurt you…that you are not being forced…that you will actually enjoy loving touch from your husband….that you can relax in your husband’s arms.

3) Ask your husband if he will allow you to be the one who initiates sex.  That way, you will not feel like someone is suddenly forcing himself on you.  (However, you do need to initiate then!)

4) Ask your husband to progress slowly, giving you plenty of time to truly warm to his touch.  In other words, you might need extra time before transitioning from kissing to touching of breasts, etc.  Also, ask him to stop for a moment if you say stop.  You need to know that, unlike your childhood experience where you had no control, this time you have control over your body.

5) Decide not to dwell on the past, but choose to focus on what is good and right and pure in your husband and in your marriage.  This is what Philippians 4:8 tells us:  “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”

How to get unstuck

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Most every person I know struggles with something, and often in the midst of that struggle, we get stuck in a rut. Even though we don’t like where we are, we often do the very things that keep us mired down in that area.


Some people get stuck in a rut regarding a dysfunctional coping mechanism such as drinking too much alcohol, or overeating, or over-shopping! Other people get stuck in a rut in terms of unhealthy and unhelpful communication with their family members. They might get stuck in the habit of yelling and criticizing or complaining. And still other people get stuck in a rut regarding depression and despair. Obviously, no one wants to stay in this rut, but we can’t seem to get ourselves unstuck!

Please allow me to share a few Bible insights that have really helped me get unstuck so I can move forward with joy, peace, and hope.


1) I’ve learned to do what Paul teaches in Philippians 3:13-14…. “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus”. Let me make this personal. I lost my husband to Covid in 2021. It was shocking. It was devastating. My world tipped upside down. And I could have easily got stuck in depression and even resentment toward God. However, I distinctly remember the moment I decided to pivot from the pain and turn forward, asking God to open up new adventures and new joys in my life. That was a choice. It was a really good one. I was able to heal and start grabbing hold of joy again.


2) I’ve learned to pause and consult God when I notice dysfunctional habits in my life. I ask Him to change my heart so that I desire good things, healthy things, and behavior that please Him. On my own, I don’t really have the strength to make these changes, but when God comes in and changes my heart in response to prayer, then I have the strength and strong desire necessary to make those changes! Listen to what God says in Ezekiel 36:26-27 “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. 27 And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws“. Ask God to change your heart. That’s the first step in getting unstuck from bad habits and unhealthy behavior.

Do you hit the replay button?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Do you keep replaying your husband’s past mistakes over and over again in your mind?  Do you find yourself dwelling on how he’s disappointed you in the past?  Let it go!  Thoughts like that become toxic…to you and your marriage.  Hebrews 12:15 makes this point:  “See to it that no bitter root grows up among you to cause trouble and defile many.”  If you keep rehearsing your husband’s past failures, you will end up growing more and more resentful of your husband.  The resulting bitterness acts like poison to your own heart.  You become a dried up, miserable woman. 

Even more damage is caused when you verbalize those past mistakes to your husband.  Yet many wives do that.  They repeatedly bring up their man’s past mistakes and almost wield them as a weapon against their husband.  His heart gets sliced and diced in the process.  His heart becomes poisoned against his wife as well.

It’s time to decide to release your husband from his past failures. The Bible is pretty clear about your need to release bitterness and resentment. Ephesians 4:31 says “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger…”  Sochoose to exercise the same grace God has given you!!  News flash:  You’re not perfect either.  By the way, releasing your man from his past mistakes doesn’t mean you should ignore current sin.  If he is currently sinning against you, determine to respectfully confront him and work through the problem, perhaps with the help of a counselor or pastor.

Don’t let your past strangle you

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I’ve come to realize that many women (and men) in my life are being held hostage by something in their past.  In fact, something that occurred in their past seems to be strangling the life out of them.  But this is not God’s design for me or you!  In John 10:10, Jesus said “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”  So what’s the problem?  Allow me to spell out 3 common problems related to a person’s “past” that have the potential to strangle the life out of God’s people.

  1.  A person takes on a negative identity because of the way she was mistreated in the past, and continues to carry that attitude into her present day.  Perhaps her dad abandoned the family and she started to believe the lie that she was unloveable.  Maybe her boyfriend was verbally abusive and told her she was trash, and she continues to believe that lie years later.  In both cases, that person often sinks into depression or self-medicates in harmful ways, or enters into every new relationship with the expectation she will be treated as unloveable or like trash.  Obviously, such believes will strangle the life out of her.  If this is you, it’s time to ask God and godly people in your life to speak truth to you about who you really are!
  2. A person carries so much shame about their past sin, that they disqualify themselves from any future blessings or joy.  This is also a case of wrong beliefs.  If you have repented of your sin, then God has set you free to live an abundant life!  Unfortunately, we often feel so undeserving of his forgiveness that we actually reject his kindness and the abundant life Jesus died to provide!  But that’s the definition of grace…”undeserved kindness”.  That’s why God is so amazing!  Ephesians 1:7 says, “In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace”.  Is it time to accept and embrace God’s extravagant forgiveness and enjoy the kindness he longs to show you?
  3. Sometimes, we miss out on the abundant life God intends for us because we stubbornly cling to an old season in our life, refusing to let it go.  This sometimes happens after a divorce or death of a spouse.  In fact, I took a lot of grief from many believers when I followed God’s promptings to start dating my new husband Mark about 6 months after my beloved husband Raul passed away.  But I knew that nothing productive would happen if I allowed myself to wallow in what I had lost.  God brought this beautiful scripture to mind.  Isaiah 43:18-19 “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  19 See, I am doing a new thing!      Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”  Is it time for you to let go of a season of your life that has ended so that God can set you on an exciting new adventure?

Wife plagued by past sex abuse

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Unfortunately, there’s a high likelihood that many wives reading this devotional have experienced past sexual abuse, either in childhood or due to a forced sexual situation as an adult woman.  I can relate to this myself.  I was sexually abused by several men over many years of my childhood.  As you probably know, this can cause real problems for you in terms of desiring to be sexually active with your husband.  Yet, it’s so vitally important to build a vibrant sex life with your husband.  What’s a wife to do?

Here are 5 things that have helped me along my journey:

1) Determine in your heart and mind that you will not let evil steal from you yet again.  Evil stole your innocence once before, but decide that you will not cooperate with Satan’s plan to steal the sex life from your marriage.

2) Coach your soul.  The psalmist David often talked to his soul and reminded his soul of truth.  We can do the same thing.  Remind your soul that your husband cares for you….that he will not hurt you…that you are not being forced…that you will actually enjoy loving touch from your husband….that you can relax in your husband’s arms.

3) Ask your husband if he will allow you to be the one who initiates sex.  That way, you will not feel like someone is suddenly forcing himself on you.  (However, you do need to initiate then!)

4) Ask your husband to progress slowly, giving you plenty of time to truly warm to his touch.  In other words, you might need extra time before transitioning from kissing to touching of breasts, etc.  Also, ask him to stop for a moment if you say stop.  You need to know that, unlike your childhood experience where you had no control, this time you have control over your body.

5) Decide not to dwell on the past, but choose to focus on what is good and right and pure in your husband and in your marriage.  This is what Philippians 4:8 tells us:  “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”