husbands

Love language mistakes

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Many of you are probably familiar with the 5 love languages as explained by Christian counselor and author Gary Chapman, but I’m pretty sure that many of us are making some mistakes when trying to use the “love languages”.

Before I go any further, let me explain the theory of the love languages and give a brief description of each one.  The idea is that every person has one or two prominent ways that they receive the message they are loved by the other person in the relationship.  Also, if the other person fails to communicate in your dominant “love language”, you may feel unloved. The 5 love languages are:  word of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, physical touch, and gifts.

Here’s where a lot of us make a mistake.  We tend to try to communicate love to the other person in the love language that we prefer….the particular way that makes us feel loved….even though that may not be the other person’s love language at all!  It’s a natural tendency to want to give love in the way that seems meaningful to you.  However, it may not mean much of anything to that other person if that’s not their primary love language!   The Bible tells us in Romans 12:10 Be devoted to one another in love.  But that doesn’t mean devote yourself to showing love in the way YOU want to receive it!

I had that light bolt realization the other day.  I was feeling kind of frustrated because my attempts to show love to my husband seemed to fall flat, to go unnoticed, and to be totally unappreciated.  What?  Then I stepped back and realized I was trying to show love in my love language, not his!  Duh!  I also realized that I was expending a lot of energy trying to communicate love in a way that really wasn’t important to him.  Have you been doing the same thing?  Maybe it’s time to talk with the other person about which love language is most meaningful to him and then start actually speaking that particular love language instead of your own!  It will save you time, energy, and frustration, and it will bring the message of love to him!

Your husband’s “nothing box”

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Sometimes, men are so hard to understand!  When we first see our husbands at the end of our work day, whether working away from home or inside the home, we LOVE to talk about how the day has gone.  We eagerly await our husband’s arrival so that we can share the details about the children, the crazy thing the neighbors did today, the weird stuff that happened at work, etc.  We LOVE to verbally process the day with our husbands.  But guess what?  Most men are not exactly excited about having a long conversation with their wives as soon as they walk in the door.  They long to spend some time in their “nothing box”.  Huh?

It’s hard for women to understand a man’s need for his “nothing box” because most women don’t even know what one is!  I’ve had a few men explain it to me in two different ways.  It can refer to most men’s uncanny ability to think about absolutely nothing…to completely zone out! It can also refer to a man’s need to have down time where he can veg.  Here’s the basic idea.  After a long day at work, most men need to enjoy either quiet or mindless activity in order to decompress from their day.  This means your husband probably doesn’t want to hear the fascinating details of your day as soon as he walks in the door and he probably doesn’t want to talk about his day either…at least not for a while.

So, give your husband some space when he first walks in the door.  Greet him with a smile and a kiss and then allow him some time in his “nothing box”.    You will become more beautiful to him.  God says this to wives in 1 Peter 3:3-4, “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes.  Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit…”

Let husband be your hero!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Did you know most men really like to be needed?  I know.  Sometimes it doesn’t seem like it.  Sometimes, it seems like it’s hard to get them to follow through on a task you asked them to handle.  But you know what?  Sometimes we pick inopportune times to ask.  Often we don’t have their full attention, or we mention the task along with five other things we discussed.  Remember, men don’t think the same way women do!  They usually focus on only one thing at a time.

Anyway, back to the “being needed” thing. 🙂 Surveys show most men really do want to be your hero. I believe it’s a way they feel respected, and we know that respect is so important for a man that God actually commands wives to respect their husbands in Ephesians 5:33!  

This means our men want to lift a box that is kind of heavy for us.  They want to fix the leaky faucet and impress you with their “fix-it” skills.   They want to figure out a solution to your overloaded schedule problem.  They want to be our heroes.  The problem is this.  We often try to tackle everything ourselves….or when we do ask them to help with something, we either ask at a bad time, or we throw in the request amid a whole bunch of other “talk”. 

Let’s try this week to ask for our husband’s help with something…at a convenient time, very clearly, and simply.  Then let’s show appreciation when he follows through.  I bet he will love being your hero.

Most men find this disrespectful

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

If you’re anything like me, there’s a good chance that you may sound too much like a “mother” instead of a wife when talking to your husband, at least from time to time.  I still remember the time a few years ago that I caught myself sounding like my husband’s mother.  He was heading out the door and for some reason, I felt compelled to say, “Don’t forget to eat some breakfast before you go”.   Really?  Did I need to say that?!   Did my husband really need me to point out that he should remember to feed himself?  What?  Is he 3 years old or something?  Oh brother.

When we remind our husbands about things that would be obvious to any adult, we’re actually being disrespectful.  Ouch.  It’s as if we’re telling our husbands that we don’t think they’re capable of making basic, reasonable decisions.  We sound like we’re talking to a toddler!  “Don’t forget to take a coat.”…”Be careful that you don’t hurt yourself with that hammer”…”Let me explain to you how to do _________.”

Let’s keep in mind the Bible’s instruction to wives in Ephesians 5:33, where God says “the wife must respect her husband”.  Men crave the respect of their wives just like women desire to be deeply cherished.  Don’t communicate disrespect to your husband by talking to him like he’s an ignorant or helpless child who needs a mother to guide him.

Pride can actually be good!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Normally, pride isn’t a very good thing. In fact, God tells us over and over again throughout His Word that we need to get rid of pride.  I think we’ve all heard the Bible verse “Pride goeth before a fall” (Proverbs 16:18).

But here’s the thing.  I believe God is talking about getting rid of pride in ourselves.   He doesn’t want us to be puffed up and arrogant.  God wants us to attract people to Him through our humility.   However, I don’t see any place in Scripture where God tells us to avoid telling our loved ones that we are proud of them.  That kind of “pride” isn’t arrogant.  It’s extremely encouraging to the recipient! 

In fact, telling your husband “I’m proud of you” can move your husband out of paralyzing insecurity into confident, positive action.  When you say, “You’re a good man”, or “you have a good heart”, or I’m so proud to be your wife”, you are speaking words of life to your husband.  He longs to hear those words.  It’s time we stopped focusing only on what’s wrong with our husbands, and looked for some things that we can honestly affirm.  Our men need our encouragement!

This hit home for me a couple of years ago in my marriage to my late husband Raul.  My husband took the time to tell me that he felt tremendously encouraged when I would occasionally pop into his home office and tell him I’m proud to be his wife.  That tiny little statement built him up.  It helped him press back into the challenges that awaited him.  It helped him feel like he could slay dragons.  His wife was proud of him.  She believed in him.  He had the courage and confidence to keep moving forward.  Your words are powerful!  Have you told your man that you’re proud of him lately?  Are you speaking those essential words to your husband?

Consider Proverbs 14:1  A wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands a foolish woman tears hers down.  Are you building up your husband, and thereby, building up your marriage and family?  Or are you tearing down your husband and demolishing your home?  Something to ponder!

How encouragement changes husband

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I still remember the time a few years ago when I realized how much impact a wife’s words have on her husband.  I was having a super frustrating day and I was kind of sharp with my late husband Raul.  He seemed to withdraw emotionally and within moments, he physically removed himself from the room.  Hmmm. 

Then fast forward to a different day, and I decided to purposely look for something good about my husband and to actually tell him about that “good” that I see in him.  The minute I did that, he got a little spring in his step.  His entire countenance changed.  Interestingly, he also seemed to be even more thoughtful and gentle toward me.  It was as if my encouragement and respect made him feel so much better about himself that he now felt secure enough to be kind and loving and patient with others. Wow!

This reminded me of the Lord’s instructions for us to encourage each other.  1 Thessalonians 5:11  “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.”  We need encouragement, but so do our men!  When was the last time you intentionally looked for good qualities in your husband and told him about those things?  When was the last time you took note of him taking time to play with the kids, or handling a household chore without being told, or being kind to others? 

Let’s commit to building up our guys.  They need our steady encouragement, and we’ll also benefit as they begin to feel valued and respected.

How to attract husband’s heart

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

So, you’re married, but after 2 years or 22 years, the excitement and romance can easily fade, especially when children enter the picture!  How can a wife continue to capture her husband’s heart year after year?

1 Peter 3:1-4 gives us some clues.   Read verses 1 through 4 slowly.  Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

Two insights popped out at me.  How about you?  First, a husband is drawn to a wife who chooses to yield/submit to his leadership.  This is such a huge sign of respect in a man’s eyes!  And so many surveys of men reveal that they all yearn for respect.  Secondly, a wife will have unfading beauty if she interacts with her husband in a soft, gentle way.  This is also super respectful in a man’s eyes.  No man is drawn to an aggressive, argumentative, critical wife who challenges him at every turn!

And I would like to add one more insight that I’ve simply learned from experience.  Carry yourself with confidence and self-respect.  Men are repelled by a woman who is clingy and needy, and they are drawn to women who are strong and confident (and maybe even a bit playfully sassy!), and yet who allow the man to “rescue” her from time to time. 😊

2 surprising things husbands want!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

In the last couple of months, I have hosted several panel discussions featuring husbands.  I had a chance to ask husbands of different ages various questions designed to help wives grasp what husbands want and need from their wives. 

Most wives already know that most husbands want a good meal and sex!  That’s nothing new.  However, there were 2 new things I learned, and I noticed quite a few of the wives in attendance were also a bit surprised by 2 common answers.

When asked about how a wife’s respect impacts a man, many of the husbands said they feel respected if their wife stops what she’s doing and actually listens closely to what he has to say.  All this time, most women have yearned for their husbands to listen to them, but it turns out that men really want their wives to be intentional and respectful listeners also!  They feel respected and important if their wife actually pays attention to them and hears what they’re trying to communicate.

Another interesting thing I learned is that most of the men agreed that what makes their wife especially attractive (other than physical beauty) is being joyful and happy.  Wow!  That is something we have control over.  The saying “happy wife, happy life” is apparently very true!  One husband said he finds his wife beautiful when she smiles.  Another husband said he finds his wife especially attractive when she seems happy and filled with joy.  Proverbs 17:22 puts it this way, A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. 

Two things most husbands want:  be a good listener and smile more.  We can do this, ladies!

** or view this topic as a 2 minute VIDEO BELOW

Perfect gift for your husband

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

The perfect gift for your husband…whether it’s Christmas, father’s day, his birthday or your anniversary….is super inexpensive. Give him the gift of respect! The Bible makes it clear that a wife is to respect her husband. This instruction is found in Ephesians 5:33 which simply says “the wife must respect her husband”, and most wives know that a man craves his wife’s respect. However, sometimes it’s hard to figure out how to communicate that respect. It’s especially difficult if your husband isn’t perfect! We naturally gravitate to focusing on what’s wrong with our men as opposed to what’s right.

I’m not saying we should ignore a husband’s blatant sin or destructive patterns. We definitely need to pray about confronting disrespectful, destructive, or immoral patterns of behavior. However, we can’t ONLY focus on his areas of weakness. Our men need to know that we believe in them. They need to know that we notice their strengths too!

A simple way to communicate respect is to voice appreciation for the big and small things your husband does for you and your family. Does he go to work each day? Tell him how much you appreciate his hard work. Does he set aside some time each day to play with the kids? Let him know how much you appreciate that. Does he refrain from stopping at the bar on the way home from work? Tell him how much you appreciate that he comes straight home to his family. A great gift you can give to your husband is your daily appreciation for all he does, and to affirm things that he actually does right! It’s a sign of respect.

By the way, some other simple ways to show respect include, paying attention when he’s talking to you, greeting him with a smile and hug when he comes home, and asking his opinion on how he would like things to go at your home and in your family.

Husbands need time to process!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Have you ever noticed a blank look on your husband’s face when you suddenly bring up a heavy topic, voice a frustration, or ask him to change a behavior? Or does your husband seem to get defensive very quickly in those moments? I’m discovering that the reason for the blank look or the immediate defensiveness is because a man thinks differently than a woman!

Women process thoughts, ideas and feelings at lightning speed. We are ready to engage in a deep conversation at the drop of a hat. We can verbalize how we feel instantaneously! Men, on the other hand, need time to process their thoughts and feelings. So…..when we suddenly bring up a deep topic, or state how we feel, or ask them to make a change in behavior, or heaven forbid, ask them how they feel, our men become like the proverbial “deer in the headlights”! Often they default to the blank look on the face or they become defensive because they feel pressured to do or say something, and they haven’t yet had a chance to think things through.

Here’s what I learned to do. I learned to bring up a concern or state my feelings on an issue and then let my husband have some breathing room to process it. I learned to say “let’s talk more about this later after you’ve had a chance to think about it.” Most men need some space to process their thoughts and feelings. Maybe this is a good opportunity for us to practice patience! Ponder these two Proverbs. Proverbs 19:11 “A person’s wisdom yields patience…” Proverbs 14:29 “Whoever is patient has great understanding….”