marriage

Let husband be your hero!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Did you know most men really like to be needed?  I know.  Sometimes it doesn’t seem like it.  Sometimes, it seems like it’s hard to get them to follow through on a task you asked them to handle.  But you know what?  Sometimes we pick inopportune times to ask.  Often we don’t have their full attention, or we mention the task along with five other things we discussed.  Remember, men don’t think the same way women do!  They usually focus on only one thing at a time.

Anyway, back to the “being needed” thing. 🙂 Surveys show most men really do want to be your hero. I believe it’s a way they feel respected, and we know that respect is so important for a man that God actually commands wives to respect their husbands in Ephesians 5:33!  

This means our men want to lift a box that is kind of heavy for us.  They want to fix the leaky faucet and impress you with their “fix-it” skills.   They want to figure out a solution to your overloaded schedule problem.  They want to be our heroes.  The problem is this.  We often try to tackle everything ourselves….or when we do ask them to help with something, we either ask at a bad time, or we throw in the request amid a whole bunch of other “talk”. 

Let’s try this week to ask for our husband’s help with something…at a convenient time, very clearly, and simply.  Then let’s show appreciation when he follows through.  I bet he will love being your hero.

A special word to husbands

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

99.9 percent of my Bible-based insights are designed to help women personally and in their marriages. But I know that many husbands also read these messages, so I want to take a moment to give you an important insight about the woman in your life!  Ladies, if you’re the one reading this, perhaps you can tell your husband that I’m asking him to read this as well. 😊

God tells husbands in Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”  And later, in verses 28-29, God says “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church”.

So, God is calling you to love your wife in a self-sacrificing way…and to cherish her.  Please allow me to explain 3 key things that virtually every wife needs from you to feel loved and cherished:

  1. She longs to feel beautiful.  That means she needs you to notice her hair, her make-up, her outfit and tell her how beautiful she is…that she looks amazing today.  It also means that if she finds out you’ve been looking at pornography, she is deeply scarred.  The unspoken message she receives is that she is NOT attractive enough, that she doesn’t measure up, that every time you want to make love, you’re envisioning being with another woman who you view as more beautiful than her. That’s why I’m begging you to get help if you’re addicted to pornography.  Every time you look at porn, you’re slicing your wife’s heart.
  2. Every woman craves security. We’re just wired that way. She longs to feel financially secure and relationally-secure.  That’s why she gets freaked out when you talk about quitting your job or spending money on a new S-U-V.  She desperately needs to feel secure. 
  3. She needs you to be loving and gentle and involved with her children (whether those kids are your bio kids or step kids).  Nothing will break a wife’s heart quicker than to witness her husband being harsh or disrespectful or critical with her children.  That doesn’t mean that you need to be a push-over who doesn’t discipline the children, but she needs you to do so with love.  She needs to know that you deeply care about her children.

A wife’s laughter can wound

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Here’s something I’ve learned along my journey of being a wife.  Husbands desperately crave respect from their wives, ESPECIALLY in front of other people.  I’ve also learned that one of the things that crushes a husband is when his wife disrespects him in front of other people my making fun of his failures or laughing about his blunders.  Granted, some of his mistakes might be kind of funny, but sharing those “funny” mistakes with other people only serves to emasculate your husband.

I feel like a broken record because I’m constantly referring wives to Ephesians 5:33, but hey, we need constant reminders!  We so easily forget a man’s need to be respected by his wife.  Ephesians 5:33 simply says “the wife must respect her husband.”  Period.  No qualifiers.  God doesn’t say “show respect only when you feel respect”.  Nor does God say “show respect, except for when your husband makes a mistake”.  God simply and concisely instructs wives to BE respectful in their interactions with their husbands. This is a decision you get to make.  From personal experience, I can tell you that your decision to treat your husband with honor, respect and esteem (especially in front of other people), will draw his heart to you and encourage him to live up to your expectations of actually BEING an honorable and respectable man.  Try it!

Say this to draw your husband’s heart

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

We all know that women are greatly concerned about their body image….maybe even obsessed about it!  But did you know that men are also hyper-sensitive about one aspect of their body image?  Almost every man really wants to be perceived as strong and muscular.  This means your husband yearns for you to notice and appreciate his muscles!  He’s not going to tell you that, but he really wants to be perceived as strong!

Perhaps this is why the bride in the Bible’s Song of Songs continues to tell her groom over and over again how she values his strength and muscular body.  Here are some examples of what she tells him:  Song of Songs 2:8-9 “Behold, he comes, leaping over the mountains, bounding over the hills. My beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag.”   Song of Songs 5:14-15 “His arms are rods of gold set with topaz. His body is like polished ivory decorated with lapis lazuli. His legs are pillars of marble set on bases of pure gold. His appearance is like Lebanon, choice as its cedars.”

When’s the last time you verbally admired your husband’s strength?  When is the last time you noticed his biceps and made a little comment about how impressive they are?  Your husband craves those comments!  As you vocalize your appreciation for his physical strength, he will be drawn to you!

Most men find this disrespectful

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

If you’re anything like me, there’s a good chance that you may sound too much like a “mother” instead of a wife when talking to your husband, at least from time to time.  I still remember the time a few years ago that I caught myself sounding like my husband’s mother.  He was heading out the door and for some reason, I felt compelled to say, “Don’t forget to eat some breakfast before you go”.   Really?  Did I need to say that?!   Did my husband really need me to point out that he should remember to feed himself?  What?  Is he 3 years old or something?  Oh brother.

When we remind our husbands about things that would be obvious to any adult, we’re actually being disrespectful.  Ouch.  It’s as if we’re telling our husbands that we don’t think they’re capable of making basic, reasonable decisions.  We sound like we’re talking to a toddler!  “Don’t forget to take a coat.”…”Be careful that you don’t hurt yourself with that hammer”…”Let me explain to you how to do _________.”

Let’s keep in mind the Bible’s instruction to wives in Ephesians 5:33, where God says “the wife must respect her husband”.  Men crave the respect of their wives just like women desire to be deeply cherished.  Don’t communicate disrespect to your husband by talking to him like he’s an ignorant or helpless child who needs a mother to guide him.

Priorities for your relationships

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I’ve learned some humongous lessons in life, and I would love to share one of the biggest lessons with you.  I’ve discovered that it’s super important to keep 2 relationships as top priorities.

First, and most importantly, we MUST keep our relationship with the Lord as our primary relationship.  That relationship must be the one where we seek to find lasting love, security, and fulfillment.  Why is this so important?  Well, certainly Jesus tells us in Matthew 22 that the most important command is to love the Lord your God.  But beyond that, I’ve learned that the Lord is truly the only one you can ALWAYS depend on to be there.  He is the ONLY one who will never leave you.  He is the ONLY one who never changes.  He is the ONLY one you can truly count on. 

I learned that gigantic lesson when my beloved husband Raul suddenly passed away in 2021.  If I had “placed all my eggs in the basket” of my husband Raul, I would have been completely flattened and destroyed when he unexpectedly died.  Even though his death was extremely painful (and still is), I was able to carry on because Raul was not my primary relationship.  My relationship with God was my main source of love, joy, purpose and security.  If you’re married, make sure you don’t idolize your husband or your marriage.  Seek God each and every day, and make sure He is your top relationship!   As Psalm 16:5 says, “Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure”.

Additionally, I’ve learned that it’s dangerous to put a higher priority on your children than your husband.  Of course, your children need you, and of course, they are dearly loved, but if you focus almost exclusively on your kids and rarely focus time, energy and love on your husband, your marriage will probably enter a slow death spiral.  Then, the kids that you so dearly love will be deeply scared by a divorce. Don’t let that happen to you or your children.  Put a high priority on investing in your marriage, right AFTER your relationship with God.

** or view this topic as a 3 minute VIDEO BELOW

How wives display a “gentle” spirit

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

1 Peter 3:4 instructs wives to have a gentle, quiet spirit.  Hmmm.  This can be a rather confusing and frustrating instruction!  In fact, many wives rebel against this guidance from the Lord.  Why is that?  Well, I think it boils down to 2 things.

First, some wives fear that being quiet and gentle means they’re going to be controlled by their husband or become a weak doormat kind of wife!  Personally, in my marriage to my late husband Raul, I feared being controlled.  It’s because I was hurt by people who controlled me when I was young.  So, I rebelled at anything that even smelled like control!  But here’s what both you and I need to know.  Just because we allow our husbands to lead, does not mean that we are weak and have no voice.  It is something we get to CHOOSE to do to bring honor to God and honor to our husbands.  Also, you are not a doormat because you DO get to speak up respectfully and establish boundaries if your husband is sinning against you. (Matthew 18:15-17)

Second, some wives fear that if they strive for a gentle, quiet spirit that they’re going to have to change their personality!  But that’s just not true!  You can still be playful, joyful, and flirty with your husband.  However, you choose not to yell at him, argue with him about everything, boss him around, and demand your own way all the time.  🙂

3 key prayers for your husband

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

If you were to regularly pray 3 specific Bible verses on behalf of your husband, I believe you would see your man and your marriage and your whole family reap amazing benefits!  Here are the 3 Bible verses:  Ephesians 3:17-19, Proverbs 3:5-6, and James 4:7.  These verses ask God to reveal his love to your husband at a deep level, ask God to cause your husband to have a deep trust in God, and ask God to prompt your husband to submit himself to God.  When those 3 things happen, your man is completely transformed!

Here’s what this looks like:

Ephesians 3:17-19   “I pray that Jesus would come and dwell in ___________’s heart by faith, and that _____________, being rooted and established in love, may have power together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and that ___________ would know this love that surpasses knowledge, that _________ would be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”

Proverbs 3:5-6  “I pray that you would work in  _____________’s heart so that he would trust in the Lord with all his heart and lean not on his own understanding.  In all his ways, I pray that ____________ would acknowledge you Lord, so that you make his path straight.”

James 4:7-8  “I pray that you convict ______________ of the need to fully submit himself to you, God, and I pray that you would show _____________ how to resist the devil, so that the devil flees from _______________.

How to repair fractured marriage

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Dog-gone it.  Sometimes marriage is so hard.  Sometimes, the imperfections of our spouse end up hurting us…deeply.  Your husband may have wounded you with an anger problem.  He may have cheated on you with porn or a real-life woman.  He may have spent more time with his hobbies than he did with you and the kids, and that really hurt.  Hopefully, he’s no longer doing those things.

However, even if he has made some positive changes, the wounding can be so severe that your heart might feel a little like a cracked egg. It’s kind of like Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall and went splat!  Even if your husband repents, how can your heart be put back together again?

Here are two thoughts that may help.  First, ask God to give you the same kind of compassion for your husband that God extends to us when we mess up.  You might want to meditate on Colossians 3:12-14 which says, “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” 

Second, use this moment to examine your own actions and see if there is something God wants you to learn.  During some of the times in my life when I was most hurt by others, God gently showed me ways I contributed to the mess.  Have you been reacting to your husband’s behavior in disrespectful ways?  Have you avoided conflict and let resentment become toxic?  You and I probably both have some things we should learn.  Let’s commit to being humble and teachable.

A common delusion of wives!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

If you’re a believer, the devil (and his team of demons) are out to attack you and your marriage.  Jesus warns of the attacks we should expect in John 10:10 when He says, “The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy…”.  I’ve learned that the devil often uses a common tactic, which I term as a “beautiful delusion”.  Let me explain.

The devil (or one of the demons he assigns to you) will try to tempt you into believing the beautiful delusion that the neighbor guy, or the pastor, or your male co-worker, or the FedX guy is really your soul mate!  Here’s how this works.  The enemy will start trying to foster conversation between you and this other man.  Over time, he will place the thought in your mind that that particular guy really understands you and is so gentle and loving and you would be so much happier if he were your husband!!  He will try to get you to start sharing your thoughts and dreams, your hurts and grievances about our husband with that other man! 

The whole goal of the enemy is to slowly get you bonded with a man other than your husband.  He will work to create the beautiful delusion in your mind that you would be so much happier with that other man.  As a result, you end up having an affair.  Even though you think this would never happen to you, I’ve seen it happen many times.  In fact, it happened to me many, many years ago.  The end result is the destruction of your marriage.  That happened to me, and the happiness I thought I would have with that “other man” was just a delusion.

Be aware of this common scheme of the enemy.  Don’t allow yourself to spend time alone with another man.  Don’t share details about your marriage with another man.  Don’t offer “counsel” to another man.  The enemy is so very crafty.  He wants you to bite on a beautiful delusion.  As 2 Corinthians 11:14 puts it “Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light”.   Don’t let him fool you.  Don’t even take a step down the path that can lead to the eventual destruction of your marriage. 

** or view this topic as a 3 minute VIDEO BELOW