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Fulfilling your need for empathy

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I have had some deep conversations with several women recently, and I walked away from those talks with spirits lifted. In fact, my heart seemed lighter and my path ahead seemed clearer.  Even though I have had some pretty good talks with my husband, it was so delightful to have an extended chat with some females.  Talking with women filled a definite need for empathy.  It also really helped me to more clearly process some things going on in my life as I verbalized what was happening and how I felt about those events in my life.  These women were good listeners. They were able to handle my long and detailed account. They were able to empathize with my feelings.  I’m so glad I have friendships with women, and not just with a man.

How about you?  Do you have at least 2 deep friendships with other God-believing women? Do you have at least 2 women in your life who encourage you, empathize with you, or make you laugh?  We NEED each other!  A husband cannot possibly meet all your relational needs.  Men aren’t wired the same as women.  In case you haven’t noticed, most women need to talk about all the things happening in their lives, and we need listeners who will empathize with us!  Most men are not wired to listen to a lengthy discussion, and they generally aren’t wired to express a lot of empathy either.  But a good female friend can fill that void for you, and you can do the same for her.  We need another woman to speak sweet words of empathy and encouragement in a way that most men just don’t understand.  Proverbs 16:24 reminds us, “Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.”

So, be intentional about making some solid female friendships.  Invite a woman from church or work to coffee.  Be a good listener yourself.  Ask her to tell you about herself, her children, her challenges, her successes, her spiritual giftings, her hobbies.  Be a good listener.  You’ll be on your way to developing a good friendship.

Dating guide for Christian women

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I never thought I would be dating again late in life, but when my beloved husband Raul passed away in November of 2021, I sensed that God was saying he would provide another husband as my life partner for the rest of my years.  So I began that crazy, sometimes frustrating, journey of dating!

I began applying some of the dating insights I had gleaned over my many years here on this earth along with guiding Bible principles.  So, I want to pass on some of that to you in this short little devotional.

First, God makes it clear that a Christian should not be linked in close partnership with an unbeliever.  2 Corinthians 6:14  Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness?  This is critical!  If you end up marrying an unbeliever, Satan has total entry to wreak havoc in your marriage!  You two will not be pulling the same direction.  Also, without the Bible as a moral compass, your husband will have no constraints on immoral or disrespectful behavior, and that can definitely lead to heartbreak for you.

Next, keep in mind that a lot of guys might SAY they are a Christian, and they might even attend church, but that does NOT mean they are a true follower of Jesus.  You need to look for evidence of Christ’s presence in their life.  Do they show any fruit of the spirit?  Galatians 5:22-23  the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, and self-control.

And here’s one other huge tip.  Stay sexually pure while dating. Save sex until your marriage.  This is clearly God’s will, and when we obey God, he blesses us.  I don’t know about you but I want to have God’s blessing!!  Here are 4 quick little tips to avoid falling into sexual sin while dating:

  1. Don’t get horizontal!
  2. Don’t stay overnight at each other’s homes even if you have good intentions to sleep on the couch.
  3. Don’t stay together after midnight because that’s usually when temptation creeps in.
  4. Resist the urge to French kiss before marriage. I know it’s tempting, but it’s also super arousing and may lead to where you vowed not to go until marriage!

If you’re facing something daunting

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

If we could all truly embrace the Biblical principle of taking just one day at a time, we would all be better off!  Yes, this is a Bible principle.  Jesus says in Matthew 6:34: “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”  In other words, instead of worrying and fretting about the “what if…” questions, Jesus tells us to just focus on doing what we should do today. 

How does this apply to you?  If it seems overwhelming to you to put your marriage back together after betrayal, just choose to move forward, one day at a time.  If you tend to avoid confronting your husband or establishing boundaries on wrong behavior because you fear the possibility of future tension, trust in Jesus and move forward, one day at a time.  If it seems daunting to take off the 50 pounds you’ve gained in recent years, don’t think about how hard this is going to be for the rest of your life. Just choose to eat healthy today and take it one day at a time.

Worrying about the future is pointless.  Being consumed by the “what if…” questions will only keep you trapped in fear.  Let’s do what Jesus says.  Let’s decide each morning to do what we know we should do that day, and let’s trust God to handle tomorrow.

Bible help if your heart is burdened

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Are you having one of those weeks or months?  Has your husband broken your heart?  Are you an emotional wreck over a situation with one of your children?  Don’t try to carry that burden alone!  It’s too heavy.

Even though it would be so helpful to reach out to some godly female friends, many of us tend to isolate during really hard times instead.  Unfortunately, that only makes it easier for Satan to beat you down.  With no other voices speaking hope into your life, he has free realm to whisper one lie right after another. 

Jesus describes Satan this way in John 8:44: “He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.”  The lies may sound like this:  No one really loves you.  Your life sucks and there’s no hope.  You should have never married your husband.  God doesn’t really care about you. You’re a failure as a mom compared to all the other moms. There is no way in the world to recover from your financial mess.  God could never change your husband’s heart.  Blah, blah, blah.

One of the keys to drowning out the voice of the enemy is to listen to other voices!  Spend time reading God’s Word.  Also, spend time with godly women who can speak truth, wisdom, and hope into your life.  If you don’t know any women like that, then it’s time to start building new friendships.  I know you might be scared to tell another woman what’s really going on in your marriage and family.  However, you might be surprised to find that other women will start opening up to you and sharing their own challenges as you begin sharing yours. Just keep in mind that the point is to encourage each other and pray for each other…not to trash talk your husbands!

Key to finding joy during hardship

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I know this might sound too simple.  I know you could be rolling your eyes as you read this. But give this a chance.  A huge key to regaining some of your joy during challenges or after a heartbreaking event is…to focus on the things for which you can be thankful.

All of us tend to focus on what we don’t have instead of what we do have.  By doing so, we become bitter, jealous, and depressed women.  Now if you actually enjoy being bitter and depressed, you just go right on concentrating on what’s wrong in your life.  However, there is a better way to live.  God recommends it in the Bible.  It’s called being thankful for what you do have.  1 Thessalonians 5:18 tells us to “give thanks in all circumstances“.  This means disciplining your mind to focus on what is good and right and beautiful. God puts it this way in Philippians 4:8 “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

Do you have shelter and plenty of food to eat each day?  Wow! You’re in the top 10% of the entire world!  Do you have someone in your life (husband, mother, friend, child) who loves you?  Wonderful!  Do your legs and hands work?  Can you see, hear, and taste?  Thank God for the health that not everyone enjoys.  Has God made himself known to you and drawn your heart to Him?  Awesome!  That means He thinks you’re special and He decided before the beginning of the world to select you to adopt as His child!

Yes, there is a time to grieve losses in our lives.  But we can’t stay camped out there!  Let’s make a concerted effort to focus our minds on being thankful.  Little by little, you may find your joy returning, even during hard times.

Don’t fall for counterfeit comfort

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

All wives inevitably hit a rough patch or two in their marriage.  In fact, there will likely be moments when you think “Why did I even marry this man?!”  He may break a little piece of your heart when he forgets your anniversary, or is overly harsh with the kids, or develops a habit of satisfying himself while viewing pornography instead of making love to you.  At these moments, you need comfort for your broken heart.

It’s our tendency to reach for something easy and tangible as a source of comfort.  You might try to find some joy in buying lots of new clothes. You and I might turn to excessive food.  But neither one of those choices truly comforts us.  They actually lead to additional grief in the long run!  Instead, we need to train ourselves to run to God at those heart-breaking moments.  He is waiting with open arms.  Plus, Jesus knows what it feels like to suffer grief, betrayal, and a broken heart.

I love these two verses of comfort.  Psalm 103:2-4 “Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits; who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion”.  And Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit”.  Meditate on those 2 verses and ask God to come close to you.  He will, and I believe you will experience the warmth of his love! 

One additional tip:  I’ve found it especially helpful to find a quiet place of solitude (no cell phone, no noise!) where I can just sit with the Lord in stillness for 5 or 10 minutes, letting his peace and comfort wash over me.

How to get unstuck & move forward

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Do you feel stuck in some area of your life?  Perhaps you feel stuck in dysfunctional patterns, or stuck in paralyzing insecurity, or stuck in resentment, or stuck in grief.  Maybe you just can’t get past trauma you experienced years ago.  You want to move forward and gain hope, but you just don’t know how to get there.

I’ve been there!  I experienced years of sexual abuse and trauma as a child.  I know the heartbreak of divorce after 18 years of marriage. I know the grief of losing a much-loved second husband to covid.  I understand staying stuck in dysfunctional patterns and insecurity.  However, I’m no longer stuck there.  God has set me free! 

My freedom began as God continued to whisper the word “pivot” to my soul.  Every time I would revisit painful memories and insecurities, I would hear God gently nudging me to leave the past behind and move forward with hope as I held tightly to His hand.  He walked me out of darkness and into light every single time.  All praise to our loving Savior!  A key verse God highlighted for me is Isaiah 43:18-19  “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?”

I long to share what God taught me so that you can also break free.  That’s why I just published my first book called “Pivot”.  I urge you to check it out.  You can find it on Amazon by simply typing “Debbie Chavez” into the search.  This is not some kind of get-rich scheme.  50% of the proceeds will go directly to the Squadron of Sisters ministry.  I simply long for you to gain the same freedom, hope and joy that God has given me.  Amen!

Do you have an encourager?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Life often seems like a winding highway full of potholes.  We get bounced around by people who disappoint us.  We disappoint ourselves.  Satan loves to plant that seed of doubt about whether we can make it through current challenges in our marriage, with our kids, at our job, etc.  We wonder if we can handle what’s around the bend.

That’s why we need encouragers in our lives!  1 Thessalonians 5:11 says “encourage one another and build each other up.”  My question for you is:  Do you have a friend who encourages you?  Or do you spend a lot of time with women who are negative, critical, and “downers”? 

If you don’t have an encouraging woman in your life, ask God to reveal a woman who seems to have the gift of encouragement.  Then ask her if you could regularly get together, perhaps once a week or every other week, just to chat and mutually encourage each other.  That’s right.  You can be her encourager too.  We all need it!  Let’s link arms together ladies!

How to make it through challenges

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

It’s inevitable.  You will eventually hit some rough patches in your marriage, and in your life in general.  So how do you hang on and press through those storms?  If your husband is caught in a pattern of sin against you, you will need to respectfully confront the problem.  If you guys just plain disagree on how to handle something, you’ll have to work for a compromise.  But when the situation in your marriage seems hopeless, or when a challenge in life feels insurmountable, that’s when we have to learn to persevere.

One huge key for me in terms of perseverance is reflecting on the many times in the past that God has answered my cries for help.  When I look back and take an inventory of the miracles he’s performed in my life and the times when he clearly orchestrated events…then my faith is increased.  As my faith increases, I can more easily persevere through the current crisis.  By recalling the past deeds of God in my life, I find peace knowing that He was in control then and He’s still in control now.  This is the counsel given to us in Psalm 77:11-12 “I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.  I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”

One of the best ways to remember the past deeds of the Lord is to write down “God-sightings” in a journal. I have a journal filled with little notes about answered prayers or “God-wink” moments where I can see that God orchestrated something amazing in my life.  I re-read these entries several times a year, and my faith is increased once again.  As my faith in God builds, I can persevere more easily during my current trial.  Do you have a “God-sighting” journal?

3 things keep husband attracted to you

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I have 3 simple but powerful tips that, if applied, are almost guaranteed to keep your husband attracted to you!

  1. Flirt with your husband on a regular basis, like you used to when you were dating!  Sometimes we get so busy with life and kids and jobs, that we forget to continue stoking the fire with our husbands.  Don’t let that happen to your marriage.  Decide to be playful and flirty with your husband several times a week.  Better yet, do this daily.  Wink at him across the room, pinch his tush as he passes by you in the kitchen, be playful and charmingly sassy as you talk with him.  He will almost certainly be drawn to you!
  2. Carry yourself with humble confidence. Did you know most men are attracted to confident women?  They are, as long as the woman doesn’t have a self-righteous, better-than-you attitude.  So how do you overcome insecurity and develop confidence?  For me, it means spending time in God’s Word reading how much He loves me and cares for me.  How do you develop humility?  For me, it means intentionally reminding myself every day that I am also an imperfect person, just like every other human being, including my husband.
  3. Choose to encourage your husband every single day.  I know this might seem ridiculous to some of you who are struggling with major issues in your marriage, but your husband needs to feel you are actually FOR him.  This doesn’t mean you should overlook any habitual sin of your husband, but it does mean that you at least balance serious discussions about his need to change with compliments on the things he is doing right…or the good qualities you see in him.  He needs you to be his chief encourager.  That will keep his heart drawn to you.