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The ABC’s of marriage communication

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

So many wives lament about the problem of communication in their marriage.  Although entire books have been written on this subject, allow me to spell out 3 seemingly small things you can do that will greatly improve communication in your marriage.  They are the A, B, C’s:

  1. Assumptions are poison:  Don’t assume that your husband knows what you want or need, even though it is totally obvious to you and to pretty much every other woman on the face of the earth!  Men don’t think like women.  They don’t pick up on hints either.  So if you want something or need help with something, make your request clear and specific.  Example:  If you’re feeling overwhelmed because friends are coming over for dinner and your house is a mess, don’t just tell your husband you’re overwhelmed.  He may just sit down and start watching a basketball game on TV while you frantically start cleaning and grow more irritated by the minute!  Instead, ask him if he will do a certain chore such as vacuuming and have it done by no later than 6 pm. 
  2. Believe the best:  Believe the best about your husband during communication.  It’s funny how we tend to read between the lines in unflattering ways when our husband talks to us.  But what if you were to constantly coach your soul to believe the best about your husband and to place what he says through that filter?  Example:  Your husband says he’s too tired to play with the kids tonight even though they’re begging him to play catch.  You immediately assign a negative conclusion or belief that “he doesn’t even love our children!”.  But that isn’t what he said.  What if you were to immediately believe the best about him and come to the conclusion that he must be really tired from a stressful day at work and needs some time to get recharged?  What a difference!
  3. Careful listening:  Many communication problems could be solved if we were simply better listeners.  Often, we’re distracted and only partially paying attention to what our husband is saying.  Other times, especially during a disagreement, we aren’t paying any attention at all because we’re planning our wise rebuttal to whatever he has to say!  Great marriages benefit from carefully considering and respecting the other person’s point of view, not just our own.  Philippians 2:3-4 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.  Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Is your husband happy to see you?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Who does your husband encounter when he walks through the door at the end of the day?  Is he happy to be greeted by a warm, gentle, loving wife…or does he encounter a “drip”? Who wants to be considered a “drip”?  That’s not very flattering!  However, the Bible assigns that label to a wife who is always complaining and criticizing and arguing.  Proverbs 27:15 says “A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm.”  Uh-oh.  Could that label belong to you?

I’m not saying that you should sweep any sinful behavior by your husband under the rug.  So don’t get the wrong impression that you must never confront immoral or destructive behavior in your marriage. If your husband is engaged in a pattern of actual sin against you, follow the instructions of Jesus in Matthew 18:15-17 and seek godly counsel.   What I am saying is that we need to be careful that we don’t become a constant critic of our husband!  No man wants to come home to that.

Did you know that anonymous surveys of men reveal that most guys are actually very insecure and fear failure most every day?  What they need from their wives is encouragement, not complaints and criticism.  Make a commitment to find something good about your husband every day this week and then tell him how much you appreciate those good qualities.  Use a gentle and loving voice when you talk with him.  He will actually enjoy being around you!  Let’s be an “anti-drip”!!

This one choice could change your marriage

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I wonder what would happen if you asked God to transform your character into His character and then you actually began striving to display His character in your marriage?  I bet your marriage would begin to thrive!

God describes His own character in Psalm 103:8, where the Bible says “The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.”   Even just pressing into one of those 4 qualities could make a huge impact in your marriage.  What if you started displaying grace toward your man?  Grace simply means giving someone undeserved favor and loving kindness.

I’m not saying you should ignore destructive patterns of sin in your husband’s life.  However, I am recommending that you work to extend kindness to your husband even when they’ve annoyed you or disappointed you in small ways.  In fact, what if you were to extend grace by choosing to believe that he didn’t mean to disappoint you?  What if you were to give him the benefit of the doubt?  Extending that kind of grace could change your whole attitude toward your husband…and could draw his heart toward you!

Perhaps, we could sum it up this way. The appreciated wife leaves a fragrance, not an odor!

The power of a wife’s words

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Proverbs 18:21 says “the tongue has the power of life and death”.  Oh my.  Consider how many words a woman usually speaks in just one day, and you can see the potential for disaster!

It took me a couple decades to really understand this fact.  The words spoken by a wife to her husband can either build him up and give him confidence to step up and be an even better man…or her words can tear him down to the point that he emotionally withdraws from her and doesn’t try to accomplish much of anything because he believes he’s a failure.

What kind of words are you speaking to your husband?  Are you his biggest cheerleader?  Do you intentionally encourage him every single day, or do you give in to the temptation to point out his many flaws on a regular basis?  He NEEDS you to believe in him and encourage him.  By the way, this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t hold him accountable or put boundaries in place if he is actively sinning against you.  However, even then, you can address sinful behavior with an attitude that is loving and hopeful.  You can still let your husband know that you see something good in him.

Best question to ask when upset

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

There’s a golden phrase I discovered many years ago.  When I started using it, I found it helped prevent my husband from getting defensive when I was upset or frustrated about something he had said or done.  Instead of accusing him of doing something wrong, I learned to kindly and sincerely ask this question: “Help me understand why…”

This simple question prevents the monster of defensiveness from raising its ugly head.  By asking your husband to “help me understand”, you’re communicating two things to your husband.  1) You really do care about his perspective and feelings, and 2) You’re acknowledging there may actually be a legitimate reason for why he did or said whatever.  At least, you’re giving him a chance to explain himself before you start arguing with him or condemning him!!  

By asking your husband to help you understand his behavior or perspective, you’re avoiding a foolish argument.  Proverbs 18:2 says “Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.”  By asking your husband to help you understand his perspective, you’re pleasing both God and your husband by living out the instructions in Philippians 2:4 “Each of you should consider not only your own interests, but also the interests of others.”

Try this phrase when you sense a potential ugly argument is headed your way.  You can not only use this phrase with your husband, but with your children, your in-laws, your co-workers, your boss, and more.  Again, the phrase (actually a question) is….”Help me understand why…”

Is your husband better than you thought?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I remember being convicted several years ago when I overheard my late husband Raul tell some other men that he sometimes does things for me that he doesn’t feel like doing…just because he knows I will appreciate it.  This was news to me!  I hadn’t thought about it that way.  I thought he WANTED to do those things!  For instance, for years, Raul gave my feet a little massage every night before I went to sleep.  I thought he enjoyed doing that!  He also ran ALL the errands that needed to be done for us.  I thought he liked to run errands!  He also made sure there was always a fresh toilet paper roll waiting for me in the bathroom just in case the current one ran out.  Nice! 

Here’s the thing.  We often take our husbands for granted.  Could it be that your husband is doing things he doesn’t really want to do just to please you?  Could he be acting selflessly, and you just didn’t realize it?  Is he more noble than you thought?  Hmmm.  Could your husband be doing kind things for you that you didn’t even realize were a sacrifice for him? For instance….if he comes home from work exhausted and yet takes time to play with the kids or help you with some chores, that’s something to truly appreciate! Think about it and ask God to show you ways that your husband may be more noble than you thought.

Bottom line:  Maybe your husband is really doing a pretty good job fulfilling God’s command to husbands in Ephesians 5:25 where he tells men to “love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her”.   The question is: How are YOU doing in fulfilling God’s command to wives in Ephesians 5:33 where he tells women, “the wife must respect her husband”?

Top 10 Bible verses for wives

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Believe it or not, God has better marriage advice than Cosmopolitan Magazine, Ellen DeGeneres, Oprah, or Kim Kardashian. He created us, so he probably knows how to make relationships work!  He has provided profound relationship principles in the Bible…and when wives apply these principles, amazing things happen!  Broken marriages begin to heal and mediocre marriages begin to thrive.  Here are my Top Ten Bible verses for wives, in no particular order.  As you read these verses, ask God to show you the principle he wants you to apply in your marriage:

1)  Genesis 2:18 “It is not good for man to be alone; I will create a helper suitable for him”

2)  1 Peter 3:4 tells wives to have “the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit which is of great worth in God’s sight”

3)  Proverbs 31:30 “Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised”

4)  Titus 2:4-5 “Urge the younger women to love their husbands and children and to be self-controlled and pure”

5)  Proverbs 31:27 “She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness”

6)  Ephesians 5:33 “The wife must respect her husband”

7)  Matthew 18:15-17 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, just between the two of you.  If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.  But if he does not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.  If he still refuses to listen, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” 

8)  Hebrews 12:15 “See to it that no bitter root grows up among you to cause trouble and defile many.”

9)  1 Corinthians 7:2-3 “Since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.  The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.”

10)  Colossians 3:18 “Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord”

An epiphany for your marriage!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Here’s one small but powerful shift in perspective that will change your entire marriage.  Start asking God to help you love the way He describes love in 1 Corinthians 13:4-5, but especially focusing on that little section in the middle of verse 5 where the Bible says this about love….”it is not self-seeking…”  Mic drop.

Everything changes when I stop focusing on self!  When I start asking God how I can be a blessing to my husband, and how I can reflect His love and grace to my husband, then everything starts to change.  I no longer keep a record of wrongs.  I no longer get easily frustrated and angry.  Disappointment no longer consumes my thoughts.  I’m not easily offended.

When I stop focusing on self, I can even approach sinful patterns in my husband with new boldness because I want the best for HIM, not just me.  I can boldly and firmly request that he gets help, but because I’m not self-focused, I can make those requests respectfully and in love.

I actually bought myself a stainless steel bracelet a while ago and had it engraved to say these words, “It’s not about me”.  I never take it off.  I wear it 24/7.  I need that constant reminder.  How about you?

** or view this topic as a 2 minute VIDEO BELOW

Confront selfishness & self-centeredness!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Selfishness. It’s such an unattractive character quality, right?! I’ve always thought most men are pretty selfish, and perhaps many are.  However, God’s been convicting me of my own selfishness! Ugh. It can be a very subtle thing for women.  In fact, selfishness and self-centeredness are often found in a woman’s thought-life.  She may think things like this:  “My husband should be more romantic toward me. How can I convince my husband that my way is right?  My husband isn’t really making me happy anymore.  I married him because he’s supposed to make me happy!”  And the thoughts go on and on.  We also tend to have this self-centered narrative playing inside our heads in regard to all our relationships!  We think things like, “Why doesn’t my ______ (mom, dad, sister, neighbor, co-worker) encourage me and see that I need to be appreciated?”

I’m becoming convicted that none of us will find much joy in marriage, or in any relationship, when we only look out for what we want and what we think will make us “happy”.  Actually, true joy comes from serving others and thinking of how we can bless them.  It is so counter-intuitive!  However, it is also so Biblical.  Philippians 2:3-4 says “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourself.  Each of you should look not only to his own interests but also to the interests of others.”  Maybe you should try to look at life from your husband’s perspective this week and really try to understand his point of view during disagreements. Maybe you could intentionally build him up each day and voice your appreciation for big and small things he does.  How could you bless him this week?  Maybe you should ask God how you can be a blessing to your mom or dad or co-worker this week, instead of expecting them to bless you!

P.S. I know some of you are thinking, “Why should I be the only one doing this? What about my husband?”  Well, how about if you clean up your side of the street first?  I have a strong hunch that your entire marriage will improve and your husband’s heart will be drawn to you.  Are you willing to give it a try?

How prayer changes your marriage

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Prayer really is powerful!  You might be concerned about your husband’s actions or decisions.  You may be distressed about his lack of attention or affection toward you or the children.  If the offense is serious enough, you may need to establish boundaries, but at the end of the day, the truth is…YOU can’t change your husband.  However, the good news is that God DOES have the power to change your husband’s heart!  Ezekiel 36:26 lets me know God can change your man’s heart because that verse says “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you”.  I love to encourage wives to pray that verse for their husbands if their men appear to be off course in some area of their life.  Then, we have to be patient while we wait for God to answer our prayers for our men.  We also have to be intentionally watchful or we may even miss the answer to our prayer.

I was just thinking back about prayers I lifted to God many years ago regarding my late husband Raul.  I suddenly realized that God had actually answered those prayers before he passed away!  The changes happened so slowly and over such a long period of time that I hadn’t really noticed!  Hmmm.  It’s a good reminder to pray persistently, as Jesus instructs us to do in Luke 18, and then be watchful and alert for his answers.  Colossians 4:2 says “Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful.”  So, don’t let an answered prayer slip by unnoticed.  We don’t want to miss out on thanking God and rejoicing in His faithfulness.

Looking back, can you see God making slow changes in your marriage, in you, or in your husband as a result of your long-time prayers?