fix

Do this for better relationships!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I still remember the time about 10 years ago when a woman who had been attending our women’s ministry for years told me, “After all these years to listening to God’s instructions, I finally realized I should actually apply them!”  She started working to apply the Bible’s instructions on relationships and reported back to me that she began seeing amazing results!

This is what I mean when I say “Be a doer in relationships”.  The concept of “doing” comes from James 1:22 where the Bible gives this succinct but powerful instruction:  Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.  Duh!  Reading the Bible or hearing great preaching isn’t meant to just go in one ear and our the other!  God intends for us to apply what He is showing us!  He created human beings, so He knows best what leads to healthy, strong, loving relationships.

I can pretty much guarantee you that if you and I were to actually seek to apply what the Bible instructs us to do in relationships, we would see relationships healed and improved!  One of the most instructive sections of scripture on relationships is found in Colossians 3:12-13 (amplified translation) So, as God’s own chosen people, who are holy [set apart, sanctified for His purpose] and well-beloved [by God Himself], put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience [which has the power to endure whatever injustice or unpleasantness comes, with good temper]; 13 bearing graciously with one another, and willingly forgiving each other if one has a cause for complaint against another; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so should you forgive.

Let’s all seek to actually follow these instructions.  Be a “doer” of God’s instructions, and get ready for some amazing results!

One person can change a marriage

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Each weekday, I offer a devotional intended to help wives. Yet, I have a funny feeling that some of you might be questioning why I’m always urging wives to change their behavior, look for ways to bless their husbands, and be more selfless in their marriage.  I can almost hear you asking, “What about him? Am I the only one who’s supposed to work on this marriage?”

Well, here’s a news flash for all of us.  We can’t change our husbands!  Only God can change a man’s heart.  We can establish boundaries.  We can encourage our men and offer wise counsel to them.  We can pray for God to transform them, but at the end of the day, we can’t control them.  We can only control us!  However, by changing the way we interact with our men, we can dramatically and positively impact them.  It’s the amazing power of one person to make a difference!

So, let’s all commit to working on ourselves.  Let’s look for ways to encourage our men, help our men, respect our men, and serve our men.  If your husband is engaged in a pattern of sin against you or your kids, pray every single day for God to break him free!  Commit to respectfully and lovingly setting boundaries on that behavior.  As you continue doing this week after week and month after month, I bet you’ll see a change in your husband and an improvement in your relationship. 

Don’t give up. Don’t be pessimistic.  Press on.  Meditate on this wonderful promise found in Galatians 6:9 “And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.”

How to repair fractured marriage

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Dog-gone it.  Sometimes marriage is so hard.  Sometimes, the imperfections of our spouse end up hurting us…deeply.  Your husband may have wounded you with an anger problem.  He may have cheated on you with porn or a real-life woman.  He may have spent more time with his hobbies than he did with you and the kids, and that really hurt.  Hopefully, he’s no longer doing those things.

However, even if he has made some positive changes, the wounding can be so severe that your heart might feel a little like a cracked egg. It’s kind of like Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall and went splat!  Even if your husband repents, how can your heart be put back together again?

Here are two thoughts that may help.  First, ask God to give you the same kind of compassion for your husband that God extends to us when we mess up.  You might want to meditate on Colossians 3:12-14 which says, “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” 

Second, use this moment to examine your own actions and see if there is something God wants you to learn.  During some of the times in my life when I was most hurt by others, God gently showed me ways I contributed to the mess.  Have you been reacting to your husband’s behavior in disrespectful ways?  Have you avoided conflict and let resentment become toxic?  You and I probably both have some things we should learn.  Let’s commit to being humble and teachable.

Moving forward after betrayal

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Betrayal in marriage can come in many different forms. Sometimes, it’s a deep emotional affair. Other times, it’s a highly inappropriate online relationship. Of course, betrayal can also mean an actual physical affair. Any way you slice it, the cut is deep to the spouse who has been betrayed. If you have been betrayed by your husband, your heart is broken and trust has been blown to smithereens by the lies and deceit that surround betrayal. It will take time for you to heal and for trust to be restored.


If your husband is unrepentant and defiantly continues on with the affair/inappropriate relationship, then you will need to consult God and godly counselors as to whether you should consider divorce or whether you should set firm boundaries and wait for God to do a mighty transforming work in your husband’s life.

However, if your husband is indeed repentant, then you have a different kind of decision to make. You will need to give yourself some time to grieve, and you will need to tell your husband what he needs to do in order to regain your trust. Those things are a given. But, at some point, you also have to make the decision to let go of the hurt and resentment and move forward in building a new and healthier marriage with your husband. You MUST choose to let go of the resentment and pain after several months of grieving. If you do not, and you keep throwing his past sin in his face, you will slowly beat down your husband to the point that he simply gives up. You will also become a sour-faced woman who no one wants to be around!


It’s easy to let your emotions guide your behavior, but that rarely ends well. Resentment and bitterness act like a poison! You must CHOOSE to let go of bitterness. Hebrews 12:15 puts it this way: “Let no bitter root grow up among you to cause trouble and defile many.” Yes, you need to allow yourself time to grieve your pain with God and some godly girlfriends, and yes, you need to tell your husband how to regain your trust. But then, you need to stop dwelling on the past! Isaiah 43:18-19: “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing. Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?”

**or view this topic as 3 minute VIDEO BELOW

Course-correcting your relationships

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

If you’re a follower of Jesus, you can expect that God is constantly transforming you to be more like his son Jesus. His Holy Spirit is gently but consistently convicting us of both known sins and subtle sin patterns in our lives, and he’s urging us to turn from those patterns. He’s urging us to choose to be more Christ-like. 2 Corinthians 3:18 And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory For me, he’s been slowly and gently convicting me and transforming me in the area of subtle self-focus. And I know I’m not alone in this pattern!!


We ALL tend to be subtly self-centered in our relationships. We want and expect others to make us happy, do things our way, commend our wonderful deeds, make us feel valuable, always treat us fairly, make us feel loved, and on and on. However, as we become more mature Christ-followers, God is urging us to be Christ-like in our relationships. He’s asking us to do what’s best for others instead of focusing on how others should treat us better! Take a moment to really absorb what God is saying to us in Philippians 2:3-7 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. 5 In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: 6 Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; 7 rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant…


What does this look like in your relationships? How is God asking you to course-correct? It might mean actually confronting a loved one caught in sin and discontinuing a conflict-avoider pattern where you’ve made it easy for that person to stay stuck in a destructive sin. It may mean choosing to reflect Christ around your rude boss by being kind and humble no matter how he treats you. It may mean using a respectful tone with your husband even when he has disappointed you.
Reflecting Christ in every relationship is challenging for sure, but the eternal rewards are worth it, AND, you may very well find when you get to heaven one day that your Christ-like interactions with others impacted people so much that they became true followers of Jesus as well!

Avoid common causes of divorce

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Recently, I was reading a bunch of different articles about the common causes for divorce, and I noticed 3 causes that seemed to appear the most frequently in each of these articles. They are: financial problems/fights, lack of sexual and emotional intimacy, and poor communication. Obviously, you would do well to be aware of these common traps so that you don’t end up in divorce court! Also, since God designed marriage, it makes sense that His Word would have guidance to help us avoid falling into these 3 common causes of divorce.
As I was considering each of these 3 areas, something really interesting occurred to me. Failing to value the other person’s needs and desires is central to all 3 of these common causes of divorce! I will explain in a moment, but first, here is the key section of Scripture for you to apply. Romans 12:10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.
Financial problems/fights: Usually, these fights occur because most women highly value financial security and most men are prone to be a little more “adventurous” when it comes to spending money. So, the key here is to sit down with your husband and ask him to listen to and be considerate of your financial need for security, and then for you to be willing to take into consideration his desires regarding money. Then, work toward a compromise that represents some of the values of you both!
Lack of sexual and emotional intimacy: Often this happens in a relationship when we allow other things or other people to take precedence over the relationship with our spouse. We treat our spouse and their needs, physical and emotional, as less important than other things. It also happens when we allow a misunderstanding or disappointment with our spouse to fester and turn into toxic resentment which in turn leads to us putting up a “wall” with our spouse. The key here is sit down with your spouse and determine to work all the way through any past misunderstandings and resentments. Ask for forgiveness and give forgiveness. Also, decide together to actively pursue physical and emotional intimacy by placing a high priority on those connections in your marriage.
Poor communication: This often occurs because both the husband and the wife mistakenly believe the other one understands the way they think and their unspoken needs and desires! We tend to think the other gender thinks like us, but they don’t! The remedy here is to sit down, once again, and intentionally discuss many areas where you have had miscommunications in the past. Clearly explain your needs and desires. Ask your husband to clearly explain his needs and desires. Agree to have direct communication instead of expecting the other person to “just know”!

Odd tip for a great marriage!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I’m going to give you the oddest, most counter-intuitive tip for your marriage. You’re not going to want to hear this tip, let alone do it! However, I urge you to give it a chance; maybe even do an experiment and try it for a few weeks straight. I learned in my marriage to Raul that this tip was powerful and transformative, and it drew my husband’s heart to me. Here is the tip, and it is a Biblical principle: Die to self. I know. I told you it was counter-intuitive! In short, this principle could be summed up like this: It isn’t all about me!
• Luke 9:23 And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.”
• 1 Corinthians 10:24 No one should seek their own good, but the good of others.
• Philippians 2:3-4 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.
Here’s what I know. When I focus on myself, and what I want, and what I think I need, and how the people in my life aren’t making me happy or perfectly meeting my needs….I grow depressed and resentful. I become an irritable, sour-faced woman! No one, including a husband, wants to be around that!! But, if I focus on serving God, responding to his prompts on loving and serving others….I feel fulfilled and joyful. In marriage, if you focus on being a blessing to your husband, his heart is drawn to you and your heart, believe it or not, is drawn to him. The marriage grows stronger! By the way, being a blessing to your husband can mean many things. It can mean being kind even though he’s in a bad mood from a stressful day…or getting up early to make him a great breakfast even though you’re headed off to work too…or lovingly and respectfully asking him to seek help if he has a personal problem that is spiraling out of control.
Try it for a few weeks. Ask God every morning to help you die to self-centeredness and ask Him for direction on how to be a blessing to your husband this day. Let me know how it goes!

This could change your marriage

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I wonder what would happen if you asked God to transform your character into His character and then you actually began striving to display His character in your marriage?  I bet your marriage would begin to thrive!

God describes His own character in Psalm 103:8, where the Bible says “The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.”   Even just pressing into one of those 4 qualities could make a huge impact in your marriage.  What if you started displaying grace toward your man?  Grace simply means giving someone undeserved favor and loving kindness.

I’m not saying you should ignore destructive patterns of sin in your husband’s life.  However, I am recommending that you work to extend kindness to your husband even when they’ve annoyed you or disappointed you in small ways.  In fact, what if you were to extend grace by choosing to believe that he didn’t mean to disappoint you?  What if you were to give him the benefit of the doubt?  Extending that kind of grace could change your whole attitude toward your husband…and could draw his heart toward you!

Perhaps, we could sum it up this way. The appreciated wife leaves a fragrance, not an odor!

Learn to trust God with your concerns

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Are you weary of trying to get your husband to do the things you want him to do?  Are you tired of trying to handle everything?  Are you getting discouraged that God doesn’t seem to be changing your husband or your kids as you have asked him to do?

Maybe it’s time to stop pushing your agenda! Perhaps it’s time to stop trying to control everything.  🙂  Maybe it’s time to trust God.  This means, even the way we pray might need to change.  Of course, we should always pray for our family members, but maybe it’s time to stop telling God what to do!  Maybe God is asking you to give your concerns to him and to simply trust him to do what is best in the lives of your husband and children…and on his timeline.

Consider Isaiah 30:15….This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength…”

This week, would you consider simply lifting the names of your loved ones to our heavenly Father and then asking Him to work deeply in their lives in the way He knows is best?  Then relax and choose to trust God.  He is all powerful and all loving. He is able to do the heavy-lifting where you are unable!  You can trust Him.  Pray, and then relax, rest, and trust.

Is selfishness impacting your marriage?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Selfishness. It’s such an unattractive character quality, right?! I’ve always thought most men are pretty selfish, and perhaps many are.  However, God’s been convicting me of my own selfishness! Ugh. It can be a very subtle thing for women.  In fact, selfishness is often found in a woman’s thought-life.  She may think things like this:  My husband should be more romantic toward me. How can I convince my husband that my way is right?  My husband isn’t really making me happy anymore.  I married him because he’s supposed to make me happy!  And the thoughts go on and on. 

I’m becoming convicted neither wives nor husbands will find much joy in marriage when we only look out for what we want and what we think will make us “happy”.  Actually, true joy comes from serving others and thinking of how we can bless them.  It is so counter-intuitive!  However, it is also so Biblical.  Philippians 2:3-4 says “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourself.  Each of you should look not only to his own interests but also to the interests of others.”  Maybe you should try to look at life from your husband’s perspective this week and really try to understand his point of view during disagreements. Maybe you could intentionally build him up each day and voice your appreciation for big and small things he does.  How could you bless him this week?

P.S. I know some of you are thinking, “Why should I be the only one doing this? What about my husband?”  Well, how about if you clean up your side of the street first?  I have a strong hunch that your entire marriage will improve and your husband’s heart will be drawn to you.  Are you willing to give it a try?