Our words are SO powerful! If you frequently tell your husband how he’s falling short, he will likely close down emotionally and search for an escape door. He may turn to alcohol, porn, excessive recreational pursuits, or even other women.
However, if you choose to tell him about the good things you see in him, he will begin to grow in confidence. I believe this is why God instructs wives in Ephesians 5:33, “the wife must respect her husband“. Your respect and admiration mean everything to your man. If you intentionally take note of his talents as well as the effort he puts forth, and then tell him you are proud of him, his feelings of inadequacy will fall away. He will start believing he can be successful in what he tries. He will gain courage to try tackling even bigger things.
If you notice his positive character qualities (and every man has at least one!), and tell him how much you respect him for those qualities, he will be built up on the inside. He will likely begin believing that he can become a man who makes a difference in his family and for God. A wife’s words of respect and encouragement can propel her husband forward to be an even greater man than he would ever have been without her!
Many powerful and influential male leaders have attributed much of the reason for their success to their wives. Billy Graham is one of those leaders. When his wife died in 2007, he told reporters “My work through the years would have been impossible without her encouragement and support.”
Your husband needs your encouragement and esteem in order to have the boldness and confidence to accomplish great things. In Genesis 2:18, God makes it clear that women were created because men need help. God said “It is not good for man to be alone. I will create a helper suitable for him.” That helper is you, and one of the biggest ways you can help your husband is by encouraging him with your words.
With that in mind, here are 10 words/phrases that your man longs to hear from you:
I don’t know if I’m normal or not (hah!), but I find that even though I want to make my relationship with Jesus and his kingdom business my top priority, alas, my attention quickly shifts to my personal comfort and happiness! If you’re a follower of Jesus, you have likely experienced the same struggle.
Of course, the devil is constantly trying to lure us off course. Jesus tells us in John 8 that Satan is the “father of lies”, so we can expect that he’s subtly whispering lies into our minds about what is the most important thing on which to focus at every moment. The Holy Spirit is saying, “Focus on things that matter in eternity”, but Satan is whispering “Focus on what will make you feel good right now. That’s what’s really important.“ Ugh.
How does this all play out in marriage? Well, the devil would love to get us to focus on how our spouse is disappointing to us, and then the devil follows that up with whispers that we need to manipulate our spouse, or control our spouse, or even trade in our spouse for a better model!
The Holy Spirit, on the other hand, is urging us to consider the more important, eternal, components of our relationship with our spouse. Even when your spouse disappoints you, the question God wants us to ask Him is this, “Lord, how do you want me to interact with my husband for his good in eternity?”. That question is such a game-changer! Suddenly, we see the bigger picture. Yes, your husband might have hurt your feelings or sinned against you, but YOU are no longer the center of the world. Now you begin to see that God has given you great responsibility to pivot from self-focus to acting in a way that could potentially impact your spouse’s walk with God into eternity. That’s huge, and this shift in perspective is clearly God’s plan for us when interacting with others! Philippians 2:3-4 “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourself. Each of you should look not only to his own interest, but also to the interest of others.”
As you ask that question of God, and strain to listen for the prompting of the Holy Spirit, you may sense Him calling you to show extravagant and unexpected grace to your husband. Maybe God will prompt you to speak words of identity to your husband and remind him how much God loves him. Conversely, maybe God will prompt you to lovingly establish boundaries with your husband. Maybe God knows this is the time for your husband to feel the weight of discipline that could end up saving his soul.
The point is: Ask God to give you a perspective shift during stressful times in marriage. Every time you’re in an emotionally-charged moment with your husband, train yourself to pause and ask this question, “Lord, how do you want me to interact with my husband for his good in eternity?”
Did you know a huge majority of men struggle with feeling inadequate on almost every level? It’s true. Since God designed men to be leaders in revealing the nature of God, it’s to be expected that Satan would try to destroy that mission by making men feel like they’re not up to that challenge! Satan is constantly whispering to your man that he is a failure, that he’s not good enough, that he’s not smart enough, and that he doesn’t have what it takes to be a godly leader, husband, father or provider. These are all lies! Jesus tells us in John 8:44 that Satan is “the father of lies“.
Unfortunately, when a husband starts believing these lies, he often decides to either give up trying to be a good husband or he may numb out by using pornography or alcohol, or by becoming a workaholic.
However, a man’s wife has the ability to counteract the voice of Satan! Ladies, why don’t you start telling your husband that you believe in him? Tell him that he CAN do it. Let him know that you see good qualities in him. Remind him about his unique talents and spiritual gifts. Show him the respect that God commands wives to display in Ephesians 5:33. As you affirm him and esteem him, you may likely find that your man becomes more confident and becomes an even better man than he is now.
