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Secret struggle of many women

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

We’re fearless at Squadron of Sisters!  We don’t shy away from tackling the big, hairy, sensitive challenges that impact marriages!! (Get your seatbelt fastened for yet another sensitive topic today!)  A few days ago, I wrote about common signs that a husband might have a serious problem with pornography, but the truth is many women also struggle with porn.  This is not just an issue for men.  If you are one of the many Christian women caught up in viewing pornography, there is hope for you to break free of the hold it has on you.

First, you need to know how important it is to break free from porn.  You probably already know that God tells us to flee sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 6:18), but there is a very practical side to this as well.  Just like men unintentionally condition themselves to only respond to masturbation as they view porn, women can have the same problem.  If you use your hand (or other sex toys) to stimulate yourself while viewing porn, you may start conditioning yourself to only respond to masturbation.  In other words, your husband may no longer be able to bring you to orgasm.

Fortunately, there are some great resources to help women who are struggling with a porn habit.  Here are some websites that may help you:

http://www.dirtygirlsministries.com

http://www.walkinginfreedom.net

http://www.porntopurity.com

How to attract husband’s heart

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

So, you’re married, but after 2 years or 22 years, the excitement and romance can easily fade, especially when children enter the picture!  How can a wife continue to capture her husband’s heart year after year?

1 Peter 3:1-4 gives us some clues.   Read verses 1 through 4 slowly.  Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

Two insights popped out at me.  How about you?  First, a husband is drawn to a wife who chooses to yield/submit to his leadership.  This is such a huge sign of respect in a man’s eyes!  And so many surveys of men reveal that they all yearn for respect.  Secondly, a wife will have unfading beauty if she interacts with her husband in a soft, gentle way.  This is also super respectful in a man’s eyes.  No man is drawn to an aggressive, argumentative, critical wife who challenges him at every turn!

And I would like to add one more insight that I’ve simply learned from experience.  Carry yourself with confidence and self-respect.  Men are repelled by a woman who is clingy and needy, and they are drawn to women who are strong and confident (and maybe even a bit playfully sassy!), and yet who allow the man to “rescue” her from time to time. 😊

A truly wise wife does this

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Most of the time, being a woman of wisdom is an excellent attribute.  You may have been blessed with the ability to make smart financial decisions or relationships decisions.  That’s awesome!

But human wisdom is not the highest goal, and it can sometimes lead us astray from God’s perfect plan in our lives.  Think of Noah, for instance.  According to human wisdom, he must have been viewed as an idiot!  Wisdom would tell him there was no need to build an ark. It was utter foolishness.  Many “wise” people of his community must have mocked him and probably shook their heads in disbelief. Some were probably aghast at his “foolishness”.  But Noah decided to go against conventional wisdom and follow the promptings of the Lord.  It’s a good thing he did!

Listen to what 1 Corinthians 2:14 says:  The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit.

What I’m trying to say is this.  Don’t put God in a box.  He often operates outside the box and colors outside the lines!  In Isaiah 55:9, God says:  “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.  I have known women who were told by wise counselors to leave their unfaithful husbands and yet, some of these women heard God tell them to stick with their marriage, and in the long run, their marriage was restored.  I, personally, have experienced God telling me and my husband to do “unwise” financial things in order to carry on full-time ministry, and yet God rewarded our obedience to his “outside of the box” instructions!

So, consult God.  Ask Him for direction when you are at a crossroads.  Get quiet before Him and ask Him to speak guidance to your spirit.  Wise counselors are fine, but God has the ultimate wisdom, and He alone can see what lies ahead.  God says this in Isaiah 48:17, “I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go.”

Don’t be so wise that you forget to consult God and follow his perfect guidance!

Bouncing back from hardship or loss

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Almost every wife will eventually encounter a tough time in her marriage.  We’re all going to experience heartbreak and challenges in our lives in general.  The question is this.  Why are some people able to bounce back from adversity relatively quickly, and why do others seem to remain stuck?

At the risk of you hating me 🙂 …I’ll be honest and let you know that I tend to be very resilient.  After an initial period of shock and grief, I’m usually able to quickly pick myself up, dust myself off and move forward.  After pondering this ability with God, allow me to share a 3-word insight that might help you become more resilient too.

I trust God.  Period. Three little words that mean everything!  I have decided to believe what the Bible says….that God is in control and that His ways are perfect.  I have decided to believe the Bible truth that God can and will bring something good out of my hardship.  This is what we learn at the end of Joseph’s painful story in Genesis, where Joseph proclaims in Genesis 50:20, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good...”   I also take heart from Romans 8:28, where God says “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

I can bounce back because I trust God and because He says He will never leave me nor forsake me.  Do you truly trust God?  It’s a decision you get to make, and it makes all the difference.

Expectations for Christian husband

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Many Christian wives have asked me what they should expect from their husbands.  In other words, what is godly behavior for a husband?  Well, let’s look at what the Bible indicates about this.

Ephesians 5 includes one of the most comprehensive sets of instructions for husbands.  It says in verses 25 through 31… “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.  For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”

Wow!  That’s a pretty high standard!  Yet God expects husbands to strive to imitate Christ’s selfless love for his bride, the church.   My late husband Raul was pretty amazing, but he still had some flaws.  My new husband Mark is an awesome man of God, yet he still has some imperfections.  I bet your husband isn’t perfect either.  However, the Christian husband should be seeking to become more like Jesus every day.  This means a husband should look out for the best interests of his wife and act in ways that indicate he cherishes her!

That being said, no Christian husband is as perfect as Jesus!  Don’t expect your husband to model Christ’s behavior every single minute of every single day.  Your husband is human, and he will make mistakes.  He will stumble in his attempt to display godly behavior each day.  So be thankful if you see him at least trying to follow and obey the Lord, even though he will fall short at times.  As believers, we should all be seeking to honor and obey the Lord each day.

This repels husbands!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Nothing will repel your husband (or boyfriend) more quickly than….you acting all self-righteous!  However, this is exactly how women act much of the time.  We don’t intend to come across as self-righteous, or “better-than”, or arrogant, or “experts” on everything, but we can definitely come across that way to our men!  Having that kind of attitude ruins relationships.  As Proverbs 13:10 (NLT) says: “Pride leads to conflict”

So let’s examine ourselves.  Do you often correct your husband, giving the impression that you know more than he does?  Do you give long-suffering sighs when he forgets to do something, giving the impression that YOU would never do such a thing?   Do you make sure you let him know he has disappointed you, while being quick to defend yourself if he says you’ve disappointed him?

Maybe it’s time we stopped acting “better-than” our men!  We are ALL a work in progress.  Let’s strive this week to display a humble spirit.  Instead of repelling your husband, your humility will draw your husband toward you.  Wouldn’t you much rather be a fragrance in your husband’s life than an odor?!

Powerful prayer starts this way

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Do you ever feel like your prayers are bouncing off the ceiling?  Do your prayers seem ineffective?  Well, could it be that you’ve fallen into a very common pattern of simply using your prayers to tell God what to do, when to do it, and how to do everything?!  Hah!  I know I’ve fallen into that pattern more times than I care to admit.

The truth is that God doesn’t need us to explain to Him what to do.  If we’re being honest, we can acknowledge that we don’t always know the best thing to do.  But Jesus does know!  So maybe we should ask Him!

Here’s a mind-blowing fact.  Jesus is actually praying (interceding) to the Father for YOU right now!  Romans 8:34 says “Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.”

Another huge truth from the Bible is that our heavenly Father answer the prayers of people who are praying in line with His will.  1 John 5:14  And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us.

Put these two truths together and it becomes clear that the key to powerful prayer is to ask Jesus how He is praying for us or the challenge we’re worried about, and then to pray in alignment with Him.  When we start prayer that way, we know we are praying according to God’s will, and God answers those prayers! 

If you’re wondering how to know what Jesus is praying, simply ask Him to tell you and then await a gentle nudge of your spirit….a quiet whisper to your heart….a word downloaded into your mind.  Jesus says this in John 10:27  My sheep hear my voice….  So ask Him how he’s praying, await his direction, and then join him in that prayer.  How powerful!!

Suffering from approval exhaustion?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

In a recent prayer time, God gently confronted me. He asked me this simple question. Are you going to be a slave to your to-do-list today, or are you going to focus on bringing me glory? Here is another way of posing the question for both you and me: Are you working tirelessly to bring yourself glory as the “perfect wife’, “perfect mother”, perfect Christian, etc, or are you releasing your day to God and asking him to show you what to do and what NOT to do in order to bring HIM glory?

Oh man! Busted. To be honest, I tend to drive myself to always do more and do it better, because I want to look good in other people’s eyes. I become exhausted and stressed in the process. The good news is that God didn’t design us to be people-pleasers. Yes, we are to love people, but our focus shouldn’t be on doing whatever they want. Our focus also shouldn’t be trying to look good in people’s eyes. The Bible reminds us in Galatians 1:10 “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God?”

I am confident that if you and I were both to release our days to God and ask Him to guide us, we would find much more peace! We would be free of performance-exhaustion. We would find freedom from approval exhaustion. Instead, we would be free to follow God’s promptings, which will lead to greater joy and peace than we’ve ever known. In fact, if you listen for God’s voice, he might even tell you to take a nap or relax while listening to praise music! God’s Word promises that those who seek to follow Him (instead of following their own agenda) will enter peace! (Isaiah 57:2 says, “For the righteous man is taken away from calamity; he enters into peace.” And Isaiah 26:3 reminds us, “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.”

The decision that saves marriages

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I was just reflecting on all the couples I’ve known over the years who faced huge challenges in their marriages, but ended up pushing through the pain and obstacles to overcome and even thrive in their marriages. Yes, some wives saw their marriage end in divorce, but many wives decided to persevere in their marriage, and they are now enjoying the fruit of that perseverance!


Here’s the truth. We will all face times of challenge in our marriages, and during those times, it’s so tempting to throw in the towel. How many of us have thought at one point in our marriage, “I never should have married him.”? Thoughts of ending the marriage can be especially enticing if you’re facing a heartbreaking challenge like a husband engaging in adultery, a harmful addiction, or even abuse.
However, I have seen many wives press through these challenges and come out victorious on the other side with a more mature husband and a much better marriage! Sometimes, it comes down to us making the simple and yet powerful decision to persevere, to endure, to push through the difficulty as you trust in God to work in your husband’s life.


Consider Paul’s message to the church in Colossians 1:9-11, “We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience.“


Is it possible God is asking you to persevere through the trial in your marriage? If he is, what should you do as you wait? Seek guidance from God’s Word, meet with a Christian counselor, and ask the Holy Spirit for guidance. Sometimes, you may sense that you are to establish serious boundaries with your husband, which might even entail temporary separation. Other times, God might ask you to lovingly encourage your husband and speak truth to him in areas where he has been believing lies of the enemy. Paul also gives us some concise advice in Romans 12:12 “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”

Battling hopelessness or melancholy

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

When we are going through a difficult season in our marriage, or faced with any challenging situation, we tend to feel so alone in our distress. We tend to feel a sort of melancholy sweep over us, which leads to a feeling of emptiness or hopelessness. It feels like no one really understands. It feels like no one really cares. However, I’ve come to realize that those “feelings” are not correct! It’s also dawned on me that the enemy of our souls is busy whispering lies to us to try to get us to align ourselves with the feeling of despair, hopelessness, and emptiness. He throws fuel on the fire by whispering “you’re all alone” and “no one understands”, and “your situation will never change”, and “no one really cares”.


We must catch ourselves when we sense hopelessness or melancholy starting to invade. At that very moment, we need to refuse to align with the lies of the enemy. Instead, we must begin actively coaching ourselves with truth from God’s Word! Mediate on these 6 powerful bits of Scripture when you’re feeling alone and battling with hopelessness, emptiness or melancholy:


Psalm 73:23-24 Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.
Psalm 40:1-2 I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
Hebrews 13:5 God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”
Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
Psalm 34:17-18 The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

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