True confession: Often, in my marriage to my late husband Raul, I found myself wanting to jump in and “fix things” for my husband. Sometimes, I did this because I feared his mood would grow ugly if I didn’t take steps to improve his circumstances. Sometimes, I did this because I feared that his ministry could stumble if he didn’t do things the “correct” way. Sometimes, I did this because I thought his relationship with our kids would suffer if I didn’t intervene. Sometimes, I did this because I feared…..
Hmmm. When it comes right down to it, fear is the common feeling behind all of the times I jumped in to act as my husband’s savior. Unfortunately, fear usually causes us to act unwisely. Proverbs 29:25 says, “Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.“
Here’s something to ponder. Every time you jump in to “fix” things for your husband, you actually prevent your man from turning to God for help. Every time you try to prevent your husband from feeling any discomfort or pain, you might be preventing him from digging down deep roots into God’s nourishment for his soul. Resist the urge to be your husband’s savior. There is only one perfect savior anyway. His name is Jesus Christ.
I don’t know if I’m normal or not (hah!), but I find that even though I want to make my relationship with Jesus and his kingdom business my top priority, alas, my attention quickly shifts to my personal comfort and happiness! If you’re a follower of Jesus, you have likely experienced the same struggle.
Of course, the devil is constantly trying to lure us off course. Jesus tells us in John 8 that Satan is the “father of lies”, so we can expect that he’s subtly whispering lies into our minds about what is the most important thing on which to focus at every moment. The Holy Spirit is saying, “Focus on things that matter in eternity”, but Satan is whispering “Focus on what will make you feel good right now. That’s what’s really important.“ Ugh.
How does this all play out in marriage? Well, the devil would love to get us to focus on how our spouse is disappointing to us, and then the devil follows that up with whispers that we need to manipulate our spouse, or control our spouse, or even trade in our spouse for a better model!
The Holy Spirit, on the other hand, is urging us to consider the more important, eternal, components of our relationship with our spouse. Even when your spouse disappoints you, the question God wants us to ask Him is this, “Lord, how do you want me to interact with my husband for his good in eternity?”. That question is such a game-changer! Suddenly, we see the bigger picture. Yes, your husband might have hurt your feelings or sinned against you, but YOU are no longer the center of the world. Now you begin to see that God has given you great responsibility to pivot from self-focus to acting in a way that could potentially impact your spouse’s walk with God into eternity. That’s huge, and this shift in perspective is clearly God’s plan for us when interacting with others! Philippians 2:3-4 “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourself. Each of you should look not only to his own interest, but also to the interest of others.”
As you ask that question of God, and strain to listen for the prompting of the Holy Spirit, you may sense Him calling you to show extravagant and unexpected grace to your husband. Maybe God will prompt you to speak words of identity to your husband and remind him how much God loves him. Conversely, maybe God will prompt you to lovingly establish boundaries with your husband. Maybe God knows this is the time for your husband to feel the weight of discipline that could end up saving his soul.
The point is: Ask God to give you a perspective shift during stressful times in marriage. Every time you’re in an emotionally-charged moment with your husband, train yourself to pause and ask this question, “Lord, how do you want me to interact with my husband for his good in eternity?”
Did you know a huge majority of men struggle with feeling inadequate on almost every level? It’s true. Since God designed men to be leaders in revealing the nature of God, it’s to be expected that Satan would try to destroy that mission by making men feel like they’re not up to that challenge! Satan is constantly whispering to your man that he is a failure, that he’s not good enough, that he’s not smart enough, and that he doesn’t have what it takes to be a godly leader, husband, father or provider. These are all lies! Jesus tells us in John 8:44 that Satan is “the father of lies“.
Unfortunately, when a husband starts believing these lies, he often decides to either give up trying to be a good husband or he may numb out by using pornography or alcohol, or by becoming a workaholic.
However, a man’s wife has the ability to counteract the voice of Satan! Ladies, why don’t you start telling your husband that you believe in him? Tell him that he CAN do it. Let him know that you see good qualities in him. Remind him about his unique talents and spiritual gifts. Show him the respect that God commands wives to display in Ephesians 5:33. As you affirm him and esteem him, you may likely find that your man becomes more confident and becomes an even better man than he is now.
Ladies, your words are so very powerful and influential in your husband’s life! Whether you realize it or not, every time you criticize your husband or correct your husband or point out flaws in your husband’s ideas, you are crushing his spirit. Every time you crush his spirit, he ends up feeling like more and more of a failure until he eventually gives up trying. I have lost track of how many husbands have told me and my husband in a counseling session “I can’t do anything right”. When a husband says this, he has pretty much conceded defeat. He no longer has the motivation to strive to be a better husband and father. He no longer even believes that’s possible,
On the other hand, ladies, a husband who is frequently affirmed and encouraged by his wife gains the courage and the motivation to do the hard work to become an even better husband and father. He can tell his wife believes in him, so he begins believing in himself as well. A wife’s kind, encouraging, affirming words can actually esteem her husband to greatness!
Ladies, in Genesis 2:18, God says, “It is not good for man to be alone: I will create a helper suitable for him.” One of the best ways you can help your man is by being his chief encourager! Resist the urge to point out his faults and failures. Choose to encourage him instead. Catch the vision of esteeming your husband to greatness! You’ll both be happier!
If you and your husband are followers of Jesus, then you are both being sculpted. The Bible says in Isaiah 64:8 “Yet you, Lord, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.” God is molding and shaping us each and every day.
God uses many tools to shape us. He sometimes allows us to make foolish decisions and then experience the natural consequences of those decisions. Hopefully, we learn something valuable from those painful lessons! But when it comes to your husband, God has another powerful tool in his tool belt…you! As a wife, you have the unique ability to encourage your man. You can choose to be the voice that points out his good qualities. When you do that, most husbands seem to grow 2 inches taller. Your words of encouragement often become a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy for your man. As you affirm his good character qualities, talents, and spiritual gifts, he feels emboldened to step into those things with more confidence and vigor.
God may even want to use you as a tool to lovingly but firmly confront your husband if he is entrenched in a pattern of sin. You know your husband better than anyone else, so you’re the one who will likely notice if he is caught in a sinful pattern. Pray and ask God if he wants you to have a loving conversation with your husband about that sin pattern. Does God want you to request your husband see a counselor, attend a 12-step group, meet with the pastor, join a men’s ministry? Does the Lord want you to draw a firm boundary with your husband, thereby putting pressure on him to do whatever it takes to get free from this sin? (Read Matthew 18:15-17 for more guidance on this)
Will you be a tool in God’s tool belt? Pray and ask the Lord to show you if and how he wants you to be a tool!
Several years ago, I asked my late husband Raul what one thing most husbands really wish their wife would understand. Here is what he said. Most men long for their wife to notice something good about them and to tell them what they see! It could be a positive character quality he displays. It could be the fact that he works hard to provide for the family. It could be a talent he has. It could be the way you notice him submitting himself to God.
According to Raul, men desperately need this validation because most men feel like a failure much of the time. In fact, my late husband described men as being a bit like dry bones in a desert, in desperate need of water. Your words can provide water for those dry bones and breathe life back into your man! Proverbs 16:24 puts it this way, “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”
Will you commit to finding something to affirm about your husband every day for the next 7 days? Will you commit to actually telling him about the good you see? He will soak up those words like a sponge, and it will bring life back into the dry bones of his spirit.
Whether we realize it or not, most husbands are actually very insecure. Many of our men have suffered deep emotional wounds in childhood. Some were teased incessantly at school. Many were physically abused by their dad or grandpa. Others were sexually abused by the neighbor man. Some were basically abandoned by one or both of their parents. The emotional wounds, though often never revealed openly, still exist.
Unintentionally, we sometimes take a knife to that open wound and rip it open a little further. When a man’s wife constantly points out his faults, the wound becomes larger. When a wife complains that he doesn’t make enough money, isn’t romantic enough, doesn’t play with the kids enough, doesn’t talk to her enough….his insecurity grows deeper. He feels like a failure once again. He feels unwanted, unappreciated. He feels like he’s just one big disappointment.
Ladies, let’s truly become our husband’s helper (Genesis 2:18) by being the one person in his life that always sees the best in him…who truly believes in him. Let’s consciously work to affirm anything and everything he does right. Think of yourself as your husband’s biggest cheerleader. He needs to know you’re on his team. This doesn’t mean you should never confront him if he’s way out of line, but even then, you can confront him lovingly and respectfully. Let’s become the soothing salve for the emotional wounds of our men!
The Appreciated Wife 