Try this new goal during conflict

December 12, 2025Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

It’s natural during disagreements with your husband to believe you’re right, he’s wrong, and you must convince him of that! However, if you stay stuck in that mindset, the battle only heats up. He gets defensive. You get defensive. Usually, the situation either evolves into yelling and ugly accusations or a silent, but deadly cold war. There is a better way, and it begins with rethinking your end goal.

What if your goal was not to “win” the argument or change his mind? What if the goal was to reach a compromise or solution that addresses the biggest concerns of you both? Seriously. Think about it. Now you both win and there are no losers. This means that you both agree to consider the other person’s perspective, fears, values, and concerns. From there, you begin to present ideas that might address both of your main concerns. Philippians 2:4 reminds us “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

So, the next time you and your husband start to have a significant disagreement, suggest that you would like to sit down together and better understand his perspective and concerns. Then gently share your concerns, and ask him to join you in brainstorming a solution or compromise that would be the best fit for both of you.

Great thing to say during fights

November 19, 2025Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

When we are having an argument with our spouse, or struggling with disappointment, we tend to blame each other and hurl accusations at each other. This never ends well!! However, I’ve learned that there is a super helpful, simple thing we can say that helps the other person feel less attacked, and therefore, less defensive. This simple statement has great power to throttle back the tension and turn your spouse’s heart back toward you.

Here is the statement: “I know you love me and you would never, ever intentionally hurt me….” After you say those words in a soft and loving voice, you can gently explain how you’ve been hurt or your perspective on the issue at hand. You will find that by speaking those words, your spouse will relax a bit as he feels affirmed. Your words communicate to him that you believe he has a good heart and good motives, and that lowers his need to feel defensive.

When you speak these kind and loving words, you are really carrying out God’s instructions on how to love well as outlined in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Here is that passage in the Amplified translation: Love endures with patience and serenity, love is kind and thoughtful, and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. 5 It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured. 6 It does not rejoice at injustice, but rejoices with the truth [when right and truth prevail]. 7 Love bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], endures all things [without weakening].

The next time you are your husband are at odds and you can sense the anger and defensiveness beginning to grow, try using that sentence in gentle and loving way: “I know you love me and you would never, ever intentionally hurt me….”

** or view this topic as a 2 minute VIDEO BELOW

Key strategy during marital conflict

February 12, 2025Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Conflict and disagreement is inevitable in marriage. However, conflict need not lead to the formation of two enemy camps! Here’s something that can greatly change the dynamics during conflict and actually move you closer to resolution. Pause and ask God to help you see the situation through your husband’s eyes. Ask the Lord to show you what is truly prompting your husband to say what he’s saying or do what he’s doing. Is he stressed? Is he discouraged? Is he still affected by emotional wounds from his childhood? Does he simply have a different idea on how something should be done, and could his idea actually make sense?

When we intentionally pause and try to consider the vantage point of our husbands, we begin to have compassion, or at least an understanding of why he is thinking or acting the way he is. Instead of only focusing on our desires, Philippians 2:4 instructs us, “Look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” When you truly stop and try to look at the situation from his perspective, you may see some actual merit to your husband’s point of view! You might also start to realize how your husband’s past hurts in life (or current fears) are playing a role in his actions or reactions.

When we ask Jesus to help us see the situation through our husband’s eyes, we start to soften and feel compassion. As we have compassion and understanding, it will be much easier to compromise or find a resolution. Try it!

** or view this topic as a 2 minute VIDEO BELOW

If your husband is doing things wrong!

February 6, 2025Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

We are all going to be frustrated or concerned with our husbands from time to time because they aren’t doing things right. Of course, we define “right” as “our way”!!!

For you, perhaps you’re upset and frustrated with the way your husband is parenting the kids. You don’t think he’s doing it the right way. Maybe he is handling the finances differently than you would. Perhaps you disagree with his opinion on women serving in pastoral roles at your church. What is a wife to do?!
Here are 3 things that God showed me as I asked him this very question, because believe it or not, my husband and I don’t always see eye to eye on everything!

1) Ask God to help you see if you have a pride problem. Think about it. The minute you say that your husband isn’t doing things “right”, you’re implying that your way is the only way that’s correct. That’s pretty arrogant, to put it bluntly. The exception would be if your husband is entangled in a pattern of sin. That should, of course, be addressed. Otherwise, differences of opinion are normal. Different ways of handling things are normal. It doesn’t mean he’s wrong and you’re right.

2) Ask God to help you focus on what your husband is doing well; the things you can and should be grateful for. Instead of dwelling on the little differences of opinion and the small disagreements, focus on what he does well. For example, if your husband attends church and loves the Lord, be super grateful for that, instead of getting upset that his opinions about church dynamics are different than yours.

3) Ask God to help you remember that your husband is a work in progress in the hands of God. No one has arrived at perfection, including you. We are all being slowly molded and matured by God. Maturity takes time!! 2 Corinthians 3:18 puts it this way: And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. So, as you’re waiting for God to slowly transform your husband, pray that God would gently convict him if he’s off course in some area. God will definitely answer that prayer…in his own timing.

**or view this topic as a 2 minute VIDEO BELOW

Do this during disagreements

January 22, 2025Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

It’s vital for you and your spouse to come into agreement on the major issues within your marriage, such as finances, parenting, time spent on recreation, frequency of sex, etc. You must come into agreement because division in a marriage often leads to the eventual collapse of that marriage. God’s word even states this. In Matthew 12:25, Jesus says “Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand.”

So, what should you do if you and your spouse are consistently divided in a specific area? Don’t just throw your hands up in the air and give up! Decide to respectfully, but thoroughly, discuss the issue with your husband. Ask God for the right timing and ask God to prepare your heart and your husband’s heart for the conversation ahead. The goal is to reach a compromise that you can both support. And, if you can’t reach such a compromise on your own, then seek help from a pastor, counselor, or mentor couple. Do whatever you need to do to come into agreement with your husband on this issue. It will bring peace to you, your marriage, and your household!

P.S. If the disagreement stems from your husband wanting to do something immoral, then compromise isn’t the right option! In that case, you will likely want to see help from a counselor or pastor, and you may have to establish boundaries in the relationship.

Overcoming fear of confrontation

January 20, 2025Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I have seen so many women wither and die emotionally in their marriages because their husband is engaged in disrespectful or sinful behavior and the wife gives up too easily in terms of confrontation. (I should know because I was one of those women in my first marriage!) So why would a wife give up? I believe it boils down to one main fear.

The wife fears that if she continues to confront the issue, or heaven forbid, draws a serious boundary, her husband may decide to leave her…and in her mind, she will lose what’s supposed to make her happy and secure. But this is faulty thinking! Your husband is not a reliable source of happiness. God is the only one we can depend on for unconditional love, compassion, and security. If your husband were to leave after you draw a line in the sand, I believe God is big enough to take care of you financially. I know He is. Do you trust Him? Do you believe what He says in Hebrews 13:5 “I will never leave you, nor forsake you”?

Trust in the One who will never leave your side. Trust in the One who can provide innovative ways to take care of your financial needs. Trust in the One who can bring supportive people into your life to stand by you as you draw boundaries. That One is Jesus.

Are you a conflict-avoider?

October 21, 2024Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I’m an expert conflict avoider. How about you? I grew up in a household where there was a lot of yelling and rage and verbal abuse. As a result, everything within me always tried desperately to avoid anything in my marriage that could have resulted in tension, raised voices, or anything remotely resembling conflict.

However, avoiding conflict is a recipe for disaster in a marriage. I learned that the hard way in my first marriage, which failed. Here’s the thing. If you don’t address the things that are really bothering you about your husband or your marriage, a seed of bitterness is planted in your heart. That seed slowly takes root and grows, and after months and years go by, you will most likely grow to despise your husband and want a divorce! Not good.

So, commit to respectfully, lovingly, and diligently address the things that are bothering you within your marriage. Hebrews 12:15 warns us not to let “any bitter root grow up among you to cause trouble…” So, ask God to give you the courage to gently and respectfully discuss your concerns with your husband, and determine to work all the way through those concerns until they are resolved. Ask God to give you the courage to express your needs and desires to your husband. Do not become invisible. When you start stuffing your feelings and immediately cave in during disagreements, toxic resentment will start to grow inside you. Don’t let that happen!