frustration

When you’re grouchy or frustrated!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

When the kids are fighting with each other, and when you overcooked the dinner, and when you shrunk your favorite new sweater…it’s pretty natural to get a bit grouchy.  In those moments, we usually need to “vent”.  Unfortunately, our husbands often get the brunt of our “venting”!  In fact, the men whom we promised to love and respect can become our scapegoats.  The tragically funny thing is then we wonder why our husbands don’t seem to enjoy being around us very much!

One husband once told me that encountering his wife as he walked in the door at the end of his work day was like walking into a buzz saw.  She was wired and churning and her tongue was sharp enough to slice right through him.  Yikes.

Yes, ladies, we all need to vent sometimes.  Some days are incredibly challenging.  But let’s pick the correct scapegoat.  If we need to talk to someone about our stress, anger, or exhaustion, let’s turn to God.  He has really broad shoulders and he’s not afraid to hear what’s on your mind.  Psalm 40:1-2 says “I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.”  Jesus is the correct scapegoat.  In fact, if you study the origin of the word “scapegoat”, it was the term used by the Israelites for a goat that symbolically carried their sins away.  Wow!  Jesus really is our scapegoat, and he perfectly carries our sins away, as well as our anger and frustration on a really bad day.

So when you can tell you’re grouchy, and you can feel the frustration mounting and you can tell you’re about to snap at a family member, talk to God about your irritation and frustration.  Ask Him to draw close to you.  Ask Him to tackle the thing that is frustrating you.  Just picture handing it over to Him.  Then take a deep breath, relax your shoulders, and chuckle at the enemy’s pitiful attempt to make you lose your temper!  Hah!  His stupid plan is defeated once again. You are victorious through Christ!

The art of the pause…when upset!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

When we feel angered, or disappointed, or frustrated with our husband, it’s so natural to immediately give in to our emotions and let our husband know exactly what a failure he is!  We feel entitled to unleash our fury and it actually feels kind of cathartic for a moment.  It lets the pent-up steam out of our bodies. Whew!

However, the damage we cause to that person in the process of our “venting” can have the opposite effect of what we desired.  We were hoping the person would immediately grasp how wrong they’ve been, quickly apologize, cheerfully repair the damage they’ve done and humbly seek to win back our trust and respect.  Unfortunately, when we give full vent to our anger and disappointment, without waiting on God’s timing, we can crush that other person with condemning words spoken in the heat of the moment.  In response to our anger and harsh words, that other person usually becomes defensive and lashes back at us…or withdraws from us and goes off to self-medicate in an unhealthy way.  Neither option is good!

It’s so much better for us to pause before venting our anger!  During that pause, you might have to leave the room to spend a moment with God, but it’s so worth it!  Ask God to show you when to speak to your husband, what exact words to use, and how to offer encouragement and hope…even if you’re asking for him to change his behavior.

Here are 4 Bible verses that might be worth printing out for yourself.  They remind us to be patient, to wait for the Lord’s guidance and to do what HE says you should do instead of reacting impulsively!

Romans 12:12 Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.  6 Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.

Psalm 27:14 Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.

Psalm 32:8 The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.     I will advise you and watch over you.”

Huge mistake wives make when upset

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

All wives are going to be disappointed or frustrated with their husbands from time to time.  That’s normal.  It’s how a wife voices her disappointment or anger that can become the problem. 

I had a front row seat for this the other day.  A wife had allowed a multitude of disappointments to stack up and when she could contain the building lava dome inside her no longer, she blew her top and spewed out ALL her grievances at once.  It was too much for her husband to take in at the same time, and I watched him shut down and withdraw emotionally.

The lesson became clear to me.  Pick your battles wisely.  No one, especially a man, wants to hear a long list of grievances and frustrations all at once.  It’s too much to handle!  He will likely either shut down or push back aggressively.  Neither is a good option! 

The wise and appreciated wife decides to stick to one issue at a time.  She lets some of the little frustrations go.  She is patient as she works through major issues, one at a time. 

These 2 Bible verses could be instructive for all of us wives.  Proverbs 10:19 Too much talk leads to sin.  Be sensible and keep your mouth shut.  Proverbs 25:15 With patience a ruler can be persuaded.

Are you catastrophizing in marriage?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Have you ever heard the word catastrophizing?  It happens when a person fixates on the worst possible outcome and treats it as likely, even when it is not.  Unfortunately, this often happens between a husband and a wife!  Have you fallen into this dysfunctional and destructive trap yourself?

See if any of these patterns sound familiar.  Do you often believe the worst about your husband’s intentions and motivations? Do you tend to take one failure or disappointment regarding your husband and then blow that up into a sweeping condemnation of him altogether?  Do you tend to make negative assumptions about him?  Do you fixate on your husband’s shortcomings or the ways he fails to meet your every desire?   Do you believe he will let you down or disappoint you before he’s actually done so?!  Then you have likely fallen prey to the common trap of “catastrophizing”!  And you’re not alone.  I, too, have fallen into this unhealthy way of thinking far too frequently.

Here’s the remedy for catastrophizing.  The minute you find yourself going down that line of negative, fear-based, hopeless path of thinking about your husband, immediately catch yourself, and hit reverse!  In that moment, switch gears and start mentally tallying the good qualities of your husband.  It’s amazing how your feelings toward your husband will instantaneously change as you start focusing on the positive qualities he has (or even the bad things he does NOT do).  This is the essence of God’s instruction to us in Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

4 things to do if he disappoints you

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Every wife is going to have moments (or weeks or months!) that she’s disappointed with her husband.  No man is perfect, and your husband is bound to frustrate you, annoy you, or fail to meet your expectations from time to time.  The question is:  How can you keep from being seriously discouraged or resentful during those times?  I have found 4 things to be really helpful:

1) Clearly communicate your expectations and desires!  Men are not mind-readers, yet often wives expect their husbands to “just know”!  So, think about the areas in which you’ve been frustrated or disappointed. Then calmly and clearly tell your husband what you desire or need, as well as how much you’d appreciate him making an effort to meet those needs and desires.

2) Be grateful for what he does right!  Isn’t it strange how most wives tend to gravitate to focusing on what their husband is doing wrong, but barely give a second thought to what he’s doing right?!  Stop right now and ask God to help you see the many good things about your husband and the positive things he does.  This is the essence of Philippians 4:8… “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such thing.”

3) If your husband is actually sinning against you, it’s time to stop wringing your hands and it may be time to take action!  In Matthew 18:15-17, Jesus instructs us to confront the person who sins against us, and to even get others involved if necessary.

4) Pray, and never give up!  Prayer truly can move mountains, and Jesus tells us in Luke 18:1 that we “should always pray and not give up“.  So go to battle in prayer, and ask God to reveal His love to your husband and to mold and shape your husband’s heart.

How your mood affects your husband

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I realized the most interesting thing one day several years ago in my marriage!  I was having one of those super frustrating days, where everything seemed to be going wrong.  It was the kind of frustrating day where you desperately want the cathartic release of smashing china dishes against the wall!  Am I the only one who has ever felt that way?  🙂

Anyway, my husband walked into the house to discover a wife who was steaming from everything that had gone wrong that day.  Then something strange happened.  He got visibly agitated over my state of frustration.  It really bothered him that I was upset. My bad mood became contagious!!  He could not be at peace because I was not at peace. It reminded me that our husbands really do want their wives to be content and at peace.  In fact, 1 Peter 3 tells wives to strive for the “unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit”.   Hmmm.  Interesting.  So, how do we get this peacefulness, even in frustrating circumstances?  The Bible tells us contentment comes when we trust in God, lean into God, and ask for His power to carry us!  Philippians 4:13 says ” I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” 

So, I began refusing to allow the frustrating moments of life to sour my mood.  I began laughing off Satan’s attempts to goad me into being irritable and sharp with everyone around me.  I pivoted to God in those challenging moments and asked Him to strengthen me, equip me, and give me His peace.  Interestingly, when I started choosing to trust God to carry me during those frustrating moments in life, not only did I become peaceful and content, but I enjoyed the unexpected benefit of my husband and those around me becoming more peaceful too!

Handling irritation with your husband!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Are there some little things your husband does that drive you nuts?  You’re not alone!  I was talking about conflict resolution with a group of wives recently and we started sharing some of the little things our husbands do that irritate us.  We laughed and laughed because some of the things that were really getting under our skin are actually just plain funny when you pause to think about them.  One wife shared her frustration with dirty socks taken off and left at the front door.  Another wife shared her irritation with her husband about his habit of folding sopping wet towels instead of hanging them to dry. 

As we vented our frustration, two things became clear.  First, none of these annoying little things actually matter!  They are not sinful behaviors at all. They’re just irritating (and possibly a little weird. Lol). Secondly, if we were to continue complaining about these things to our husbands, they would likely view that as nagging, which is pretty unattractive to most husbands!  Proverbs 21:19 puts it this way, “Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.”  Ouch!

Maybe it’s time for you to choose to chuckle about some of the frustrating and irritating little things your husband does instead of complaining and criticizing.  Both you and your husband will probably be happier!

Expectations in marriage

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

We ALL bring expectations into our relationships.  Much of the time, our expectations are somewhat subconscious and subtle.  We don’t spend a lot of time pondering whether our expectations are realistic or correct.  However, we often do spend a lot of time being disappointed or frustrated with the other person for failing to meet our expectations or for causing us misery similar to painful relationships we had in childhood.  It’s time we adjusted our expectations, especially when it comes to marriage!  There are two different ways we may need to adjust our expectations.  If one way doesn’t apply to you, I bet the other one will.

First, many of us subconsciously expect our husbands to be pretty much perfect.  We wouldn’t say that out loud because it sounds rather ridiculous, but nonetheless, we find ourselves sinking into despair if our husband isn’t empathetic enough, or romantic enough, or providing enough.  We become super frustrated if he wrestles with an addiction, doesn’t play with the kids enough, or doesn’t seem to shoulder his share of the responsibilities in taking care of the home.  News flash: Your husband isn’t Jesus!  He can’t be perfect in every way because he’s human! There is only one person who can perfectly meet all your needs, and that person is Jesus. Philippians 4:19 And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.  So look to Jesus as your main source of love and security, and let your husband off the hook.  Be thankful for the good qualities your husband does have and cut him a little slack in the areas where he is less than perfect.

However, for some of you, your dysfunctional childhood led you to expect that men would always treat a woman poorly.  You experienced an abusive environment in your family of origin, so it seems somewhat normal for you to endure abuse from your husband.  Change your expectations!!  It is not okay or normal for a husband to engage in a pattern of verbal, mental, spiritual, or emotional abuse of his wife.  It is never okay for a man to physically harm his wife.  If you are experiencing such abuse, I urge you to seek help immediately.  I urge you to separate yourself from your husband, at least temporarily, while asking him to get serious help for his anger problem.  As I was contemplating Bible guidance for a woman in an abusive relationship, a principle came to mind from 1 Corinthians 7.  Paul was writing to slaves (who were in an oppressive and sometimes abusive situation), and he said this in verse 21, “if you can gain your freedom, do so.”   Do not expect or tolerate abuse in your situation.  It may be necessary for you to gain freedom from abuse through a legal separation.

Collateral damage to your family!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I can get pretty grumpy when events become challenging in my day.  When the internet goes down while I’m trying to work on my computer, I get super frustrated.  When I accidentally drop a whole box of uncooked spaghetti on the floor, I get grouchy.   When I get an unanticipated bill in the mail, I get really irritated.  Unfortunately, when that happened in the past, if my husband happened to walk by at that particular moment, I inflicted collateral damage!  Collateral damage is a military term where civilians, who were minding their own business, are injured unintentionally by a military strike.  Hmmm.  Yes, my husband sometimes ended up being that innocent civilian who was injured by the bullets coming from my mouth and the darts shooting from my eyes during moments of irritability!  To be honest, this happens to often!  Ugh!

How can you prevent this collateral damage?  Here are two possible remedies: 

1)  Pause before you react!  Before a word comes out of your mouth, pause.  During this pause, remember who your enemy is.  Your enemy is NOT your husband…or your children.  Your enemy is Satan and he is TRYING to provoke you!  1 Peter 5:8-9 says “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  Resist him, standing firm in the faith…”  

2)  Claim two specific Bible promises and pray that God would fulfill those promises for you in this moment…Isaiah 54:17 “No weapon forged against me will prevail” and Romans 8:28 “we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose“. 

Become an unoffendable woman!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Here’s a small but potent tip for improving all your relationships.  This tip will also improve your countenance!  Instead of being a sour-faced, bitter-looking woman, your face will exude peace, contentment, and calm.

Here’s the tip, and it’s actually straight from the Bible.  Stop being so easily offended!  Proverbs 19:11 in the NIV says, “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.”  The NLT translation puts it this way, “Sensible people control their temper; they earn respect by overlooking wrongs.”

This theme of overlooking offenses is repeated in the New Testament. 1 Peter 4:8 (amplified translation) says, “Above all, have fervent and unfailing love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins [it overlooks unkindness and unselfishly seeks the best for others].”

Think about it for a minute.  Do you take offense too quickly?  I’m not saying that you should willingly put yourself in situations where you are likely to be abused (verbally or in any way), but God instructs us over and over again to refrain from being easily offended and to keep no record of wrongs does against us.  In the Bible’s famous definition of love, found in 1 Corinthians 13, verse 4 says: It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured.

What is God highlighting to you in these Scriptures?  I know He is using these passages to convict me.  He’s showing me that I will have greater peace in relationships if I stop allowing myself to become offended when people don’t treat me exactly how I think they should.  He’s showing me that I will have greater peace in my soul when I stop dwelling on perceived offenses and focus on loving Him and loving others well. What’s He showing you?