emotional

This constitutes emotional abuse

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Yesterday, we examined what constitutes physical abuse within a marriage.  Today, let’s explore something much more subtle and overlooked…verbal and/or emotional abuse.  Once again, I strongly urge women to take a stand against abuse of any kind.  Keep in mind, you are showing your children (especially your daughters) that either women are supposed to be weak, helpless, perpetual victims or that women can be confident and strong while still displaying love and kindness.

After doing much research, here’s a fairly comprehensive list of behavior that constitutes verbal, emotional or psychological abuse:  Frequently calling you obscene names, often yelling in rage, a pattern of constantly criticizing you and putting you down, prolonged periods of refusing to talk to you at all, pattern of ridiculing or making fun of you, pattern of mocking you or mean-spirited sarcasm, verbal threats of violence, intimidation through displaying knives or guns, constantly accusing you of wrongdoing, forbidding you to talk to parents or siblings, preventing you from leaving the house, refusing to allow you to talk on the phone, forbidding you from speaking to friends or neighbors, gas-lighting you by causing you to question your memory of what happened.

Again, I urge you to take a stand against this kind of abuse.  You are a valuable woman.  You are God’s daughter and precious in His sight.  Don’t allow yourself to be emotionally pummeled.  You will slowly be destroyed.  That is NOT God’s plan for you.  In fact, God instructs us to guard our hearts in Proverbs 4:23….”Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life“.  If you are suffering this kind of abuse, please talk to your pastor, pastor’s wife, or a certified counselor.  Your husband may be upset, but you must protect your heart.  By the way, if you fear for your physical safety as a result of revealing the emotional abuse, then take protective measures such as moving to a friend’s home or a domestic violence shelter while you work through the issues with your husband.

Subtle signs of codependency

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Over the years, I’ve met with so many women who have been almost destroyed by their husband’s behavior.  They tell stories of husbands being verbally abusive, or controlling, or unfaithful, or only interested in themselves with no concern for their wife. It’s heartbreaking for sure.  And, honestly, I can relate to some of their stories in my own previous relationships.

If you are in an abusive marriage or your husband is cheating on you, of course, I would recommend seeking immediate guidance from a pastor, women’s ministry leader or Christian counselor.  You need not endure or enable such sinful and hurtful behavior.

That being said, I also want to urge you to break free from a subtle but huge snare of our culture.  Our culture has convinced many of us that our husbands should make us happy, that our husbands should meet all our emotional and relational needs.  Here’s the problem with that expectation.  All husbands are imperfect!  Many husbands struggle with sin.  Lots of men have their own deep emotional wounds from childhood that prompt them to lash out in anger or seek validation from other women.  If you rely on your husband for your “happiness”, you will live in a constant state of disappointment, grief and resentment.  You will have fallen into the subtle trap of codependency which prompts you to subconsciously depend on people to meet your deep emotional needs for love and security, rather than depend on God.

Instead, I ask you to look to God alone as your main love relationship!  God alone is steady.  God alone is your perfect help and refuge during life’s challenges.  Psalm 62:6-8 He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken.  My victory and honor come from God alone.      He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me.  O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge.

** or view this topic as a 3 minute VIDEO BELOW

How to create deeper intimacy

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Wouldn’t it be great if you and I could stop spending energy trying to hide all our flaws, fears, and failures?  Most of us are in “hiding”.  You’re afraid that if anyone, including your husband, was to discover your flaws, they wouldn’t love you anymore.  Satan has convinced us that we need to hide who we really are. He whispers into your ear that your husband will look at you with disgust if he were to discover the real you.  Satan tells you your husband might even leave you.

Satan is a liar.  I know from experience that the opposite is true!  When my late husband Raul revealed all of his flaws (and I mean ALL) on our first date, even though I was shocked by his transparency, I found it completely refreshing and heart-warming.  It made me feel like I could trust him to be honest in the future…that he wouldn’t hide stuff from me.  We gained a kind of deep intimacy on that first date that some couples never experience in decades of marriage!  How wise to live out Proverbs 28:13 in your marriage, which says “Whoever conceals his sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.”

So, my challenge to you is to take a baby step forward in being “real” with your husband.  Tell him that you’d like to be able to share with him a deep fear or failure from your past.  Tell him that you need to be able to trust him to handle this revelation with tender care.  I believe you may discover a rich new level of intimacy with your man.  Also, by you going first, he may feel more comfortable revealing more of his true self to you in return!

Simple path to emotional intimacy

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I wish I had known about the blessings of a fire pit a long time ago! I had no idea that a fire pit could pave the way to more intimate, deep conversations than we routinely have in marriage. But I’ve discovered it’s true! There’s something bonding and safe about sharing your deepest thoughts, feelings and dreams in the flickering light coming from your backyard fire pit. Maybe it’s because it’s quiet and peaceful at night and, when sitting in front of the fire, we tend to talk in soft voices. Proverbs 15:1 says “A soft answer turns away wrath…” Well, maybe it’s that soft conversation in front of a fire that breaks down our defenses and helps us to open up.


My late husband Raul and I built a fire pit in our backyard at our last 2 homes. They cost less than $100. We thought a fire pit would be fun for the grandchildren to toast marshmallows and roast hot dogs. But it turned out that my husband and I enjoyed it just as much…for different reasons than the grandkids! As the sun went down, we lit the fire, and then my husband asked what the topic of the night should be. Sometimes, we talked about our dreams for ministry. Some nights, we talked about our concerns for our children and we prayed for them. Other nights, we talked about our dream vacation ideas. Try building a fire pit. You may be pleasantly surprised by the emotional intimacy you gain as a result!

7 words when others hurt you

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment


We’re all going to be hurt by others during the course of our lives, sometimes over and over again! The question is not “How do I avoid being hurt by others” because you can’t control other people. The real question to ask is, “How can I heal and move on with hope, peace and joy?” Over many years of helping women, and after recovering from numerous heartbreaking offenses myself, I’ve come to realize that seven words are key.
The first 3 words are: That was wrong. You need to be able to tell your story to a compassionate listener who then validates the wound by saying those precious words, “That was wrong”. Something very healing happens the moment someone else listens to your story, shows empathy for the pain you suffered, and then validates that the person who wounded you was wrong to do so. This is Biblical. 1 Peter 3:8 “Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.” You need to hear those words, “That was wrong.” So, ask God to lead you to that person who can be a compassionate listener to your story.
However, after you’ve told your story to that compassionate listener, and after a short time of grieving your pain with the Lord, you then need to move on to the other 4 words: Pivot from your pain. Far too many people get stuck in their pain and subconsciously develop a victim identity. This is NOT God’s plan for you! God doesn’t intend for you to be sidelined with grief, mired down in hopelessness, or burdened with a victim mindset. He actually instructs you to forget the past and turn forward with hopeful anticipation! Isaiah 43:18 “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. 19 See, I am doing a new thing!”
So, after receiving empathy from that compassionate listener, stubbornly pivot from the pain and look forward. Ask God to show you the purposes He has for you this day, purposes that will bring you joy and peace. God has good plans for you! Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Date-night conversation-starters

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

We’ve all seen that couple at a restaurant…that couple that hardly speaks a word to each other throughout the whole meal. Don’t be that couple! You and your husband may not be used to revealing your hearts to each other, but give it a try, and don’t just talk about the kids. Here are two helpful hints in terms of making your husband comfortable in opening up his heart to you in conversation: 1) Show an actual interest in what your husband shares 2) Do not criticize, point out flaws, or roll your eyes at the things he shares! Philippians 2:4 instructs…”Each of you should look not only to your own interest, but also to the interest of others.” So, really listen to the hopes, dreams, fears, concerns, and feelings of your husband.

Here are 4 questions you could use as date night conversation starters:
1) What makes you feel most fully alive…as in what do you so enjoy doing that you feel great satisfaction or delight and you easily lose track of time?
2) If you had 100 million dollars and didn’t have to work for a living, what would you love to do with your time and money?
3) What are the 2 or 3 most impactful moments of your life?
4) What was the best part of your day and what was the most discouraging part of your day?