I have interviewed quite a few men who are marriage conference speakers and they all say the same thing…a man deeply needs his wife to be interested in a robust sex life with him. They agree that a husband feels more like a man, has a more positive attitude, and accomplishes more in life when his wife fosters an active sex life.
Conversely, when a wife neglects her husband sexually or makes it clear she’s barely tolerating sex…then Satan has a huge opening to begin tempting her husband to satisfy his desires with porn or another woman. 1 Corinthians 7:5 makes this clear when it says “Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
Most women don’t need frequent sex with their spouse the same way that a man does. It’s one of the many ways we’re wired differently. But if you want your husband to feel like a man, to be bonded to you, and to be so pumped up that he can go out and slay dragons, then you need to think about building a healthy, robust sex life with him. I know you have 101 other things you need to do, but can you leave some dirty dishes in the sink or wait to tidy up the house until the morning? Your husband needs you tonight!
You probably think I’m going to give fashion advice, but you would be incorrect. I’m certainly no fashionista! The kind of “clothing” I’m talking about is not material. It’s our attitude, character and behavior. The Bible has a lot to say about how we “clothe” ourselves in that regard!
Colossians 3:12 tells us what we should put on every morning: “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” Wow! Think about how attractive you would be to your husband (and your children, and your friends, and your mother-in-law and your co-workers) if you were to put on these qualities every morning as you start your day.
Think about it. How would your marriage be changed if you decided to be gentle and humble and kind and compassionate toward your husband? I bet he would truly look forward to coming home to you each night! Even if you need to broach tough subjects with your husband, he will be much more likely to listen if you clothe yourself with humility and gentleness and compassion. Try it. Humility…compassion…gentleness…kindness. These are fashion accessories that never go out of style!
Many wives are familiar with the Bible’s account of creation and know that after creating Adam, God said “It is not good for man to be alone. I will create a helper suitable for him.” (Genesis 2:18) If you really think about this verse, it becomes clear that one of a husband’s core needs is to spend time with his wife so that he is not alone!
That sounds easy to accomplish. Right? I mean most wives are totally willing, and even eager, to spend time with their husband….sitting on the couch, staring into each other’s eyes, and deeply sharing their feelings, thoughts, and hopes. Ummm. That’s not exactly how most men think about “spending time” with their wife!
A man’s version of spending time together typically involves physically doing stuff together, such as attending a sporting event, going hiking, playing golf, going fishing, walking through the home improvement store together, and yes, having sex. That’s a man’s version of companionship. This doesn’t mean you can’t ask your husband to spend some time with you in meaningful conversation from time to time, but it does mean you should consider engaging in his version of quality time periodically as well. Try it, and see if he doesn’t fall just a little more in love with you. J
My late husband Raul led a large men’s ministry called Band of Brothers For Christ for many years and as a result, he got to talk to hundreds of husbands about their marriages. One day, I asked my husband what 2 things he believes most husbands wish their wives understood about men. Here’s what he said:
1) That he needs to be valued by you. In other words, he wants to hear you appreciate the things he does for you and the family. He needs to be needed.
2) That you would appreciate his efforts….efforts to grow spiritually and in character, and that you would be patient and encouraging during that process. My husband said it takes time for a man to break free from all the temptations of the world and the lusts of his flesh, and that it’s super helpful if his wife acknowledges any forward progress he’s making, no matter how small.
After my husband explained this to me, it occurred to me that wives will automatically start filling these needs in our men when WE seek to follow God’s instructions on “how to love” in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
I thought the title of this devotional would get your attention!! 🙂 However, I’m not talking about guys lusting after scantily-clad Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. Instead, I’m talking about how men are naturally drawn to women who are cheerleaders in the sense of being their supporters and encouragers. So let me ask you this question. Does your husband sense that you are his cheerleader?
Most men struggle with feeling inadequate. Most men wrestle with feeling like a failure. Many men may never put effort into being a better father, husband, employee, or disciple of Jesus because they fear failure. In other words, they’d rather not try at all if it means they could risk the embarrassment of people noticing them failing in their endeavor. Perhaps this is why God instructed Joshua over and over again to “be strong and courageous” (Joshua 1:9). Joshua’s natural bent was to fear failure instead of stepping out with courage.
This is where a wife can make a huge difference! By speaking words of encouragement and affirmation and respect, your husband may find the courage to move forward. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 instructs us to “encourage one another and build each other up“. By becoming your husband’s cheerleader, your man may risk failure to step out and seek to be become a stronger, and more godly leader of your family. Wouldn’t that be awesome?!
It may give you a little thrill, but it leads downhill! The thrill I’m talking about is that little rush women get when we draw the attention of a man. It feels SO good! This is all completely fine as long as the man is your husband, but often we go out in public dressed in such a way that other men are tempted to lust over our bodies.
When we wear skin-tight clothes, cleavage-displaying shirts, extremely short skirts or midriff-baring tops, we are leading other men downhill. The attention might feel good, but do you really want to lead these men into the sin of lust? In Luke 17:1 Jesus said to his disciples: “Things that cause people to stumble are bound to come, but woe to anyone through whom they come.” Also, 1 Corinthians 10:32 says “Do not cause anyone to stumble“.
Let’s pledge to dress modestly instead of provocatively around our male co-workers, men at the store, and men at church. Let’s not be the downfall of the men around us. Think of it this way. Would you like it if another woman was dressing provocatively in front of your husband?
I know the Declaration of Independence says “all men are created equal”, and it is true that all humans are equally important. However, I have learned that not all men are exactly the same!
In my marriage to my late husband Raul, God had me launch a ministry that focused quite a bit on providing Bible guidance for wives. In the process, I began pressing into my role as my husband’s “helper” as referenced in Genesis 2:18. I realized that in order to be a help and blessing to him, I really needed to figure out what actually made him tick and what he needed from me. After studying him and asking him questions along this line, I discovered that he REALLY needed verbal affirmation from me and he desperately desired my respect. When I helped him by doing those things, he began to flourish even more. He became a better version of himself, and he often told me how much my affirmation and respect meant to him.
Fast forward following my husband’s untimely death, the Lord saw fit to bring a widower into my life and we are actually going to be getting married soon! I, of course, thought that I had my role as a wife and helper all figured out for this new husband. Wrong! I’m learning that the things that my late husband needed and wanted from me are not at all the same as what my new husband desires. They are different men. Duh!
This brought to mind Philippians 2:3-4, which says, “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
Are you looking to your husband’s interests? Don’t make the same mistake I did, thinking that all husbands basically want the same things from their wife. Each man is a little different. This means we need to be a student of our husbands. Study what makes your husband tick, what lights him up, what seems to be meaningful to him, what actions or words appear to be a blessing to him. Then do those things! Your husband will so appreciate you. 😊
When you think of the curses placed on Adam and Eve after they ate the forbidden apple, you probably think of Adam having to toil to bring food to the table and you likely think of Eve having to endure pain in childbirth. However, there is another curse placed on Eve that may have escaped your notice. It’s found in Genesis 3:16 where God says “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you“. That word “desire” in the original Hebrew means “to run to, to stretch out after, to have a vehement desire for”. Oh my. This explains a lot!
Almost all women struggle with almost an insane, overwhelming desire to secure a man. And this starts early! In fact, over the years, as I’ve observed my granddaughters at toddler age, they have tended to gravitate to their grandpas, dads, and boy cousins. Hmmm.
My point is this. If we recognize this curse, we will be more able to deal with it. The curse may explain why it’s so difficult for most women to establish and enforce boundaries with their husbands when their men are sinning against them by using pornography, drinking excessively, gambling large sums of money, spending time with other women, etc. If we do indeed have a deep instinctive desire (curse) to desperately hang onto our guy, we believe we can’t do anything to threaten our grip! This explains a lot, doesn’t it? Knowledge is the beginning of understanding. Ask Jesus to give you clarity about how your thoughts and actions are being affected by the curse. Then ask Him to give you courage and strength to make wise decisions. Tip: When you stop making a man the most important thing in your life and make Jesus your main relationship, then you will have the courage and confidence to set wise boundaries in your marriage (or dating relationships)!
Sometimes, men are so hard to understand! When we first see our husbands at the end of our work day, whether working away from home or inside the home, we LOVE to talk about how the day has gone. We eagerly await our husband’s arrival so that we can share the details about the children, the crazy thing the neighbors did today, the weird stuff that happened at work, etc. We LOVE to verbally process the day with our husbands. But guess what? Most men are not exactly excited about having a long conversation with their wives as soon as they walk in the door. They long to spend some time in their “nothing box”. Huh?
It’s hard for women to understand a man’s need for his “nothing box” because most women don’t even know what one is! I’ve had a few men explain it to me in two different ways. It can refer to most men’s uncanny ability to think about absolutely nothing…to completely zone out! It can also refer to a man’s need to have down time where he can veg. Here’s the basic idea. After a long day at work, most men need to enjoy either quiet or mindless activity in order to decompress from their day. This means your husband probably doesn’t want to hear the fascinating details of your day as soon as he walks in the door and he probably doesn’t want to talk about his day either…at least not for a while.
So, give your husband some space when he first walks in the door. Greet him with a smile and a kiss and then allow him some time in his “nothing box”. You will become more beautiful to him. God says this to wives in 1 Peter 3:3-4, “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit…”
You’ve probably heard of the “Five Love Languages”. It’s something Christian author and psychologist Gary Chapman figured out about how people are wired in terms of receiving love. The love languages are: words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, quality time, and gifts. Well, here’s something I’ve learned after talking with many wives whose husbands have completed the love language assessment. Almost all men have “physical touch” as one of their top 2 love languages.
Ladies, this means your husband craves not just sex, but little signs of physical affection throughout the day. When you do these small things, he feels loved by you. So, why wouldn’t you give him the physical affection that you know would bless him? By purposely withholding what he needs to feel loved, could it be that we’re actually sinning? Listen to what God says in James 4:17: “If anyone knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them.” Oh my.
Here are several ideas on how you can communicate love through physical touch. Reach out to hold his hand as you walk through the store. Give him a 20 second neck and shoulder rub as you’re walking by. Pinch his tush as he walks through the kitchen. Lean over his shoulder while he’s on the computer and give him a kiss. Rest your hand on his leg while you’re sitting together on the couch watching TV. Run your fingers through his hair. These small acts of physical touch are totally easy and yet they mean so much to most husbands. Try it!