disappointment

Become an unoffendable woman!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Here’s a small but potent tip for improving all your relationships.  This tip will also improve your countenance!  Instead of being a sour-faced, bitter-looking woman, your face will exude peace, contentment, and calm.

Here’s the tip, and it’s actually straight from the Bible.  Stop being so easily offended!  Proverbs 19:11 in the NIV says, “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.”  The NLT translation puts it this way, “Sensible people control their temper; they earn respect by overlooking wrongs.”

This theme of overlooking offenses is repeated in the New Testament. 1 Peter 4:8 (amplified translation) says, “Above all, have fervent and unfailing love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins [it overlooks unkindness and unselfishly seeks the best for others].”

Think about it for a minute.  Do you take offense too quickly?  I’m not saying that you should willingly put yourself in situations where you are likely to be abused (verbally or in any way), but God instructs us over and over again to refrain from being easily offended and to keep no record of wrongs does against us.  In the Bible’s famous definition of love, found in 1 Corinthians 13, verse 4 says: It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured.

What is God highlighting to you in these Scriptures?  I know He is using these passages to convict me.  He’s showing me that I will have greater peace in relationships if I stop allowing myself to become offended when people don’t treat me exactly how I think they should.  He’s showing me that I will have greater peace in my soul when I stop dwelling on perceived offenses and focus on loving Him and loving others well. What’s He showing you?

Great thing to say during fights

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

When we are having an argument with our spouse, or struggling with disappointment, we tend to blame each other and hurl accusations at each other. This never ends well!!  However, I’ve learned that there is a super helpful, simple thing we can say that helps the other person feel less attacked, and therefore, less defensive.  This simple statement has great power to throttle back the tension and turn your spouse’s heart back toward you.

Here is the statement:  “I know you love me and you would never, ever intentionally hurt me….”  After you say those words in a soft and loving voice, you can gently explain how you’ve been hurt or your perspective on the issue at hand.  You will find that by speaking those words, your spouse will relax a bit as he feels affirmed.  Your words communicate to him that you believe he has a good heart and good motives, and that lowers his need to feel defensive. 

When you speak these kind and loving words, you are really carrying out God’s instructions on how to love well as outlined in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.  Here is that passage in the Amplified translation:  Love endures with patience and serenity, love is kind and thoughtful, and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. 5 It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured. 6 It does not rejoice at injustice, but rejoices with the truth [when right and truth prevail]. 7 Love bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], endures all things [without weakening].

The next time you are your husband are at odds and you can sense the anger and defensiveness beginning to grow, try using that sentence in gentle and loving way:   “I know you love me and you would never, ever intentionally hurt me….” 

** or view this topic as a 2 minute VIDEO BELOW

Wives must know this about emotions!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Do you tend to get loud when you get upset?  Are you prone to big, dramatic displays of your emotions, whether joy, frustration or sadness?  Well you might not know this, but most men are really uncomfortable with big displays of emotion.  This isn’t true for ALL men, but for most men.

In other words, if you’re a drama queen….your husband will likely try to escape your presence!  He just doesn’t know what to do with your larger-than-life emotions.  Maybe this is why 1 Peter 3:4 advises wives to have the beauty that comes from a “gentle and quiet spirit“.   

Most men much prefer that their wives discuss their emotions, fears, disappointments, frustrations, and joy in a calm manner.  Your husband will be much more likely to engage in a meaningful discussion with you if you can speak in a normal tone of voice, without waving around your arms.  Try it!

Avoid this crazy cycle in marriage!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

In every marriage, there will certainly be times where you find yourself disappointed or frustrated with your husband.  The question isn’t…how can you and I avoid those challenging times?  The question is…how are we going to respond to the challenge?

I’ve met many wives who allow themselves to sink into self-pity or get all riled up with anger toward their husband.  Neither one of those responses is helpful!  In fact, a crazy cycle begins in the marriage.  The wife lets her husband know how disappointed she is in him…he feels like a failure so he either responds with mean words or withdraws…she gets even more disappointed…and the cycle continues!  Please allow me to suggest a couple of new ways to look at those times when your husband has frustrated or disappointed you:

Instead of focusing solely on what he’s doing wrong, choose to rejoice in what he’s doing right.  This is the essence of Philippians 4:8 “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.”  In other words, instead of developing a sour taste in your mouth by dwelling on his every fault, choose to look at your husband as a work in progress.  God doesn’t transform a person overnight (including you!).  So, choose to relish in the sweetness of every good thing your husband does and every good choice he makes.  For your soul, it will be like sipping on sweet lemonade instead of sucking on bitter lemons.

P.S.  You’ll look a lot more attractive to your husband when your mouth isn’t puckered up like you’ve been sucking on sour lemons!

P.S.S. If your husband is WAY out of bounds with his behavior and actually sinning against you, you may need to establish some firm boundaries, while at the same time choosing to remind yourself of his good qualities as well!

Mrs. Holy Spirit??

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

There’s a fine line between confronting someone who is sinning against us and confronting someone about their sin in general.  As I read the Scriptures, it is pretty clear that we are supposed to confront our husbands or anyone who is sinning directly against us.  Jesus gives us this instruction in Matthew 18:15-17 and also in Luke 17:3.

However, sometimes we go too far and start to act like we’re the Holy Spirit!  It is not our job as a wife to convict our husbands of each and every one of their sins.  God says that’s the Holy Spirit’s job.  In John 16:8, Jesus says the Helper (Holy Spirit) “will convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment”.  

This means it’s not your job to be constantly pointing out your husband’s flaws, reminding him of his imperfections, and chastising him for falling short of God’s perfect standard.  A wife is NOT Mrs Holy Spirit!  In fact, when we start acting like we are the Holy Spirit, we start to become that quarrelsome wife mentioned throughout Proverbs.  She is compared to a constant dripping of a leaky roof.  Hmmm.

Dangers of “stuffing” in marriage

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Are you a “stuffer” in your marriage.  Stuffing usually happens in one of two ways, and they both lead to major problems!

One way that many wives “stuff” is by shrinking back and failing to voice their opinions, perspectives, needs or desires in the relationship.  That happens primarily when they are married to a strong-willed or even narcissistic husband who is very domineering in the marriage.  They become intimidated into silence or become a shell of the woman they used to be.  As this continues month after month and year after year, they inevitably become resentful.  Resentment, that goes unaddressed over a long period of time, is always toxic and commonly leads to the death of the marriage.

The second and most common way that many wives “stuff” is by avoiding conflict and stuffing their feelings of disappointment and frustration.  This might seem like a good choice because it eliminates a fight and therefore, it seems like it leads to peace.  However, what it really does is lead to growing resentment toward your husband.  Once again, if you don’t address the issues and work to overcome resentment, that resentment will grow and grow until your marriage begins to implode.

God makes it clear in His Word that we need to work through issues and avoid letting anger and resentment grow.  He makes this clear in Ephesians 4:26-27 And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.

Don’t be a stuffer!  Ask God to give you the courage to voice your needs and opinions.  Ask God to help you address major concerns and disappointments with your husband.  If you need help, seek prayer support and advice from a godly mentor or pastor or actual counselor.  Remember, stuffing only leads to resentment, and long-term resentment often kills a marriage.  Don’t let that happen to you!

**or view this topic as a 3 minute VIDEO BELOW