husbands

Men NEED this from their wife

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I think I can.  I think I can.  I think I can.  That’s the self-fulfilling prophecy repeated over and over again by the little train in the well-known children’s story.  The train faced an up-hill battle, but it encouraged itself by stating positive thoughts out loud.  In the end, the little engine’s encouraging words to itself spurred it on to successfully climb the hill.

Husbands are like that little train. They face an uphill battle.  The world tells our men they are failures, that they don’t measure up, that they’re not good enough.  Satan constantly whispers words of discouragement to our guys.  As a result, our men often stop attempting to grow spiritually.  They often stop taking courageous steps forward in leading their families.  Instead of boldly fighting for justice and integrity, many choose to check out through alcohol, drugs, video games, gambling or pornography.  But WE can be that voice speaking encouragement to our men!  We can say, “I think you can”.  “I know you can”.  “I believe in you”.  “I’m praying for you.”   “God’s going to give you the strength”.   Hebrews 3:13 is a good reminder to us.  It says “Encourage one another daily as long as it is called ‘Today’ so that no one is hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.”

You can help move your husband from defeat and retreat to a place of exciting victory simply by your words of encouragement.  Will you help your husband be the little engine that could?  I think you can.  I think you can.  I think you can.

This prompts husbands to pick fights

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I’ve had quite a few light bulb moments as a wife, so I thought it might be beneficial to share one of those “aha” moments with other wives. 😊  I’ve noticed over the years with my late husband Raul, but now also with my new husband Mark, that from time to time, they would get a bit argumentative.  It’s almost like they were picking a fight!  What?!  Why would they do that with sweet little old me?

Of course, my first thought was “What is his problem!?”  But then when I paused and asked God to give me insight, I sensed that God was showing me that a man who feels insecure or unadmired or unneeded will often pick a fight or criticize his wife or just become plain irritable!  Interesting.  So, then I consulted God again as to WHY my husband would feel insecure, and He gently revealed that sometimes, a wife can unintentionally contribute to a man’s insecurity by making his feel unneeded or disrespected.  Yikes!  I don’t ever mean to do that, but apparently, I’ve been guilty of that more often than I’d like to admit. 

Perhaps it’s time that you and I as wives ask God to help us do a better (or at least more consistent) job of carrying out his instructions to us in Ephesians 5:33… The wife must respect her husband.  Perhaps it’s time that we ask God to help us carry out the wise counsel He gives us in 1 Thessalonians 5:11… So encourage each other and build each other up. 

In other words, notice what your husband is doing right and let him know.  Take a look at his talents, abilities and admirable character qualities and let him know that you notice.  Ask his opinion on things and actually listen, affirming him when he makes a particularly good point.  This one thing I know:  a husband with a wife who shows respect and admiration is a husband who is much more secure and much less likely to pick a fight!

This deeply offends most husbands

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

My late husband Raul and I had some interesting conversations over the years about a man’s need for respect and honor.  One of things he mentioned several times is how devastating it is for a man to hear his wife criticize him or make fun of him in front of other people.  Even if she is trying to be funny, and even if he seems to be laughing along with everyone else, most men are quite offended by this and feel disrespected by the one person who is supposed to be for them…their wife!

So, this is just a brief reminder for all of us to be ever so careful with our men’s fragile hearts.  Even though I thought my husband’s little quirks were funny, it was probably not a brilliant idea for me to share those quirks with other people! Even though I thought one of his blunders was hilarious, I realized he was going to feel disrespected if I shared that funny story with others.  Let’s all be vigilant in protecting our men’s hearts.  They so desire our respect, especially in public.  Maybe we all need to quote Ephesians 5:33 every morning before we start our day.  It very simply says, “The wife must respect her husband.”

One super attractive quality

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I was talking with several women recently, and we came to the realization that one of the most attractive qualities in a person is…humility.  I’m not talking about a woman who is a doormat or a woman who is timid as a mouse.  I’m talking about the quality of being more focused on how to bless others than spending time subtly drawing attention to yourself and your achievements.  I’m talking about the woman who is able to admit mistakes or shortcomings and work to improve in holiness and righteousness.  I’m talking about the woman who deflects all praise given her, and instead, directs praise to the One who is the source of any of her abilities and talents.  That kind of woman is super attractive as a friend.  That kind of woman is also super attractive to her husband!

No husband wants a self-righteous wife who subtly communicates that she is better than him.  No husband wants a wife who can’t admit mistakes and genuinely apologize.  No husband wants a wife who constantly highlights her own achievements but rarely says anything encouraging to him.  No husband wants a wife who is focused on her own desires but treats his desires as insignificant. This begs the question.  What kind of wife are you?

Consider this super instructive Bible instruction in Philippians 2:3-4 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.  And also meditate on 1 Peter 5:5 All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”

Humility.  It’s a super attractive quality.  I have begun praying every morning for God to give me a spirit of humility for that day.  Should you do the same?

**or view this topic as a 3 minute VIDEO BELOW

Love language mistakes

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Many of you are probably familiar with the 5 love languages as explained by Christian counselor and author Gary Chapman, but I’m pretty sure that many of us are making some mistakes when trying to use the “love languages”.

Before I go any further, let me explain the theory of the love languages and give a brief description of each one.  The idea is that every person has one or two prominent ways that they receive the message they are loved by the other person in the relationship.  Also, if the other person fails to communicate in your dominant “love language”, you may feel unloved. The 5 love languages are:  word of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, physical touch, and gifts.

Here’s where a lot of us make a mistake.  We tend to try to communicate love to the other person in the love language that we prefer….the particular way that makes us feel loved….even though that may not be the other person’s love language at all!  It’s a natural tendency to want to give love in the way that seems meaningful to you.  However, it may not mean much of anything to that other person if that’s not their primary love language!   The Bible tells us in Romans 12:10 Be devoted to one another in love.  But that doesn’t mean devote yourself to showing love in the way YOU want to receive it!

I had that light bolt realization the other day.  I was feeling kind of frustrated because my attempts to show love to my husband seemed to fall flat, to go unnoticed, and to be totally unappreciated.  What?  Then I stepped back and realized I was trying to show love in my love language, not his!  Duh!  I also realized that I was expending a lot of energy trying to communicate love in a way that really wasn’t important to him.  Have you been doing the same thing?  Maybe it’s time to talk with the other person about which love language is most meaningful to him and then start actually speaking that particular love language instead of your own!  It will save you time, energy, and frustration, and it will bring the message of love to him!

Your husband’s “nothing box”

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Sometimes, men are so hard to understand!  When we first see our husbands at the end of our work day, whether working away from home or inside the home, we LOVE to talk about how the day has gone.  We eagerly await our husband’s arrival so that we can share the details about the children, the crazy thing the neighbors did today, the weird stuff that happened at work, etc.  We LOVE to verbally process the day with our husbands.  But guess what?  Most men are not exactly excited about having a long conversation with their wives as soon as they walk in the door.  They long to spend some time in their “nothing box”.  Huh?

It’s hard for women to understand a man’s need for his “nothing box” because most women don’t even know what one is!  I’ve had a few men explain it to me in two different ways.  It can refer to most men’s uncanny ability to think about absolutely nothing…to completely zone out! It can also refer to a man’s need to have down time where he can veg.  Here’s the basic idea.  After a long day at work, most men need to enjoy either quiet or mindless activity in order to decompress from their day.  This means your husband probably doesn’t want to hear the fascinating details of your day as soon as he walks in the door and he probably doesn’t want to talk about his day either…at least not for a while.

So, give your husband some space when he first walks in the door.  Greet him with a smile and a kiss and then allow him some time in his “nothing box”.    You will become more beautiful to him.  God says this to wives in 1 Peter 3:3-4, “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes.  Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit…”

Let husband be your hero!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Did you know most men really like to be needed?  I know.  Sometimes it doesn’t seem like it.  Sometimes, it seems like it’s hard to get them to follow through on a task you asked them to handle.  But you know what?  Sometimes we pick inopportune times to ask.  Often we don’t have their full attention, or we mention the task along with five other things we discussed.  Remember, men don’t think the same way women do!  They usually focus on only one thing at a time.

Anyway, back to the “being needed” thing. 🙂 Surveys show most men really do want to be your hero. I believe it’s a way they feel respected, and we know that respect is so important for a man that God actually commands wives to respect their husbands in Ephesians 5:33!  

This means our men want to lift a box that is kind of heavy for us.  They want to fix the leaky faucet and impress you with their “fix-it” skills.   They want to figure out a solution to your overloaded schedule problem.  They want to be our heroes.  The problem is this.  We often try to tackle everything ourselves….or when we do ask them to help with something, we either ask at a bad time, or we throw in the request amid a whole bunch of other “talk”. 

Let’s try this week to ask for our husband’s help with something…at a convenient time, very clearly, and simply.  Then let’s show appreciation when he follows through.  I bet he will love being your hero.

Most men find this disrespectful

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

If you’re anything like me, there’s a good chance that you may sound too much like a “mother” instead of a wife when talking to your husband, at least from time to time.  I still remember the time a few years ago that I caught myself sounding like my husband’s mother.  He was heading out the door and for some reason, I felt compelled to say, “Don’t forget to eat some breakfast before you go”.   Really?  Did I need to say that?!   Did my husband really need me to point out that he should remember to feed himself?  What?  Is he 3 years old or something?  Oh brother.

When we remind our husbands about things that would be obvious to any adult, we’re actually being disrespectful.  Ouch.  It’s as if we’re telling our husbands that we don’t think they’re capable of making basic, reasonable decisions.  We sound like we’re talking to a toddler!  “Don’t forget to take a coat.”…”Be careful that you don’t hurt yourself with that hammer”…”Let me explain to you how to do _________.”

Let’s keep in mind the Bible’s instruction to wives in Ephesians 5:33, where God says “the wife must respect her husband”.  Men crave the respect of their wives just like women desire to be deeply cherished.  Don’t communicate disrespect to your husband by talking to him like he’s an ignorant or helpless child who needs a mother to guide him.

Pride can actually be good!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Normally, pride isn’t a very good thing. In fact, God tells us over and over again throughout His Word that we need to get rid of pride.  I think we’ve all heard the Bible verse “Pride goeth before a fall” (Proverbs 16:18).

But here’s the thing.  I believe God is talking about getting rid of pride in ourselves.   He doesn’t want us to be puffed up and arrogant.  God wants us to attract people to Him through our humility.   However, I don’t see any place in Scripture where God tells us to avoid telling our loved ones that we are proud of them.  That kind of “pride” isn’t arrogant.  It’s extremely encouraging to the recipient! 

In fact, telling your husband “I’m proud of you” can move your husband out of paralyzing insecurity into confident, positive action.  When you say, “You’re a good man”, or “you have a good heart”, or I’m so proud to be your wife”, you are speaking words of life to your husband.  He longs to hear those words.  It’s time we stopped focusing only on what’s wrong with our husbands, and looked for some things that we can honestly affirm.  Our men need our encouragement!

This hit home for me a couple of years ago in my marriage to my late husband Raul.  My husband took the time to tell me that he felt tremendously encouraged when I would occasionally pop into his home office and tell him I’m proud to be his wife.  That tiny little statement built him up.  It helped him press back into the challenges that awaited him.  It helped him feel like he could slay dragons.  His wife was proud of him.  She believed in him.  He had the courage and confidence to keep moving forward.  Your words are powerful!  Have you told your man that you’re proud of him lately?  Are you speaking those essential words to your husband?

Consider Proverbs 14:1  A wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands a foolish woman tears hers down.  Are you building up your husband, and thereby, building up your marriage and family?  Or are you tearing down your husband and demolishing your home?  Something to ponder!

How encouragement changes husband

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I still remember the time a few years ago when I realized how much impact a wife’s words have on her husband.  I was having a super frustrating day and I was kind of sharp with my late husband Raul.  He seemed to withdraw emotionally and within moments, he physically removed himself from the room.  Hmmm. 

Then fast forward to a different day, and I decided to purposely look for something good about my husband and to actually tell him about that “good” that I see in him.  The minute I did that, he got a little spring in his step.  His entire countenance changed.  Interestingly, he also seemed to be even more thoughtful and gentle toward me.  It was as if my encouragement and respect made him feel so much better about himself that he now felt secure enough to be kind and loving and patient with others. Wow!

This reminded me of the Lord’s instructions for us to encourage each other.  1 Thessalonians 5:11  “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.”  We need encouragement, but so do our men!  When was the last time you intentionally looked for good qualities in your husband and told him about those things?  When was the last time you took note of him taking time to play with the kids, or handling a household chore without being told, or being kind to others? 

Let’s commit to building up our guys.  They need our steady encouragement, and we’ll also benefit as they begin to feel valued and respected.