disappointed

3 tips for the disappointed wife

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Tip # 1:  If you find yourself disappointed with your husband, ask yourself this question:  Is he sinning against me or am I just disappointed with him?  If he is actually sinning against you (looking at porn, being abusive, drinking excessively, etc), then consult with God and perhaps a godly mentor to determine if you should lovingly, respectfully, and firmly confront your husband and establish boundaries, using the Biblical model laid out in Matthew 18:15-17. 

However, if you’re simply disappointed with your husband because he’s not meeting your expectations, then try these two things: 

Tip # 2:  Simply and clearly let him know what you desire….because he is not a mind-reader!  It’s so funny how we expect our husbands to meet all our needs and desires because “he should just know”.  Lol  Well, guess what?  He doesn’t “just know”.  Sometimes, you need to actually tell him what you’re hoping for and what your expectations are.  Be specific. Don’t drop hints. Clearly tell him what you need or desire.

Tip # 3:  If he still doesn’t fulfill your desires and expectations, take a moment and remind yourself that he can’t be perfect, and he can’t perfectly meet all your needs!  Now, if someone were to ask us if we expect our husbands to be perfect, we would answer “of course not!”, and yet, at a subconscious level, most of us DO expect our men to be perfect. We pretty much expect them to be Jesus!  It’s time to let them off that hook.  After all, God makes it clear in Psalm 53 “there is no one who does good, not even one”. 

So, maybe it’s time you stop expecting your man to be perfect in every way. How about, instead, you decide to be thankful for the good things about him?  In fact, every time I started to get disappointed with my own husband in years past, I learned to stop and begin to list the things that he was doing right.  This is what my new internal dialogue sounded like:  “He works hard to provide for me.  He doesn’t get drunk or do drugs. He has stopped looking at porn.  He reads the Bible every day. Wow!  I’m not so disappointed anymore! I’m actually kind of thankful for him!”

How to avoid frustration with hubby

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Even if you have a great marriage, we will all experience moments of frustration with our husbands from time to time.  Well, one key to resolving those frustrations (and avoiding them in the future) is to understand the cause.  In my experience, the cause is typically “unmet expectations”.   We consciously or even subconsciously expect our husbands to act in a certain way, and when they don’t, we get really frustrated!

So, here’s a nugget of wisdom that may be the remedy.  Clearly communicate your expectations and desires to your husband!  Duh!  I know this sounds too simple, but honestly, we are often at fault for holding expectations but failing to clearly reveal those expectations to our men.    We act like husbands are mind-readers and should “just know”.  News flash:  Most men don’t “just know”.  They don’t think like women, and they don’t know what you expect and desire from them.  In fact, when we fail to communicate what we want, we’re not really being honest with them. 

Maybe it’s time to bless your husband by being honest about your expectations and desires.  Proverbs 24:26 says “An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips“!!  Start to clearly communicate your expectations to your man.  Now, your husband may disagree with your expectations, and that’s okay.  That’s an opportunity for the two of you to sit down and discuss your respective opinions and work toward a compromise.  But at least you’ll be on the same page and understand each other’s expectations!

Subtle blame-shifting in marriage

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Isn’t it so very easy to see your husband’s faults?  Isn’t it super simple to see the wrongs of your mother-in-law or your co-worker?  Yep.  I can clearly see another person’s sin, but rarely do I take an honest look at my own shortcomings!

In a marriage, this tendency to only see another’s sin can be deadly.  If you allow yourself to focus on your spouse’s failures or flaws, you will start becoming resentful, depressed, discouraged and hopeless.  Don’t get me wrong.  This doesn’t mean a wife shouldn’t ask for changes if her husband is sinning against her. She may indeed need to set firm boundaries.  However, this DOES mean that she should also take a serious look at her own behavior!

My late husband and I met with many couples over the years and, tragically, we saw far too many wives eagerly point out their husband’s shortcomings while failing to seriously acknowledge their own flaws.  Many wives will say the words “Oh, I know I’m not perfect either”, but then their next 10 sentences are filled with complaints about their husband. There is rarely a serious inventory of their own shortcomings or ways in which they may have contributed to problems in the marriage.

Let’s do better! Let’s stop blame-shifting.  Yes, we often engage in blame-shifting, which means we blame someone else for our own wrong behavior!  For instance, a wife will blame her husband’s flaws for why she became disrespectful or why she rudely refused to talk to him at all, treating him as if he was invisible and worthless.

Ladies, let’s ask God to show us our own faults and weaknesses so that we can change for the better.  Let’s stop shifting the blame for our own unkind or sinful behavior. Not only will your husband appreciate this new humility and honesty, but you will likely thrive as well!  Proverbs 28:13 puts it this way:  Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.

P.S.  Yes, I know that husbands also can engage in blame-shifting, but for the purposes of this devotional, I’m writing to wives!

Dealing with your husband’s flaws

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

You may be a wife (like I have been in the past) who is stunned when her husband does or says something that isn’t exactly kind and loving. To be honest, at some subconscious level, I guess I expected my husband to always make me happy and do the right thing. In short, I rather expected him to be like Jesus. I mean, after all, he is a Christian, for heaven’s sake!


Hmmm. On the other hand, the Bible makes it clear that no human being is perfect. Psalm 14:3 says, “there is no one who does good, not even one”. So, perhaps it’s time for you to take your husband off the hook. I’m not saying that you should give him a free pass on blatant, destructive sin. Jesus makes it clear we should confront someone who is truly sinning against us. You can read his instructions about that in Matthew 18:15-17.


However, I do believe it’s time for Christian wives to start being gracious to their husbands in terms of looking beyond their minor faults and annoying quirks. Does he sometimes drive more aggressively than you would like? Maybe you can be gracious about that (while praying for safety!). Does he fall short in the romance department? You can be gracious about that too. Does he sometimes snap at you when he’s stressed. That makes him human! Remember he is a flawed person, just like you! We’re all a work in progress…in the master’s hands.

Are you frustrated with husband?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

If you’ve been married for more than a few months, you’ve likely experienced frustration with your husband on occasion. Sometimes the frustrations are over little annoying habits. Other times, your frustration may mount over bigger behavior issues, such as a tendency to spend money wildly or be too controlling or drink too much alcohol.


There are definitely times when God may prompt you to have a serious talk with your husband about destructive behaviors. However, I’ve learned that sometimes, God wants me to simply consider why my husband is acting the way he is. In other words, God wants me to strive to be compassionate and understanding. People always have a reason for why they behave the way they do. When I pause for a moment to ask the Holy Spirit to give me insight, I’ve frequently sensed the Holy Spirit showing me an underlying reason, such as insecurity, or a need to be respected, or a need for comfort after a hard day. When that happens, I immediately find myself more compassionate and less frustrated!


God instructs us in 1 Peter 3:8 Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble. So, the next time your husband does something really frustrating, pause and ask God if you are to say something and maybe even establish a boundary on destructive behavior, but also be sure and ask God to give you compassion and understanding as to why your husband is acting that way. Compassion trumps judgment every time! Or as the Bible puts it in James 2:13 Mercy triumphs over judgment.