divorce

Avoid these common causes of divorce

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Recently, I was reading a bunch of different articles about the common causes for divorce, and I noticed 3 causes that seemed to appear the most frequently in each of these articles.  They are: financial problems/fights, lack of sexual and emotional intimacy, and poor communication.  Obviously, you would do well to be aware of these common traps so that you don’t end up in divorce court!  Also, since God designed marriage, it makes sense that His Word would have guidance to help us avoid falling into these 3 common causes of divorce.

As I was considering each of these 3 areas, something really interesting occurred to me.  Failing to value the other person’s needs and desires is central to all 3 of these common causes of divorce!  I will explain in a moment, but first, here is the key section of Scripture for you to apply.  Romans 12:10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.

Financial problems/fights:  Usually, these fights occur because most women highly value financial security and most men are prone to be a little more “adventurous” when it comes to spending money. So, the key here is to sit down with your husband and ask him to listen to and be considerate of your financial need for security, and then for you to be willing to take into consideration his desires regarding money.  Then, work toward a compromise that represents some of the values of you both!

Lack of sexual and emotional intimacy:  Often this happens in a relationship when we allow other things or other people to take precedence over the relationship with our spouse.  We treat our spouse and their needs, physical and emotional, as less important than other things.   It also happens when we allow a misunderstanding or disappointment with our spouse to fester and turn into toxic resentment which in turn leads to us putting up a “wall” with our spouse.  The key here is sit down with your spouse and determine to work all the way through any past misunderstandings and resentments.  Ask for forgiveness and give forgiveness.  Also, decide together to actively pursue physical and emotional intimacy by placing a high priority on those connections in your marriage.

Poor communication:  This often occurs because both the husband and the wife mistakenly believe the other one understands the way they think and their unspoken needs and desires!  We tend to think the other gender thinks like us, but they don’t!  The remedy here is to sit down, once again, and intentionally discuss many areas where you have had miscommunications in the past.  Clearly explain your needs and desires.  Ask your husband to clearly explain his needs and desires.  Agree to have direct communication instead of expecting the other person to “just know”!

4 keys to bouncing back

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

When I was little, there was a popular and fun toy called a Bozo the Clown Bop Bag.  It was a 4 foot tall inflatable Bozo the clown that had weight at the bottom of the bag so that when you punched it, it fell over but then it bounced back upright.

Now that I have decades of experience under my belt, I see quite an analogy between that bop bag and our walk with the Lord.  We ARE the bop bag!   Satan throws the punches.  But if we are smart, we’ve developed such a strong relationship with Jesus that he becomes the weight at the bottom of the bag that helps us pop back up after Satan has thrown a big punch!

Here are 4 big keys to having enough weight at the bottom of your bop bag so that you can bounce back up after adversity or heartbreak:

  1. Remind yourself that God loves you and will bring something good out of every challenging situation.  Romans 8:28  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
  2. Remind yourself that you are never alone, and that God has promised to stay by your side through all difficulties, fears and heartbreaks.  Psalm 23:4 Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
  3. Train yourself to pivot from self-focus to kingdom focus.  In other words, if I focus on how I am disappointed, sad, hurt, fearful, rejected, etc…then I will stay stuck in self-pity and depression.  But if I remember that there are more important things than me, such as blessing others, pointing others to Christ and expanding God’s kingdom…then I will begin to find renewed purpose, fulfillment, and joy.  Colossians 3:1-2 Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. 2 Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. 3 For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.
  4. Ask God if there are any dysfunctional or unhelpful patterns that you need to change so that you don’t keep falling into the same pit of despair or keep banging your head against the wall for no good reason!!  Proverbs 26:11 As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly.

5 keys for a great marriage

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

One thing I’ve learned over my many years is that a great marriage doesn’t just magically happen.  Being “in love” when you exchange vows on your wedding day isn’t going to be enough.  You must be intentional.  Please allow me to share 5 simple but profound keys to building a strong, lasting, healthy marriage.  Conveniently, God gave me this acrostic to help both you and I remember these 5 keys!  Together, the letters spell G-R-E-A-T, as in a great marriage!

G:  stands for God, as in making sure that God is your number one relationship instead of trying to get your husband to meet all your emotional needs and expecting him to be your source of happiness.  (Matthew 22:36-37)

R: stands for resentment, as in making sure that you address resentment quickly so that it can’t choke the life out of your marriage.  (Hebrews 12:15)

E:  stands for effort, as in being diligent to speak your husband’s love language, pay attention to him, create fun moments with him, do small things he appreciates, and build a vibrant sex life with him!  (Proverbs 13:4)

A: stands for ask God to show you how YOU need to change, grow, and eliminate old unhealthy patterns in your own life such as conflict avoidance or having a critical tongue.  (Colossians 3:5-10)

T:  stands for treasure, as in purposely reminding yourself of the good qualities you can treasure in your husband instead of allowing yourself to dwell on his imperfections.  (Philippians 4:8)

How Satan tries to kill marriages

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I’m outing him.  I’m exposing one of Satan’s main strategies for tripping up wives and potentially destroying their marriages.  I can speak from experience because, a couple decades ago, I got caught in this scheme.  Ugh.  Here it is.  The enemy will subtly lure you into a “friendship” with a man other than your husband.  It will start very innocently.  It may evolve very slowly.  But here’s what I know.  Once you start sharing your feelings, your troubles, and your hopes with a man, you start emotionally bonding with that man.   Once a man starts sharing his burdens and his feelings with you, you start to bond with that man.  Now you’re in treacherous water, and it’s only a matter of time before you get sucked into an actual affair.

I know some of you don’t believe me, but trust me, this has happened to countless women, including wonderful Christian ladies.  It happened to me at the end of my first marriage.  I never would have believed it could happen to me!  For me, it took over 10 years for Satan to build a strong enough emotional bond with the man for me to be ensnared, but apparently the devil is pretty patient.  Don’t let this happen to you.  Refuse to spend time alone with another man, even at a public location.  Refuse to discuss your marriage or your husband with another man, unless it’s a pastor or counselor.   God instructs us in 1 Peter 5:8 to “be self-controlled and alert because the devil is prowling around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour“.  Be smart.  Be alert to this scheme from the pit of hell!

Beware: This is toxic in marriage

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

We’ve all been betrayed and we’ve all betrayed others.  I can almost guarantee this is true for all of us, although we only seem to remember the times when we’ve been betrayed.  We conveniently “forget” the times we’ve betrayed others, in big and small ways.

Here’s the thing.  When we allow our focus to remain on the deeply hurtful things people have done to us, it’s as if we tie a heavy chain around our ankles and toss ourselves into a deep, dark lake.  We slowly sink deeper and deeper into murky darkness.  We’re starved for life-giving oxygen.  We slowly drown in self-pity.  We become enveloped by resentment and that resentment becomes a poison to us and everyone around us!

Cut the chains of bitterness and resentment!  Come up for air.  Drop the “victim” attitude.  The Bible tells us in Hebrews 12:15 to “see to it that no bitter root grows up among you to cause trouble and defile many”.  Your choice to embrace and coddle your bitterness will surely be the death of your joy and the joy of those around you.

How can you get rid of this super destructive attitude of resentment? Here are some insights. Stop hitting the replay button on past hurts!  Choose this day to be thankful for what you do have.  Make a choice to have compassion on your offender, realizing that you’re not perfect either!  If the resentment stems from current behavior, then seek godly counsel on establishing boundaries in that relationship.  Finally, ask God to redeem your painful experience in some kind of way.  He loves to do that!  Romans 8:28 promises us that “in all things God works for the good of those who love Him who have been called according to His purpose.”

Guard marriage from 3 common pitfalls

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

As I’ve worked with hundreds of wives over 15 years of women’s ministry, I’ve noticed some common traps that end up destroying a marriage.  We must be alert to the subtle scheme of the enemy!  1 Peter 5:8-9 (amplified translation) Be sober [well balanced and self-disciplined], be alert and cautious at all times. That enemy of yours, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion [fiercely hungry], seeking someone to devour. 9 But resist him, be firm in your faith [against his attack—rooted, established, immovable]…

So please allow me to help you be alert to 3 common pitfalls or schemes of the enemy:

  1. Allowing yourself to emotionally connect with another man, whether on social media or workplace.  This is SO dangerous.  The moment you start confiding in another man or sharing your troubles or heartbreaks, you will start to emotionally bond with that man.  So, resist the urge to share your marriage troubles with another man, unless he’s a trained counselor!
  2. Believing your marriage should be like the ones in romantic comedies.  Oh boy.  Our culture has glorified romance and made it seem that your guy should be the most romantic, tender, loving, understanding, empathetic, compassionate listener when he comes home to you at the end of the day, while slaying dragons at the workplace and out in the world during the day!  Impossible!  Don’t fall for this scheme from the pit of hell.  The devil wants you to believe you’ve been ripped off and should trade in your husband because he isn’t exactly like the guys portrayed in romantic comedies and romance novels.  Your guy can’t be that perfect!!
  3. Letting resentment go unaddressed. This is such a subtle and slow killer of marriages.  When you stuff issues, rather than working all the way through them, resentment slowly poisons your hearts to your husband.  Ephesians 4:26-27 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold“

** or view this topic as a 4 minute VIDEO BELOW

Avoid this crazy cycle in marriage!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

In every marriage, there will certainly be times where you find yourself disappointed or frustrated with your husband.  The question isn’t…how can you and I avoid those challenging times?  The question is…how are we going to respond to the challenge?

I’ve met many wives who allow themselves to sink into self-pity or get all riled up with anger toward their husband.  Neither one of those responses is helpful!  In fact, a crazy cycle begins in the marriage.  The wife lets her husband know how disappointed she is in him…he feels like a failure so he either responds with mean words or withdraws…she gets even more disappointed…and the cycle continues!  Please allow me to suggest a couple of new ways to look at those times when your husband has frustrated or disappointed you:

Instead of focusing solely on what he’s doing wrong, choose to rejoice in what he’s doing right.  This is the essence of Philippians 4:8 “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.”  In other words, instead of developing a sour taste in your mouth by dwelling on his every fault, choose to look at your husband as a work in progress.  God doesn’t transform a person overnight (including you!).  So, choose to relish in the sweetness of every good thing your husband does and every good choice he makes.  For your soul, it will be like sipping on sweet lemonade instead of sucking on bitter lemons.

P.S.  You’ll look a lot more attractive to your husband when your mouth isn’t puckered up like you’ve been sucking on sour lemons!

P.S.S. If your husband is WAY out of bounds with his behavior and actually sinning against you, you may need to establish some firm boundaries, while at the same time choosing to remind yourself of his good qualities as well!

A top need of your children

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

If you love your children, one of the MOST important things you can do for them is to keep your marriage healthy and intact!  Not to scare you, but the research regarding children from divorced families is alarming.  Perhaps this is one reason the Bible says in Malachi 2:16, “For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce“.  God knows the devastating impact of divorce on children’s lives.

Research by Focus on the Family has found that teens from divorced homes are much more likely to engage in drug and alcohol use, as well as sexual intercourse than are those from intact families.  Also, kids whose parents divorce are substantially more likely to be incarcerated for committing a crime as a juvenile.  Plus, research from the Heritage Foundation found that children of divorced parents perform more poorly at school and have higher drop-out rates.

Yes, God can heal a child’s heart following a divorce, but the scars will remain.  So, work hard to keep your marriage healthy and strong.  Pray every day for your husband and pray daily for marriage guidance from the Lord.  See a counselor if you guys are fighting a lot or if you are growing increasingly resentful.  Don’t let your heart grow hard.  Fight for your marriage.  Your kids will thank you!

Wives: Beware of this thought

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Caution.  Caution.  In fact, I urge you to envision yellow caution tape (like you see around a dangerous construction zone) every time this thought comes into your mind. The thought is “I deserve a different husband”.  That is a thought emanating straight from the pit of hell.

When Satan dangles that thought in front of your mind, he’s basically trying to entice you into believing that you have been ripped off and that you are entitled to trade in your man for a better model.  I should know.  I bought that lie from the enemy, hook, line, and sinker at the end of my first marriage.  You know who else fell for this kind of thinking?  Eve.  She fell for Satan’s lie that God was ripping her off by withholding fruit from one of the trees and he got her to believe she was entitled to more than God had given her.  That story didn’t end well either.  

Now please don’t misunderstand me.  If your husband is an unrepentant, serial cheater or if he has a pattern of abuse and is not seeking serious help, then God may very well release you from your marriage. However, MUCH of the time, the enemy tries to get us to focus on every shortcoming of our husband, every flaw, every way he does not meet our expectations for a perfect husband.  Then Satan seals the deal by whispering to us that we deserve a different husband…a husband who would be so much better.  That’s usually a complete delusion!  I can almost guarantee you that if you were to dump your husband and get a new one, he would have “issues” as well!  So don’t fall for Satan’s schemes and delusions.  Remember what the Bible tells us in 2 Corinthians 11:14…”Satan masquerades as an angel of light”.

So, instead of buying the lie that you need to dump your inferior man and get a better model, how about if you do these three things instead?  1)  Look for the good qualities of your man and be thankful  2) Respectfully confront any sinful pattern of behavior on his part and establish boundaries if necessary 3) pray daily for Jesus to mold and shape your husband into a godly man of integrity.