love

Do you have a mature view of marriage?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Have you noticed that our culture is self-absorbed?  We are receiving constant messages through advertising, social media, TV shows, and movies that life is all about pursuing personal happiness.  When we follow that secular line of thinking, then we naturally assume our marriage is designed to make us happy.  The minute our spouse wounds us or behaves below our expectations, we toss aside the marriage and try to find another man who will be the source of our happiness. 

First of all, that is an unending quest because you will never find a perfect husband!  But more importantly, this is not the purpose of a Biblical marriage.

As I study the Bible, I sensed the Holy Spirit revealing 5 purposes for marriage, although there are probably even more.  As you read the purposes outlined below, ask the Holy Spirit to show you how to press into those purposes in your own marriage.

  1. Marriage is designed for a husband and wife to have rich companionship as well as to provide help for each other as they navigate the challenges of life and seek to serve God together.  Genesis 2:18   Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.”
  2. Marriage is the primary place for you to learn how to carry out God’s major command to love your neighbor since the “neighbor” who is closest to you is your spouse!  Matthew 22:39 “Love your neighbor as yourself.”
  3. Marriage is designed to be a binding union and devoted partnership between a man and a woman.  Genesis 2:23-25 The man said, “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.
  4. Marriage is designed to produce children and build a family.  Genesis 1:28  God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number.”
  5. Ultimately, marriage, as well as everything we do and every relationship we have, is supposed to bring glory to God.  1 Corinthians 10:31 “So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God”  The question is this.  Does your marriage glorify God?  Is the way you conduct yourself as a spouse a great reflection of Christ?  A mature view of a Christian marriage entails realizing it’s not all about YOU!  It’s about glorifying God in everything you do, including reflecting the character of Christ in your marriage.

Have you lost that in-love feeling?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Have you lost that “in love” feeling with your husband?  Are you feeling like there should be more in your relationship?  There could be some major problems in your marriage that need to be addressed.  However, it could be that you’ve fallen prey to the notion that your relationship with your husband should resemble the thrill of new romance portrayed in chick flicks and romance novels.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I love watching a good romantic movie like The Proposal with Sandra Bullock.  I have enjoyed reading Christian romance novels.  However…you and I have to be so careful that we don’t start subconsciously thinking our marriages should have that constant thrill of new romance.  That’s unrealistic.  There is no way we’re going to be “twitterpated” (like Thumper in the Bambi movie) all the time!  Also, our husbands couldn’t possibly be as breathtaking as the men portrayed in the romantic comedies or as perfect as the men in the Christian romance novels!  It’s all a beautiful delusion from the enemy who wants to destroy your marriage.   I guess we shouldn’t be surprised.  The Bible says in 2 Corinthians 11:14 “Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light“

And here’s one more caution.  Did you realize that many romantic comedies actually promote a woman leaving the man she’s with to find the “true soul mate” awaiting her?  Yikes!  We get so involved with the romance story that we don’t even notice this is the case!  Think of Scarlett O’Hara in Gone With The Wind.  She pines away for the man who’s already married to someone else.  In Sleepless In Seattle, Meg Ryan’s character is engaged but feels there must be someone better out there.  The list goes on and on.  So, let’s be careful to avoid unrealistic expectations of our men and our marriages.

Signs you are truly a loving wife!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I don’t know about you, but I tend to think I’m a pretty amazing wife!  I mean I try to be respectful.  I try to keep the house clean and tidy.  I cook meals and bake sugary things I think my husband would like. I try to remember to encourage my husband from time to time. I’m faithful.  So, I’m doing great, right? 

Well, I was recently convicted when I happened to be reading a familiar passage of the Bible in 1 Corinthians 13.  In that passage, God explains what true love looks like.  As I read the passage more slowly than usual, I realized that I have quite a bit of room for growth when it comes to loving my husband well!  Maybe you have room for growth too.

I urge you to read the following description of love very slowly.  Linger over each facet of love that God is calling us to display.  Honestly ask the Holy Spirit to show you how you’re doing. Do you regularly display the signs of true love to your husband?  I bet God will highlight some areas where you could do better.  God is not mad at you.  We are all a work in progress, but let’s commit to making progress!! 

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NLT)  Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.  It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.  Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Avoid these common causes of divorce

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Recently, I was reading a bunch of different articles about the common causes for divorce, and I noticed 3 causes that seemed to appear the most frequently in each of these articles.  They are: financial problems/fights, lack of sexual and emotional intimacy, and poor communication.  Obviously, you would do well to be aware of these common traps so that you don’t end up in divorce court!  Also, since God designed marriage, it makes sense that His Word would have guidance to help us avoid falling into these 3 common causes of divorce.

As I was considering each of these 3 areas, something really interesting occurred to me.  Failing to value the other person’s needs and desires is central to all 3 of these common causes of divorce!  I will explain in a moment, but first, here is the key section of Scripture for you to apply.  Romans 12:10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.

Financial problems/fights:  Usually, these fights occur because most women highly value financial security and most men are prone to be a little more “adventurous” when it comes to spending money. So, the key here is to sit down with your husband and ask him to listen to and be considerate of your financial need for security, and then for you to be willing to take into consideration his desires regarding money.  Then, work toward a compromise that represents some of the values of you both!

Lack of sexual and emotional intimacy:  Often this happens in a relationship when we allow other things or other people to take precedence over the relationship with our spouse.  We treat our spouse and their needs, physical and emotional, as less important than other things.   It also happens when we allow a misunderstanding or disappointment with our spouse to fester and turn into toxic resentment which in turn leads to us putting up a “wall” with our spouse.  The key here is sit down with your spouse and determine to work all the way through any past misunderstandings and resentments.  Ask for forgiveness and give forgiveness.  Also, decide together to actively pursue physical and emotional intimacy by placing a high priority on those connections in your marriage.

Poor communication:  This often occurs because both the husband and the wife mistakenly believe the other one understands the way they think and their unspoken needs and desires!  We tend to think the other gender thinks like us, but they don’t!  The remedy here is to sit down, once again, and intentionally discuss many areas where you have had miscommunications in the past.  Clearly explain your needs and desires.  Ask your husband to clearly explain his needs and desires.  Agree to have direct communication instead of expecting the other person to “just know”!

Little things can draw husband’s heart

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

You want a quick and easy way to show respect to your husband and improve your marriage?  Just notice a few small things your husband seems to appreciate and then…..do them!  What a concept!  I mean, why wouldn’t a wife want to please her husband?  Why wouldn’t a wife want to be kind and thoughtful?  Colossians 3:12 tells us “as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.”  So, if you could do just a couple things differently, in a way that your husband prefers, why wouldn’t you extend that kindness to him?

Let me give you some examples.  My late husband Raul always insisted that if we loaded the dishwasher in a certain way, it cleaned the silverware better.  (I didn’t think it made any difference!).  But, I did it the way he liked…because it pleased him.  I knew my husband loved it when I left a little note of encouragement for him on the kitchen counter at least once a week.  So, I intentionally did that every week.  I knew my husband really appreciated a clean kitchen counter, so I tried to keep the counters tidy. Why wouldn’t I want to please him in such a small way?  I’m not saying a wife should have no opinion and should simply be a doormat for her husband.  But I think God would be pleased if we stopped only thinking of ourselves and started thinking a little more about blessing others…in this case, your husband!

How about you?  Could you intentionally take note of a few things your husband really appreciates, and then actually do some of those things?  It would make him feel respected.  It would draw his heart to you. It would likely improve your marriage.  Sometimes, it’s the little things…

Are you catastrophizing in marriage?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Have you ever heard the word catastrophizing?  It happens when a person fixates on the worst possible outcome and treats it as likely, even when it is not.  Unfortunately, this often happens between a husband and a wife!  Have you fallen into this dysfunctional and destructive trap yourself?

See if any of these patterns sound familiar.  Do you often believe the worst about your husband’s intentions and motivations? Do you tend to take one failure or disappointment regarding your husband and then blow that up into a sweeping condemnation of him altogether?  Do you tend to make negative assumptions about him?  Do you fixate on your husband’s shortcomings or the ways he fails to meet your every desire?   Do you believe he will let you down or disappoint you before he’s actually done so?!  Then you have likely fallen prey to the common trap of “catastrophizing”!  And you’re not alone.  I, too, have fallen into this unhealthy way of thinking far too frequently.

Here’s the remedy for catastrophizing.  The minute you find yourself going down that line of negative, fear-based, hopeless path of thinking about your husband, immediately catch yourself, and hit reverse!  In that moment, switch gears and start mentally tallying the good qualities of your husband.  It’s amazing how your feelings toward your husband will instantaneously change as you start focusing on the positive qualities he has (or even the bad things he does NOT do).  This is the essence of God’s instruction to us in Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Become an unoffendable woman!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Here’s a small but potent tip for improving all your relationships.  This tip will also improve your countenance!  Instead of being a sour-faced, bitter-looking woman, your face will exude peace, contentment, and calm.

Here’s the tip, and it’s actually straight from the Bible.  Stop being so easily offended!  Proverbs 19:11 in the NIV says, “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.”  The NLT translation puts it this way, “Sensible people control their temper; they earn respect by overlooking wrongs.”

This theme of overlooking offenses is repeated in the New Testament. 1 Peter 4:8 (amplified translation) says, “Above all, have fervent and unfailing love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins [it overlooks unkindness and unselfishly seeks the best for others].”

Think about it for a minute.  Do you take offense too quickly?  I’m not saying that you should willingly put yourself in situations where you are likely to be abused (verbally or in any way), but God instructs us over and over again to refrain from being easily offended and to keep no record of wrongs does against us.  In the Bible’s famous definition of love, found in 1 Corinthians 13, verse 4 says: It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured.

What is God highlighting to you in these Scriptures?  I know He is using these passages to convict me.  He’s showing me that I will have greater peace in relationships if I stop allowing myself to become offended when people don’t treat me exactly how I think they should.  He’s showing me that I will have greater peace in my soul when I stop dwelling on perceived offenses and focus on loving Him and loving others well. What’s He showing you?

No longer just roommates!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I assume every wife wants a marriage that is strong and fulfilling.  Certainly, every wife desires a marriage where she feels bonded and emotionally connected with her husband.  I would imagine literally every wife wants to feel passionate love toward her husband and sense that he has the same passionate love for her.  But here’s what I know.  If a wife does not nurture her marriage and be diligent in creating time for bonding, her marriage will likely wither on the vine.  The passion and “in love” feeling will slowly fade away and be replaced by more of a roommate mentality.  Let this not be so for your marriage!

You will only have a strong and passionate marriage if you are diligent and intentional about setting aside time to connect with your husband.  One of the most important ways to connect is in the bedroom!  A husband who senses that his wife is eager to make love to him will be drawn to his wife and even intoxicated by his wife!  Listen to what the Bible tells husbands in Proverbs 5:18-19  May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.  A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.

Ladies, let’s be diligent in carving out time to bring some romance and bonding into our marriages.  I know you are a busy woman, but we make time for the things that we think are necessary and important.  Your marriage is important! 

3 ways to fall back in love!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

It’s so easy for a married couple to become more like roommates than lovers!  Once the excitement of the wedding and honeymoon fade away, the everyday stresses like finances, children, housework, etc. can start to suck that warm and fuzzy feeling right out of your marriage!  Well, here are 3 things that will help to rekindle that loving feeling:

1)  Start to do the things you used to do when you were dating.  In the Bible’s book of Revelation, chapter 2, the church in Ephesus received this rebuke, “Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first. Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first.”   That church needed to get back to doing the things that kept them in close fellowship with Christ, and we need to do the same things in our marriage.  Did you go to the movies?  Did you go out to dinner once a week? Did you go snowboarding in the winter or hiking in the summer?  Then, carve out some time to have that kind of fun with your husband now! 

2)  Kiss your husband with passion (like you used to)!  Seriously.  Give it a try and see if some sparks start to fly.

3)  List at least 7 good things about your husband.  Philippians 4:8 says “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.”     So, think of as many positive things about your husband as you can.  Write them down.  Look at that list every day.  As you do so, your heart will become warmer toward him.

Invite 3rd party into your marriage

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

One of my super humbling moments as a newly divorced woman actually reminds me of a vital marriage principle.  Here’s the event forever etched in my memory from December of 2002:

It was nearing Christmas and I had just gone through a divorce after 18 years of marriage.  My children were 16 and 14 at the time and I wanted to keep as many Christmas traditions in place as possible, so I announced that I was taking the kids to cut down our Christmas tree from a local tree farm.  Just before we took off, I realized I didn’t have any way to tie the tree to the top of my SUV.  But hey, I’m a reasonably intelligent person, or so I thought. lol  I wasn’t going to let anything deter me!

So I searched my new house for something resembling rope or a bungee cord.  Alas, there was no such thing on hand.  All I had was some….sewing thread. Hmmm. Well, maybe a whole bunch of thread would work?

Off we went to pick out our beautiful Christmas tree.  My son cut it down.  Unlike me, he apparently knew how to handle this part of the operation.  We hoisted the tree to the top of my SUV and then I carefully wove my spool of thread back and forth across the tree to secure it to the roof.  My kids just shook their heads in disbelief.  Then we took off, and we actually made it about a half-mile before the tree took a slow, inelegant slide from the top of the car to the road. Splat!

Why am I sharing this story with you?  I’m using it to remind both you and me that a tiny thread is not sufficient to hold anything heavy when the wind starts blowing against it.  In the same way, we need a super strong rope to hold a marriage together when we are slammed by the wind of miscommunication, frustration, and unmet expectations in marriage. We need a rope of three strands…you, your husband and the Lord.  Ecclesiastes 4:12 says “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.  A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

Sit down with your husband and brainstorm ideas on how you can keep God in the center of your marriage. You will need Him to help hold you guys together when you encounter the inevitable adversity and challenges that hit every marriage! Invite a third party into your marriage…the Holy Spirit!